TRUMP VISITS THE RACE EXHIBIT AT THE SMITHSONIAN, ASKS IF HE CAN TOUCH THE WHITE ONENotion of Race as a Social Construct“If race is just a social construct, can I construct myself into the guy who won the 2020 election?” — Donald J. Trump, from the foyer of the Smithsonian, surrounded by confused tourists and a wax figure of Harriet Tubman.Smithsonian Throws Trump Into the Racial Deep End—Without FloatiesOn a humid Washington morning, former President Donald Trump wandered into the Smithsonian's National Museum of African American History and Culture—accidentally. He thought he was entering a new steakhouse called RACE: Rare And Charbroiled Entrees. Instead, he stumbled upon a multi-floor exhibit explaining that race, long touted as biological gospel, is actually a social construct devised by societies to assign status, distribute power, and, most importantly, confuse white people at brunch.Trump, clutching a Diet Coke and a gold Sharpie, reportedly muttered, “This can’t be right. I saw a documentary once. It was called The Birth of a Nation. Very powerful. Very cinematic. Everyone was white, like a proper history.”"Race Isn’t Real?" Trump Demands a Refund on the DNA Test He Took in 1988The exhibit introduces visitors to the now widely accepted scientific idea that race is not a biological reality. No distinct racial genes. No secret DNA code for “Irish-American dad who grills shirtless.” Just pigment, geography, and about 700 years of colonial lies.Upon learning this, Trump reportedly shouted, “I paid $99.95 for 23andMe to tell me I was genetically superior. I demand a recount!”According to Scientific American, modern genetics shows humans are 99.9% genetically identical, a fact that sent Marjorie Taylor Greene into an existential crisis. “If that’s true,” she tweeted, “how do we know who to fear at the airport?”A Nation Built on Pigment MathThe exhibit includes a wall of historic legal definitions of race. One sign reads, “In 1800s Virginia, one drop of Black blood meant you were Black.” In response, Trump reportedly asked, “So if I drink a Shirley Temple next to Don Lemon, am I a minority now?”Trump’s legal counsel immediately filed paperwork claiming “partial ethnic immunity” for the January 6 charges, citing the former President’s “well-documented history of tanning.”Historians, meanwhile, couldn’t agree on which was more alarming: that Trump believes skin tone is a legal defense, or that he thought Frederick Douglass was still alive and tweeting.Social Construct or Social Club?If race is a construct, then who’s the foreman? Turns out, white supremacy hired itself, paid itself in stolen land, and gave itself the corner office. Now, every few years, it releases a press statement saying, “We’ve moved past race,” before calling the cops on a Black guy jogging.Trump, standing beside a Kente cloth display, asked his Secret Service detail if this was “where the Democrats harvest their voters.” A museum employee, unfazed, redirected him to the diorama on Reconstruction, which he called “the worst sequel since Ghostbusters with women.”Red, White, and Socially EngineeredOne Smithsonian curator, Dr. Marley Okonkwo, gently explained to Trump that “race is like Monopoly money—it only works because everyone agrees to play by made-up rules.” Trump nodded solemnly, then asked if he could buy the museum.“When you grow up being told you’re superior because your ancestors sunburned easily, it’s hard to let go,” said Okonkwo. “But we try to meet people where they are—preferably not mid-rant at the gift shop.”Meanwhile in the Gift Shop: Trump Buys Six Obama Bobbleheads "For Voodoo"Eyewitness reports confirm that Trump spent 47 minutes in the museum gift shop buying mugs with Malcolm X’s face and debating whether Rosa Parks "had better seating options." He demanded a Reagan section and asked where they kept “the Confederate memorabilia—just for balance.”His final purchase? A copy of White Fragility, which he asked to be rebound with a cover titled The Art of the Race Deal.Melanin Panic: Conservatives React to the News That Race Isn’t GeneticFox News aired a special titled “Genetic Denial: The Woke War on Skin” featuring Tucker Carlson in a fetal position, crying into a swatch of khaki.Ben Shapiro wrote an op-ed titled “Actually, Race Is Both Social and Biological Unless You’re a Liberal Hypocrite”, in which he cited 34 statistics from a textbook no one has read and ended by saying, “Facts don’t care about your constructs.”Charlie Kirk tweeted, “If race isn’t real, then how come I get nervous around ethnic food?”Candace Owens filed an intellectual property lawsuit against the Smithsonian for "stealing her talking points."What the Funny People Are Saying"If race is a social construct, then my uncle who owns 14 Confederate flags is basically doing cosplay." — Sarah Silverman"You mean to tell me I could’ve been Dominican this whole time? Man, I wasted all that money on tanning beds." — Chris Rock"So race is a lie? That’s great. Can someone please tell that to the cops?" — Dave Chappelle"Race is made up? Well, so are half the women on Beverly Hills Housewives. Let’s call it even." — Amy Schumer"Next they’ll say gender’s made up. Wait, they already did. I’m gonna need more whiskey." — Ron White"I identify as tax-exempt now, since labels are fake." — Jerry SeinfeldConservative Parents Are Terrified: Race-Optional Preschool Coming in 2026Inspired by the Smithsonian, one Montessori school in Portland has launched a “Race-Optional Curriculum” where children can choose an identity each morning. This week’s roster included: “Japanese Cowboy,” “Transylvanian Princess,” and “Just Vibes.”Texas has already introduced legislation banning all mirrors in public schools, citing “identity confusion.”Genetics Professors Across America Sigh Loudly in Lab CoatsAccording to a survey by Pew Research, 86% of geneticists