#rahil.txt

[kvs-rahil]

i had a dream about johnny joestar last night.

someone told me he was around near where i was, so i decided to follow him around. i woke up after looking at him from afar, him never noticing.

i guess this is what admiration means. you gotta accept there's always a distance between you and the one you're looking at. and it means most of the time they're not gonna look back.

still, i don't think i want a dream where they'll always acknowledge my presence 100%. if it doesn't leave me a little melancholic, i don't think it means much. i had a dream about meeting a dear old friend once, and i lost him halfway through that dream. the rest is spent looking for him. i also had a dream where it's just me walking around a campus, calling his name. it's a little sad, but i still remember it, so it counts for something, no?

well, if you want a true silver lining to my dream last night, then i guess it's the fact that the sun is still warm there. i followed johnny around when it's still morning, and the sun feels nice against my skin. yes, it's only half the real sun's warmth, but it's still enough of an anchor for me. if i'm living as a bag of flesh, bone and blood, i should at least live as one that feels something.

[kvs-rahil]

just saw a post coming across my dash. the OP opens up about their struggle with fighting the fear of judgement as they try to live more authentically. it made me ponder a bit, about how "living true to myself" means to me.

i've never really had a concrete idea of who I am growing up. describing myself had always been about recalling what others would say about me. "quiet", "hardworking", "smart"—it felt more like reading a Wikia entry of a character named "rahil" rather than digging inside my own brain.

and i think that's why i've had consistent trouble with making decisions, especially when it comes to personal preferences. i could go from thinking my wardrobe, lifestyle, and other choices fit me the best, to be unable to look at them. i tend to look uncomfortable in my photos. i think the person i'm looking at in the mirror, the faces i see in photos and documents, and the small pieces of me that i can comfortably say are mine; are all so starkly different that i think this could count as deception. hell, i think i've accepted that this is how one would exist in such a fast, blurry world like this one. some level of charade and the self that is fluid and pliable.

i know it's not very helpful, and i'd still end up feeling just as lost, but trying to figure it out hasn't been much help. in fact, i tend to feel even more in my head about it, and the head is too cramped a place.

well, i think that's for today's musings. thank you for listening.

[kvs-rahil]

it's mid-july but with iced instant matcha in my hand i think i can even kill a god.

[kvs-rahil]

Just applied to an MT. I'm supposed to sleep right now. 10 PM and all. But I dread tomorrow. I slowly realized I have to put up this... appearance in front of my family. I've applied to n amounts of job openings. I've come across multiple management training opportunities. Yes, I've checked the scholarships too. I've considered how much should I save or spend if I do get that job, and I have a clear idea about the transit routes, even though you've never taken me out of the house without actively remembering the itinerary. My CV and cover letters are all taken care of and all my online profiles are safe for recruiters to read. My portfolio is impeccable even though I'm slowly realizing HR probably wouldn't like my eccentric approach to the layout and aesthetics despite the contents showcasing what they would like to see in a designer. Yes, I've considered whoring out my illustration work under my real name too, you sick, vile sons of bitches!

[kvs-rahil]

here's something i'd like everyone to know about how you treat strangers on the internet: DO NOT treat them like they're your personal proxies of entertainment. don't tell them what they should make next, don't keep pushing your "suggestions" after they've already answered you, DO NOT FUCKING treat a creative idea like it's a startup pitch or a business plan. you're not an investor, you're not my boss, you don't get to manage my creative process. i don't fucking know you.

GET LOST.

[kvs-rahil]

“‘Plenger’, ‘plenger’ artinya apa, Ya?” she asked.

She’s asked this for the fourth time of the day. I told her what it means the first time. I told her it meant ‘silly’, ‘random’. The vague, indecisive way a confused adult daughter would.

She went quiet. Mulled over it, probably.

Or probably not, since she asked again some time later.

“‘Plenger’ artinya apa, Ya?”

That fuckass question.

I said the same thing–this time, a little more detailed. “It means they’re being weird, like people after sniffing glue.”

That should do it.

And she asked again. “‘Plenger’ artinya apa, Ya?”

I’m considering she might’ve gone senile. She’s a little past 50, a little too early, still… right?

But kinder thoughts always come in hindsight.

So I snapped at her. “Oh, I’m sure it’s funnier the fourth time. Say it again.”

She laughed. Oh, that good-humored woman. Someone whose sense escapes me always.

She would say it again later, one more time.

[kvs-rahil]

sometimes you wonder if what you're feeling is being trapped in a routine, grieving some kind of loss, or coping with the fact that you'll never quite understand something or someone.

[kvs-rahil]

still abt the art i made for the ask: im so so sad about bridgettes rendition in those artworks. i was testing out this gnarly pen tip on photoshop but way too late into the illustration i realized i got her all wrong, especially her eyes and nose.

anyways if anyone's reading this forget the whole post lol. its 12 AM and im sleep deprived