Our Earth-Bound Angel: An Open Letter to Misha Collins
September 18, 2008. It was a Thursday.
A simple, ordinary day. Most of us went to work, or school and when we came home, we were so excited to sit down and watch the new episode of this little show we were all kind of obsessed with called Supernatural. You might have heard of it, two annoyingly handsome brothers, a ’67 chevy impala, saving people, hunting things, the family business? Yeah, that’s the one. All I remember is having a ton of uni work to do, and Supernatural was always one of my favourite ways to procrastinate starting my assignments. Little did I know that on this particular Thursday, I and the rest of the world, including the Winchesters, would be introduced to a strange, stoic, ocean-blue-eyed, trench coat wearing being by the name of Castiel, Angel of the Lord.
As I sit here today, in November of 2020, hands down the strangest year I have been alive to witness and fifteen years after this incredible, groundbreaking show aired, I wait with anticipation, heartbreak and a grateful heart as the final episode hits our screens. I’m on the rollercoaster of emotions, as is the rest of the SPN family. Sam and Dean Winchester, and Castiel, have been so much more than television characters to so many people. They’ve been role models, safe places, escapes, friends we could always turn too when we felt alone. They’ve fought heaven, hell and everything in between, all while helping us fight the demons that a lot of us deal with everyday; depression, anxiety, repression, silence, violence, cruelty and bullying. Which brings me to why I'm writing this epistle.
While Supernatural and it’s characters have been a crux of support, for me, there has been one soul at the centre of what I can only describe as a shift in perspective, mindset and spirituality that has changed the way I think, the way I live my life, the way I perceive the world and the way in which I am consciously aware. That soul is Misha Collins.
Misha is the kind, genuine, incredible, humble human being who brought Castiel to life. He took this iconic angel through his journey from stoic, unwavering, unfeeling solider to the caring, loving, brave, loyal man he is today. Cas gave all of us who lived in the shadows a voice, he was a lost soul who fought for good, for love and for family at every turn. He discovered himself, he figured out right from wrong, figured out emotions, how to be and how to love, he figured out what truly made him happy, his love for a single human being. Cas is the embodiment of growth, of acceptance and of love. He is, and will forever be, one of the most groundbreaking characters to ever grace our screens (pun not intended, but I'll take it), and it's an astonishing and beautiful legacy to leave behind.
But the real earth-bound angel is Misha, the person.
Misha has impacted and changed so many lives all around the world, not just with his character, but with who he is, what he fights for, and how he inspires. When he speaks, we listen. Where he leads, we follow. He has changed my life in monumental ways and it's interesting to think that a single person, who I've never even had the privilege to meet in person, has been able to change my entire life for the better. There is nobody quite like Misha; he's a change maker, an advocate, an educator, an activist, a philanthropist, an absolute force to be reckoned with. I’ve never seen someone who uses their power and platform of celebrity the way he does; to fight for good, to fight for change and truly make a difference on both massive and small scales. He has brought about more kindness, and more social and political change than I ever thought possible.
In 2010, Misha, with help from the SPN Family, founded a non-profit organisation called Random Acts, which was the result of an immediate need to help those who had been affected by the earthquakes in Haiti at the time. Random Acts is an entirely volunteer-run organisation aiming to inspire change and help make a difference in people’s lives through acts of kindness. I have been working at Random Acts going on four years now. In that time, I have seen and been apart of so much good, so much kindness, it has truly lifted my soul and filled my heart at a deep level. I’ve been able to work with some of the greatest human beings on the planet, and many of them who have become close friends. Those who I can talk too when things are rough, those who know life can be hard, but they always have your back. I cherish them, I feel blessed everyday to know them, and without Misha and his desire to do good, I would never have found this amazing family. How does one even begin to say thank you for that?
For those of you who don’t know much about Random Acts, we are a non-profit organisation dedicated to conquering the world with kindness, one act at a time - and let me tell you, that’s exactly what we’re doing. The people in this organisation work tirelessly to save the world every single day. We’ve helped suffering communities rebuild their towns, homes and schools, our partnerships with GISH* and The Legacy of War Foundation* in the Change A Life project has seen over $750,000 raised for those in need. Let’s also not forget the development of the Random Acts COVID-19 Support Program and the SPN Family Crisis Support Network*, which is dedicated to promoting awareness and providing resources to all those suffering from mental health issues, self-harm, depression, bullying and addiction. This year we are celebrating 10 years of kindness, and if you would like to know more about how to get involved or contribute to our anniversary campaign, you can do so here: https://www.randomacts.org/ten-years-of-kindness/
But wait, there’s more, because that’s just who Misha is, like I said, a force to be reckoned with. Let’s face it, 2020 has been a nightmare on an epic scale; COVID, racism, violence, the U.S presidency and the election, you name it, we’ve done it. Throughout this year, most of us felt our hope slip away bit by bit, the more we tried to fight, the more it felt like we lost. It felt as though the world was burning and we couldn’t do a damn thing to stop it. I think I finally understood how Sam, Dean and Cas felt at the brink of every apocalypse they ever faced, because that is truly what this year was; the apocalypse. But whenever things got really tough, whenever I didn’t know what to do, or how to react or how to make it better, I knew I could turn to Misha, because he would have the answer. His light, his wisdom and his capacity for hope and goodness was never short of a miracle, and it was what got me through most of those gut-wrenching, 'I can’t do this’ days.
Misha is the type of person who acts on what he believes in, he is the person encouraging people to vote, providing resources and the information needed to make sure your votes were counted. He has had Random Acts volunteers bring snacks to people who were waiting in voting lines, he rallied his friends and the SPN Family to set up the SPN Phone Bank, he hosted the SPNVotes Zoom GOTV rally and episode watch party, and has provided us with Senate candidates and House of Representatives candidates lives and zoom talks so we can be as informed as possible. And that was just for the election. When the Black Lives Matter movement was at it’s height, Misha did everything in his power to educate, to assist and to fight for the rights of others: the GISH Change A Life project raised over $50,000 to fight malaria in Africa with Nothing But Nets and over $122,000 for Cut50 and Dream Corps' to help fight for criminal justice reform, he also provided us with access to discussions with senators and prominent leaders in social change so that we can be educated and so we can educate others on the serious issues that plague our society.
I could go on and on about this man, because the above only scratches the surface of what Misha has done for the world. I have never had someone impact my way of thinking and way of being on such an epic scale. Most of you who know me know that first and foremost, I’m an actor and I’m a writer. The inspiration that Misha has brought to my creative process is a feat in itself. To be able to watch an actor take a guest-star role and turn it into not just a main character, but a phenomenal example of development, growth and creativity has forever changed the way I approach a script and a character. The choices I’ve seen Misha make as Cas, all versions of, have both truly astounded and surprised me, I look up to Misha as an actor because he’s so uniquely creative. He’s not afraid to try things, he’s not afraid to push the envelope and get out of his comfort zones. He knows character and story so very well, he knows exactly how to use the full spectrum of emotions exactly when needed, and he has what I can only think to describe as ‘presence’, as ‘energy’ that radiates off the screen. Watching Misha play, develop and grow the essence that is Cas’ has been an educating and enlightening experience to watch as an actor.
For me as a human being, Misha has flipped the way I view the world and humanity on its head. He has this unbridled passion for life - and I don’t just mean in the sense that he loves life - I mean in the way where being around him, or listening to him, makes every person accountable for kindness and responsible for change. It’s not possible to follow Misha as a person and as an actor without being so heavily impacted by his views, his life, his art, his work, his capacity for good, everything. You don’t see that everyday. We don’t have enough of those kinds of leaders in our lives, and in a world where division and chaos is rife, people like Misha are our chance to save it. He is already so heavily impacting the way in which the next generation is going to behave, they are turning to him now to see how to be, what to do, how to make the world better. And he is teaching them and showing them the way and I couldn’t be prouder to call this man my idol.
So this is my thank you, in the best way I know how. In case nobody’s told you lately Misha, you are one of a kind. They broke the mould when they made you. You are the kindest, most inspiring soul and this world is so lucky and so blessed to have you. I feel privileged that I get to share a planet with you, and that I get to be living on this earth at the same time as you. You’ve changed the world, changed me, and changed all of us for the better.
You’ve opened our eyes to issues and concerns, whether it be social, environmental, political or otherwise that we may not have understood or given much thought to before you showed us why we should. You’ve made us feel safe, you’ve given us the space and room to be ourselves, to not be ashamed of being different or unique. You have never judged us, but you have always encouraged and supported us. You have this beautiful way of talking to people, of using words to encourage and inspire and motivate us to be the change, to do the good, and to fight the fight.
