I keep on thinking about the “You left me” scene…
As painful as it is (and NOT one of Rowan & Aelin’s finer or healthiest moments; probably one of if not my LEAST favorite for them) there is something so guttural, telling, & crucial beneath the surface. … Especially the more I analyze many aspects of this VERY layered scene…
Now this may be my own abandonment issues talking😅but as someone that knows I see this argument (as drastically different as they sound) as two sides of the same coin (as Rowaelin often/always is) both sides rooted in abandonment issues & a consequential fear of love/the loss of it; hence ending up in one of two responses (even in a situation as seemingly ‘simple’ as this; triggering) either: clinging to someone with everything you have, begging, fighting, desperately trying to stop it from happening again. Or being the one to leave so you are not the one left saying “I didn’t care anyway” so you don’t have to feel like you lost anything to begin with.
… Sound familiar? It’s what’s happening here.
Unfortunately, this is one of the moments where these two are too much alike; it’s triggering them both (two people who can go from 0-180 & when it comes to flight or fight triggers are very prone to fight) they are arguing with themselves & their own fear/self-loathing more than each-other (thus hitting exactly where it hurts; because they are hurting themselves; for Rowan it’s punishment through self-sabotage, for Aelin it’s proving she’s unworthy of anyone’s care even someone who could be cruel to her) while also simultaneously using it as a form of ‘self-protection’ (they are trying not to care (further mad at themselves for already caring) & terrified for the other because every person they love has left; loving them feels like a death sentence & they have to protect the other by making themselves unlovable; before they get hurt again).
For Aelin, it’s a last resort; fear is a crucial part of her mindset, (upbringing), & survival. She lives in fight or flight, fawn or freeze, (leaning towards the natural inclination of the first latters) this is her fighting, desperately clawing (like a wounded animal), & on her last leg; because if he cannot choose her, cannot stay, will not; if as she describes, “She didn't know why it happened, because she had been so dead set on hating him, but... it would have been nice, she supposed. It would have been nice to have one person who knew the absolute truth about her--and didn't hate her for it. It would have been really, really nice.” If he who knows her unlike anyone ever has or could (from best to worst) has seen it all and found nothing there worthwhile then how can she possibly argue that with herself/anyone? Right then, you see how little she cares for herself (how she stays even when it’s hurting her because she doesn’t know anything else (how would she?) & because she believes every word of it (he doesn’t realize until later just how much she meant every word; because he didn’t, not fully at least, not in the same way she did). She feels that she has “nowhere else to go” because as she said “I have no one left. No one.”) you see how desperate she is for an end to the same trapping heartbreak that keeps repeating again & again. & If she loses him than there is truly nothing left. She is drowning, and this is all of it catching up to her at once — she’s screaming at him as much as everyone she’s ever lost — she’s pleading with Sam to let her look out for him, screaming at Chaol to let her in to trust her (& be worthy of his trust) so she could’ve saved Nehemia; an extremely raw wound (as shown in the broken echoing words she finally gives voice to in the next chapter), screaming at Nehemia for choosing to leave her, at Arobynn for betraying her (even if she can’t admit it yet, unleashing one begins unleashing them all) screaming at the very universe itself (the world that already broke every ‘natural’ promise; stolen all the ones she wasn’t ‘supposed’ to lose) screaming for her parents, her Aedion, her kingdom, herself. — At herself for not being able to save them, to stop it, to be fast enough- -to be enough. And begging for it, for anyone- -anything not to take this too because this is a final breaking for her.
