The Beagle

[thebeagleonline]

Losing Candidate Petitions SG for Superdelegates

After losing his seat in the recent student government election, and failing to procure even 15% of the vote, Dylan Watkins is fed up. According to Watkins, who is a junior studying political science, the current political system is rigged against establishment candidates who have a history of corruption. School-wide scandal erupted last month after Watkins was caught laundering SG funds into his re-election campaign. He reportedly used the money to sponsor posts on Facebook and take potential constituents out to the club.

When asked for comment, Watkins responded, “So I took bribes a few times and borrowed some funds allocated for SG to throw at strippers at the burlesque club. That shouldn’t make me any less electable!”

To fix this injustice, Watkins proposes restructuring Student Government elections to include superdelegates. The general student body will vote, but their votes will not be considered and instead undermined by peers more fit to have political opinions.

“These fucking wonks aren’t capable of making the correct political decisions. Students studying political science should be superdelegates and speak for the masses. They can vote in the name of their peers without actually considering anyone’s opinions. That’s a democracy!” screeched Watkins.

Despite losing in a landslide, Watkins managed to secure the votes of all acting members of Student Government. They too are fierce proponents of democracy and decency – which is why they’re expected to overwhelmingly approve the superdelegate referendum.

The Beagle would finally like to remind readers of Watkins’ campaign slogan: “Your vote matters.”

[thebeagleonline]

Student Blames Failing Grade in College Writing on Patriarchy

After engaging in a series of elaborate mental gymnastics stunts, junior Emily Davidson managed to identify “The Patriarchy” as the sole reason for her F in college writing. Despite failing to complete a single homework assignment, Davidson did spend a considerable amount of time on the social media website, Tumblr. This is where she first encountered the term “Patriarchy.” 

Through extending her news consumption further to Buzzfeed.com, Davidson encountered heated discussions about the current wage gap between men and women and discovered that this was a result of a patriarchal society. She immediately felt as if her life was a stream of constant injustice spit out of a patriarchal faucet into a cesspool of inequality. 

The Beagle approached sophomore Danielle Jefferson, one of Davidson’s close friends, to get a better sense of Davidson’s interpretation of the word ruining her life. 

“She just needs to do her fucking homework” said Jefferson. “I mean, yea, obviously there are a myriad of ways that women are systematically disadvantaged, but I don’t understand how homework could possibly be a patriarchal institution. The essay she skipped was on inequality for Christ’s sake!” 

When asked if he wanted to weigh in, professor Adam Michaels said, “I begged her to hand in a single assignment. I even said she could give me rant about why she’s disadvantaged as a middle class white liberal, which she cites as the cause for all the blank spaces on her resume. But she said engaging with me hurts her ‘radical feminist image’ on social media. I hear she makes a lot of Facebook posts, but never actually contributes anything to the movement!” 

Davidson was last seen at a Hillary Clinton rally, but could not cite a single reason she supported the candidate other than her gender and supposed ability to dismantle the patriarchy. When reminded that Clinton’s policies have systematically disenfranchised women of color around the world, and of her past support for discriminatory legislation that harms trans women, Davidson answered with nothing but a blank stare.

[thebeagleonline]

Study Shows Height of Average American University Man to be 5’3’’

In response to frustration at the perceived vertical shortcomings of men, American University sponsored a study to determine the average height of a man enrolled at their institution. That height was determined to 5’3’’. 

“I’m not surprised,” said sophomore Emily Kaplan. “I mean I don’t want to sound like one of those people who won’t date a man who isn’t taller than me, but I won’t.” 

The Beagle caught up with one of the men who accurately reflect the findings of the study. 

“I’m not short dude, fuck you. Girls here are so shallow, and no, these boots don’t have wedges in them, they’re Japanese. All boots look like that over there man, I swear, you can look it up,” said junior Adam Brown. 

Mr. Brown and a few of his fraternity brothers attempted to lower their ceilings in hopes that this would make them look taller. They stacked hundreds of Natural Light cans on the kitchen floor in order to weigh down the basement ceiling, where most raging occurs. 

“I don’t go to that house anymore. The ceiling is weirdly low, and I smack my head when trying to groove to Trap Queen,” said Kaplan. “Do I think it makes the men there look taller? Maybe, but that’s probably due to my concussion.” 