You light up any room you’re in or screen that you’re on, you make us smile and laugh, and when we feel down or low, it is you we turn too. Maybe you truly do have angel grace inside of you. You are the example to which I live my life by, and the standard to which I hold myself accountable. I hope one day to be even half the human being you are. I’m beyond grateful for everything you’ve taught me, about life, about acting, about being a good human, about being yourself and being the good you want to see in the world.
Thank you for Cas.
Thank you for Random Acts and the Crisis Network.
Thank you for GISH and the Change A Life project.
Thank you for teaching me how to be better.
Thank you for caring about the world.
Thank you for your hope, wisdom and kindness.
Thank you for changing the world.
Thank you for saving our lives.
Thank you for changing my life.
Thank you for being you.
Some heroes don’t wear capes, some wear trenchcoats.
You are my hero. You are truly an angel, there is no fiction about that.
I love you.
xxx
* GISH: The Greatest International Scavenger Hunt, also founded and run by Misha, is an annual event that mixes the weird, the magical, the strange and the brilliant into one big machine that uses playfulness and creativity to spread kindness: https://www.gish.com/
* The Legacy of War Foundation: Co-founded by the incredible soul that is Giles Duley, to help empower and rebuild the lives of those who have been affected by conflict and violence: https://www.legacyofwarfoundation.com/
* SPN Family Crisis Network: Founded by Misha and fellow actors, Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki upon listening to the stories told to them by the fans about their personal struggles with mental health issues, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts/attempts, self-harm, and addiction in order to support and help fans cope with such issues: https://www.imalive.org/, https://twloha.com/, and https://www.randomacts.org/random-acts-support-network/
[TRANS] Allure Korea February ‘18 - Wooyoung Interview
Walking Slowly
Wooyoung has stepped away from 2PM for a while, and he is now standing in front of his own music. He is about to take his first individual steps with his 2nd solo album <BYE> that is full of his worries and growth he experienced over the last 10 years. With 10 years behind us, we are facing Wooyoung who says that now really feels like a beginning. And here, I thought that we still don’t know him well enough.
Although the title “Idol for 10 years” is heavy, when we meet Wooyoung after a long while, he still has this fair boyish face. His wit that makes everyone at the shooting site explode with laughter is also the same. However, even though he’s smooth as a pebble, his words full of density allow us to catch a glimpse of how intensely he has worked on pulling his thoughts together. The year 2017 was busy for Wooyoung. As a singer-songwriter, he released two self-composed albums in Japan and carried out two solo tours without much difficulty. Also, as a part of 2PM, he performed at the final “full member 2PM” concert for a time being, as the members are preparing to enlist one by one. What’s more, not forgetting to take care of his Korean fans, he also released Korean versions of his Japanese songs in the midst of his Japanese activities.
And finally, on January 15th, Wooyoung came back to the national scene with a mini album that is full of his self-composed songs. The 7 songs in the 2nd mini album <BYE> are full of an unfamiliar voice that could easily make us doubt whether it’s really Wooyoung and of that Wooyoung’s special, sorrowfully sweet tone that quite a few us have obviously missed. The detailed setup for the title song <Quit> is especially interesting, as it tells about a breakup when your former lover is shedding fake tears. Along with the music show appearances, Wooyoung will also hold his first solo concert in Korea on February 10th-11th. Wooyoung is already running fast in 2018. An idol for 10 years, singer-songwriter, a young man who is about to turn 30. Wooyoung, who is dreaming of becoming a “pro lazist.” Here we asked him what he’s up to these days.
- It’s been a long while since your last solo release.
It’s been over 5 years since the first solo album <SEXY LADY>. I promoted a song that was composed by Jinyoung hyung. To be honest, back then I thought that the most meaningful thing was to enjoy the feeling of standing on stage alone while working as a solo singer. However, this time it’s somewhat different. Shall I say that now I can display something that is solely mine? I get to think that “It took me 10 years to finally be so deeply engaged into properly making my own music, my album, my stage.” Lately, I see there is a trend in the Korean entertainment scene to complete new album promotional activities within a week or two. However, I would like to leave a slightly longer impression. I don’t want to go through it too fast and too easy. I want to slowly earn trust of the general public. I think that right now I’m in the process of building such things. I’ve been into this for 10 years, but it feels like now is a beginning.
- We’re having this interview exactly a week before your comeback. How do you feel?
I’m very nervous and anxious. There’s nothing you can do about the fact that the rules of this world say that popularity is judged by rankings. Personally, there are times when I want to ignore such things because I don’t want to get stressed or hurt, but I feel that would be very selfish. It’s not like I work alone on this. There are people who watch over me and walk along with me, so I wish for good results. When you’re in this for 10 years, you realize that the judgment of the general public is not something you can guess rashly. However, I want to be acknowledged by the people around me, by those who know me. I want them to feel like “Jang Wooyoung releases good albums,” “Jang Wooyoung works hard,” or “I want to keep on listening to his music.” Rather than chart rankings, I’m more concerned about such assessments.
- What did you focus on the most while making this album?
Songs, music video, album jacket visuals, album release promotions: these things are now secondary to me. The most important thing was the question of “What kind of person am I now?” Actually, that is a daily homework. Because, after all, creating my own music is reflecting upon myself. On the one hand, working on songs and getting acknowledged by Jinyoung hyung is a meaningful result by itself; but I don’t want to limit myself with that. Rather than worrying too much on how to sing a song and how to show it, I ask myself “Where am I going now?” and after musing over it, I answer “I must be going well.” I just wanted to make it through a more advanced work.
- If we were to pick 3 keywords that could explain the present Jang Wooyoung…?
Man, dating, loneliness. Doesn’t this answer combine into one too easily? (laughs) To be honest, I don’t think there is anything else about the present me. When I was younger, I wanted to look manly and charismatic in front of the camera, so I tried really hard. I did that without even knowing what it was. But as the members and I grew older year after year, the responsibility for the music we make grew a lot stronger. This responsibility naturally turned me into a man. Now, when my real self gets caught on camera, I move around naturally. In such instances, I get to think about my human nature as a man. And dating. I really wouldn’t know dating. I want to do it so much, but I also feel like I want to protect my own personal time. The same applies to loneliness, too. I feel lonely, but I’m so used to my alone time that I even tend to avoid meeting others. I guess right now it’s just that kind of time for me.
- Do you have any habits when you make songs? I’m curious about your work methods.
I haven’t written that many songs, but I think that everyone develops a personal know-how when they work on it. I’m the type who sits down calmly and scrawls his feelings. I don’t mean anything special, just random thoughts that come to mind. “Ah, everything is so annoying right now,” “I miss this person,” “I want to love like that” – when I write down such corny, blunt, and sly things, vaguely a story starts appearing in my head. When I leave these things to rest and then later share my ideas with the producer crew I work with, we come up with various interpretations and the ways we want to express it.
- So you write the lyrics first. I’ve heard there are people who start with the melody though?
Everyone really has a different approach. You can start working on a song from one short bit of melody you’ve been humming. For me, lyrics and thoughts still come first.
- How did the members react to your new album?
I don’t know, I guess the one who listened to the entire album is Minjun hyung because he visited me in the recording room? When I think about it, I couldn’t give the songs for the members to listen to. Even if we meet, it’s not the kind of atmosphere where you would ask them to listen to your music. (laughs) And it’s not in my character to tell them “you have to hear this.” And I do not really wish for members’ unconditional approval. It’s not in my nature to pressure people, and I’m somewhat shy. Ah, now that I think of it, when Khun hyung was in Thailand, I sent him the song called <I LIKE> by mail. I really cried a lot while making that song. Khun hyung doesn’t really say cheesy things, but perhaps he was touched by the song because early in the morning he sent a lot of “I love you so much” messages to the members in our group chat room. He recited <I LIKE> lyrics too. (laughs)
- They say that 2PM’s biggest fan is 2PM. Please tell us some news about the other members.
Lee Junho is working hard on filming his drama “Rain or Shine” in Busan. Taecyeon hyung is doing his military service well. When I saw him on his day off, he looked really healthy. Khun hyung is travelling between Korea and Thailand as he has a fan meeting and several other activities in his home country. Minjun hyung completed his album’s promotional activities last year and he is now preparing many other things. Chansung digested a very complicated schedule last year when he worked on a drama, musicals, and a play. I thought he was really great. I think everything is at the time where they expand the scope of their solo activities. As long as I do well, it’s gonna be fine.
- You always say that you’re lazy though?