& For Rowan, this feels like a loaded gun. It's his connection to her (despite his trying & denying it; he realizes it had already become a relationship & not just to him but to her) it’s him screaming “You are nothing to me, and I do not care.” to try and make it true because after centuries of not caring about anything or anyone (of feeling only ice), of not having anyone care (or need him for that matter; he’s realizing for better or worse she does)… Here it is (someone who cares & someone who needs him; someone who he cannot turn away because she can bear all of his ice & still understand him; he hates her for it, he hates himself for it “There is nothing that I can give to you. Nothing I want to give to you.”)… Here she is… Begging him to stay (just like Lyria), wanting him to stay (something he does not feel he deserves — “Aelin, you deserve better than this-than me.” — & is trying to prove to her as protection & punishment; to be the monster), caring enough about him to want him to stay in the first place (something he truly thinks they are better off without; he's reminding himself as much as warning her when he says, “The people you love are just weapons that will be used against you”— another key word will —he believes it all is already inevitably doomed. So, while she is desperately giving a last try, he has already given up on trying.) He is a wild animal trapped into a corner; if she cares—if he cares; because it will end (she will leave; because she is capable & will learn & be back on her way, gone again while he will still be stuck with Maeve the same as before (he twists it to sound different but the meaning is the same when he says, “the sooner I can be rid of you”.); or worse she may very well get herself killed (the way she’s going) the way he knows why, (why do you think he spends so much time trying to get her to fight for her own life?- -To scare her, provoke her, anger her- -anything to shake her from her stupor… he says as much later on “You're learning.” “You get baited by me every now and then, too, you know.” He gave her a look that said, I let you bait me, in case you haven't noticed."… anything to make her make it out alive) & he has not helped that either because he can’t help himself. So, either way, he feels stuck in the same mistake again & again; is he failing her the same as he did Lyria? Is he failing Lyria by repeating it (worse; is he betraying Lyria in the fact he may care for someone else?) — if he is, how does he survive that?). … He has been trying to tell himself 'she's just another soldier', yet, here he is again raw with Gavriel tattooing even more names of grief (because 'just a soldier' doesn't make it hurt less). & She is not just another soldier; he (an ‘all-knowing-immortal’) was wrong; he is missing something about her (this “girl” doesn’t add up; this fight doesn’t add up) & He is feeling the weight of every mistake; even as he makes another one; to hurt her now thinking; it’s better than getting her killed, (it’s better than him caring & losing her) It’s what he ‘deserves’ (he hates himself for it, even as he breaks her heart; it’s why he says, “and for a heartbeat he hoped she’d left, if only so he didn’t have to face what he’d said yesterday.” because he knew he was wrong & he hated himself for it; he does it to punish himself as much as to protect himself & her). It's his last attempt at pushing her away (and ultimately the one that makes him realize he cannot).
It's not an excuse, but it is a reason. One that makes sense the more I read, re-read, & continue the series. This fight is in some ways their first real fight; because they are both vulnerable because this is more than a biting surface (because they have always been more than that). And it forces them to realize & reconcile; to go to their true worst until there is nothing left but to piece together something else.
For two people so fearful & without option they needed to hit the rock bottom together; to have no doubt that they were chosen at their true worst; to learn almost losing the other did not leave them better off; & know that they cannot turn away, & will not because if it would have happened, it would have been then (& there is no more point in being afraid anymore; it is too late to take back what’s been forged; “Something molten rushed through her, pouring over every crack and fracture still left gaping and open. Not to hurt or mar--but to weld.”)… Without it Rowan would never have checked himself, he would have trained her on nothing more than begrudging orders of Maeve, & he would never have cared to ask or learn more… She would have either bet everything on him & thrown herself into another relationship to outrun everything else, & end up broken again because she cannot learn to sit with (nor accept) herself. She was forced to pick life or endless nothing, to stop freezing or fawning or running, to care & fight for it; & find something more worth fighting for (to accept her anger & also learn to be more than just angry) To let it out & let go; to stop drowning on the words that have been suffocating her for months; to stop being afraid to say them. … And while they cannot quite say all those words; I’m sorry, I care about you… They can know they won’t say the other again… They are not expected to be more than they can give. There is finally an understanding (the start of a friendship… & maybe ‘more than’ friends) because they stop running from it & instead run in headfirst. … Through the most dividing thing they are finally not alone. The final stand stands. There is no more fight against each-other. It cannot get worse, they can survive it, and now they are really what they are.
