#rainyydazzze

[bipolarboii]

Strange Fruit pt. 5

When I'm ready to go, I'm not leaving a note. I hate repeating myself and I've already said everything that needs to be said. After a certain point, one gets tired of having to explain themselves. If you weren't listening the first time, too bad. I literally left & saved a trail of messages for those who didn't get it while I was alive or ignored me until it was too late. I'm not sorry for leaving either. To my own credit, I survived much longer than I expected.

[bipolarboii]

Strange Fruit pt. 4

Hard to focus on bettering yourself when all you can dream and think about is death. Consciously knowing my fate unfortunately means none of this shit matters and nothing I do will actually have little influence to change that. I've been so transparent up until this point and time after time, I've been ignored, judged, belittled and betrayed for simply exposing my grief or pain. I have a hard time trusting people and really don't want to seek out help from another human I could never trust.

It's gotten to the point where I've begun to think I'd rather have never felt love at all than to have fake bullshit cloud my mind and trick my heart.

Why do I allow those who clearly don't think about me as much as I think about them have so much control over my emotions? Why does it feel like I'm impossible to love? Is it my fault? Past partners refuse to tell me what's wrong with me which drives me even crazier. How can every relationship I've had in the past end basically the same way and it not be my fault? What am I missing here? How can I find lasting love when apparently I'm not the issue? I know I'm not perfect but if all my past partners pretend or claim I am, then how am I supposed to grow/find a love that lasts? Why doesn't anyone keep their word and stay by my side? Why do people promise to love me yet cannot be there when I need them most? I make time for them. Most would suggest I focus on loving myself like that'll solve my problem but I've done that ever since I was lonely teenager. Now I'm an adult that generally likes himself but still manages to become a victim of people's fleeting emotions. I've created boundaries so I can be alone, which inherently speaking, is not a bad thing but no one should be alone for as long as I've had to. I think there needs to be a healthy balance between being alone and naturally allowing human connection to occur. When one takes precedence over the other causing imbalance, that's when issues arise.

Nevertheless, it feels like there's really nothing left for me here in this life. What do I have to look forward to? True independence feels so far away and a relationship seems like emotional suicide at this point. Attention/affection can be so misleading. Even when the love is real, who's to say it'll be consistent and stay? It certainly hasn't before. Whether I die now or later, what difference would it make? If my life up until this point is any indication as to how my future will look, I'm better off leaving sooner than later.

Strange Fruit.

[bipolarboii]

🧟‍♂️Zombie Confessions🧟‍♂️

I never wanted a long life to begin with. The earliest I can recall having ideations was when I was only 12 years old. I've accomplished so much since then but it all feels meaningless. Accomplishments alone DOES NOT bring me lasting joy. Possessions DO NOT bring me lasting joy. Comfortability/Complacency bores me. I've fought for so long yet still feel as if I'm in the same situation unable to move forward. Life is simply existing when it lacks true fulfillment or purpose.

Many don't understand me bc they only know the current me. For over a decade I've suppressed & silenced the majority of my emotions/thoughts so it's no wonder others know little about me. Only now am I being so open/transparent about it which I'm aware scares some people into thinking I'm either crazy, dangerous or both.

On top of word choice individuals use when speaking directly to me, I can also sense tone of voice, read body language & facial expressions. Not to mention it's clear how most people in society likely view me based on how they choose to speak on others suffering from a diagnosed mental illness, simply labeling them as crazy for something they do not understand nor care to for that matter.

Whether it's directed at me or not, how one speaks on one person's illness/experience is often a good reflection of how they likely feel about the whole group suffering from a diagnosed mental illness (at least to some degree). Calling someone crazy who clearly needs help is an EASY way to piss me off even if I hide the feeling internally. I often listen to these words/phrases cringing & secluding myself further bc it's far more lonely being misunderstood in a crowd than it is to actually being alone.

I know how I'm percieved which only leaves me feeling more isolated & angry due to common misunderstandings about who I am. So I ask this question: Why bother trying to change the narrative? What am I staying for? I don't even love this world enough to stay long-term in the first place & I don't really care who understand this. I've said this many times in different forms yet I continue to wait/work for a change. Maybe next decade.

