#racingturtlesarefast

[lilegghead]

shingeki no mosquitos ft. racingturtlesarefast aka the Greatest Thing i have Ever Done

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You both like attack on titan.

You: what is it eren????

Stranger: it's mosquitoes, jean.

Stranger: large as titans.

You: jesus

Stranger: can't help us now

Stranger: we got to fight them jean

Stranger: for mikasa

Stranger: she didn't make it to mi casa

You: but where will i put my mikasa body pillow

You: its my good luck charm

Stranger: tape it to your back

Stranger: her heart will go on with you, jean

Stranger: wait

Stranger: WHY DO YOU HAVE A MIKASA BODY PILLOW

You: i

You: im holding onto it

You: for a friend

Stranger: WHO DO I NEED TO KILL

You: hes on a business trip

You: he'll be back soon sO ANYWAY WHAT ABOUT THESE MOSQUITOS

Stranger: FUCK THIS SHIT MAN I'M LETTING THEM LIVE SO THEY CAN SUCK THAT FUCKER DRY

You: YEA THATS A GOOD IDEA EREN YOU DO THAT (SWEATS NERVOUSLY)

Stranger: okay YOU KNOW WHAT DON'T TRY TO GUILTTRIP ME INTO KILLING THOSE THINGS JUST CAUSE THE WORLD GUILTTRIPPED YOU INTO JOINING THE SCOUTING LEGION

Stranger: AGH JEAN YOU'RE SO STUBBORN

Stranger: I'M TAKING ONE FOR HUMANITY HERE

You: AT LEAST I DIDNT GET THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF ME BY FRICKIN RAVIOLI BOY YOU KNOW

Stranger: RAVIOLI RAVIOLI LET'S GO KILL THE MOSQUITO TITANIOLI

Stranger: FRICK FRACK YOU JEAN

You: FRICK FRACK YOU TOO EREN

You: I DONT NEED THIS SHIT I COULDVE BEEN IN THE MILITARY POLICE

You: (slams mug down on table)

You: I COULD HAVE HAD IT ALL

Stranger: WELL GUESS WHAT MARCO'S ROLLING IN THE DEEP

Stranger: DO IT 4 MARCO

Stranger: (rips open shirt to reveal a tattoo with do it 4 marco across collarbone)

You: ARE U KIDDING ME

You: (rips open shirt to reveal a tattoo with do it 4 mikasa scribbled out and replaced with marco across chest)

Stranger: OMG

Stranger: TWINSIES

You: ITS LIKE WE'RE RELATED OR SOMETHING

You: BFFS

Stranger: OH YEAH MAYBE WE NEVER REALLY DID KNOW WHAT MY DAD DID ON HIS GODDAMN BUSINESS TRIPS

Stranger: BUT HEY

Stranger: WE GOT MORE IMPORTANT ISSUES AT HAND HERE

Stranger: DO YOU SEE THAT MOSQUITOE

Stranger: EATING PEOPLE

You: HOW COULD I MISS IT

Stranger: I WAS AMAZED BY YOUR CHESTHAIR

You: GODDAMNIT I DIDNT HAVE TIME TO SHAVE

You: I DIDNT THINK I WOULD BE RIPPING MY SHIRT OFF DURING A MOSQUITO TITAN BATTLE YKNOW??

Stranger: NEITHER DID I, JEAN, BUT HERE WE ARE

Stranger: SHIRTLESS AND IN THE MIDDLE OF BATTLE

Stranger: HERE WE ARE

You: SO HOW THE HECKIE DO WE TAKE THEM DOWN

You: DO THEY MAKE GIANT FLY SWATTERS OR ARE WE GONNA HAVE TO DO THIS LIKE MEN

Stranger: LIKE MEN WITHOUT CHESTHAIR

Stranger: DO IT 4 MARCO

You: YEAAAAAAAAAAA

You: (jean runs forward to tackle this giant mosquito before doing a u-turn and running back)

You: man fuck this shit i didnt sign up for the legion to kill giant bugs im outtie

Stranger: FRICK FRACK JEAN THEY'RE ALL FEMALE

You: MY MOM SAID IM NOT ALLOWED TO HIT GIRLS

Stranger: MY MOM DIED, JEAN.

