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during my yesterday mental breakdown i realized i actually fully accept myself. like. i really don't want to change and bend to people anymore and they tk be the best most acceptable version of myself and lie about my interests and opinions etc bc mine sure are wrong. sure soemtiems it's still scary but the thing it I'm actually fine with the person I am. even if sometimes I call myself horrible I alps accepted and am in peace with this horrible part and I can adjust my behavior to the situation but don't have to keep pretending to myself and others. the main thing is I'm ok with people not liking me because I know I wouldn't like them either and we just don't have that much time to waste it.

#it's so basic #I'm not sure when exactly it happened probably graduely during the last 5-6 years #probably the most lately when I really started to value the little time I have #the little good moments and how many are wasted and could be better #it looks like pulled out of some inspirational quote I know #but sometimes you have to come a long way to finally come to basic shit like that yourself #rat vent

i will not lie chat its getting bad

#rat vent #randomly thought abt texting one of my exs today #we broke up in like. 2020 or 2021 #and i basically immediately stopped thinking abt her #bc i didnt like her at all even a little and she pissed me off #but right now im like okay how can i obtain human interaction #that doesnt make me feel better at all . because i dont deserve to be happy but if i dont talk to a person #im gonna start ripping my fingernails off #i need to maintain this balance where i suffer everyday (deserved)#but i dont let it get bad enough my body starts atrophying #because unfortunately i am needed. physically a person needs to be where i am #and itd be a pain in the ass spot to fill if i keeled over tomorrow #dont worry though i literally have no way to contact her. idk where she is nowadays

that had to be the worst Will Turner Wednesday of my life actually

#unless any of my other bad days fell on a Wednesday and i just don't remember #but yeah uh #idk karma's got its kiss for me #for some fucking reason #rat vent

how many critical aspects of my Self do you think i can slice off before my core starts rotting and i cant function anymore

#rat vent #just took a shower guys hi

what level of irony poisoning is it when you start having violently upsetting self loathing thoughts and you almost immediately reframe them as something to self depricate about in a semi-humorous post on tumblr dot com

#rat vent

me: so recently ive really been reckoning with the fact that a lot of my compassion comes from a place of fear. my first response to someone being upset around me is always to de-escalate not because i care about their mental well-being, but because im scared of what they might do to me in that emotional state. its starting to feel like im incapable of really caring for other people outside of concern for my own sake. its really hard to give a shit about the distress of people im not scared of. its kind of evil and i cant remember my own past thoughts clearly enough to find evidence contrary

the rotting tulpa of my sister at her absolute worst mental state i keep taxidermied in my mind at all times: it is evil. snd im kicking you ouy of the apartment so you die in the heatwave, okay?

me: okay

people in real life: hey whats up

#rat vent

who wantsto dissolve me in hydrochloric acid

#rat vent #im so tired of tryingto emotionally manage this grown ass woman . lol

#rat vent #ohhh society if my entire life was not ruled by Fear above all else #im so scared. of everything and everyone.#all the time. haha

#rat vent

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