I wrote about this a few days ago, and I'll write about it again. It's something that has affected me every now and then throughout my life, and it's not exactly fun. Since I received my official diagnosis a few years ago, I know it's not all that weird. But since I have never come across anyone else who goes through the same thing, it does feel kinda lonely. I guess deep down inside I am just looking for someone to say, hey, I get you. But alas...
Anyway, it's the 'special interests at war' thing I am talking about.
As an autistic person I have very intense interests. Not all my interests are intense, but some are. And by intense, I mean seriously intense.
Thank god for them. I would not be sitting here if I did not have those special interests. I am not kidding. For me, they're vital.
The thing is, if there are more intense special interests at once (like now), things become uncomfortable. I can only really immerse myself in one thing, and not two. I would go almost literally mad when this happened before I knew I was autistic.
Sure, nowadays I can sort of divide my time between interests, but when I consciously do that, none of the interests feel satisfying (or whatever I should call it). I end up feeling numb. Like someone who is just going through the motions. Life feels empty that way. Special interests should be a source of energy, joy, er cetera.
So I have to choose. Which adds to the discomfort of it all. I've had it happen to me in the past when I picked an interest to focus on, that I completely lost interest in the other one. That's not what I want. In ideal world I would just love both interests the same amount.
My world is anything but ideal though, so that is not going to happen.
I still don't really know how to deal with this. (If anyone recognises anything in this, and has tips or tricks, please let me know!)
I had a great few weeks focusing almost entirely on Jan Akkerman. Besides the funny feelings I've developed towards him (lol, I've always said it, I'll always be a 16 year old fangirl at heart 😉), I loooove diving into a subject like that. Submerging myself in the music, the interviews, the photos, I need to know every little detail... It's awesome.
The thing is, the football is restarting again at the end of this week. In fact, the special special interest (José) is holding a press conference tomorrow afternoon. And I can't not watch it. But at the same time I am dreading it, because it could mean the end of something I really love.
Anyway, long post. I thank you if you decided to sit through it. 🫡
Again, if any of this shit strikes a chord with you (even in the vaguest sense), let me know.