Stranger: EATEN BY ONE OF THOSE THINGS

Stranger: OR WELL

Stranger: CLOSE ENOUGH

Stranger: POINT IS, THAT'LL BE SOMEONE ELSES MOM (eren points out among the burning buildings)

Stranger: AND I CAN'T LET ANYONE ELSE HAVE MORE OF A TRAGIC BACKSTORY THAN ME

You: SHINGEKI NO DAMMIT EREN YOU CANT BE AN ANIME PROTAGONIST ALL YOUR LIFE

You: SOMEDAY YOU GOTTA LET SOMEONE ELSE TAKE THE WHEEL

Stranger: I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'LL LET IT BECOME SOME KID WITH WEIRD HAIR

Stranger: NO

Stranger: I'M CHOOSING MY PROTEGÉ

Stranger: NOW LET'S GO JEAN

Stranger: LET'S GO FIND ONE OF THOSE LITTLE SHITS MOM

Stranger: AND LET'S SEE IF THAT KIDS WORTHY

Stranger: TO BECOME

Stranger: THE NEXT

Stranger: ~ TITAN SHIFTER ~

You: WAIT HOLD ON

You: (dramatic music scratches to a halt)

You: ARE YOU RAISING THIS KID?? CAUSE YOU SEEM LIKE THE TYPE THAT WOULD USE THE KID AS TITAN BAIT

You: OR FORGET YOU HAD A KID IN THE FIRST PLACE

You: I GET THAT VIBE FROM YOU

Stranger: WELL GUESS WHAT VIBE I GET FROM YOU JEAN

Stranger: HORSE VIBES

You: THAT WAS FRICKIN LOW MAN

Stranger: ALMOST AS LOW AS LEVI

You: DAAAAAAAAAYUM

You: YOU BETTER NOT LET HIM HEAR U TALKIN SHIT

Stranger: (the mosquito titans stop with who they're eating, and the titans too, and suddenly a swish is cutting through the air, before a low, ooooOOOOH rises from the titans)

Stranger: AHAH HE WON'T MAN

Stranger: HE WON'T HEAR US AT THIS LEVEL

You: AHAHAHAHAH ITS FUNNY CAUSE HES SHORT

You: (the silence is almost deafening. a tumbleweed rolls past and somewhere in the distance is the sound of armin yelling "YOU SUCK")

Stranger: (eren whips around, his scowl becoming more and more jack nicholson like) OI ARMIN

Stranger: WHERE WERE YOU AT WHEN I GOT EATEN YO

Stranger: (he is greeted by nothing by silence and sobs now)

You: OH YEAH ABOUT THAT

You: HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN ALIVE

You: OR AT LEAST FREE OF DIGESTIVE JUICES

Stranger: LET ME TELL YOU A THING JEAN

Stranger: I TOOK A GOOD OL' SHOWER. (puts hand on Jean's shoulder)

Stranger: A GOOOOD OLD SHOWER CURES EVERYTHING

Stranger: SO LET'S DRAG THOSE BODIES INTO THE SHOWER

You: EREN IS THERE SOMETHING YOU ARENT TELLING ME

You: YOU CAN TELL ME ANYTHING

You: IM HIP

You: IM DOWN WITH THE KIDS

Stranger: HAHA LOSER I AM AT LEAST WITH THE MIDDLESCHOOLERS

You: I DONT GIVE A FLYING FRICK IF YOU'RE WITH MITT ROMNEY U ARE TRYING TO HIDE SOMETHING FROM ME

You: (jean is suddenly clad in a deerstalker and a tartan overcoat. where did he even get those from)

You: NOTHING GETS PAST JEAN KIRSCHSTEIN

You: NOW TELL ME THE TRUTH EREN

Stranger: YOU REALLY WANNA KNOW JEAN

Stranger: DO YOU

Stranger: (dramatic pause)

Stranger: I'M...

Stranger: I'M A VAMPIRE, JEAN.

You: (jean is awestruck. all of his questions have been answered, and yet more remain)

You: IS THAT WHY YOU ALWAYS LOOK LIKE YOU'VE BEEN BATHING IN GLITTER

Stranger: MAYBE (eren does a hair flip)

Stranger: THESE MOSQUITOES

Stranger: THEY ARE

Stranger: MY MINIONS

Stranger: BUT SOMETHING WENT WRONG, JEAN.

