Kerwin Congratulates Lambda Chi on Ending Rape Culture by Smashing Watermelons
WASHINGTON, DC—Last semester, the issue of rape culture spread across American University’s campus after leaked conversations between EI members surfaced. However, Lambda Chi successfully brought an end to the engrained rape culture here at AU. “I could not be prouder of these young men,” said President Neil Kerwin. “After the EI leak, I was afraid of making appearances at frat parties. I’m happy Lambda Chi made this possible for me once again. I have been needing to get turnt up for quite some time.”
An unnamed source in the Lamba Chi fraternity was thrilled that they ended the objectification of women. “The dumb chicks couldn’t end rape culture on their own. It took a group of men to do it for them.” The unnamed source said the idea of smashing watermelons came after an “intense” round of beer pong where they had pounded back “at least one hundred Natty Lights.”
Student and feminist leader Rachel Nowak expressed delight that women could finally feel safe within the community. “As I saw each watermelon being wrecked, I felt the patriarchy being smashed,” said Nowak Lambda Chi attributed their genius idea to the fraternity’s deep traditions since its founding in 2012. The fraternity also extended an invitation to all women on campus to their next “rager.” “Why take back the night when you could be getting fucked up with us,” said the unnamed source.
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