When asked if there was anything short men could do to improve their chances, Kaplan offered, “I think its pretty hot when guys get angry really quickly and try to compensate for their short stature by spending an inordinate amount of time at the gym. Also, I kinda have a thing for men on stilts.” 

Mr. Brown was spotted packing his Timberland boots for spring break in Cancun. He claims to have some sort of foot fungus, but our analysis finds added height is the only reason why one would wear boots at the beach.

[thebeagleonline]

DJ Khaled Skipped Founder’s Day Ball Due to Lack of Apple Ciroc

Infamous personality and celebrity snapchatter, more known for his snaps than musical talent, was scheduled to make a surprise guest appearance at American University’s Founder’s Day Ball. Khaled was reportedly going to ride in on the backs of “they” and throw dolla dolla bills out of his pants. His teenage entourage couldn’t wait to #socollege all over their snapchat stories.

However, in a pre-party meeting, which was supposed to inform Khaled of Smithsonian protocol and acceptable behavior, Khaled learned American University is a dry campus, and the alcohol ban applies to off-campus events. 

“Dry? Dry?! They don’t want you to blackout!” screamed Khaled as he aggressively exited the Board of Trustees’ meeting. 

Smithsonian staff collectively breathed a sigh of relief and could comfortably remove the caution tape off priceless artifacts depicting alcohol, as Khaled’s conception of reality becomes increasingly blurred.

Despite the belief that all Khaled does is win, win, win, his forfeit of the “honorary wonk” title is clearly a loss for him and our community mourns. But there will certainly be anotha wonk of the year award. Alternatively, Khaled may hit up Anderson Cooper and ask to borrow the flask Cooper sipped jungle juice from during his own Wonk of the Year speech. A recent Kogod study discovered that an individual can only say the term wonk 4x soberly before breaking out in hives.

[thebeagleonline]

White Male Student Unoffended by Rotting Meat in TDR

After a string of food poisonings originated from rotting pig heart mistakenly labeled as Canadian bacon, nauseated students expressed their unhappiness with the campus meal plan. 

“My parents and I are going into severe debt so I can blow chunks on my $300 calculus textbook,” complained disgruntled sophomore Julia Harrow. 

But Kogod student Preston Smith had his own feelings on the scandal. “Everyone these days just wants to find something to be offended by! First it’s ‘atrocious working conditions,’ then 200% tuition hikes, and now it’s food poisoning. Sheesh, get a grip people. And safe spaces? I feel safe all the time.” 

After watching other students projectile vomit across TDR’s fake trees, Smith passed on the “farmed fresh Canadian bacon.” He was thankful to not have consumed the decomposing meat, so he could continue living his life without experiencing any mild discomfort or adversaries. But, as underpaid TDR workers struggled to mop as fast as students could spew, Smith was reportedly slightly irritated at the scent of regurgitation. 

Later that day, Smith shared a post on Facebook accusing Beyoncé of racism against whites. He referred to her Super Bowl performance as unacceptable.

[thebeagleonline]

Bill Nye Attempts to Auction Timeshare During KPU Address

WASHINGTON D.C.- Armed with his trademark bowtie and newly acquired megaphone, scientist and television personality Bill Nye spent much of his Kennedy Political Union address attempting to instigate a bidding war over a timeshare he purchased in 2013. 

Nye’s speech lasted ninety minutes and ranged from topics like climate change and finding water on Mars to his time as resident badass of Bill Nye the Science Guy. However, science took a back seat to his desire to hawk his timeshare in Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin. 

“I’m telling you guys, this place is the shit,” Nye said to the crowd of over five-hundred in Bender Arena. “It's right on Lake Michigan, there’s a canoe you can ‘borrow’ from the neighbor, and it’s proven to withstand chemical explosions!”

American University students grew quite anxious at the increasingly pushy Nye, as he rattled off prices and the perks of owning a timeshare (in a state that many are skeptical actually exists) for the majority of his address. “I wanted to hear him talk about whether he believes there’s life elsewhere in the universe, not that his timeshare has three bedrooms, a Jacuzzi, and an underground bomb-shelter” said Shana Lawn, an American University junior. “Although I hope he’s willing to haggle further down, because my interest is piqued.” 

Many were baffled at why Nye, whose net worth values around six million dollars, would attempt to sell his inconveniently located and ridiculously expensive timeshare to American University students. “I overheard him talking to Kerwin saying that the timeshare was an impulse buy, and he was blackout when he got it,” said KPU volunteer Teresa Ronpon. “He’s only on a speaking tour to pawn the property off on some gullible ignoramus.” 