You: WHY WOULD YOU TURN AGAINST MANKIND LIKE THIS EREN?? I THOUGHT WE WERE

You: (jean whispers) tattoo brothers

Stranger: (a single tear slides down eren's cheek. he realizes what he has done. what he has become.)

Stranger: B-brothers? I've never had a brother before...

Stranger: BUT GODDAMNIT IT JEAN

Stranger: YOU KNOW MY NAME NOT MY STORY

Stranger: IF GOT A TRAGIC PAST THAT SOMETIMES NEEDS UPDATING

You: EREN YOU NEED TO CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE THOROUGHLY

You: THAT IS

You: IF YOU CAN GET IT OUT OF YOUR ASS

You: (jean backflips off the roof, suddenly wearing sunglasses)

Stranger: WHAT PRIVILEGE? MY TITAN-VAMPIRE PRIVILIEGE? (eren's hair turns an alarming shade of neons, and suddenly his name is raven dementia dark'ness way and his eyes sparkles. this is it. eren turns into a mary sue.)

Stranger: YOU NEED TO CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU WRECK YOURSELF.

You: (but eren is too late. for when jean performed his backflip he forgot which way to land and thus landed in the splits position. connie gives him a 10 from the opposite rooftop)

You: WHY MUST WE TRY AND PLAY GOD

Stranger: (pastor nick cuts in from somewhere) WHY MUST WE TRY AND PLAY WALL

Stranger: JEAN

Stranger: I REALLY THINK WE HAVE MORE PRESSING MATTERS AT HAND OTHER THAN ME even though everyone loves me BUT I THINK I KNOW WHERE MIKASA MIGHT BE

You: (jeans backflip is played in reverse so he is able to fly back up onto the rooftop. he lands quite gracefully and then grabs erens shoulders, shaking him so his beautiful multicoloured locks wave in the breeze) WHERE IS SHE

Stranger: (dramatic music plays and the stars twinkled in eren's eyes and his too-long-to-be-real-eyelashes blink furiously)

Stranger: SHE'S...

Stranger: (eren's stares long and hard into jean's eyes)

Stranger: AT MI CASA.

You: (jean falls to his knees. he looks up at the sky and raises his fists in fury)

You: POURQUOOOOOOIIII

Stranger: (a buzzing sound is heard)

Stranger: (jean's cry of frustraded anguish rippled through the air and gather's the attention of the nearby mosquito titans)

Stranger: JEAN

Stranger: I THINK THEY'RE COMING

You: ITS OK EREN

You: I KNOW HOW WE CAN KILL THEM

You: WITH THE POWER......

You: (jean takes erens hand in his and stares into his eyes that were changing colour)

You: .....OF FRIENDSHIP.

Stranger: (eren stares back into the horse's eyes. why is he doing this. where is he. who is this. and suddenly, the colour fades and the frick frack is back in eren's vains)

Stranger: JEAN

Stranger: I THINK SOMETHING IS HAPPENING

Stranger: THE FRIENDSHIP IT-IT'S TOO MUCH JEAN

You: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH FRIENDSHIP ERE--- OH GOD

You: (as he speaks, jean's hand is slowly morphing into a hoof. his hair is becoming a mane and he is having trouble standing. its happening)

You: RUN EREN

You: WHILE YOU STILL CAAANNNNEIIIGHHHH

Stranger: (eren can do nothing but watch in terrified horror as his tatto brother turns into a royal stallion with a maybe too long face to be porpotionate on a horse with a DO IT 4 MARCO tattoo across it's skin)

You: (it is too late. jean has become a magnificent horse being. he paws at the ground and snorts. how is he going to get off of this rooftop)

Stranger: JEAN

Stranger: PLEASE STOP

You: (jean looks at eren as sadly as a horse is able to. he does not seem to know the cure for his horseness but he feels that if eren looks deep into his heart he will be able to find the answer. he beweaves in eren)

Stranger: J-JEAN? (eren stumble over his voice. he's never gotten such a touching look from a horse before)

Stranger: (could this...could this be...love?)

