...or as I like to call it “Yelling with Wigs” because that pretty much sums up this movie. For what feels like five days but is really only 90 minutes, Nicolas Cage and Nicole Kidman scream at intruders and each other while their wigs/extensions hold on for dear life.
I couldn’t agree more Cagey-kins. Also, can someone confirm that his glasses actually have lenses? I’m 80% sure he’s just wearing frames, like a child playing dress-up or a poorly aging hipster.
Anyway, back to Trespass. We open on Nicolas Cage’s character, Kyle Miller, driving on what appears to be a country road while talking business accompanied with shots of a briefcase because BUSINESS. It’s clear we need to understand he’s a very important/successful BUSINESSman who more than likely has very little time for silly matters like being a good husband and raising his child(ren).
Kyle Miller arrives home to his arguing wife (played by a frozen-faced Nicole Kidman) and daughter (played by It Doesn’t Matter) and our initial thought is confirmed: his daughter can’t stand the mother (or boundaries! But why can’t she go to the party???!), he and his wife have no relationship (I blame the rose tinted glasses- see below), and Kyle’s priority is his diamond business (because of course he has an ambiguous job in diamond sales), not his family.
“Yes...diamonds...tell me more.”
Long story short, Nicole Kidman (character name: Sarah) dresses up to serve Kyle dinner (what?), only to be rejected per usual, Kyle needs to leave again because his diamonds are calling, and their daughter sneaks out of the house to go to a party with her friend who we learn is “fast” with the boys (why is that part of the story?). But before Kyle can flee from Sarah, who has a personality of boiled broccoli, they’re held hostage by intruders posing as security guards!
You might be wondering, who are these masked men and why did they choose to hold Kyle and Sarah hostage? Well, I wish I could answer that for you but at this point in the movie, there has been zero introduction as to who these people are and why they’re breaking into the Miller house. Oh, and the group of intruders includes three men and one woman who spends the entire time crying, watching baby videos of Kyle and Sarah’s daughter, and smoking crack or meth- I don’t know she’s an addict okay??!
For the next 40 minutes (or five hours, or three days- time is suspended in this movie and not in a good way) we’re taken on a wild ride where we learn the main thief (who looks like if Chris Parnell and Gary Oldman had a baby) needs money to pay back a drug dealer so he and his girlfriend (old Weepy McCrackpipe) won’t be killed, hot thief kissed Sarah (Volchock for you O.C. fans) when she thought he was just a repair man but was not into it, the daughter is held hostage when she returns from the party, and Kyle reveals he’s allegedly broke after opening an empty safe.
Well, as you can imagine an empty safe and empty excuses won’t do! So the robbers shift from wanting to kill Kyle for his life insurance to having the daughter steal money from the rich kids at the party. And by the way, hot thief apparently has psychosis but his doctor prescribed him tic tacs in a bottle...anyway he starts having a mental health crisis in the middle of all this.
Shirtless hot thief brought to you by a meaningless movie flashback. Also, sweet tank, Sarah.
With about 20 minutes (or 10 hours) to spare, the movie cranks up the heat from simmer to lukewarm. The main thief (Gary Oldman- Chris Parnell mash up) is killed by hot thief (also his brother), Kyle actually has money that he stored in the wall of a remodeled part of the house, the daughter seriously injures or kills Weepy McCrackpipe (we learn her name is Petal...what??) in a car crash and returns for her parents, hot thief is obsessed with Sarah and wants to run away with her, Kyle sets the remodeled room and money on fire, and then ends up shooting hot thief who then falls in said fire. The movie ends with Kyle, Sarah, and Who Cares laying in a dog pile on the lawn, the house burning up (along with some of my self-respect) in the background, and sirens wailing in the distance, signaling long awaited help.
Moral of the story, don’t wear tinted glasses and a bad wig because the universe will punish you and your family.
Although this movie had some of the best/worst lines I’ve ever heard on screen, the plot made zero sense, too many actors screamed their lines, and I know I’ve already said this but it bares repeating, ROSE TINTED GLASSES. That said, I give this movie 2/5 Ragin’ Cagein’s:
While I didn’t particularly enjoy this movie experience, there are people out there who loved it- so much so they gave it 10/10 stars on IMDB. VirtualSurf writes
Trespass is good. The last 60 minutes are much better since I can see more of Cam Gigandet [hot thief]. Cam's role is indeed the most interesting. His performance is the most captivating and touching. He plays that likable and psychotic bad boy so well. At the end, his being engulfed in flames is painfully disturbing. I almost want to jump into the flames and die with him. He is the one who saves Nicholas and Nicole's lives, but Nicholas ends up killing Cam ('s character). A better end would be: Nicholas not burning his own house and money, and let Cam take some of the money and run away.
It's against rational story telling, but I actually like to see Nicole run away with Cam. They are so cute together. I love to see more shirtless and sexy scenes of Cam, and more love scenes of Cam and Nicole.
Well said VitalSurf, well said.
That wraps up my first Nicolas Cage movie review. To anyone still reading, thank you and stay tuned for another review/ Nicky-poo news!