During the Q&A portion of the night, Nye became increasingly livid at any audience member who failed to inquire about his timeshare. “No god dammit!” screeched Nye, when asked about his view on String Theory. “I told you fucking wonks only questions about the lake-front property. You don’t KNOW much now, do ya?” There were no follow-up questions. 

At press time, Nye was boarding a plane to Emerson College in Boston to attempt to rid himself of the capuchin monkey that he purchased after binge watching Friends.

[thebeagleonline]

Student Health Center to Be Replaced by Nurse Kerwin

Citing nearly infinite wait times, gross over-prescription of Codeine, and a 99% misdiagnosis rate, the American University Board of Trustees has decided to replace the Student Health Center with recent University of Phoenix Online Nursing School graduate, Neil Kerwin. 

The Beagle caught up with the university’s president earlier this week to inquire about his new role. “After I realized a university president does little other than rake in the dough, I decided I needed to find a hobby to occupy my spare time. Nursing seemed like a great way to give back to the students whose tuition money I bathe in twice a week.” Although his virtual nursing program provided no real world experience, Kerwin believes he certainly can’t do any worse than the defunct Student Health Center. 

“I actually went in one time because I scraped my knee pretty bad. I only needed a Band-Aid, but instead they administered a Strep test and wrote me a prescription for morphine,” said the part-time President and newly full-time nurse. 

When asked to comment on the transition, senior Emily Hampshire said, “He’s really going to be our nurse? Jesus. I guess he can’t be worse than the nurse that prescribed me Codeine that time I got a UTI. I told her that probably wouldn’t help, she said okay, and then gave me two eye exams.” 

When asked if he had any healthcare initiative he was passionate about, Kerwin whispered, “Don’t tell anyone, but my secretary took most of my online nursing school exams. Could you give me a hint?” The Beagle did not provide a hint. Patients have reported Kerwin using a multitude of diagnosis methods including checking WebMD, using the online ‘Ask a Librarian’ chat, and asking Siri.

[thebeagleonline]

World Politics (SIS 105) Discussion Section Contains Record 17 Future Presidents

During the first day of class, resident TA Michael Carrington asked students to introduce themselves and describe their career aspirations. All but one, sophomore Adam Samson, stated with conviction that after graduation they planned to pursue and achieve the Presidency of the United States.

“I had no idea my peers were so delusional,” Samson said. “I mean I know a lot of parents tell their kids they can be whatever they want to be when they grow up, but that usually means an astronaut or a five star chef, or something. To be perfectly honest, I’m almost certain none of them will ever be on a ballot.”

Samson’s classmates all disagree. “I feel like I have what it takes to be President,” said Tara Jericho, a freshman from Connecticut. When reminded that only 43 people in the country’s history have been President, Jericho responded, “I think that my internship with Bill Huizenga from Michigan’s 2nd District next semester will leave me more than prepared.” When asked if she knew how to make coffee, Jericho said she did, but didn’t really seem to understand the question’s relevance.

In response to his student’s lofty aspirations, Carrington said, “I’ve been a TA for four semesters, so I’ve supposedly taught about seventy future presidents. I’m looking forward to boasting about it on my LinkedIn.”

Jericho recently updated her profile picture to a photo of herself smiling in front of the White House, thus completing one of the little know prerequisites for the Presidency. After she takes a tour of the President’s residence next month, she’ll be well on her way to calling 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue home.

[thebeagleonline]

Clawed the Eagle Released into Wild Following Budget Cuts

WASHINGTON, DC- Following last month’s budget cuts, the Board of Trustees voted to release longtime staff member Clawed the Eagle. Clawed reportedly failed to apply for tenure within the last three decades due to a hectic schedule packed full of high fives and a constant pursuit of female dance team members.

“He always made me feel, like, a little uncomfortable, you know? I couldn’t ever look into his eyes. I’ve always found talking birds to be kind of fucking weird,” said sophomore dance team member Lily Barsanti. 

