#rather.

[neostriatum]

Here's the title card for Theorems of a Ghost!

I'm in the process of making chapter title cards, and putting in the last of the author's notes into various chapters, I'll start posting (ideally) sometime in August!

[amaranthos-winter]

May TBR pile acquired! \o/ Prospects is a bit of an odd one out in this round, but I've heard positive things about it, and maybe the transmasc protag will save it from my comparatively low enthusiasm for sports romances. When the Cranes Fly South was supposed to be part of my April reads, but I ended up not reading as much as I'd wished to, soo...

[z-a-d-i-e]

Have now begun the THIRTY-EIGHT HOUR long Parade's End audiobook. I am enjoying it thus far, but I've given myself permission to not have 100% mastery over every detail. It seems like a rather sophisticated book and I can't hold on that tightly when listening. Having seen (half) the miniseries helps. 

I've been intellectually lazy. I need capital L literature.

(I have to admit, these stuffy Brits remind me of that Eddie Izzard joke about arranging matches.)

[vakariansmonocle]

Pieces of last night.

My friends who see my tumblr, and realise what I'm actually feeling, I'm sorry you have to see that. And I appreciate that you're sticking with me knowing that I'm sort of.. well.. Depressed, a lot. And morbid. And just, all that. 

For the friends I ramble to, I'm sorry.  To the friends who see my tumblr and think it's too depressing, how do you think I feel? This is the one place I'm not forced to smile because if I act how I feel, they won't tell me to just be happy or ask what's wrong. Because they don't have to. 

That's honestly sad how people who have never met me, know how I'm feeling more than people who see me everyday. Guess that's why I don't really feel like I fit in.

Anyways.. back to the whole, me still being up. I'm up because I'm too upset and my nerves are all rattled. I probably won't sleep well, if I actually sleep. I don't wanna go to school tomorrow. I have to though, ya know, cause mum will get all.. frustrated. It's not my fault I'm manic depressive. It's genetic, ya know... so It's not my fault I'm not getting help, or that I'm not happy. 

This thing is so random. One subject to the next. 

I'm getting to the point I'm starting to push people away again. It's like I don't even wanna see them anymore. I don't how to fix that. Not like it causes problems, cause there's not many people that actually WANT to hang out with me around here. Cause I'm awkward and obnoxious and just.. Stupid. The only thing I'm good at.. Well, nothing really. I mean, I'm pretty good at art. But, that's about it. other than that, ya know.. I'm just stupid. 

My self esteem is hitting below rock bottom lately. As you can tell. Honestly, I'm actually nervous people will judge me for this stupid post, but what else am I supposed to do, hold it in and pray for the best to something I don't believe in... 

You know those lifetime movies where there's the best friends that end up together or something? I always wished I had someone I could call and cry to till they told me they'd come over. But I live in the middle of the woods. My friends sleep. And well, I don't have any who would do that. 

I'm in a battle with my love for food and the hate of myself where I don't wanna eat. Honestly, I don't know what to do. Looking at my skinny friends and then me. I'm nothing compared, regardless of who believes me or not. And I know, I could do something about it, and I would. But not in this town. Maybe when I move back to Phoenix, cause I'll actually be motivated to walk. But not here. I can't walk to a fucking walmart here. 

I'm lonely, and miserable at best. I tear myself apart too much to actually be in a relationship. I can't make people put up with this, and I hardly expect people to stay after this. I know I sound pathetic, and I hate it. But I'm being honest right now. Completely honest. 

And I hate how pathetic I sound, how pathetic I am. I hate it. I could of killed myself a thousand times by now if it wasn't for how pathetic and how much of chicken shit I was and I could of done the world a favor. 

I hate me. I hate who I am, what I look like, how I feel. I hate me. 

I expect to get hate mail and shit from this, to make me feel worse.. Cause that's usually what happens. So.. I don't know.. I need to sleep.. Or try to... I gotta rest before the full storm hits and tears me apart till I can't sleep at all.... 

[saferwithme-blog]

I want to write. but i don't want to?

[sugarintheflies-blog]