Stranger: (eren stares deeply into the eyes of his now horse tattoo brother)

You: (all of a sudden, horse!jean's hooves morph into hands. its a little unsettling seeing a horse with hands but its a start at least. he snorts)

Stranger: (eren scowls with such intensity that he gets a monobrow)

Stranger: JEAN

Stranger: STOP HORSIN' AROUND YOU FRICK FRACKER

You: (horse!jean looks disappointedly at eren. that was a terrible pun and even he, a horse, knows it. he advances towards eren, his hands pattering on the ground, and takes some bread from erens pocket. horse!jean has his priorities straight)

Stranger: (eren however, does not know his priorities well enough, and all the thoughts about the titan mosquito not very far off are gone when horse!jean nuzzles him and neighs for more bread)

Stranger: C'MON

Stranger: YOU'RE A GODDAMN HORSE NOT A MULE STOP BEING SO STUBBORN JEAN

Stranger: YOU LOOK STUPID WITH THE 3D GEAR ON LIKE THAT

You: (horse!jean gives eren a look that seems to say "THEN KEEP LOOKING ROMANTICALLY INTO MY EYES U LITTLE SHIT AND THEN I WON'T LOOK SO RIDICULOUS". he's very articulate. nature is wonderful)

Stranger: (eren gulps. he needs to step up his game. he gives horse!jean the smolder and looks completely ridiculous doing so with a scowl still attached to his face)

You: (somehow, despite eren looking like he needs to take a poop, horse!jean slowly begins to take on a more human form. within a matter of seconds he is lying face down on the ground, still without a shirt. he is back. he raises his head and spits out some bread)

You: THAT IS THE WORST FRICKING BREAD I HAVE EVER EATEN

You: WHICH DUMP DID YOU GET THAT OUT OF

Stranger: MIKASA'S YOU LIL SHIT

You: .....

You: I AM SO CONFLICTED RIGHT NOW

You: (jean jumps up, slipping slightly simply because he is extremely graceful) NOW WHAT ABOUT THESE DANG MOSQUITOS, HALF THE CITY MUST BE GONE BY NOW

Stranger: (eren notices the buzzing again)

Stranger: (from the other rooftop sits the mosquito, holding a bowl of humans - like popcorn)

Stranger: JEAN THIS CREEPER HAS BEEN WATCHING US

You: (jean covers up his chest with his hands. he doesnt really need to) OH MY GOD WHY DIDNT YOU SAY SOMETHING

You: (he examines the bowl of humans)

You: hold on isnt that armin

Stranger: ARMIN

Stranger: ????

Stranger: (mere seconds pass before the titan mosquito is dead and a tearful eren is holding a wounded armin in his arms)

Stranger: (he ignores all the other wounded - moaning and bleeding all over the place - and stares deeply into the eyes of his childhood friend)

Stranger: ARMIN TELL ME YOU'RE ALRIGHT ARMIN

Stranger: (armin coughs and says his last words)

You: (jean is still sitting down on the rooftop, legs crossed. he is watching the scene in awe)

Stranger: ''eren...

Stranger: u r a little bitch''

Stranger: (armin closes his eyes, never to open them again and eren cries in anguish and joy. his tragic backstory has gotten it's fill, but to what price?)

You: (a single tear falls from jean's eye. he turns and wipes it away with the mikasa body pillow still strapped to his back)

Stranger: (with his back turned toward jean, eren whispers)

Stranger: i'll kill them all.

You: (jean shouts from the other rooftop) WHAT DID YOU SAY??? I CANT HEAR YOU

Stranger: NOTHING U FRICK FRACKER

Stranger: LET'S GO JEAN WE NEED TO KILL THESE BITCHES

You: OKAAAAAYYYY

You: IS THERE A MCDONALDS AROUND HERE OR ANYTHING IM SO HUNGRY I COULD EAT A--

You: (he pauses, and shudders. we never talk of horses)

Stranger: (eren sees the look upon jean's face. he understands. never again, nevermore.)

Stranger: LET'S GO TO TACOBELL

You: TACOBELL SUCKS, CAN WE GO TO PIZZA HUT???

Stranger: YOU JUST DON'T WANNA GO TO TACOBELL CAUSE YOU'RE A WUSS BUT SUUUURE.