Upon hearing of his immediate release, Clawed begged for reconsideration. He suggested moving nests from Bender to MGC; the move would allow him to “excite” tearful students when Freshii closes three hours early due to a lack of all essential ingredients (but a constant surplus of day old peas). Instead, President Kerwin barred Clawed from campus, and Public Safety forcibly removed the wild and dangerous animal from the perpetually empty grandstands of Bender Arena. Upon having his wings clipped at the Massachusetts Avenue entrance, Clawed violently summersaulted across the intersection and squawked, “FUCK THE MASS AVENUE WALK SIGN.” He attempted to avoid all seven of the Board of Trustees’ stretch hummer limos and a single Lamborghini. When asked for comment, the Board stated that their limos got away unscathed, thankfully. Witnesses noticed a bloody mess of feathers and salty tears in front of Katzen seconds after Clawed disappeared into the distance. Kerwin assured students Clawed would be fine, and it’s just molting season. 

In the last few days, several sources confirmed spotting Clawed aimlessly wandering around Tenleytown and cursing Student Government for their non-interventionist strategies. Students are advised to not approach and maintain distance whenever possible. He often flocks to Cava and interrupts students mid-falafel in attempts to start the wave. 

“Have you seen Pat Kelly?” Clawed tearfully asks individuals approaching the Mediterranean food chain. At all hours of the night, neighbors can hear Clawed shriek, “Pat! Pat! I thought we were buds.” 

Patrick Kelly, former Student Government President, reportedly filed a restraining order against Clawed upon hearing of his release. The Beagle caught up with Kelly to learn how he copes with the traumatic situation.

“I’m taking the loss of $8 pitas really hard right now. I’m trying not to give into the cravings, but it’s definitely a really trying time in my life. I know Clawed is there, waiting and waiting to fist bump me,” Kelly courageously declared.

Despite graduating last year, Kelly can frequently be spotted out and about in Tenley. When asked what he is still doing here, Kelly responded, “No comment.” 

We extend our sympathies to Pat Kelly and all affected by the on-going crisis. We sincerely hope the administration will plan better in the future before releasing a dangerous animal into the heart of falafel territory. Stay safe out there, Tenleytowners.

[thebeagleonline]

Matilda Wormwood Spotted in Bender Library

WASHINGTON, DC— Several sources confirmed Wednesday that Matilda Wormwood, the exceptionally smart girl who rose to fame after her portrayal in Roald Dahl’s 1988 novel Matilda, was recently spotted on the third floor of American University’s library. Reports indicate that over the past two weeks, the Department of Public Safety has received eight complaints regarding floating books in the library, which some have suggested were caused by Matilda’s telekinetic powers. Her presence on campus has prompted many to wonder why she has decided to take refuge on AU’s campus.

Some have theorized that her decision to come to AU stems from a falling out she had with Miss Jennifer Honey, her lovable elementary school teacher and caretaker, although that theory has yet to be confirmed. Sources close to Matilda, who wish to remain unnamed, denied that theory, saying that she is here to fulfill her quest to read every printed book known to humankind. The close sources also stated that while she has enjoyed her time in our library, she doesn’t plan on staying long due her discomfort with President Neil Kerwin’s physical resemblance to Agatha Trunchbull, her elementary school’s detestable headmistress. The rising tuition costs have also struck a nerve with the young genius, which sources suggest reminded Matilda of the oppressive nature of Crunchem Hall.

[thebeagleonline]

TDR to Stop Serving Peaches After James and Assorted Critters Popped Out

WASHINGTON, DC— The Terrace Dining Room announced that it will temporarily stop serving peaches after student Dave Greenstein complained that his peach was infested with worms and other critters. Upon further investigation, it was found that the peach was, in fact, home to four-year-old James Henry Trotter and his friends The Earthworm, Miss Spider, the Old Green Grasshopper, and several others. “I wish I had known it was James’ peach before I reported it,” Greenstein said. “I would have loved to meet them all. It’s a good thing I didn’t throw it out.”

While many were excited to hear the news that the whole crew from James and the Giant Peach were on campus, the Office of Housing and Dining was weary of the peach’s presence, pointing to its potential harm. “Having a peach that was exposed to a strange old man’s magic potion on campus is a threat to our community,” a Housing and Dining spokesman said in a public statement Wednesday. “The peach may expand in size at any time and crush everyone in the vicinity.” Some students also grew weary of the peach, but for different reasons. “I have a feeling that if James and the peach are here, it won’t be long till Aunt Spiker and Aunt Sponge come here,” said worried student Julie Kalman. “Beyond being the most cruel people I’ve ever heard of, I don’t want to be exposed to their repulsive behavior and offended by their hideousness.”

