I get scared when I eat beans.
isn’t that a funny sentence
but then again, what is funny about ridiculing somebody’s fear?
i mean, fundamentally, what is fear really? situations where our tiny monkee brains are forced to reconcile with the immovable giant that is our world? extensions of concerns stemming from previous bad experiences? ingrained defense mechanism built from our cavemen ancestors? (btw i hate the cavemen ancestor whatever the fuck built in arguments that just sounds so culty and pesudoscience to me but yes)
this sounds way too pretentious sorry
it’s just that I often dwell on things that I know I shouldn’t dwell on, because digging in a big deep hole that’s already very big and very deep does not contribute much to the discussion does it? i guess it’s also very on brand for me to be stuck trying to do something that I know is impossible. (less so now, but I could be very stubborn, or so I have been told) It also doesn’t help the fact that I’m afraid of being shot to death while living in amsterdam, one of the safest city in europe, like who the fuck even thinks of shit like that??
not to quote mulaney but, for years I was a child, in many many part i still consider myself a child I have way too many dumb habits and quirks that I need to iron out before I can convince myself that I’m an adult. As a kid, I would often wake up crying to my parents, telling them that I, in fact, do not want to go quiet into that goodnight and merely perish at the ripe age of 80 and would rather not let time gain its victory over me. over the years, that hasn’t as much dissipated as it has kinda burrowed deeper into the two inch deep kiddie pool that is me. Sometimes, usually unprompted, or most of the time when I start watching videos from Vsauce, or that one time I watched a Ted-EDU animation on heat death, the good ol’ comforting snake of dread slithers out of whatever hole in my soul it buried itself in, and starts dripping venom into my ears again for approximately the 80 bijillionth time.
reading camus and thinking about the meaninglessness of life yet still rebelling against that has certainly helped me with not spiraling too much from homebase but, that’s a topic for a different time.
but i guess fear is also one of the most definitive part of the human experience, is it not? the sharing of pain and worries and woes, that could have stemmed from the simplest thing like a can of beans, to know that you are not alone in this puddle of anxiety, to find solace and reassurance in simply possessing the fact that there are indeed someone there that could ease a bit of the weight that you’ve been holding onto for so long. To know that despite it all, sometimes life just like to tease you out a bit by throwing you a lifeline, tricking you into believing that maybe god put you on this earth for a reason ;)
okay that got a bit too nihilistic but you know me
i mean, i think beans are worth it though, even though you might cut your finger on the can every time (or almost every time I’m not one to generalized I ain’t your cans of beans) you open them, they do be beans though, and beans are pretty great. They come in so many shapes, all of them can be described as bean-shaped, and their flavour is so unique and comforting. Just a sea of sameness culminating into an experience that can be described, not to use big words here, but like "a mouthful of beans."
i love beans.
i hope beans love me back.
