#random vent post

[softkilldoll]

being shunned by ur religious family is so funny because there’s never really a moment where they tell u that ur being shunned u just kinda sit there one day and realize it as a fun surprise

[jerk-bitch-idjit-assbutt]

I swear to god, if this bitch of a man that my sister is dating pisses me off ONE MORE TIME

[just-two-blokes]

TW: Alcohol

Can we please normalize not drinking alcohol because you actually don't enjoy drinking without having to explain yourself every time or being asked if you have certain health issues just because you don't drink?

I am a young adult and I don't drink. All of my friends do. I don't.

There are multiple reasons to why I don't drink.

First of all, my body does not tolerate a lot of alcohol. Really, it takes one beer and I already feel dizzy, tired and overall not well.

Second, I don't like the taste of alcoholic drinks - or at least of the few I've tried so far. Yes, they are often sweet but I always smell the alcohol in it which I just genuinely don't like. I'd rather just drink water or a sweet beverage instead of drinking an alcoholic drink just for the sake of it.

Third, I'm not the person for partying. Really.. if you let me choose between an evening alone in my bed and a great book or an evening with friends in a bar partying.. I would proably always choose the first option. Feel free to say I'm boring. Maybe I am. But believe me.. it makes me much happier than to drink alcohol in a bar with friends and then potentially spending much more of my evening there than I'd like to. And being the only person at the party who doesn't drink is also not the funniest thing.

And fourth.. due to my heart condition, I am advised to not drink too much alcohol or even not drink any alcohol at all.

And this is the reason I often bring up when people ask me why I don't drink. Because that's the reason people are willing to tolerate. Because this sounds more reasonable than 'I'd like to keep control over myself' or 'I don't enjoy drinking alcohol'.

And I honestly think that's very sad. Because if I can tolerate other people drinking and then having to help them get home because they are too drunk to remember what train station they have to get out then they should be able to tolerate me not wanting to experience something like this.

[theorangedead]

How is it that nothing makes me feel less heard than getting advice-

Especially when someone interrupts you to give you advice 

[stuffedbellpeppers]

(slight sh warning cuz I'm me)

Genuinely one of those nights where I sit and just hate myself.

I can't be a good friend nor partner right now, can't even be a good sibling for the most part.

I cleaned my room finally, but I don't feel any different.

Less cluttered maybe, but my thoughts won't change.

I wanna be better, I'm trying so fucking hard. But no matter what I've changed, I still feel the same.

I relapsed again today, not much. Not even that deep either, I feel like I deserve this.

I deserve to feel this way, constantly paranoid, feeling the urge to cut, feeling like the walls are always closing in on me.

Yet with all of this, I feel strangely numb. Like nothing even matters.

It makes me wonder if this is just it, y'know?

Gonna be 19 soon, but I also wonder if I'll even make it to my birthday.

Because at the rate I'm going, my future isn't looking bright at all.

I'm only staying for her. Thinking about her gets me through it all, even when we're too busy to shoot each other a text.

I wanna stay to learn the good and the "bad" things about her, I want her to know she's loved. And will always be loved especially by me even if anything happens.

She means the world to me.

But sometimes the worst thoughts get too loud, and I tend to forget what I have. And I lose my fucking mind.

Month long spirals will really fuck with you huh

[stuffedbellpeppers]

Trigger warning: S#icidal thoughts, SH, s#icide attempts, self doubt, just a huge rant because I have nobody to really speak to (most likely deleting this later)

I know nobody wants to talk to me anymore, I can feel it, am I gonna say anything? Nah, don't feel like it.

What I am gonna do is continue spiraling until I make myself hate everyone around me, all the way to a point where I ghost.

Why do I do this? I dunno. I never really understood it myself.

Do I think anyone's gonna give a shit? Not really, I'm not that important.

I'm tired of talking, about my emotions, feelings, what's "wrong" with me. No amount of reassurance is gonna make me feel like anybody likes having me around. Cuz I don't even like being around myself.

If I ever disappear on you without a trace, it's not something you did. It's always me, it's always because I got too in my head and didn't have the proper help for it.

Asking for help has never worked, telling people the truth hasn't worked either.

It gets to a point where I don't even care who I push away, and who gets hurt in the process. I spent years worrying about those around me, and never myself. This is the impact it had.

Sometimes I wish that attempt had worked.

I wish I wasn't still here, having to deal with being alone every night. Staring at the ceiling, almost rotting away completely.

Every time I try to get help, I'm told "my emotions are valid". That's not the response I need, I need you to understand something is severely wrong with me. I can never explain it, all I know is that it hurts.

I'm hurting. Bad. I need someone and I don't know who.

I feel as if I'm losing myself bit by bit and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

I feel as if nobody around me truly gives a shit about me.

As if maybe if I had died that night, everyone would move on. Forget.

Because honestly, I was never that memorable.

Truly, since middle school I've wanted to kill myself.

I would self harm regularly, not to a scarring point. But I'm pretty sure I have brain damage from the way I would constantly hit my head on walls during breakdowns.

I'd scratch the shit out of myself till my arms burned.

But for a long time, I didn't go past that. Didn't cut.

I don't remember why I reached my breaking point.

I just remember finding the broken glass in the kitchen, and going through with it.

Spent the whole night feeling almost satisfied in a way, even though the stinging made me cry.

Showers hurt the most.

If I wasn't gentle enough, the scab would tear, making it deeper. Making me bleed more.

Making me want more.

So I kept going.

A couple a day, or more.

Every minor thing that upset me, cut.

Every time I spiraled, another one.

Constant cycle of bullshit.

Until eventually I couldn't do it anymore, and just let them heal.

For a while, I felt better about myself. Bold enough to wear short sleeves again.

My mom suddenly found them one day, on a hike.

And needless to say, it was the night I relapsed.

And almost took my life.

My only support system was acting like she hated me suddenly. I had nobody.

I think about that time often, how shitty I felt. How it was never fixed.

How much it's only affecting me now.

Truly, I don't believe I'm going to get better.

I feel like I'm only going to get worse.

And I'm okay with it. Because I deserve it.

[itsyaboyeric]

Person I met when I was around 10/11 died in December 2024 and it still feels surreal. we weren't close at all but I did see them in 2022 and that was the last time I ever saw them. I don't know how to feel about that and the people who were in my life/introduced me to them are just straight up gone now. I think they're in the Midwest somewhere? Ohio or something? Idk. I'm estranged from them unfortunately. I wish I could talk to them about it.

[softkilldoll]

guys really out here showing you their heart then expecting you to sit and watch them try to kill it