accept that race has no scientific basis. One professor said, “If people understood allele frequency better than Instagram filters, we wouldn’t be in this mess.”Another added, “The same people who deny race is a construct also think essential oils can cure racism.”Still, Trump has vowed to open a new research lab at Mar-a-Lago called “Real Science USA,” where all the scientists will be white, wear lab coats, and offer DNA ancestry tests that return only two results: “American” and “Globalist.”Helpful Content for the Confused: How to Navigate Life When Race Is a ConstructFeeling lost in a post-racial reality? Try these tips:Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself: Before assuming someone’s race, consider they may identify as 3% Viking and 97% emotionally unavailable.Stop Asking “What Are You?” at Parties: It's not a riddle. Just ask their name.Reconsider the Ethnic Food Section at Walmart: There’s no such thing as “ethnic food.” All food is ethnic if it has flavor.When in Doubt, Don’t Touch the Hair: Just… don’t.The Smithsonian’s Official StatementIn response to the incident, the museum released a statement:“We welcome all visitors, including those who arrive confused, bewildered, or seeking a steakhouse. While race is not a biological reality, racism certainly is. Our exhibit aims to dismantle one while educating about the other. And yes, Mr. Trump did try to autograph the Maya Angelou quote wall.”Trump’s Final Comment: “If Race Isn’t Real, Then I’m the Least Constructed Person You’ve Ever Met.”Back at his D.C. hotel, Trump gave a press conference in the lobby, flanked by Eric, Don Jr., and a woman dressed as the Statue of Liberty who refused to blink.“I learned a lot,” he said. “Mostly that everything I thought I knew about race is fake news. And also, the museum had very slippery floors. I almost sued.”Pressed further, he added, “If race is made up, then I hereby declare myself part Cherokee, part Italian, part sexy beast. And I demand the Native American vote. Bigly.”He concluded the speech by eating a Snickers bar and saying, “See? I’m inclusive. I ate the brown one.”Disclaimer:This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AI was used in the making of this satire, except to store the jokes while we microwaved our tamales. All facts are fake, but the Smithsonian is real—and race, while not scientific, is still a great excuse to start arguments at Thanksgiving. MANILA NEWS - A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of classic MAD Magazine, inspired by Bohiney Magazine. The scene takes place in a fictional science fair at a lu... - bohiney.com 3Observations on the Notion of Race as a Social ConstructRace as a Social Construct: The Ultimate DIY ProjectIf race is merely a social construct, does that mean we can all pick our own? "Today, I identify as a Scandinavian Viking. Tomorrow, perhaps a Polynesian surfer." It's like choosing an outfit, but with more cultural appropriation.DNA Testing: The Ultimate Spoiler AlertSpit in a tube, send it off, and voilà! You're 10% this, 15% that, and 5% something you can't pronounce. Turns out, we're all just walking, talking fruit salads of ancestry.The Melanin LotterySkin color is just nature's way of playing roulette with melanin. Spin the wheel, and you might get "beige with a hint of olive" or "deep mocha." Either way, sunscreen is non-negotiable.Census Forms: The Ultimate Identity CrisisFilling out race on a census form feels like a multiple-choice question where none of the answers fit. "Select one"? How about "All of the above" or "It's complicated"?Cultural Cuisine ConfusionIf race isn't biological, does that mean my love for tacos doesn't make me honorary Mexican? Asking for a friend who also adores sushi, pasta, and curry.The Family Tree: More Like a JungleTracing your ancestry can feel like navigating a dense jungle. One minute you're in Ireland, the next you're swinging through branches in Nigeria. Watch out for those unexpected branches!Stereotypes: The Original Fake NewsBelieving in racial stereotypes is like trusting a weather forecast from a psychic. Entertaining? Maybe. Accurate? Not so much.The "Exotic" Compliment ConundrumBeing called "exotic" is like being told you're a rare bird. Should I start chirping or just awkwardly nod and smile?Race and Dating Apps: Swipe Left on BiasFiltering potential dates by race on apps is like choosing your meals based solely on color. "I'll have the beige tonight." You're missing out on a world of flavor!The Myth of "Pure" BloodlinesChasing a "pure" lineage is like searching for a unicorn in a petting zoo. Spoiler alert: It doesn't exist.Cultural Festivals: Everyone's InvitedIf race is a social construct, then cultural festivals are the ultimate open house parties. Come for the food, stay for the awkward attempts at traditional dances.Language Barriers: Lost in TranslationAssuming someone's race dictates their language skills is like expecting every American to understand Shakespearean English. "To be or not to be" fluent is not the question.The One-Drop Rule: Math Was Never Its Strong SuitThe old "one-drop" rule suggests that a single drop of "black blood" makes you black. By that logic, my morning coffee should identify as water.Hair Politics: Curly, Straight, and Everything in BetweenJudging someone's race by their hair texture is like identifying a dog breed by its fur. Poodles and Labradors can both rock a perm, after all.The Future: A Beautiful BlendIf current trends continue, future generations will be so mixed that racial categories will be as outdated as floppy disks. Time to embrace the remix! MANILA NEWS - A wide-aspect satirical cartoon in the style of classic MAD Magazine, inspired by Bohiney Magazine. The scene takes place in a fictional science fair at a lu... - bohiney.com 2
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