When asked about the peach, President Neil Kerwin said, “I trust that Housing and Dining will do all that is necessary to keep us safe. We do not want to experience something that is reminiscent of the Great Alaskan Bull Worm Invasion of 2001.

[thebeagleonline]

George's Marvelous Medicine Developed in McKinley Building

WASHINGTON, DC— In a series of recently released documents regarding the past use of American University's campus, the Board of Trustees is now admitting that the McKinley building was the original testing ground for George's marvelous medicine. While the McKinley building is already known for its cornerstone being laid by President Theodore Roosevelt and its use in developing chemical weapons during WWI, George's use of the building has implications far beyond the United States.

According to legend, George (last name unknown) mixed a magical potion  consisting of a hodgepodge of household products ranging from deodorant to antifreeze in an effort to murder his grandmother. Psychologists speculate that a disturbed George concocted his "marvelous medicine" when his parents left him with his grandmother to run errands, leaving him with some serious abandonment issues. These issues allegedly drove him to murder his own flesh and blood grandmother.

The Board of Trustees is reportedly undergoing great stress regarding the PR nightmare caused by the association with such a devious character as George. Authorities are currently investigating who at AU was responsible for allowing a maladjusted nine year old unrestricted access to the very same facilities used by the US Military. "Had we known George would mix a potion with the goal of blowing his grandmother up like a balloon to make her float away and burst into flames, we never would've trusted him so much," an unnamed trustee said in a press release. George's current whereabouts are unknown.

Editor’s note: In a previously unpublished manifesto, George denounced the actions of copycat killer Harry potter who used similar tactics to make his guardian's sister, Marjorie Dursley blow up and float away in a fit of rage.

[thebeagleonline]

OP-ED: East Campus Construction Site Perfect Spot for Monster Truck Club

I was enjoying the afternoon this past week, thinking about how much I hate consumerism in America, when I decided to get coffee at the local joint. On my way to Starbucks, I took note of American University’s planned East Campus. We have so much potential to boost the university in the national rankings and this spot should not go to waste. As I sat typing on my Macbook and drinking my flat white, I thought of the perfect use for the East Campus site.

Thinking back on the pit that is currently “East Campus,” it reminded me a lot of my first impressions during a trip to the South: red dirt, inbreeding, and Budweiser. This potential should not go to waste. American University needs to stick to what is available here and start a monster truck club. This is the perfect use for the new space. Nothing other than lifted trucks is needed, which is much cheaper than building new dormitories or classrooms.

When I think of the good ole United States, I don't think of minorities. I think of slightly racist white people, the people our country was built by. Our school, named after God's favorite country, needs to reflect the ideals that it was named after. A monster truck club, having its own space to practice, would appeal to the people that I think of when we say the USA. It's time the Admissions Office looked to appealing to the real America. Let's take back what it means to be American.

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[thebeagleonline]

President Kerwin Due to Release Yearbook Composed Entirely of his Face

WASHINGTON, DC — Over the past few years, American University’s budget for its publications has significantly decreased. With little money remaining to properly fund all publications, AU was forced to make a decision to either fund the printing efforts of its yearbook, The Talon, or give all funds to The Eagle so that they can continue writing articles about how it snowed a few inches on campus last week. As The Eagle still lives in print and The Talon has resorted to moving completely online, some sources have indicated that some of the decision makers had a fetish for dull weather reports.

The decision has not been well received among the students. Senior Edmund Stern was especially upset. "How will I remember my mediocre experience at AU?" Stern expressed. "Other than Facebook, where will I see pictures of all my college friends?” Stern is not alone, as sorority member Jennifer Gates also expressed her dissatisfaction. "I am mostly sad because I really wanted to have all my sorority sisters sign my yearbook. Especially my big, who I love and who is so pretty and smart. She's the best!

In response to student outcries, AU promised to release a limited edition, Neil Kerwin themed yearbook. According to sources, the President will generously use a slim portion of his one million dollar salary to print this year’s Talon, where it will be comprised entirely of Kerwin’s portraits. Every student’s name will be accompanied by a picture of Kerwin's raisin face. Sources confirmed that the superlative section will be all awarded to Kerwin, including ‘Most Likely to Date Ryan Reynolds.’ "All of my portraits will be great for your LinkdIn accounts,” Kerwin wrote in an email to students. When asked about the release date, he said, ”I just can't wait for everyone to sign my yearbook, I'm going to be so popular!”

