#rask4

[novapark]

“So… what are we going to do about this?” Her persistence to this cause was truly admirable. 

“I don’t wanna trouble you,” I replied, “Make you endure more time with me” 

“If it was trouble I wouldn’t ask. Besides it’s not like I’m that exciting either, hell I think even Tulip is sick of talking to me.” She let out another beautiful laugh and let her hand rest on mine, softly stroking the inside of my palm with the tips of her fingers. 

“I doubt it, she seems like a great listener.” 

“What if we went on a hike?” She posed after a few seconds of quiet contemplation.

An excellent idea. It was something we both clearly enjoyed. 

“Now that I would like.” I agreed, catching her copper eyes staring into mine once more. 

“Me too.” 

My heart was throbbing in my chest, Wow... she actually is into me. 

[novapark]

Oh, why can't I be making love come true?

[novapark]

As Luna’s words seeped into my mind we could hear the rumble of the party getting underway inside the house. I was still feeling conflicted about this girl that had invaded my mind but at least I was sure in myself enough to know that change was coming. That I was finally going to take some action on some things that had been troubling me. 

“Remember Ollie, tonight is not forever” Luna smiled, reaching for a hug before we made our way out of the garage. 

It was true but in the dark parts of my mind I worried if maybe my inaction would still make a difference.

[novapark]

End of Series Five

[novapark]

It’s funny, I was so anxious going into the day but by the end of it I had found a calm. Part of it was being thankful that it was over and I could just enjoy some recharge time but honestly, shit could have gone a lot worse. Especially with my brother in the state he was in. 

Then there was my time with Sancha. 

Wow was that ever amazing. Shame it couldn’t have gone further but it was okay. She seemed a little nervous and may need more time. I needed to be patient. Not just for her but for me too. Last time I got this way I went too far with it way too fast and scared her away. I wasn’t ready for my heart to be shaken by that level of rejection again. Kind of annoying that after five years I wasn’t over that yet. In fact Lollys existence being piled on top of that mess just made it worse.

[novapark]

“Guessin’ that’s your muffin girl?” Luna asked as I watched Sancha wander off toward the side of the house where most everyone had parked. 

“Not mine.” I sighed heavily,  “Maybe someday though - If she’ll let me.” 

“Seems like she’d be into it.” My cousin mused. Perhaps her opinions on my situation were changing now that she saw how we were around each other. The energy between Sunny and I was something else. 

“Maybe, but she doesn’t know me that well yet.” I shrugged recalling the way my more serious previous relationships had ended. It’s not like those girls didn’t like me, they just didn’t want to keep me. 

“Damn you got it bad. Usually you’re not this insecure.” Luna teased. 

“Yeah well, guess been awhile since I’ve actually cared.” I admitted. Honestly it’d been a while since I had cared about anything much at all. Then all the sudden I had a daughter and a woman in my life worth investing time with. 

I guess those idioms about shit all happening at once did hold some water after all.

[novapark]

Someone told me to be selfless But we are helpless without attention So if no one's paying attention Then does my voice get to your headphones You start thinking about the clock ticks You get nervous, you start stressing So how am I supposed to fit this In three minutes and thirty seconds

[novapark]

Despite what anxieties I had the night before I woke up early that Saturday morning with a strange new sense of positivity and determination. I think, much like when I started the recovery track four years ago, it was important to tell someone I knew would hold me to my goals. I was lucky on that front - probably luckier than most. I have a good network of friends who were more than willing to call me out on my shit. To knock me down when I wasn’t acting right. 

I mean honestly there really is nothing quite as humbling as being body slammed by a six foot two navy pilot. 

That being said though, most of them knew when I didn’t need that. When encouragement would go further. Still at the end of the day there were some choices only I could make. I had to choose not to drink, to change my life, to want to be healthy. No one could do that for me. For a long time that daily grind of healthy eating, early morning exercise, and meditation was a real struggle but it did always seem to put my mind right. Especially when I had a difficult day ahead of me. 

If you or a loved one is struggling with alcohol addiction please check out the following resource links to get started on the road to recovery: 

https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/meeting-guide https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline https://virtual-na.org/ https://www.intherooms.com/home/ https://recoverydharma.org/

Special thanks to my writing companion @boolproppin for the links.