#ralsei rambles

[trans-ralsei]

you ever go into old blog posts and notice a switch. like

i (sad) and I (motivated)

i (casual) and I (factual)

i (funny) and I (formal)

i (angry) and i (depressed) and I (anxious) and I (emotionless)

[dark-prince-ralsei]

Who changed my profile photo???? Susie?? Kris???

[dark-prince-ralsei]

Woah!!! ⋆｡°✩ Stars!!!

[trans-ralsei]

this is going out with a mature community tag so

an observation of orgasms i've experienced both before and during transition

this is a fairly difficult thing to write about, purely because it's actually really hard to describe, even though I've written erotica and will write erotica when i feel like it, but:

orgasms have changed since i started estrogen about 900-ish days ago.

in short: there's really a multi-dimensional feel to it now, compared to before, where it was very much centered around my... pesis. cock. penis.

i've heard this discussed before, and I've met transmascs who talk about this going in the other direction. the mechanisms of how this happens still eludes me a little (as with how i've experienced period-like symptoms), but if there was a thing i've noticed about my penis, it's that it's gotten stickier when aroused.

(I also get morning wood after I inject E in myself, but it has this oddly soft quality to it and goes away very quickly)

so, what does the multi-dimensional orgasm feel like?

(more under the cut)

when i say 'multi-dimensional' please understand that I mean this in a very metaphorical way. it's toe-curling; i writhe and whimper like a little puppy and my whole body tenses up, not unlike my partner's when they experience an orgasm.

before this happened i've heard it being described as 'full-body', but i can't really say it is 'full-body', and I guess the only full-body aspect of this is that it really just sort of takes my breath away a little bit, because as the tension builds up i tend to inadvertently hold my breath. i've felt my lungs burn a little after, even.

it really does feel like... a little death, to some degree. for me, it's this series of waves and warmth that i feel inside, that turn almost white-hot, for up to 30 seconds to a minute. and after that, i just conk out for up to 15 minutes. it really makes you think that the French were right in one thing - calling it la petite mort.

how did i get here? i think the switch to an injectable version of estrogen did it for me. i made the switch because of cost, but it's also spiked my E levels — roughly 1,839 pmol/L at my last measurement.

this isn't to say that taking more E has caused this. in fact before I switched to injectables I was averaging around 300 pmol/L. a mutual reported experiencing similar effects at that level.

i think the other reason why this has happened is that i've switched over to using a vibrator.

it's great, really. any wand vibe will do. mine is oddly named rin. all you do is to hold it at the little triangle that's your frenulum, and the waves of pleasure will come in - you'll feel yourself twitch and shake as your hips buck, and when i was with my partner i've also observed the same happening to them; the feeling of rocking your hips back and forth as the vibrations course through your genitals, building that little wave of pleasure up into that Great Wave off Kanagawa-esque thing that engulfs and takes up all of you. it's Fucking Great. it's this image over and over:

(source)

for added effect, keep pressing that wand vibe even as you cum, and don't stop. don't stop for goodness sake it will feel so good

(I forgot to mention: another friend of mine said her nipples practically turned into another erogenous zone after being on progesterone. this is entirely the case. i don’t think i can cum without nipple stimulation.)

i grew up masturbating prone while humping a mattress (it was, what i thought, the most discreet way to do it while living with three sisters).

i still kinda do it while fantasising about sex with my partner, and here's the really weird thing: orgasms are less intense when i jill off in the prone position while humping my pillow.

it feels very one-dimensional. weak. almost like me and my body was dialing it in for that surge of oxytocin that we craved.

but to call it masculine is also odd; i've had fairly good orgasms by myself before I transitioned while in this position. some of it happened after my egg cracked, as i was thinking of living a more feminine existence. (to ray blanchie: fuck you. cunt)

i don't know why, i think. maybe lil blanchie is right in his stupid, most illogical way. maybe i am AGP

most of my orgasms before transitioning were sort of one-dimensional; by nature, they were quickies of a sort, intended to quell that nagging, oily, pervasive desire that testosterone forced onto me.

some of my transmasc friends have described this happening to them — their orgasms feel more centered around their genitals, and they feel the exigent demand from testosterone that they need to relieve. like. every day.

even then, before or after, still haven't felt deeply horny — the giddy feeling that some have described while on high doses of progesterone. (I'm currently on 100mg oral. boofing it feels really inconvenient so i've stopped doing that)

i think being on E has sort of moderated the emotions i feel, and that deep attraction isn't that possible except with someone else (and my partner's always on their goddamn phone)

great. so now you have it. i'm jealous. how do i get one?

well i really don't know. it's not like you could go to walmart and ask for it.

i think for most, the switchover would happen at a higher dose of estrogen. take more of it if you can afford to, I suppose

and invest in that wand vibe. when i first held a rumbly hitachi in my hand i've always wondered whether it would feel intense. i still don't have that rumbly hitachi, but i think the vibe i bought was the best $80 i've ever spent.

cum with friends if you like; i heard that's actually pretty freeing, though i've never really tried it myself.

anyway i hope you have an orgasm you like, and happy cumming!