It’s true. I procrastinate until the very end, and then work myself to death when I reach a deadline. I can’t do anything in advance. I should fix this habit.
- I can’t avoid asking you how you feel about 2PM’s 10th anniversary.
It feels like receiving an award. An award that is not given by someone. An award that we have made ourselves. It could also turn into the resolution, pride, and confidence that we have to carry. Of course I’m worried about the future. I want to make better music and spend my time with the members better, too.
- What was Wooyoung like 10 years ago? Did you even imagine your 10th debut anniversary?
To be honest, I thought that I would start making my own music a lot faster. I was really ambitious when I debuted, my drive was burning. But when you start working in this business, you realize that it’s very hard to hold out day after day. Even so as we went through quite a lot as a group. I was weighed down by a thought that “doing music alone is quite burdensome to me.” A week ago, when I was completing the production process for this album, I stayed up all night and went home at around 8 o’clock in the morning. And suddenly a thought struck me: “Ah, it took me 10 years!” Somehow I got a very vain feeling. I feel very happy and glad that I can show something I’ve made, but should I say that I also want to enjoy it quietly on my own? It’s not like “Wow, so exciting! I’m releasing an album!” but more like “Finally, I’m releasing an album. Now, I’m somewhat ready,” or so.
- Turning thirty is a somewhat sensitive topic for women, but what about men?
Honestly, I think men are more obtuse than women. Sensitive things, things you care about, important problems: they all seem to be different. I don’t think much about turning thirty, but at the same time, I feel that I am consciously avoiding the subject. Perhaps I’m afraid it might hit home too much. (laugh)
- You introduce your favorite songs through live broadcasts on SNS. Is there a song or an artist that has influenced you lately?
There’s a song called “Hericane” by an American band LANY. When I first heard it, I almost thought “What is this?” Then I looked it up, and I found that they were a pretty hot band. When you work on music, you may find yourself worrying like “There are so many songs out there, does it matter much if I make something new?” But when you encounter such musicians like LANY, you get to think that it is meaningful to make new things. Their music touches me so much, so perhaps my music can also touch someone. This thought is what makes you anticipate, it gives you purpose.
- Is there a musician who’s kept on inspiring you over years?
National music from 1980s and 1990s. Music from such seniors as Kim Kwangseok, Yoo Jaeha, Light & Salt, Sanulril. It always gives me a lot of comfort. It is reassuring that such artists were there before us.
- “The Me I like the most.” When would it be?
When I work. When I’m immersed in creating something; whether I tap on the keys sitting at the piano, pull at guitar strings, or write a line after a line on a piece of paper. When I play a piano, it’s not the singer Wooyoung, it’s Jang Wooyoung who practices like a student, and I like that feeling.
- And if you were to pick a moment when you dislike yourself the most?
When I start doing something because it’s fun, but then suddenly it turns into studying and I hold onto it against my own will. I really dislike it when something starts out good, but then it turns into a compulsion or ambition that says you must do it. I just like it when I enjoy doing something when I’m fully immersed into it and I have no place for such thoughts. I think Jinyoung hyung might scold me if he heard me talk like this. But I really feel pressured the moment the thought: “I must do it no matter what,” pops into mind.
- You don’t prefer the sense of accomplishment that you strive for even though it might be painful?
To my mind, it is a rather senseless ambition. If I work according to a plan, it’s already something I’ve planned, so I don’t feel any fun doing it. Instead, I just keep on postponing it until I finally sit down thinking “Well, shall we try and do something?” and this unexpected immersion is really interesting. Actually, I might get even lazier because of that. But the funny thing is that being lazy is also very hard. I don’t do something because it’s tiresome, but then again if I suddenly feel that I must do something, it’s really stressful.
- I don’t think you’re a naturally lazy type.
I’m not. A few years back, I used to harass myself to the point they would call me the “practice bug” at the company. But shall I say I got sick of it? When I turned 25, I began asking myself things like “What am I lashing myself so much for?”
- Was there any special reason that instigated such thoughts?
I think that such time comes no matter what you do. When I was young, I didn’t know anything, so I just focused and worked hard, but when I was lucky enough to fulfill one or two dreams, my heart suddenly felt very empty. Even as I stood in front of the practice room mirror every single day, I thought: “Why am I so tied down to such trivial things? Is this really important?” So, starting from around 5 years ago, I began letting go of the things I was obsessed with. Because I wanted to see the real world. Of course, even before that I was always plagued by the fundamental worries and questions like “What do I live for?” or “Yeah, so what?” So I spent my time meeting different people, travelling, visiting exhibitions, getting rid of the things I thought were important and filling up the empty space with something new.
- For some reason, it feels like you’ve cleared one stage of life and leveled up.
It might be. As an idol, work-wise I did go through a level-up process. As a human, I suppose you can level up through having a relationship. When two people meet and love each other, and then the lightning strikes your life when you break up, I suppose you grow when you endure that time, no?
- What do you wish for 2018?
I’m really looking forward to it! I don’t want a single day to slip through my fingers. I definitely want to be lazy, and definitely want to work.
TW: Mentions of self loathing, cursing?? I guess
Word Count: 7712
Genre: Fluff
Prompt: dontforgettosmile (AO3)
Summary: It's been a long time since Dan last dated someone. Eight years, to be exact. Phil offers that they go on a date, to save each other from the dreadful feeling of being alone. But no homo though.
READ ON AO3
I may or may not be accepting prompts it depends do u want a fic next year let me know
Author’s Note: This promt was sent an entire year ago! Yikes! I've been struggling to write this because of school, but since its summer again, I finally got to finish it! Ey!
Also listen, this was meant to be a sad ending™ fic but I love yall!! Didn’t say it’s a good ending tho it’s pretty rushed and shitty so yea enjoy
Dan knew it was a bad idea to lurk around his old friends’ profiles right before he deleted his Facebook. It made him feel insecure of himself since they had all these accomplishments and great things going on for them, while he was stuck in the same thing for about seven years now. Sure, Dan enjoyed making Youtube videos, and his (and Phil’s) fanbase was really strong, but he still had that tinge of fear that one day, all of it will be lost and he will have nowhere else to fall back on. Phil kept reassuring him that nothing bad will happen to them in the near future, but the thought still left Dan sleepless at night.
But other than that, in a less existential tone, Dan felt pretty salty about people's relationships. Every time he scrolled through Facebook, he found people bragging their love and security right before his very eyes; it is what made him want to quit Facebook in the first place (his personal Facebook, at least). People would freak out if his “danisnotonfire” account vanished in thin air. But in his private account, Dan hated scrolling through pictures of flowers one of his uni friends received from their dates, or pictures of weddings of high school acquaintances he never bothered unfriending, or videos of his friends from his old job showing their baby’s first few steps. They made Dan realize how lonely he was, and how long it had been since he was ever serious with someone.
Upon scrolling further down his timeline, Dan saw a picture of the last person he wanted to see right now; the first and only serious relationship he had in his entire life, Sarah Wickham. She got married last Saturday and just posted an album with 100 HD pictures of the entire wedding thirty minutes ago.
People thought she and Dan were cute together after playing Romeo and Juliet at uni, so they just decided to give their relationship a chance. They actually hit it off for the most part. They were both very much into acting, hence being in the school play, and they had a lot of interests in common. He was actually surprised about how extensive her knowledge was in Muse discography.
The only downfall to their relationship was the choices Dan made, which was watching YouTube videos. Not that she minded, of course; she enjoyed watching Smosh as much as he did. But by falling into the pit of YouTube, Dan met the first person to ever make him question his sexuality: Phil Lester.
Funny enough, Dan and Sarah had so much in common that they both found Phil attractive (although Dan was less vocal about it). They would tune in to his new uploads and watch them together, even following him on all his other social media. However, the only difference was that Sarah was a casual fan while Dan literally dove right up Phil’s ass, if that was possible.
Dan would comment as soon as he uploads a video to guarantee that Phil noticed him, doing the same for the rest of his social media, while Sarah simply liked a tweet she found funny. Dan basically devoted more time impressing Phil than impressing his girlfriend, and Sarah noticed that way before Dan did. They broke up the second Dan brought up that he was meeting Phil in Manchester the following week.
Dan found it funny that technically, he's still in the same position he was seven years ago. Still the same fanboy obsessing over Amazingphil and still stuck in the abyss that is Youtube. Only this time, he's actually living with his idol and gets paid for being on Youtube. Others would think that Dan was living the dream, but he just felt like he wasn't doing anything serious in his life. But that wasn't exactly the most pressing issue he had at the moment. That was a crisis for next time.