You: (jean withdraws a map from his pocket. he stares at it in horror, and slowly holds the map out to eren. it shows the location of a COMBINATION PIZZA HUT AND TACO BELL. they exist. what a wonderful world)

You: DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY FUCKING MOSQUITOES WE HAVE TO KILL TO GET THERE THO

Stranger: WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD INDEED - SOME EXCERCISE TO BURN OFF ALL THAT JUNK WE'RE GOING TO CONSUME

Stranger: (eren turns away, his fingers itching and his smile wicked - he'll kill them all if that's what it takes to get to tacohut)

You: (jean isnt sure if he should interrupt eren's moment, so he turns away and surveys his kingdom. a single ray of light breaks through the smoke and debris and shines upon tacohut in the distance. truly beautiful)

Stranger: THERE (eren points, breaking out from his trance-like state)

Stranger: TACOHUT

Stranger: SIE SIND DAS TACOHUT UND WIR SIND DIE JÄGER

You: SHINGEKI NO JUNK FOOD

Stranger: ATTACK ON TACOHUT

You: (with a furious battlecry, jean charges forward and promptly falls off the roof. not a good start)

Stranger: YOU NEED TO FIGHT JEAN

Stranger: THIS WORLD IS CRUEL (eren stares at the dead bodies, but his eyes shine at the sight of tacohut in the distance) BUT ALSO VERY BEAUTIFUL.

You: EREN OH MY GOD I LANDED ON SOME BODIES THIS IS SO GROSS (jean lets out a less-than-manly squeal from the alleyway he fell into)

Stranger: OH FOR THE LOVE OF WALL ROSE JEAN PLEASE

Stranger: I WAS INSIDE THE STOMACH OF A TITAN WITH DIGESTIVE FLUIDS AND DEAD AND OR HALFDEAD BODIES

Stranger: MAN UP

Stranger: (eren jumps down and offers his hand to jean in a very tsundere way)

You: (blushu-ing intensely, jean takes his hand. immediately the background becomes pink and fuzzy. cherry blossoms begin to fall. its very romantic)

You: e-eren-sempai...

Stranger: (eren stares into jean's eyes. it's much more pleasant to stare into his eyes now that he's a human and not a horse.) s-shut up! (eren blushes) it-it's not like i want you to take my hand or an-anything...

You: (jean's eyes begin to sparkle in a surprisingly unsettling matter) oh eren-sempai... i didnt know you felt that way... (jean has read enough manga to see where this is going)

Stranger: (eren's cheeks burn with blush, and he knows what's coming to him)

You: (jean leans up in slow motion, surprisingly near eren's face. right where the moment of impact should be, he pauses. he turns to look out of the alleyway and meets the eyes of a mosquito titan, waiting with the poise of a yaoi fangirl)

Stranger: (the sound of hushed, expectant breaths and the sleazing buzz of the mousquito is heard in the alleyway and all is still for just a moment. a camera flashes.)

You: (one thing that is not commonly known about mosquito titans is their adoration of boy love. jean leaps up from his bed of bodies, accidentally headbutting eren in the process, and within a matter of seconds the titan is dead and jean has acquired a rather cheap looking car. what a man)

Stranger: THANKS FOR HEADBUTTING ME ASSHOLE

Stranger: (reluctant, eren gets into the car with jean, crossing his arms over his bare chest)

You: IF YOU COMPLAIN EVEN ONCE I SWEAR TO GOD I AM THROWING YOU OUT OF THIS CAR

You: (jean puts on a pair of sunglasses and turns up the radio)

You: FOR NOW, WE RIDE

You: (the car cruises through the city, dodging mosquitos as it goes. jean has terrible taste in music)

Stranger: (don't drop that thun thun is blasted through the speakers but eren holds his tongue in fear of losing his precious nacho-mozzarella-pizza delux)

Stranger: WAIT

Stranger: DO YOU GOT ANY MONEY

Stranger: JEAN I THINK WE NEED TO ROB THESE GUYS

You: GODDAMNIT EREN OUR CITY IS BEING DESTROYED BY GIANT MOSQUITOS I THINK MONEY IS THE LEAST OF OUR PROBLEMS

You: (nevertheless, jean pulls over. he gets out of the car and goes up to an atm machine. when he sees it is broken he kicks it and spends a good half a minute hopping around and cursing his bruised foot. it really isnt his day. he then gets back into car and starts it up again)

You: LETS GO ROB SOME DUDES

Stranger: JEAN DUDE

Stranger: I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING

Stranger: I'VE GOT SOME

Stranger: ~EXPERIENCE~ REGARDING THIS WHOLE ROBBING PEOPLE THING

Stranger: AND UH, WE SHOULD PROBABLY COVER OUR FACES

You: DONT WORRY, I GOT THIS

You: (jean reaches into the glove compartment and pulls out two obama masks. silence fills the car)

You: ........WE DONT TALK ABOUT THIS EVER AGAIN.