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[thebeagleonline]

Asian Flavors Welcomes First Customer

WASHINGTON, DC – American University history was made this past Wednesday when unfortunately misguided freshman Mark Lincoln walked into Asian Flavors, the “restaurant” in the Bender tunnel, and purchased food from the establishment. Asian Flavors opened on February 25th, 1893, exactly one day after the university was founded by Act of Congress. Its existence defied the Chinese Exclusion Act of 1892, though experts speculate that the establishment may have played a role in the anti-Chinese sentiment of the early 20th century causing the previously temporary law to be made permanent in 1902. Since its opening over one century ago, it has mysteriously kept afloat despite the fact that not a single customer has ever walked through its smudgy glass doors.

Lincoln’s general lack of friends is suspected to be the cause of his patronage of the campus eatery. Lincoln’s floor-mates believe the fact that he has always been a loner contributed to the fact that he “never got the memo that no-one fucking goes there.” Reports indicate that Lincoln walked in “with reckless abandon” and that, “[he] didn’t even seem phased to enter into the abyss.” Sources later confirmed that Lincoln was last seen entering his Letts Hall restroom later that evening and has not been seen since.

UPDATE: An anonymous Beagle-exclusive eyewitness saw the whole episode transpire from outside: “It was crazy, he walked in, ordered, paid, ate, and walked out of there like it was a normal thing to do!” 

Editors Note: The Beagle was unable to get in touch with the staff of Asian Flavors due to our own personal fears of entering the peculiar establishment.

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[thebeagleonline]

Patriots Fan Ruins Everybody Else’s Monday

WASHINGTON, DC — After an intense game that had drunk dads and Katy Perry fans senselessly yelling at television screens across the country, the New England Patriots left with just as strong of a grip on the Lombardi Trophy as they had on deflated balls earlier this season. American University awoke the following morning to Patriots fans bloviating about how great Boston and everything that has to do with its sports teams is. On top of that, AU also awoke to a cloudy and rainy Groundhog Day, indicating a long winter still ahead. Needless to say, this was shaping up to be a bad Monday.

Glenn Rose, a self-described “professional Boston sports fan,” decided to decorate herself with Boston sports team paraphernalia, deliberately including Bruins pins because there probably won’t be another occasion to wear those anytime soon. Rose attended her morning class with a smirk that her classmates recognized as a sign that she was inescapably going to talk about the Super Bowl. Reports indicate that after the professor asked the first discussion question about the institutionalized racial bias in the justice system, Rose answered by stating that, “While there is racial bias in all aspects of American life, the New England Patriots proved to be the most diverse and successful football team that has ever walked the Earth.” When asked about whether she felt her comments were at all relevant, Rose stated, “Of course they were relevant. After all, we’re all ‘Patriots’ today.” Her remarks instantly irritated the entire class, leading to yet another day of universal venting about the obnoxiousness of the typical “Boston Sports Fan.”

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[thebeagleonline]

Terrace Dining Room Now Offering Food With Flavor

WASHINGTON, DC – Starting in the Spring 2015 semester, American University’s campus dining hall, the Terrace Dining Room (TDR) plans to change a tradition that has been around as long as the institution itself. January 2015 marks the first time TDR will be serving food that actually has taste and flavor. While AU has gone to great lengths in its public relations in an attempt to brand itself as “diverse,” TDR has always served as a more accurate depiction of the university’s true, monochromatic nature.

Founded by an Act of Congress in 1893, AU has been a leading university for the rather tame palates of upper-class white people, offering salvation from the “upsetting and overall obnoxious” flavors and spices found in foods not served at $1,000/plate fundraising events. These changes are coming on the heels of a recent proliferation of campus clubs advocating for a higher level of diversity and inclusion in the AU Community. Many of these clubs, notably those advocating for minority voices on campus have made countless petitions in an attempt to give the dining hall options for those looking to eat something more flavorful than a stew consisting of cream of wheat mixed with tofu.

“While American University firmly stands by its assembly line process of breeding Mitt Romney-types, we have heard the other students’ voices and are making the appropriate changes,” said President Neil Kerwin in a recent press conference where he announced the impending menu changes. Reports indicate that these dining changes are the biggest to be made since the fall of 2013 when TDR did away with the self-serve sandwich system that stressed out too many students whose existence hadn’t adequately prepared them for the life skills necessary to make a sandwich themselves.

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