Did he still like Phil? Dan didn’t have a concrete answer at the moment. Sure, his cringey obsessed fanboy phase died down somewhere around 2012 when people won’t shut up about it, but the admiration was still there. He’d still anticipate Phil’s posts, despite the fact that he’d talk about it to Dan beforehand.
Did he still like Sarah? Obviously not. But when he realized that she was the last person that Dan had ever gotten into a relationship with speaks volumes on how terrible his social life was. Seeing her live a stable life felt like being smacked with a brick. It’s like telling him that he didn’t do anything with his life at all. And did that stop Dan from viewing every single picture in her album? Definitely not.
Phil must’ve noticed Dan’s sour expression and asked, “Are you okay, Dan?”
Dan snapped out of his stupor and looked over to Phil, whose eyebrows were pulling closer by the second. Phil’s stern expression looked almost like how Dan’s mother looked, and it made him grow conscious of his current position, what he’d call his ‘browsing position’, so he sat up. His mother constantly scolded him about his posture, that he would have osteoporosis by the time he's thirty. She was right.
“I’m fine,” Dan chuckled, “just can’t read the small text in this thing, that’s all.” He gestured to the hypothetical text he couldn’t read to look convincing, but they lived with each other for so long, Phil obviously knew Dan was fibbing.
“If it helps, press command and the plus sign to make the text bigger,” Phil mumbled, returning his attention back to his own laptop. It was filled with dozens of stickers he picked up from random places, probably adding a whole gram to its weight. As a stark contrast, Dan’s laptop was super clean; he'd use some cleaning agent to get rid of the sweat and dust it accumulated the whole week.
“Thanks,” he said half-heartedly, but didn’t do it. He decided to give lurking a rest, and decided to go to Tumblr for his daily dose of memes. He's seriously going to procrastinate deleting his Facebook.
Dan leaped a foot up his seat when his laptop produced a loud notification sound that pierced through the quiet room. He looked for the source of the sound from the immense number of tabs opened in his window and found it in his Facebook tab. It was a message from Phil.
can you read your text now, grandpa??
Dan glared at him, but Phil was too busy with whatever he’s doing to even notice him. He typed up a response and slammed the enter key.
stfu... which one of us has a receding hairline?
“Rude,” Phil replied audibly, earning a chuckle from Dan. It was an unspoken fact that Facebook was for old people. No one probably used it as their main source of enjoyment anymore since their parents might be lurking around to see what they were up to, just like what Phil was doing, essentially. Having both Dan and Phil online on their personal Facebooks may prove they are approaching old age.
Thanks to Phil, Dan lingered back to Sarah’s wedding album and decided to click on her profile to see more of what she was up to. He scrolled through all her achievements, from job promotions to weight loss to pet adoption, and he actually felt proud of her. What ticked him off were all the posts of her and her fiance- now husband- and all the cute things they were doing together. Dan wanted to experience them too.
A notification disturbed his grumbling again, which led him to mute his laptop once and for all, and looked over to see that Phil sent him another message.
you’re obvs not trying to read small text… wats up?
Dan clicked on the message box and typed,
Facebook is making me hate people
A few moments later, Phil responded,
same... why tho?
Dan realized Phil was literally sitting a few feet away from him, so Dan decided to just talk out loud. He was too lazy to type. “Its making me realize that I’m not doing anything with my life.”
Phil sighed, giving Dan an apologetic look. He knew that look; Phil usually gave it to him when he was about to give Dan a really long preppy speech.
“Dan, it’s perfectly fine to fe—”
Dan chuckled, cutting him off and saying, “I meant my social life, Phil.” He corrected himself, “Or dating life, I guess. The last time I had a proper date with someone was when I was at uni.”
Phil raised his eyebrows condescendingly, and Dan wanted to chuck a pillow at him. It was pathetic enough that Dan’s last relationship was literally just forced by people from drama club. He obviously had himself to blame for cowering at the thought of leaving the house, but he also wanted to blame Phil for that too. He was the apparent downfall of Dan’s heterosexuality and the chance he had of meeting someone else.
“We can always set up a Tinder profile for you,” Phil suggested, as if it was that simple.
“Are you crazy, Phil?” Dan whispered, almost as if someone was listening to them right now. “What if a fan sees it?”
“Then you can go date a fan,” Phil mused, giggling to himself. When Dan shot Phil a glare, he pouted and said, “Well, guess not. I would suggest going outside and meeting people like it’s the dark ages, but you won’t be too keen on that.”
It was as if Phil was reading his thoughts. Dan sunk into his sofa crease and accepted his fate. Unless his parents married him off to some royalty from another kingdom, Dan would be left rotting in a flat making videos about all the rest of his other misfortunes.
“I have an idea!” Phil said suddenly, making Dan yelp. “Why don’t I take you out?”
Figuratively, Dan would’ve spat his drink.
“Erm,” Dan started slowly. He didn’t want to look at Phil in the eye yet. This might be one of Phil’s disturbing jokes where he’s trying not to laugh. “What?” When he looked at Phil, he was dead serious.
“Ya know,” Phil said as he shrugged, “I’m gonna take you to eat someplace nice.”
Dan rolled his eyes and said “Yeah, sure.” He wasn't having it with Phil's jokes.
But it made Dan wonder if Phil was seeing someone. He probably wasn’t, being that the only times he ever went out of the house was with Dan, running some errands, or making a lame attempt at jogging to stay healthy. It would be a far stretch to assume that Phil went on a date at some point and telling Dan that he did the latter two instead, after all, there weren’t any secrets between them.
Because between the two of them, Phil was more sociable and friendly. People would love to date him. It wouldn’t be a surprise to find out that Phil has actually been dating someone for three years under Dan’s nose.
They sat in silence for the remainder of the night, mumbling occasionally about something funny they saw on their Tumblrs. Phil was supposed to be editing a video right now, but Dan wasn’t one to scold him to do it; he procrastinates editing all the time too.
Dan retreated to bed a few hours later. It was already 2 AM and his eyes are difficult to keep open. He mumbled an incoherent ‘goodnight’ at Phil, who grunted softly in reply, and trudged to his room with his laptop tucked underneath his arm.
Dan would be a terrible boyfriend. He’d forget saying goodnight to his partner, probably even forget to text them for an entire week. He should include it in the hundred number of reasons why he didn’t have a lovelife.
Phil was usually the first person to wake up in the morning, despite the fact that they hated getting up early. Phil had to sacrifice his sleep in order to pee, then he couldn’t will himself to sleep after that. Usually Phil would prepare his breakfast and make some for Dan too, but the flat was dead quiet. There wasn't bustling sounds of spatulas scraping frying pans. Either Dan woke up too late or too early this morning.
When Dan unplugged his phone to check the time, it was nine AM. Too late then. He decided to just check his social media before starting the day, which meant checking his social media on his laptop instead of his phone. Just as he watched a vine in a low volume, the doorbell unexpectedly rang, and Dan’s heart pounded rather violently in his chest.
“Phil! Get the door!” Dan yelled, not wanting to separate himself from his toasty bed just yet, but the doorbell kept ringing. He kept calling Phil, but no avail. Was he out jogging? Dan assumed whoever was at the door was just delivery guy, but he usually gave up after buzzing three times. This one seemed persistent.
Begrudgingly, Dan stood up and put on the shirt he wore last night, heading to the front door.
“I’m coming!” he mumbled, ruffling his hair to make it a bit decent.
When Dan opened the door, it was just Phil. “Good morning!” he chirped, with a big smile on his face. He was all dressed up and had his left hand behind his back. Dan felt drained as he watched Phil being so energetic after he just woke up.
“Phil?” he sighed, “You locked yourself out again?” He walked back inside, considering getting cereal for breakfast. That is, if Phil didn’t finish it yet.
“No, actually. I'm here to pick you up on our date, remember?” Dan turned his back and Phil showed what he was holding from behind his back, which was a single red rose, and held it out for Dan.
He took a step back. “Wait, you were serious?” He thought he made it pretty clear he was being sarcastic when he said “yeah, sure”. Dan took the rose anyway and tossed it on their coffee table, as if it was radioactive.
“You weren't?” he asked, furrowing his eyebrows.
Dan tried to point out the obvious. “Phil, our fans. What if they see?”
He shrugged. “We can just say we're going as friends. We don't exactly have have to do all the lovey dovey stuff,” Phil replied, like it was no big deal. Dan thought he knew better than to underestimate their audience.
It was nice of Phil to try making him feel better about the whole dating thing, but Dan was completely over it. “Phil, you don’t have to push this. I’m fine”
Phil laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his neck. “But, I kind of made plans for today already.”