Stranger: (eren, suprised they aren't horse masks, goes along with the ordeal, but not before giving jean a questioning look and an arch of his eyebrow that presumably was due to all the other shit in the car's glove compartment.)

Stranger: JEAN, FRICK FRACKER, TATTO BROTHER, WE NEED A PLAN.

You: (jean quickly shuts the glove compartment, just in case eren saw the various photoshopped pictures of him and mikasa on cute tumblr dates) WE SURE DO TATTOO BROTHER.... I SAY WE RUN IN, TAKE THE FOOD AND RUN OUT AGAIN

Stranger: SOUNDS FINE BY ME

Stranger: BUT I WAS THINKING

Stranger: MAYBE YOU CAN TURN INTO A HORSE AGAIN

Stranger: AND THEN WE CAN RIDE IN THERE AT DAWN AND STEAL OUR FOOD

Stranger: LIKE THE MIGHTY CONQUERS WE ARE?

You: WHY DO WE HAVE TO TAKE IT AT DAWN THOUGH?? WE'RE LITERALLY RIGHT OUTSIDE WE CAN GO IN NOW

You: AND DO I HAVE TO TURN INTO A HORSE AGAIN?? I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES FROM THE LAST TIME

Stranger: I WAS TRYING TO BE POETIC BUT SURE JUST GIVE ME A PIGGYBACK RIDE NOW THEN THAT'LL DO FRICKING FRACK

You: OKAY I CAN DO THAT

You: (jean somersaults out of the car and kneels down, waiting for eren to sit on his shoulders)

Stranger: (eren puts on the obama mask given to him, and takes up his position on jean's broad, strong shoulders. very broad and strong shoulders.)

You: (jean whispers to eren) okay we must be stealthy. remember. small letter, small voice. small baby bird. thank u.

You: (with that, jean runs into the tacohut screaming at the top of his lungs)

Stranger: (eren only manages to squeak out a quiet ''small heichou'' before a world of new and different smells hit him like a punch in the throat. where is he? in heaven, he thinks to himself. he's high up enough, but nothing compares to the looks the scared works behind the counters at tacohut gives the weirdos in obama masks.)

Stranger: JEAN! JEAN VALJEAN! NOW!

Stranger: (eren points at the place behind the counter where the food is currently being made) FOOOOOD

You: (jean manages to hurdle the counter with his beautiful gazelle legs and lands beautifully on the other side. he drops eren from his shoulders, runs over to the nearest countertop and proceeds to shove an entire pizza into his mouth)

Stranger: (with strong arms and a will made out of brass balls eren manages to eat cheesy nachos and at the same time ward of the tough looking worker with beautiful tattoos - that surely eren would've complimented him on in any other scenario - and the screams at the top of his lungs)

Stranger: JEAN USE YOUR BEAUTIFUL SHAVEN LEGS TO GET US OUT OF HERE

You: (jean, who has two pizzas in his hands and one still firmly jammed into his mouth, nods, and manages to kick a worker in the face before allowing eren onto his shoulders and backflipping out of the restaurant and into the car)

Stranger: (eren holds onto the pizzas while the car drives off, leaving behind nothing but preplexed workers and trailmarks.)

Stranger: OI WATCH OUT

Stranger: (they drive over several titan mosquitos before the windshield breaks)

You: (the car screeches to a halt. jean, with tomato sauce all over his face, gets out and checks it)

You: OH MAN MY DAD IS GONNA BE SO PISSED

Stranger: DON'T WORRY DUDE WE CAN PROBABLY FIX THIS (eren puts a comforting hand on jean's shoulder)

Stranger: LOOK MAN WE JUST HAVE TO GET SOME TOOLS AND I'M SURE WE CAN FIX THOSE DENTS AND THAT WINSHIELD WITH SOME TAPE

You: I DONT HAVE ANY TAPE MAN I HAVE SOME GLUE AND A BUNCH OF CELINE DION CDS.... THAT BELONG TO MY MOM. NOT ME.