[trans-ralsei]

it's not enough to just be a girl. you have to be a cat

[trans-ralsei]

I came out as trans this Lunar New Year, after two years of practically boymoding around my extended family.

It's not that it wasn't obvious; I was fairly open on LinkedIn because of my work with the city-wide movement for trans rights, and they could have peered in at any point.

We lived around the same neighbourhood, too, and once or twice I did walk by a cousin around the local mall. (I girlmode virtually everywhere else.)

But I've never gotten around to telling them, largely because of how my family has been very traditional. I'm fourth-generation Chinese. A huge number of us went to the same Chinese school, and while there was nothing in our cultural values that stated otherwise, the traditionalist life track (as espoused by the center-right State) was always to get married, buy a house, and have two children.

Being my father's eldest 'son' compounded this problem. My mother was constantly belittled for not bearing a heir until I was born, and I distinctly remember her sister-in-law gloating about how her first child was a boy.

Coming out was a relief, but I was met with confusion. Like my crossdressing was merely a phase. My would-be marriage with my partner (largely legal, because we are legally heterosexual) was still on, and so nothing changed, except for me.

My grandmother — usually her beaming self — soured a little, and I could sense her being baffled, even though we practically couldn't communicate.

She can understand Mandarin, but she spoke a dialect, and as such, I could only understand her through my eldest sister, who acted as my interpreter. The eldest aunt offered to 'explain things', but that felt incredibly awkward; my grandma reportedly ‘threw a fit’ afterward.

(When they say 'dialects' are language subordinates, understand that Mandarin dialects like Hakka and Cantonese are literally languages of their own and can be mutually unintelligible. I wish I wasn't kicked out of Cantonese class when I was on exchange!)

My cousins were also concerned; or they passed down the concerns my aunts had to me.

One asked if it was the pressures of being the eldest 'son' that made me transition. (My 60ish year-old trans ex-boss dryly suggested a reply: "Well I only did it because it was what the cool kids were doing." To which I would have suggested something funnier: "You were the cool kid, by the way.")

Another asked if HRT was safe. All of them asked if we intended to have kids.

I didn't explicitly request for how I was referred to — auntie instead of uncle, little sister instead of little brother, my pronouns or my name — to change.

I'm actually fairly comfortable with my Chinese name if it was pronounced correctly (no one ever does; I consider its English pronunciation my deadname). But I also think wanting change would have set me up for conflict.

When I first transitioned and thought of this moment, I wanted it to feel more gradual. I knew of the confrontation it would set up, of the feeling of abandonment towards a duty I had towards my family that it would cause.

But I'm beginning to see that duty as something that isn't gendered. I'm supposed to be there with my kin, regardless of who I am. We did, after all, grow up together.

Maybe it'll all be fine after all.

[trans-ralsei]

i get really annoyed — and borderline hate — the word 'individuals', especially when applied to trans people:

transgender individuals non-binary individuals gay individuals

this is absolutely a critique of the english language and how we use it to communicate. very rarely would i actually allow use of the word when i edit stuff that goes out on the city-wide movement for trans rights.

the word runs counter to the idea that we are part of a community. it implies that we can still be split apart, into singular units, when it should be recognised that we are an indivisible part of a society, intimately interlinked with everyone else. we are your bus drivers. your train operators. your journalists. your musicians. your coders. your sanitation specialists. your lovers. your family. your friends.

sure, individualism will get you some of the rights you enjoy as a human being. but it means that you are now separate from the rest of society as a whole. when things break down and crumble from the stresses that end-stage neo-liberal capitalism causes, what then? an individual needs friends, family, strangers to live, eat, dream, fuck, survive. what then is an individual but not a person? a human? what then is a group of individuals but not people?

[dark-prince-ralsei]

Cute!!! Aw!

🐟 ╱|、

(`O - 7

|、⁻〵

じしˍ,)ノ