Dan pinched his brow and sighed. “How long did you stay up last night exactly?”
“Long enough to find the best place to have brunch in Central London.”
And to pick out a nice outfit, apparently. Phil picked a green plaid shirt, black jeans, and brown combat boots, all of which Dan never saw before in his life. Phil didn’t wear new clothes unless its for a meet and greet or a new video, but then again, did Phil ever do anything else besides that?
“We can just eat brunch here. Honestly, Phil, I don't care about the dating thing anymore,” Dan said, crossing his arms.
“But the place I found looked so cool, ” Phil whined, slumping his shoulders. “Besides, we aren’t doing anything else right now so we might as well go.” Phil did puppy eyes, just because he perfectly knew that Dan can never resist them.
“Fine,” Dan grumbled. “But let me take a shower first.”
“Okay,” Phil said meekly, placing his hands in his pockets and bouncing on the balls of his feet. It creeped Dan out.
“Phil, what the hell are you doing?”
Tilting his head to the side, he answered, “Waiting.” He reminded Dan of those creepy girls wearing vintage dresses and pigtails in horror movies. The ones that made him keep every single light on for the sake of keeping his sanity.
“Why aren’t you sitting down?” he sputtered.
Phil shifted his gaze between Dan and the sofa. “Well, I have manners. I won’t sit unless you let me.”
Dan glared at him and said, “Phil, you fucking live here.”
Phil leaned his head, looked to the left and to the right as if someone was listening to them, and whispered, “Pretend we just met today.”
Dan scoffed. He thought Phil was supposed to take him out… as Phil? Phil was always one to make up a bunch of personas whenever he had the opportunity. Dan found it so endearing, which is why he always went along with all of them anyway. “Okay, person I just met ,” he said, as if reading from a paper, “You may sit.”
His roommate scowled. “That’s the worst acting ever, Dan.”
Dan smiled coyly, and before turning to leave, he says, “I’m getting ready first, and I’ll be there in a minute. Do you want anything?”
Phil sat back on the couch and said, “A date with you would be amazing.”
Dan was taken back. Was Phil seriously this smooth? He laughed nervously and tried to counter him with the same tone, but failed. “Yeah, that… can be arranged.” Then he did the worst thing he could possibly do: finger guns.
He mentally slapped himself in the face. If this wasn’t Phil, then his date would make their way straight to the door and leave.
Dan took a quick shower that probably lasted two minutes. He went to dry his hair, not even bothering to straighten it like he used to. What took him so long was the time he spent to decide what clothes to wear. He was conscious about picking his clothes since Phil looked great.
Dan immediately scolded himself. This is just Phil, dammit. This wasn’t even a real date. This was just a “hey you’re lonely and I’m bored let’s go out” type of thing and nothing more. Phil is probably just taking him to a McDonalds and buy breakfast platters and go home. This is probably even nothing to him.
And yet, it took Dan about ten minutes to decide if he should use the moth shirt or one of the several black jumpers he owned. He checked the weather app for the billionth time to check that it was, in fact, sunny outside. Because if that’s the case, he will wear a thinner jacket.
He settled for a gray jumper, his usual black jeans, and the shoes he owns with lots of zippers on them. He checked himself on the mirror, fixing his curls to make sure they were all in the right place. He took his cologne, aggressively sprayed in front of him and stepped into its mist.
He quickly jogged back to the lounge, where Phil sat playing Crossy Roads. Dan didn’t blame him, Dan did take a long time to get ready: forty minutes to be exact. Dan cleared his throat and crossed his arms.
“Hey! You’re done,” Phil exclaimed as he turned to look at Dan, shoving his phone back in his pocket. He stood up and gestured to Dan. “Looking good, as always.”
Dan felt a tingle of heat spread on his cheeks, and he mentally pinched himself for it. He kept repeating “ It’s just Phil. It’s just Phil ” over and over in his head, but Phil's words continued to have an effect on him. Dammit. Dan tried to play it off by saying, “Let’s go. The city of London awaits.”
The weather app lied. It felt like there was a tornado outside.
Dan was relieved he didn’t waste his time straightening his hair at all, it would’ve been ruined anyway. The wind propelled everything that was lighter than a bottle of water off the ground, even Dan’s phone almost got carried away. He looked over at Phil, who was just as concerned for his hair as Dan, and giggled. Phil's fringe swooped up, revealing his massive forehead, and Dan was too conscious of his own hair to make fun of Phil’s.
They managed to make it to the tube station all in one piece. Phil led the way, brisk-walking to the train that just arrived by the platform with Dan running closely behind him. Although Dan was taller and had longer legs than Phil, Dan couldn’t walk just as fast as him. Probably because of all that jogging Phil was doing.
When they finally situated themselves on the seats closest to the doors, Dan let out a huge sigh of relief. He felt like he just ran in a marathon.
“Where are we even going?” Dan wheezed, still trying to catch his breath while surveying the scene. The trolley wasn’t very crowded anymore since people usually get off at the station before theirs, and looking all around, there didn’t seem to be people that would’ve been one of their followers.
Phil must’ve arrived to the same conclusion since he didn’t have to whisper when he said, “It’s a surprise! This would be really boring if you knew exactly what we’re doing.”
“Is that what you think?” he quipped, “You want dates to be a surprise for you?” Dan lowered his voice a bit just in case.
“Yeah,” Phil responded, smiling in thought. “I don’t really want to know where I’m going because I’m gonna make a bunch of scenarios and get my standards up, you know?”
He did have a point, especially since Dan usually over thought anything that may or may not happen to him. His scenarios were usually for the worst, however, to avoid exactly what Phil said. Dan envisioned everything that could possibly go wrong given a situation, so maybe he didn’t have to worry about raising his standards up. In fact, Dan would be surprised if things went well for him.
But regardless, he wanted to know exactly what will happen in a date. Dan told Phil that he wanted to be mentally prepared for whatever was coming for him. Phil laughed silently and shook his head, just as the train slowed to a stop and the doors opened.
“I promise I won’t take you anywhere you won’t like,” Phil reassured him over the sound of people hopping off and hopping on the train. They didn’t bother talking while people transitioned in and out of the car, too lazy to try to talk over the noise. They waited until the doors closed and the train slowly marched ahead.
“If it makes you feel any better, I can give you some hints.”
“Fire away.”
He held a finger up and pointed on it with his other hand. “Well, you already know, but as a refresher: we’re getting brunch, since I’m assuming that you’d probably still be asleep for the next five hours if I didn’t ring the doorbell.”
Dan scoffed. “Correction: I’d probably still be in bed for the next five hours if you didn’t ring the doorbell.”
Phil gave him a look and continued, counting a second finger, “ And then,” he paused for a moment, watching Dan’s face for any sort of speculation. Phil finally said,”We’re going home.”
Dan snickered and pushed Phil with his shoulder. He expected a long, well thought out plan. The good thing was, Phil wasn't taking Dan to McDonalds. He hoped.
They passed three other stops before Phil declared that the next one was going to be theirs. Phil patted Dan on the knee and stood up, leading the way out of the station. The wind wasn’t as bad as it was a while ago, but Dan still had to place his hands on his hair to avoid it turning into a huge bushy mess.
Phil looked back at Dan and smiled at him. “Just take a left here,” and mimicking the voice of their GPS, he added, “and in fifty meters, your destination will be on the left.”
Dan snorted, following Phil’s directions. Phil walked a little bit ahead of Dan to go by the door and to open it, gesturing for Dan to go inside. Dan softly thanked him and stepped into the restaurant, with Phil following suit.
“Wow, Phil, you did a really good job finding this place,” Dan said as they situated themselves in a booth by the wall, but not too far back in the restaurant in case someone saw them and drew speculations.
A waiter wearing a crisp black uniform appeared before them and handed them menus, asking if they wanted something to drink. Phil opted for lemonade while Dan chose hot coffee.
Dan was fairly impressed with the selection of food; he would try them all if he was able to. Some dishes were a bit unfamiliar to him, but it wasn’t something Google can’t help him with.
“Find anything you wanna order?“ Phil asked, peeking over from his menu.
“Still browsing,” he replied.
“I'm just having what you're having.”
Dan smirked. “That’s so lazy. So if i buy an entire cheese platter, would you eat it with me?”
“Maybe don't be a piece of shit,” Phil said, rolling his eyes.
Dan faked a gasp and placed his hands on his chest. “Phil! Language .” It earned him a laugh.