You: DEFINITELY NOT MINE.

Stranger: REALLY

Stranger: CAUSE I DEFINITELY SAW AN AUTOPRAPH ON ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT SAID 'TO JEAN FROM CELINE WITH LOVE'

Stranger: WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT THEN?

You: ....................MY MOM IS CALLED JEAN TOO

You: IT'S KIND OF COMPLICATED

You: (jean pauses for a moment, wobbles and finally breaks down) I JUST LOVE CELINE SO MUH-HUH-HUUUHHHCH

Stranger: (eren grabs both jean's shoulders)

Stranger: DUDE

Stranger: IT'S OKAY

Stranger: I REALLY LIKE RIHANNA OKAY THERE I SAID IT

Stranger: (he shakes jean a few times)

Stranger: IT'S OKAY JEAN

Stranger: I CAN RELATE

You: (jean wails hysterically) ITS LIKE EVER SINCE I SAW TITANIC HER VOICE JUST JUST STAYED WITH ME SHES SO BEAUTIFUL AND CANADIAN

You: (jean by now has dissolved into what is known as ugly crying)

Stranger: (eren blinks, not fully knowing what to do)

Stranger: FRICK FRACK ME GODDAMNIT LET'S GET YOU A BEAR AND SOME GODDAMN TAPE

Stranger: WE CAN LISTEN TO CELINE WHILE WE FIX YOUR STUPID CAR OKAY

You: (jean suddenly stops crying. he wipes his face with his sleeve and pulls eren into a hug)

You: THANK YOU EREN, YOU'RE THE BEST BROTHER EVER

Stranger: A GODDAMN TEDDY BEAR FIXES EVERYTHING oh wait what (eren tense's and then relaxes. he always wanted a brother. he responds by giving jean a real bear hug)

Stranger: COME ON YOU LITTLE SHIT, WE GOT SHIT TO DO

You: YEAAAAAAH LET'S GO FIX THIS CAR

You: (yelling excitedly, jean runs away. where is he going)

Stranger: STTTTOP RUNNING INTO THE MOSQUITO TITANS WANTING ARMS

Stranger: (eren hurries after, weapon in hand. he has a brother to protect, and finally, he feels like he understand what mikasa has been doing all these years)

You: ((that was oddly poignant))

You: ((but tragically beautiful))

Stranger: ((IDK I JUST WROTE SOMETHING;;))

Stranger: ((but thanks?? i guess??))

You: ((this has actually been the highlight of my night tbh))

Stranger: ((aaaw, same here, actually! this was really fun))

Stranger: ((this is actually my first time doing anything like this ahaha;;, i hope i'm not too bad or shouty))

You: ((you were actually perfect i nearly died at the "horse vibes" bit))

Stranger: ((ahaha i've been sitting here laughing for like forever at all of this))

Stranger: ((and thank you! you're really good at this too, and really funny))

You: ((aaaaah thank you too!! im definitely saving this log i am s ohappy))

Stranger: ((yeah, saving it up for when i need a smile! and this might sound creepy, but i assume you've got a tumblr? if not i AM SORRY))

You: ((thats so cute!! and i sure as heckie do! i am mabreadsticks!!))

Stranger: ((would you mind if i followed you?;; //blushie blushie//))

You: ((aaaaaah i would love it!! thank you so much!!!!! uwu))

Stranger: ((oooh, yes! this has been so much fun!))

You: ((i know, thank you so much!!))

Stranger: ((eeep, you followed me too! thank youuu!))

You: ((aaaah anytime! im gonna sound so creepy but you're so pretty aaaah))

Stranger: ((you're a real sweetheart, thank youuu!))

You: ((anytime!! uwu))

Stranger: ((we should really continue on with the celine dion adventure ft. eren and jean but it's getting so late here and even later where you are i guess??))

You: ((it actually is! like its half midnight here ahahaha i have like half an hour left))

Stranger: ((haha i've surely got half an hour to spare, and I'M PROBABLY GOING TO SEND YOU WEIRD ASKS TOO;;))

You: ((AND I AM TOTALLY OK WITH THAT!! so where did we leave off??))

