#r's journal

[accursedexistenceadjourned]

Disassociating because I'm overwhelmingly and unbearably sad and my joints ache and my tummy hurts but then disassociating takes a level of active awareness that makes me more tired which makes head hurt and then amplifies everything else 😭🤮🥴🫩

[accursedexistenceadjourned]

God when he decides to pretend to care I forget what a fucking coward he is....

"Im not avoiding the house"

Right you just had so many things to do driving around all weekend and going to 3 different movie theaters and spending like 3 and half hours in Goodwill...

And its like you think I havent seen you literally do a 2 block square to avoid running into me. You think I don't know that you'll hold your pee so you don't see me in the hallway...

God how could I let such a pathetic weasel do this to me

[accursedexistenceadjourned]

God you know i know that I'm difficult but I don't understand why that fact alone means I have to be alone and suffering... like please just fucking kill me if it's going to be this way forever. Honestly I can't fucking take it anymore. Either I disassociate constantly until I don't have the energy to even do that anymore and then have a breakdown, or I'm just fucking heartbroken and miserable and unbearably sad and angry and so fucking tired all the god damn time..

Nothing is worth this

[accursedexistenceadjourned]

You know it's really fucking cruel and unfair that you knew from the beginning that I had nothing and no one, that I didn't have anywhere else to go or anyone else i could turn to at all, froends family or otherwise - and you convinced me to rely on you and let my guard down and let you into my life and let you tale care of me with all of my health issues and circumstances.... and now you want to go back to your life on the other side of the country without me like we never met and we never even happened. Like you didn't cause so much damage.

And it's really fucking cruel that you dont even care at all..

And i hope that one day someone does to you what you did to me. I hope that one day some fucking breaks you. I hope that one day you truly understand why I fucking hate you.

[aureliaauritaassembly]

Health Journaling

Starting tomorrow I’ll post health logs, what I eat, what exercise I did, weekly weigh-ins and selfies on Mondays. This is mostly for accountability and to be able to go over with my doctors when they ask because they ask me a lot. Some might look at my weigh-ins and think “Wow what a cow” or “Bitch where is the fat what are you talking about?” But it’s not about what anyone else thinks. It’s about me, my health, and my goals. I won’t pretend there’s no aesthetic slim trim sexy body ideals involved. I’ve always struggled with that, and my mom knows it can be traced to her obsession with weight when I was a kid. We all have baggage to work through with our bodies. BUT I’m also weak, easily exhausted, easily ill, and I have goals to keep up with my friends, with kids in my life, to get back into all the dance classes I’ve always wanted to take, to fit back in the ballgown I was originally going to wear for my wedding, to get scuba certified and learn to swim like a mermaid, and to do all those things I have to get in shape. My food logs will totally include half a pint of ice cream here and a cheeseburger there, but I’m hoping to incorporate healthy, easy foods my depression doesn’t slack off from eating. I may even share recipes when I find good ones! I already have a few in mind! But for today I shall make my plans and plot my schemes. 

[aureliaauritaassembly]

Sunday June 14th, 2020 5:02 pm Journal

Combining am and pm journals since I slacked this morning. 

How are you feeling today?

Mostly chipper, aware, unfortunately quick to pick up other moods and tempers

How did you cope yesterday?

I didn’t cope well, but I hung out with my mom.

Who has been your support the past 24 hrs?

Mom, husband, stepdad. We buried Butterscotch the guinea pig today. He was with us almost 5 years.

Appetite/Sleep?

Appetite barely exists, I slept a lot but woke up several times

QOTD: What would be your first question after waking up from being cryogenically frozen for 100 years?

“Did we beat back all the racists n shit yet?”

GLAD journaling

Gratitude:

I am grateful for my stepdad who did most of the work digging Butter’s grave.

Learned:

I learned one of my friends has an open community pool. Huzzah for my plans!

Accomplished:

I accomplished getting Butterscotch out of the freezer, cleaning out produce drawers, moving drawers over from mom’s house, attending dog training evaluation, writing a brief poem.

Delight:

I am delighted to swim soon!

[kinkybratlolita]

Today I finally stopped the cycle with my abusive ex.

You know how it goes. First it's all loving and cute. Then, he mistreats you for a while. When you ask him to stop or walk away, you carry on with your life, recover it from how shattered he'd left it. And one day he comes back, and he's so sorry, and he loves you so much. And you fall for it again. So the cycle starts over. But not this time. And it's been so hard and has left me so hurt and weak just to say "no, I don't need this in my life". But I did it. I stood up for myself, my happiness, my mental health. It may hurt now, but I'll feel stronger than ever soon enough without someone draining my energy, my will to live.