Summary: There were a lot of things Yejun expected prior to moving into the dorms, as his group’s debut approached, but having his ex show up at his front door in the dead of night was the last thing that crossed his mind.
Warning(s): Discussions of mental health. Bad mental health/mental state. Cursing.
When Yejun was younger, he harbored a small fear of the dark, which equated to not being entirely too fond of the night. It originally stemmed from watching too many scary videos before bedtime, and it always ended up with him running to his parents’ room in absolute tears. It didn't take much for Yejun to realize that whenever he was scared shitless, it was dark, and whenever it was dark, it was nighttime. Thus, as a child, Yejun's aversion to the night began.
Even now, as a 23 year old, Yejun still wasn't fond of the night. He never truly understood the appeal it had to some people, where they genuinely preferred being awake when the sun set as opposed to when it rose, and how people simply were night owls, or how they started enjoying the day the moment it ended.
His dislike towards it intensified when he found himself standing side by side with his ex (and current group member), on the roof of his family’s house, only a few weeks prior to his big move into the dorms with the rest of his group.
Maybe Yejun was biased and was quick to blame the moon that followed him around whenever something bad happened in his life, as never once was the sun present when the tears began falling for him. The bad things in Yejun’s life were always accompanied by the taunting glow of the moon.
“Can you kiss me again?” the sound of the city filled the empty space that lingered between Yejun and Junseo, neither of the boys inching to close the gap between one another.
“Junseo-“
“Just one more time.” Junseo’s pleads bleed into the sound of the city being alive, allowing for himself to excuse the desperation in his tone that was barely audible.
“It’s not right, Jun-“
“We weren’t right when we started, why does it change anything now?” Yejun could tell from the way Junseo was speaking that he was both fighting to hold himself back from letting any tears slip, and he was fighting his own mind to be able to even speak his heart. “If we do something wrong one more time, what difference does it make?”
A siren blared in the background of the boys, allowing for yet another bit of noise to slip in between the cracks of silence between the boys, letting them both a second to try and collect their thoughts that had slowly been swept away with the wind.
“I miss your touch.”
There wasn’t a moment Junseo didn’t shock Yejun. From the moment they met, and let their hearts skip a beat in the form of an unspoken spark when their eyes landed on each other. Even now, in the cold night with both boys looking like strangers and almost feeling like strangers to one another. Junseo was a surprise in every sense of his being.
“I miss your lips.”
In the short while they first met, Junseo quickly became one of the best parts of Yejun’s life. It didn’t take more than a few times of the two hanging out for Yejun to like what he knew about Junseo, and count down the moments until he had the chance to learn even more about him.
“I miss the way you always treated me.”
He would never admit it, because even in his own mind it sounded like nothing more than a cliche from a romantic comedy, but Yejun finally discovered the meaning of falling fast and falling hard when Junseo walked into his life. Never once in his life did Yejun want to know every single thing he could about someone, while also wanting to keep things a secret so he could learn of them through memories he could always keep in his heart.
“I miss how you always spoke to me like I mattered.”
In his 23 years of life, it was the first time Yejun felt true love. He wasn’t shy of love, and it wasn’t like he hadn’t dated previously, but it was never like this. It never felt like his world had been lit aflame with a new purpose whenever he simply looked into Junseo’s eye; a glaze of hope always staring back at Yejun.
“I miss the way you held me.”
Yejun let himself give his heart to Junseo in between small kisses in empty rooms, and quick glances that only they knew of in crowded rooms.
“I miss the way you made me feel safe.”
Junseo gave his heart in between nights spent clinging onto Yejun in bed and moments where he could let himself fall, knowing Yejun would be right there to catch him.
“I miss your love.”
Both boys lost their hearts in one another, and even when the love for each other was only existent in memories, neither of them made a move to retrieve their hearts.
“I miss you.”
Their hearts belonged to one another, even if neither boy could cherish them the way they wanted. Their hearts were like puzzle pieces that finally found its rightful places, completing a puzzle that seemed to have broken away.
Yejun missed Junseo.
There was no way the young actor could deny that, or even interpret his feelings in a different way. He didn’t want to.
But he knew better.
The love the two boys had for one another was as brilliant and hot as a flame, and just like a flame, it was gone as quick as it came, leaving nothing but the cold darkness.