Stranger: ((jean was running off looking for tape or something i think and also, coincidentally, into the arm/legs of a titan mosquito))

You: ((ahh yes so he was! let me see))

You: (as eren reflected upon his now brotherly duties, jean had managed to get himself tangled in the legs of the mosquito. how horrifying)

Stranger: (weapon still raised high above his head, eren ran towards the mosquito and his newfound brother)

Stranger: FRICK (slash) FRACK (slash) ERRRR (slashie)

Stranger: JEAN YOU LITTLE SHIT WHY DID YOU RUN IN THAT DIRECTION

You: (jean is too busy screeching in horror to answer his brother. he was not entirely sure how scary mosquitoes are up close until now. he cannot feel his legs)

Stranger: (eren, now horrified, hurries over towards jean like a worried mother hen.)

Stranger: (however, being his usual self even with his newly aquired brother, he doesn't ask how he's doing and only reaches out with a hand and a scowl that trembled with emotions raging from everything to 'u lil shit u r so dead' and 'r u ok hun')

You: (jean manages to cling to his brother's hand and stand up with his help. however, once he is upright, he pulls away and wipes his hand on his trousers)

You: YOU'RE COVERED IN BUG GUTS THATS SO GROSS

Stranger: DO YOU WANT ME TO WIPE MY FAITH IN HUMANITY ON YOU??? NO THEN GET CRACK-A-LACKIN' AND LET'S FIND SOME TAPE

You: EW NO

You: OKAY THERES A SUPERMARKET LIKE OVER..............

You: (jeans hand hovers in the air. he cant remember which part of the city he is in. he points randomly)

You: THERE??????

Stranger: THAT'S A THRIFT SHOP JEAN

Stranger: YOU DON'T NEED ANY MORE

Stranger: JEANS

You: HEY JAEGER, CAN WE GO THRIFT SHOPPING??

Stranger: WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT xMANY TIMES

Stranger: NO JEAN WE CANNOT GO THRIFT SHOPPING FOR ANY MORE JEANS

You: I NEED JEANS EREN

You: YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW MANY PAIRS OF JEANS I NEED RIGHT NOW

You: I HAVE A P R O B L E M

Stranger: WHAT KIND OF A PROBLEM WOULD REQUIRE YOU TO GET MORE JEANS JEAN VALJEAN

You: ITS LIKE

You: ONE DAY MY MOM BOUGHT ME A PAIR OF JEANS FROM THIS HERE THRIFT SHOP

You: AND THEN MY DAD RESOLD THEM BECAUSE HE SAID THEY MADE ME LOOK LIKE A WEENIE

You: AND TO THIS DAY IVE BEEN BUYING JEANS TO MAKE UP FOR THE HEARTBREAK

You: also my name is jean its an appropriate hobby

Stranger: IS THIS YOUR TRAGIC BACKSTORY JEAN and yeah i kinda figured BUT STILL

Stranger: I GUESS YOU CAN SAY

Stranger: THAT THOSE JEANS

Stranger: ARE FITTING

You: OH GET OUTTA HERE

You: I DONT NEED YOUR SHENANIGANS RIGHT NOW JAEGER

Stranger: WELL

Stranger: IS IT???

Stranger: AND DUDE WE STILL NEED TO GET THAT TAPE

You: WELL GET IN THAT DANG THRIFT SHOP AND LOOK FOR IT

You: I'LL KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR MOSQUITOES

Stranger: OKAY FINE THEN YOU WAIT HERE WITH YOUR SHAVEN LEGS AND PINEAPPLE HAIR

Stranger: (eren goes inside, but is only met by a bright light an a deep voice telling him that he's a cold ass honkey)

Stranger: (eren leaves. he did not want to be inside of the thrift shop anymore)

You: (the fact that eren has just implied that his hair is like a pineapple hurts jean's feelings slightly, but he keeps a brave face for when eren comes out of the thrift shop)

You: dude is that a fur coat

Stranger: (eren turns around and takes a good look at himself in the broken window of the thriftshop. yes. that's a fur coat. he's also dressed in all pink)

Stranger: OMG COME FEEL IT IT'S SO SOFT

Stranger: (eren shouts, ignoring the pink pants he's wearing)

You: GODDANGIT EREN WE DONT HAVE TIME FOR THAT

You: ((aaah i have to go now!! we have to continue this ok yes))

Stranger: ((ahaha, yes we really do! have a good day/night/whatever!))

You: ((you too!! byyyyeeee!!))

You have disconnected.