Their waiter arrived with their drinks and a set of cream and sugar. As he settled them on the table, he decided to take their orders. Dan ended up ordering white pasta instead of a cheese platter, so Phil did the same. Phil also decided to get potato bombs since they looked great in the picture. When the waiter left, Dan put half the cup of cream and two sugar cubes into his coffee, stirring it slowly.
“So, when was the first date you've ever had?” Phil asked, twirling his straw in the glass.
Dan thought about it and sighed at the memory, explaining, “The first and only date I ever had was forced by my friends at uni, so I won't really hold it to any standards.”
“I see,” Phil responded solemnly.
In attempt to lighten the mood, Dan said, “Which is why I need some protips from you.”
Phil smirked. “Don't you mean editing tips?”
“Don't say that thing ever again,” he deadpanned.
“Well, the last time I ever dated someone was 2009.” Dan, being Phil trash number one, remembered that. “So my most popular pickup line is that I have a youtube channel.”
“Really? And they're impressed with that?”
“Well 70,000 subscribers was probably bigger than the population of Manchester, so I guess they were! They'd even ask for a shout out from me, but there's just too many of them. I can’t fit them all in one video.”
“Oh, you poor famous man,” Dan cooed mockingly. “But that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid though, my dates knowing that I have a youtube account.”
“Your channel isn't exactly hush hush right now. Even if they aren't fans of you, they might’ve recognized you from somewhere.”
Dan sighed. “Exactly.”
“Oh, you poor famous man,” he imitated Dan.
“Shut up.” He kicked Phil’s legs from under the table. “What else do you have?”
Phil rubbed his chin with his index finger and thumb, as if he was thinking of something scholarly. But really, he was just thinking of dating tips. They were both pretty much rusty in that department since it has been so long after all. All of the good moves in 2009 were probably corny and bad in 2017.
Phil finally leaned forward, placing both elbows on the table, and said, “I would go and ask them about themselves.” He gestured towards Dan before placing his hands under his chin. “Then I would look at them like this.” Phil tilted his head to the side, hooded his eyes, and smiled.
Dan furrowed his eyebrows and cringed. “Yeah, did they all run away?”
It was Phil’s turn to kick Dan from under the table. He slumped back on his seat and said, “Shut up. They loved it.”
Dan snorted. “See how well that went for you.”
Before Phil could retort, the waiter came with a basket of bread and a bowl with about six servings of butter. It was both their favorite part of eating. Dan took the napkin on his plate and placed it on his lap, with Phil following suit. They each took a slice of bread and Phil jokingly stole the bowl of butter. Dan tried to steal it from his hands, but Phil placed it on his seat and stuck his tongue out at Dan.
As they ate, Dan had the urge to take his phone out, but he knew that was being rude. From all the countless articles he read about dating, despite the fact that never got to use any of them in real life, he knew that he should focus on his date and his date only. The most prominent dating tips those articles had to offer was that he shouldn’t take his phone out and that he shouldn’t talk about himself too much, which Dan honestly thought was common sense. But turns out not everyone thought it was.
“Have you posted your evil piano teacher video?” Phil asked as he grabbed a second slice of bread and returned the bowl of butter on the table. “I need to post the pastel video. People can’t wait.”
Dan shrugged. “I’m still debating about whether or not should I put a clip of me actually playing the piano somewhere.” He took two more slices of bread because he was sure that Phil would finish the entire basket without Dan realizing it.
Phil smiled, taking a huge bite off his bread. “You should! People will love it. I always hear you play, and you’re quite lovely.”
As usual, Dan tried to hide that he was flustered with humor as he said, “But I haven’t met you before! How did you know that I play the piano.” Phil bit his lip and smiled, which didn’t exactly help Dan’s case at all. “But thanks. I’ll try.”
As Phil finished the bread on his hands, he raised his eyebrows in realization. “Oh! You can put it in like a split screen, while you’re talking or something.”
Dan nodded his head slowly. “Sure, probably at the beginning or the end.” He dropped another sugar cube into his coffee and stirred it again. “I might need some help with it though. It’s been a long time since I last did split screen.”
Phil winked. “Don’t worry, I can give you those editing tips tonight if you want.”
“What did I tell you, Phil?” Dan said with an exasperated tone.
“Okay, Danny boy.”
They continued to talk about failed previous dates, not as if there was much to add anyway, and their appetizer came about five minutes later. Dan thought they looked, well, appetizing. Ten perfectly symmetrical balls were stacked on a plate with a little bowl of white sauce on the side. The balls had a dark brown color and they had red and green seasoning and a little bit of cheese sprinkled on top of them. Dan took his phone out to take a snapshot of it — he’s sure Phil wouldn’t mind.
Dan even handed his phone to Phil and requested, “Hey, can you take a picture of the potato balls? I wanna take a picture of it in all angles.”
Phil rolled his eyes and turned the plate 180 degrees around. “There’s your different angle.”
Dan scowled. “But it still looks different in your end! With all the lighting and shit.”
“Fine,” he huffed, holding out his hand to get the phone. He turned the plate back to its original position and took a few pictures at each side of the plate, before handing Dan’s phone back to him.
“Thanks,” he mumbled, skimming through the gallery to check if either one of them were visible in the photos.
If he or Phil decided to post the pictures, he didn’t want the other to be visible in them. He knew that their fans had really keen eyes. Dan remembered the time when he posted a picture of the sundae he bought with Phil for national ice cream day. The corner of Phil’s sleeve was visible on the edge of the picture, and people kept speculating about it. The comments were filled with people asking if it was a date.
Not that Dan minded this, of course. He was perfectly fine with people shipping him with his best friend, mostly because he agreed with them, but he wasn’t completely sure if Phil did as well. Dan could always answer those questions with sarcasm or a witty joke, but he was afraid that he would be see through, and not even Phil would be convinced.
Dan had to scroll through several comments to find a safe one to answer like “Was the ice cream good?” or “Happy national ice cream day!” From then on, he decided to just avoid possible hints that they are together, even if it won’t completely get rid of the speculation.
Dan realized he was holding on his phone for too long. Despite the number of notifications he had from his social media, he fought his urge by turning it off and shoving it back in his pocket. He felt the Cosmopolitan article called Top 10 Biggest First Date Turn-offs haunting him and reminding him how to be a good date, even if this wasn’t really a real one.
Phil apparently ate two potato balls already, so Dan popped two consecutive ones into his mouth, so they were even. He felt bad for using his phone for longer than he should’ve, so he asked:
“Hey, Phil? Was that… a turn off?” Dan had no idea what to call it, so he said the first thing that came to his mind. The confused look on Phil’s face made Dan realize how stupid his question was. He elaborated, “I mean like, using my phone on our… date?”
Phil shook his head and took another potato ball and dipped it into the white sauce. Dan completely forgot about it. “No, I don’t mind. I know you were just checking the pictures.”
“Well, what if I was someone else? Like, I don’t know, Sarah Michelle Gellar?”
Phil scoffed. “You know I wouldn’t mind anything if I’m dating either you or Sarah Michelle Gellar . ”
Dan scrunched his nose in frustration and said, “Well what if you were dating someone you don’t know?”
Phil thought for a moment before replying, “I mean, I guess I’d be a little irked if they used their phone too long.” Dan took a potato ball, this time with the dip, as Phil added, “But you know, I can’t imagine myself dating anyone else besides you or Sarah Michelle Gellar,” which prompted Dan to choke.
He kept coughing, and he couldn’t seem to stop. Phil was starting to get worried, so he pushed Dan’s glass of water towards him. Dan attempted to take a sip of water, which helped him a bit. Sarah Michelle Gellar has always been a “given” answer when people asked Phil “who would you take out on a date?” but it has never been Dan. He cleared his throat and gritted, “What is that supposed to mean?”
Phil opened his mouth to reply, but the waiter came with their food. He shrugged as the waiter dropped two identical dishes on their table. He asked if everything was in order before dashing off to the the table next to them to take their orders.
Phil cleared his throat before saying, “I don’t know, I guess it’s just because it’s Sarah Michelle Gellar . I’ve been thinking about dating her since I was seventeen.” He took his fork and twirled it into his pasta. Was that it?
“Also we’re here, right now, and it’s perfectly fine because, you know...” His voice trailed off and he took the pasta to his mouth, chewing slowly. He laughed and shook his head. “You’re my friend! It just feels kinda weird thinking about dating someone else when I haven’t been doing it for a long time.”
Dan felt his heart sink. With the steadiest voice he could muster, he said, “Oh. Well, that’s true.” He took his own fork and started digging into his pasta, only remembering that he had to take a picture when it was too late. He decided that he just won’t post anything anymore.
