updates/i’m back!/ramble 1?
hi! haven’t posted for a minute. sorry. i understand that my posts help a lot of you so i’m determined to get back on track soon. here is a blog post-style kind of post because i’ve been wanting to blog for a while.
cw: very brief mention of grief, no specific details
losing a friend
every time i lose a friend, whether i cut it off or not, it always feels almost identical to grieving a death. it’s the same feeling for me. surely not as strong as experiencing death, but still very strong. even when i know for a fact that the friend wasn’t super good for me. i think this is how it is for everyone else??? i’m not really sure. i haven’t met everyone else. i cut off one of my friends recently, a couple months ago, and even though i needed to, i felt like i was hollowed out. i had started noticing that the way that they and their friends talked to me was anything but sweet about six months prior, so this wasn’t an impulsive decision. i had piles of evidence against this person, yet i still felt like i made the wrong decision or that i was just being a pansy about the way that they were treating me. the only way i can describe that is a heaviness on your back, but not a calming one. one that means you’ve made a huge mistake. in my life, i have kind of taught myself to shut up and take it so that other people don’t get mad or sad, and this experience has shown me to unlearn this. for that, i am pretty thankful i guess.
anxieties regarding new carpeting
i’m getting my carpet in my room replaced soon, and something about that makes me so nervous??? i really don’t know why, i have nothing to worry about, other than moving stuff around. i guess i’m worried about the hassle it’ll be, shoving all that shit in the guest room and then shoving all that shit back into my room. i don’t know where i’m gonna sleep when the carpet guys are here, either. carpeting doesn’t usually take a super long time, right? ah, i’ll figure it out.
that’s it! i don’t know how to end these so i’m ending it like this.
i love you! - mf