[bipolarboii]

🎭The 'Noose' River🎭

I do not know how much longer I can remain on edge. There will be no note. Even in death, I will be misunderstood so what am I fighting for. I choose life but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want death.

[bipolarboii]

"Still su¡c¡d@l but some assume that I'm cool now"

[bipolarboii]

🎭Lonely Male Friends🎭

Many men will not tell you when they feel lonely and/or used. 

Many women will take too much of their male friend's time, energy & love, often aware of how they feel about them. This is no one's fault but a simple observation of mine. To a man that doesn't respect himself, he will overly devote everything to her & many women will let them continue this unhealthy behavior because people like attention. I believe some women are unaware they do this but many are also aware of this.

It's no wonder why so many of their male friends are secretly lonely but don't speak on it because it's the only way they do get attention. Please do not demand too much of your male friends' time or love if you know they see you somewhat romantically; it's not good for either of you. If you truly know your male friend is suffering from loneliness, perhaps help boost their self-confidence by introducing them to other women who can return their romantic interest instead of patronizing them in order to temporarily make them feel good. This does not make you a good friend to allow them to behave this way. The temporary feeling will leave them unfulfilled, empty & used as simply a tool for emotional support/attention seeking.

Many women will lead men on to believe they are something more when they don't actually mean it. Some even treat this as a joke and I don't respect that.

Men are humans too & if you want us to respect/defend you, then you should respect/defend our hearts instead of crushing them. Not only is it toxic behavior to lead someone on but selfish as well. You are enabling their loneliness & depression by doing this. 

I personally do not believe a male having a sexual attraction to a female friend makes him less of a friend UNLESS he acts & treats her differently according to this feeling. I think it's BS to say that because the reverse assumes there's females that don't have sexual attraction or simply find other males attractive (I don't buy this for one second). I agree, no woman owes a man sex & a man shouldn’t start a friendship off with this intention but a man also does not owe you friendship either. They can give that attention to someone who can return the love they seek & makes them feel fulfilled instead of empty & used, as many lonely males friends feel daily in my experience observing those around me.

Help them instead of making them feel guilty for finding you attractive because that's not exactly something you should be offended over unless they cross that boundary you should create & enforce if necessary. Stop feeding into the toxicity. 

Even male friends who do desire to be intimate with you do not have this narrow of a mindset & it actually makes them feel worse when you reduce their intentions to this single point rather than simply asking them how they feel. 

Your male friends who want to be with you are DEPRESSED AND LONELY. Show them compassion please.

Caption:

🙅🏾‍♂️NOT 4 SMALL ATTENTION SPANS🙅🏾‍♂️ 

If this does not apply to you, I am not talking to you (can't believe I have to even say this😒).

Lamar is not accepting questions or comments at this time🥱 

Pls leave me alone. I swear I'm comfortable alone. I like people but I also dislike people.

Be safe y'all ✌🏾👨🏿‍🚀🌙

[bipolarboii]

🎭YOU ARE NOT YOUR DIAGNOSED ILLNESS🎭

It is simply a label placed upon you. You are so much more than that. Why are you minimizing/reducing yourself to a label? While you may struggle with symptoms of an illness, you are not your illness. Get that out of your head or you're going to suffer forever from a victim mentality.

Many hear me but few listen. Ignorance shouldn't annoy me but it does. Sometimes idk why I bother trying to help people who CHOOSE not to listen before they speak. I personally refuse to listen to ignorance anymore. Y'all the reason I'm only 26 with my first grey hair🤦🏾‍♂️ I just gotta laugh at it & keep it pushin.

Pls don't talk or respond to me if you're not going to listen. There IS a difference between hearing & listening! I really detest repeating myself. . . Y'all NOT gon stress me out anymore when I'm trying to help & show you kindness ✌🏾👨🏿‍🚀🌙 Many of you wouldn't do the same for me at my worst moments. Y'all loved watching me struggle; it was hilarious huh?

They never know how bad it really gets.

[bipolarboii]

Misadventures Of A Sad Clown🤡

Raleigh, NC (April 1st, 2022)

People aren't so bad all the time🤷🏾‍♂️

Update: Nevermind. . . they forgot a nigga😒