Dan wanted to slide lower into his seat and rot under the table for the next ten years. He kept telling himself stupid stupid stupid for thinking that Phil meant something else — that he actually liked dating Dan, and wanted to keep going. He can’t believe himself for even assuming.
But Dan still made the effort to act as if nothing happened. He suppressed his feelings for Phil since they first met because he hasn’t fully come to terms with his sexuality, but despite coming to terms with it now, didn’t make any difference. He was still the same old Dan inside out. Still the same weak piece of shit.
Dan dropped his fork onto the dish and wiped his mouth with his napkin. “I’m full,” he declared, taking a sip of his already cold coffee. Phil was a fast eater, so he was just about to take his final bite of pasta.
“Should I ask for the check?” Phil tried to say through his mouthful, but Dan understood, and he nodded. Phil tried to make eye contact with their waiter, waving his arms around whenever he looked at their general direction. It took Phil a few minutes to succeed.
The waiter dropped the bill on their table and took their plates, asking them if they enjoyed their meal. Both of them gave unenthusiastic responses, but the waiter didn’t seem to mind. As he left, Phil reached for his wallet, and took out his credit card. Dan followed suit.
“So, how are we gonna split this bill?” Dan asked as he fumbled for his credit card within his wallet full of random receipts and cards. He should really consider sorting it out.
Phil pushed Dan’s hands away and placed his own credit card on top of the bill. “No, I’m paying for the whole thing.” In a softer voice, he added, “This is a date, remember?” Dan decided it was best not to argue.
They took a taxi home since neither of them had the energy to do all the leg work, plus it was raining this time. They didn’t have an umbrella with them, which got them drenched as they hopped in and out of the taxi. Fuck London weather.
When they trudged through the second flight of stairs towards their flat, Phil said, “So, what did you think of our date? What was your favorite part? Would you recommend it to a friend?”
Dan said, through deep breaths, “The date was nice, I guess. Great location. Great food,” he added, in a lower voice, “Great you.”
“I’m glad you enjoyed it, because I did too.”
Dan was running out of breath, but it didn’t stop him from making a sarcastic comment. “I’m glad you did, Dora. My favorite part was when we went to the huge ass piñata.” Phil just giggled.
When they finally approached the door to their flat, Dan leaned on the wall as he fumbled for the keys in his pockets. He lazily unlocked the door, tossing the keys onto the coffee table as soon as he went in. He looked back, realizing that Phil remained outside the door. Dan knew better than to ask why wasn’t he coming in.
“What? No goodbye kiss?” Phil asked, leaning against the doorframe and pouting.
Dan rolled his eyes. He wasn’t exactly in the mood for pretending again. “If you don’t come in, I’m literally slamming the door at your face.” He walked back and held onto the doorknob, taunting Phil that he was gonna do it any second now. There was no way Phil was serious about kissing him.
“Come on, Dan. You gotta experience all the first date basics.”
Furrowing his eyebrows, Dan asked, “Is it completely necessary to kiss on the first date?”
Phil shrugged. “It’s how you know if a second date is on the table.”
“You’ll know it if the date went well,” Dan argued.
“Well, if Sarah Michelle Gellar was terrible snogger, which is highly unlikely, I won't go for a second date.”
Dan thought about it for a few seconds before he released a forced sigh. “Fine. You’re the expert, after all,” Dan said casually, even if in reality, his blood was running cold inside him. He willed his feet to take a step closer towards Phil, and stared at him straight in the eye.
Phil was the first to lean in. He didn’t have to crane his neck upwards; Dan’s posture was so bad that they had the same height. As their lips met, Dan’s heart pounded against his chest — he was afraid that Phil could feel it too. His brain short circuited that he was basically just as useful as a pile of mush. The only thoughts that ran in his head was how soft Phil’s lips were, and how fantastic he was at snogging. If this was the real thing, Dan would be begging for a second date.
Dan broke away first, gasping for air and keeping his eyes shut while he tried to regain his bearings. When he did open his eyes, he saw Phil watching him with a dark look in his eyes. The silence was unbearable; the only sound heard was of the radiator humming softly in the background. Dan could hear his own blood roaring in his ears.
“Phil,” Dan croaked, losing his voice as his eyes lingered down to Phil’s faintly pink lips.
Phil huffed and pushed Dan further into the flat to let himself in, slamming the door behind him. He grabbed Dan by the back of his neck and pulled him in for a bruising kiss, and it felt so much more mind-blowing than the previous one . Dan felt himself being pushed backwards until his back hit the wall, which benefitted Dan a lot because his legs were probably about to give out as Phil nibbled roughly at Dan’s lower lip. Dan laid his palms flat on the wall as he tried to fight the urge to thrust his hips upward, but Phil’s ministrations were playing with his hormones. He felt like a teenage boy again.
Dan whined embarrassingly as Phil broke away. He took a full step back and smiled cockily at Dan, running his thumb over Dan’s lip. “That’s how you kiss on a first date.”
Dan groaned, slumping on the wall and covered his face with his hands. He babbled incoherently, “ Wha ? First date? That?”
“The first one was,” Phil answered nonchalantly.
Dan dropped his hands to his sides and lowered his gaze to Phil’s feet, licking his lips slowly. “And?”
“The second was just to, you know, get your attention.” It was barely a whisper, but Dan heard it perfectly clear. Shit.
Dan raised his eyebrows, keeping his eyes glued to the ground, and said, “Well, you succeeded there, buddy.” He was surprised that he managed to say a full sentence.
He heard Phil sigh. “I love you, Dan. I just don’t really know how to say it to you straight.”
Dan laughed nervously, thinking that he’s just hallucinating or Phil was probably joking. “T-tell it to me… gay then,” he spluttered, earning a laugh from Phil.
Dan regretted saying that, so naturally, he decided to cover his mistake up by talking more nonsense. “You I know what? All this talk and shit is making me hungry. Are you hungry? We’re hungry. Leggo.” He headed for the lounge, feeling Phil trail silently behind him, and paced back and forth. He scolded himself for suggesting this. They literally just ate twenty minutes ago. “D’you want anything to eat in particular?”
Phil looked at him from head to toe and answered, “You?”
Dan groaned as he blushed. If Phil was trying to fluster him, he was doing an exceptional job. He wasn’t even trying to be subtle about it.
“Pizza!” Dan exclaimed, grabbing his laptop and sitting on his sofa crease. “Let’s do Pizza Hut.” He fumbled as he typed the website. “Any toppings you want in particular?”
Phil sat on the other end of the sofa and patted his legs. “I want you on top of me. Is that available?”
“Stop that!” Dan yelped.
“Stop what?” Phil asked with a giggle.
“Stop flirting with me.”
“If you stop being adorable, I might.” Phil slowly scooted closer towards Dan and closed his laptop, taking it from his lap and placing it on the table. He moved a bit more until their legs touched. Dan tried his best not to look at him, but he could feel Phil stare at him.
“Phil,” he whined, covering his face once more. He can’t believe this was happening. Phil Lester. Flirting with him. The thought felt even more surreal when Phil started trailing kisses down Dan’s neck.
Phil leaned back a bit and met Dan’s eyes, asking worriedly, “Do you like me, Dan?”
He couldn’t conjure the voice to answer so he just nodded his head. It was a good thing Phil was more confident to do all the talking, otherwise they’d just be staring at each other the whole time. Phil’s features softened and he gave Dan an earnest smile, one that could make anyone melt. Dan was glad he’s the only person that could see this right now. He gravitated closer towards Phil and met his lips for a passionate kiss. At this point, Dan became obsessed with kissing him that he just kept wanting more.
When they pulled away, Phil said, “Did you know that you burn two calories for kissing per minute?
“Okay?” Dan responded slowly.
“Well, you can burn a hundred calories from sex. I just want to be more productive.”
After a desperate struggle with Southern Rail over cancelled trains and the speediest speed walk down the banks of the River Thames ever, I made it to the Harold Pinter Theatre in time see Robert Icke’s production of Shakespeare’s infamous revenge tragedy, ‘Hamlet’.
The eponymous ‘Hamlet’ in this production, as with any other, is a Prince, heir to the throne of Denmark, who, not long having lost his father, has to watch his mother marry with his uncle, Claudius. Suffering with suicidal depression, the prince is in the depths of despair to discover, by his father’s ghost, that Claudius had committed murder in order to gain the crown. Hamlet swears to “remember” him and sets out on a rather procrastinated revenge mission. He assumes madness to allow himself to investigate his uncle’s culpability without arousing suspicion. The act typically leads the character into true megalomania; this take, however, explores the complex nature of our mentality and questions whether Hamlet’s behaviour is founded on a deeper fragility, leading upcoming Sherlock-star, Andrew Scott, to portray the Prince, not as outrightly “mad” but instead, mentally ill. - A necessity, I feel, when placing the narrative in a 21st Century context.
