#raindrops and brainstorms

[bleedingraindrops]

This message will likely never reach the people I'm speaking to, but I wanted to write it anyway. I've spent some time digging through old messages. I'm not sure what I was looking for, but I found a lot of old emotions and broken friendships. I had trouble letting go of people back then. I still don't understand why many of them left - they never did explain - but all of them were clear that they wanted to be left alone.

I didn't listen. I see now that I did not handle that well, and I would apologize if I could, but that would require contacting them, which they don't want. Part of me wants to think we could be friends again if we reconnected now, but that's not a healthy line of thinking anyway.

So I release this message to the wind. If it finds you, and I once held on longer than I should have, I'm sorry, and I wish you well. You are in my heart, though not my life. Fare well, and God be with you.

[bleedingraindrops]

AMA

Oh boy I’ve never done an AMA. I’ll leave ten example questions but really ask me anything. There are a rare few things I won’t say, and I reserve the right to these few secrets, but I doubt you’ll find them, so ask away. 1. Favorite Color 2. Favorite place I want to visit (specify real or fictional) 3. Deepest Regret 4. First kiss (not including: mother, and that girl from kindergarten) 5. Favorite type of music 6. Favorite Hobby 7. Proudest Moment 8. Most embarrassing moment 9. Favorite game 10. Best Princess

[bleedingraindrops]

Conversations with my other self

Sometimes, when I need to think very clearly, I will sit alone, and speak out loud to myself. Part of the time a response comes to mind, and I choose to speak it out loud, and part of the time, I just say it without thinking it first. I also tend to differentiate these two halves of the conversation with pronouns. The first responder, who thinks first, and speaks after, often uses the pronoun “you” as though I were someone else speaking to me. Then, the second participant who only ever speaks, uses the pronoun “I” or “me” as though it is myself speaking to someone beside me.  They are surprisingly consistent. Sometimes I let the latter just think, and the conversations happen much quicker, but I can almost hear them in two distinct voices, and people who have heard me from a different room often swear they can hear two different voices speaking.  It’s almost as though I’m two people living in the same head. Well, having chewed on that idea for a bit, it’s extremely interesting to note that everyone on this planet actually is two people, in a manner of speaking. Our brains are split down the middle, with left brain controlling our right side, and right brain controlling our left side. The two communicate constantly, so they usually reach an aggreement before either of them does anything, but people who have had a surgery that splits the two up often notice one side of them acting on its own without their consent. 

It’s an interesting phenomenon, and makes me wonder if what I’m hearing actually is the two halves of my brain communicating audibly through my thought processing center.

[bleedingraindrops]

I've realized I keep dreaming about the future, but I'm not quite sure what my plan is to get there. So I'm building a step by step process to build a plan Step 1: What are my hopes and dreams? Step 2: Let's start with just one from this list. Step 3: What resources would I need to make that happen? Step 4: Are there any qualifications I would need for that Step 5: Do I have any friends who can help me get those things? Step 6: How can I get those qualifications? Step 7: Is there anything I can do right now on my own to start gaining those resources? Step 8: Can any of that be fit into my current schedule? Step 9: If no, what can I eliminate from my schedule to make room? Step 10: Let's do it.

[bleedingraindrops]

I think it's funny how the little things in life can either lift us up or put us down. I was walking back from my tent this morning, enjoying the grass under my feet and smiling at the gentle rain. A friend of mine walked by and made a comment about how her life sucks right now. I asked her what the problem was, chuckling because most of our lives sucked under the workload we had. She said "there are several things I'm missing right now that I would be a lot happier if I had. A shower, for one; dry clothes; a bed; my puppy; some sleep; and my husband." I had to laugh. "I don't have any of those things either," I said. "But I'm still smiling. Nobody's yelling at me, nobody's shooting at me, I've just eaten, and God's sent me some rain to wash the mud off of my boots." I didn't mention that she could easily call her husband, just as I could call my parents, or that I missed my cat, and my exgirlfriend. As she walked away, continuing to grumble, I had to look up and laugh. The things that make or break how good life is for us can be pretty small sometimes. I'm just glad I'm able to complain about such things, even if I normally don't.

[bleedingraindrops]

You know, I’ve been thinking. The Christian relationship with God, and with those around us is truly amazing. We are representatives of Christ, and he grants us access to his throne room on a personal line. We can call him any time we wish, and talk about anything. Often we submit requests about our own lives, that he would help with whatever we’re struggling with, and other times we give thanks for blessings he has bestowed upon us.  But I (and many others I’ve met) like to extend that line of contact to my friends as well. Though they may not know Christ, I offer up their struggles to him as well, and ask that he help them, because he and I both care for them. And I think that’s truly incredible, that Christians are able to serve that role, to offer up a cry for help from those who don’t know how or are to afraid to ask.