It didn’t take more than a quick glance for Yejun to know that while Junseo’s pleads were nothing but truthful, that Junseo hadn’t changed. Maybe he was worse than when they were together. Junseo always came off as someone who held appearances to a high degree, and it he made it a goal to make it clear with always dressing to the nines with what was in season, and simply having himself look like he was always coming back from a photo shoot.
However, in the nights where the older had slipped into Yejun’s home in order to find the warmth of his embrace, Yejun finally had a chance to see the real Junseo. Or at least, as much of the “real” Junseo, that he himself was willing to show.
Gone was the man who didn’t pay any mind to those around him, the man who walked the earth as if it was built for him, and the man who was far from comfortable with letting anyone see him as anything but his absolute best. Instead, there was the man who wordlessly found himself wrapped around Yejun’s body, wanting to receive the type of attention he never knew he needed. There was the man who stumbled in his thoughts and words, wanting to prove how much he cared for Yejun with every breath he took.
There was the Junseo who showed off how much the world was chipping away at him. Through bags underneath his eyes that seemed to become more and more prominent as time slipped by. Through nights where he couldn’t bring himself to speak and simply came for the affection he never felt before. Through confessions of how scared he was every time he opened his eyes in the morning.
Through it all, it became apparent to Yejun that he was far from the Junseo that everyone knew of. He was lost in himself, and he gave Yejun the chance to see him as his most vulnerable. He gave Yejun the chance to help find him.
But, if anything, the dim glow of the lights on the roof showed that while Yejun desperately tried to help Junseo, he had lost himself even more.
Before, he was wandering aimlessly in a maze built from everyone’s expectations for him. Now, he was drifting away into a typhoon of thoughts he had no intention of swimming away from.
“Have you gone to see someone like we talked about?” it was a cop out, a cheap one at that, and Yejun knew. But, if he told Junseo he missed him too, he knew what it would lead to, and he didn’t know if he could handle being the wave that swallows Junseo whole.
“My mom almost found out and that was enough to make me give up.” Junseo’s hands were quick to reach up and wipe at his eyes, his head ever so slightly tilting away from Yejun. “It’s a habit, I guess. Giving up on what helps.”
“You can always go back-“
“I gave up on you too, didn’t I? Can I go back to you?”
Gone was the soft tone embedded with the ghostly appearance of desperation in Junseo’s voice. Instead, there was a harsh anger in his words. Although, it didn’t take Yejun longer than a second to realize that the anger was directed at himself.
“You need to start looking after yourself, Junseo.” the younger finally made a move to eliminate the space between them as he put his hand on his friend’s shoulder. “You’re important, Junseo. For reasons I know you don’t understand just yet, you matter so much. You can’t let your life slip away from you, it’s yours. Not for someone else to own and control.”
“You make it sound so fucking easy.”
“And it’s not, I know.” Yejun put the slightest amount of force on Junseo’s shoulder, trying to squeeze it comfortingly. “It’s never easy to go against everything you’ve known in life, everything that's become a habit, even if it’s not a good one. But if you don’t start somewhere...if you don’t start soon, Jun, I’m scared you won’t be able to in the future.”
Yejun never thought that when the famed model showed interest in him, that he would fall in love with someone who had become so attuned to self-destruction that it was like second nature. To the point where he didn’t even know what he was doing would end up hurting himself.
The second he felt Junseo’s body lurch ever so slowly to the side, wanting to pull away, Yejun found his hands reaching up to cup his ex’s cheeks, allowing for him to finally glance into the eyes he had been so desperately avoiding the whole night.
The eyes that glittered with tears, and was nothing but a seemingly growing void of hurt. The same eyes that Yejun found himself smiling at the first time he saw them.
“I’m not promising anything.”
“I’m not the one you should be promising to, anyways.” the faintest of smiles began to linger on Yejun’s face, although it was void of the same warmth it always had. It hurt him that Junseo thought that he would be doing this for anyone but himself, but he knew it probably hurt Junseo even more.
Yejun didn’t know what was in the future for them, but it wasn’t what his mind was focused on. He wanted Junseo to get better for himself, so he can finally begin to live life the way he spoke of it in his sleepy rambles during the nights they were together.
If that future didn’t include Yejun, it would be ok. He just needed Junseo to be ok.