Icke’s production was evidently influenced by one of his previous projects in which he staged Orwell’s 1984. The theme of constant supervision is prevalent within this modern adaption of ‘Hamlet’. Hamlet’s paranoia is often attributed solely to his madness, “his wits disease”, but Icke’s introduction of technological espionage, in the form of hidden microphones and extensive video surveillance, allows the character’s otherwise unfounded schizophrenic behaviour to become rooted in something quite real. The decision was refreshing and was uniquely sympathetic to the Danish Prince.
The theme of surveillance was accentuated further in the utilisation of a live feed camera. In the picture below, the cast were sat with us in the audience.
A camera followed them as they entered the auditorium, projecting their every reaction to multiple screens around the space. This coupled with the pre-prepared BBC-style news footage shown at various intervals gave a verisimilitude to the situation and promoted a strong sense of entrapment, making the castle of Elsinore, and Denmark, seem very much like the “prison” of which Hamlet speaks.
The set, in it’s three distinct levels of division, exemplifies the sensation of always being watched whilst also effectuating the confines of Hamlet’s situation. Hildegard Bechtler’s stark, geometric design offers a visual interpretation of the Prince’s mind-set. It portrays well the emptiness experienced by the youth of the court following the loss of a parental figure; the greys, blues and off-whites evoking the isolating insensitivity we feel when we are confronted with death. The quasi-clinical approach to Castle’s decor offers us to consider how Royalty has come to resemble the Institution, whilst the archaic winding passages viewed on the large, central screens depict the maze within Hamlet’s inner mind.
The lighting, whilst I feel did not always convey severity or intensity of a situation, particularly in the speeches, it was, more often than not, empathetic to the characters’ moods. However, the incorporation of the House lights into the design (to change our mood and attentions) was an old-trick I sorely miss and was glad to experience once more.
Music in this production was almost perpetual. I think this was a mistake. Bob Dylan seemed to take centre stage in this production and, for me, the jovial key of each song broke the atmosphere the actors had spent 20 minutes trying to claw out of a scene. The music worked fine at the beginning, helping in creating a golden aura in which Angus Wright and Juliet Stevenson danced convincingly in love together as the newly married King and Queen. But as the piece progressed and the mood shifted, the music did not shift with it and it severed the ties the piece, making it unclear how we’re supposed to feel towards this story. - Anything thing at all? I might ask.
So, how were the actors? On this rare occasion, it was the actors who let this production down for me. Had I been judging this piece solely on the actors’ performances, I could just about unwittingly award two stars.
The piece started strong. It was fast, intense, allusive; we definitely got the impression that something “rotten”, dark, was going on in the state of Denmark. I knew from the first two minutes, we were in for an absolute crystalline treasure of a production. However, the moment scene two begun the pace seemed lag; everyone was operating at a different rhythm. By the time Andrew Scott took a purposeful step forward to begin his first soliloquy, only to fluff his lines, the driving beat at which the play had been leaping forward completely dissipated and stayed in an uneven see-saw motion until the company finally managed to pick it up three-hours later in the final act. What is most prominent in my mind, however, is the tribulation Peter Wight inflicted on his company members. The actor playing Polonius appeared to not pick up his cue, twice, during in the course of the show, staring, transfixed at a random point on the floor, for far longer than was comfortable. It went from a pause to a comedic silence to an awkward silence, going on and on until Wight had sat there for so long the actor opposite him had become fidgety. I began to seriously worry he’d had a stoke or something. This happened again later on in the following act, though this time he did not jolt back into place and so the Stage Manager had to walk on and call a premature interval. If this was an intentional direction of Icke’s it certainly didn’t look that way and certainly didn’t work.
I’m not unsympathetic, I have been the performer, I know what it’s like in these situations and it was evident enough that this was a bad show for them. Whenever they tried to get the piece off of it’s knees, something else went wrong, such as a curtain falling down, and they ended up knocking the play to the floor rather than getting on it’s feet. I condemn because they let their blunders hinder the running of the show. Being a writer/director, I am sensitive to atmosphere and pace, but even my companion, unfamiliar with theatre and Shakespeare commented that it everything felt “off piste”.
Icke has criticised how actors these days have “poisoned” Shakespeare by over-acting, something I agree with though do not often sees at the higher tiers of the profession. Despite this comment, Icke’s production felt decidedly staged; it was as if the company had not come to agreement of whether or not they were acknowledging the audience, creating uncomplimentary rivalry between the cast and Hamlet.
This indecision I noticed in most keenly in Andrew Scott’s performance. It seems under-acting also poisons Shakespeare. The jewels of Shakespeare’s masterpiece, the intensely philosophical soliloquies, when normally drawing me avidly in left me shaking me head in frustration, and, at times, switched off to such a degree I took up looking at the faces of the audience instead. There was little, to no, variation in tone or intonation and it was a relief when the star began putting some life back into his words. The pauses, whilst sometimes portrayed Hamlet’s vast superior intelligence, mostly left me wanting to screech in agony as their grandeur and beauty evaporated into absent minded chatter. Perhaps the modern setting, or current level of existential inquest, in which the words were being spoken was part to blame for the loss of soaring intellect, but there is no denying, something was distinctly wrong with Andrew Scott’s interpretation.
What drew me into seeing this adaption was the opportunity to see Scott playing with Theatre’s most intensely mad, passionate character. We all know the actor, from his time opposite Benedict Cumberbatch playing James Moriarty in hit TV-Drama Sherlock, is astoundingly good at playing psychotic intelligence. (He got a BAFTA for it, for Christ sake!) But I was disappointed to find that he did not experiment with the character that much at all, it fact, it felt rather un-revolutionary; almost careless. I commend Scott for wanting to approach Hamlet’s “madness” as mental illness. It is element I have wanted to see realised for a very long time but unfortunately what “affliction” of the Prince’s the Irish actor was primarily portraying was uncertain and consequently the portrayal of any sort of illness was lost all together and he, for the most part, came off plainly mad. There seemed to be reactions signifying a PTSD, other quirks suggested an acute situational anxiety; all the while the significant emotions attached to the play, such as depression and betrayal appeared almost non-existent. There were moments, particularly when the character was in the company of Ophelia, and then later on in the Closet Scene, when Scott played the character’s anguish superbly. He captured the raw, almost child-like need Hamlet has for his father in a way I have seen no-one do yet. Disappointingly these attentive, intricate moments were few and far between.
Jessica Brown Findlay and Luke Thompson, as Ophelia and Laertes, on the other hand did a thoroughly excellent job at isolating their characters’ distress. I found it thoroughly engaging that both brother and sister, manifested the same inclination towards self-harm when dealing with intense grief, hitting themselves over and over in a moment of almost physical Tourette’s. For the first time over the course of the whole show I was able to ask questions outside of the play: What had their childhood been like? Did they suffer a trauma together previously?
Whilst the principals, most notable, Angus Wright’s Claudius, seemed wholly unmotivated in their intentions, it was the secondary characters that gave the most convincing performances of the cast. The ever present security guards appeared more genuinely concerned for the Young Prince’s mentality than his mother, Gertrude. The fierce Juliet Stevenson appeared to look wholly deflated by the production when playing the Queen of Denmark. Joshua Higgott, attentively embodying friend Horatio, contrastingly managed to look fully engaged within the poorly upheld world. The Player King and Queen, as played by David Rintoul and Marty Cruickshank, were wonderfully caring and expressive characters and I am glad to say that Madeline Appiah as Guildenstern, and Calum Findlay as Rosencrantz, were some of the most three-dimensional characters present, meaning that the poor, fated characters were not mere plot devices.
Overall, the production was distinctly unique when compared against the past decade’s interpretations. It was refreshingly fast paced for a nigh-on four hour show but was it inconsistent. The show lacked a drive and passion which, in the end, left it feeling lifeless and looking dull. Scott’s performance, whilst littered with moment of comedic genius that made me laugh out loud, was largely unbelievable, mostly in the fact that he himself did not seem to believe in the situation his character was in. Potentially, he was overwhelmed by all there was to covey of the character. Had I been sitting on the stage, I might have seen some more intricacy in his work, the actor being more accustom to playing to a camera.
Andrew Scott is a stunningly intense, intelligent actor, touching upon the sweetness of the “sweet prince” but, unfortunately, this time, he seemed to miss the mark.
