#ratko castlevania

[gideongrovel]

Ratko

for @space-sweetheart

[ratkosfavourite]

Please let me justify this but they are so princess and soldier/knight coded

[unemployedemployee]

it was hard putting white and yellow next to each other, but i like the result.

updated the other two to look slightly nicer

[honest-moth-of-silver-grove]

Hey there, if you're still up for receiving asks, what do you think it would be like caught in a poly relationship with Ratko/Varney? Preferably with a human reader (male or gn please).

Maybe with the reader playing a similar role to Saint Germaine, although more willingly? I love the two disasters.

A/N: Lol, I love the two disasters as well; one of the highlights of the last season for me for sure! I think it’d take a VERY special human to catch their attention. For one, Ratko sees humans as pigs, all beneath him. Varney recognizes humans as important simply because they have souls and therefore are afforded influences on realms he is not. For this set of headcanons, let’s assume our Reader is just THAT gd special that both Ratko and Varney admire them enough to not only let them live but ask them to join in their arrangement. 

TW: Brief Mentions of Death, and Sex (not always in that order)

Gender Neutral Human Reader in a Poly! Relationship with Both Ratko & Varney 

You’re a human of, shall we say, unique talents and persuasions. Perhaps you’re a doctor or mortician, or a mad-scientist combination of the two. Perhaps you, like Saint Germaine, are an alchemist or magician. 

Whatever your occupation is, it deals with biology, sciences, mathematics, and most importantly, death. 

That’s of course how you met your two current partners, through the more morbid facets of your line of work. 

Ratko and Varney were quite the amusing pair to you from the get-go. As complete and utter opposites in personality and outlook, they butted heads more often than not, but that’s one of the reasons the three of you worked out so well! You were always the neutral party coming in with the tiebreaker. 

For whatever reason, you agree with Varney that Dracula must be brought back to life. However, unlike Varney, you don’t see why he must be brought back as a Rebis, fused with his dead wife. You understand this other associate in their plan, one Saint Germaine, is rather knowledgeable himself when it comes to alchemy, but there are several ways to go about raising the dead; surely any one of them is much less complicated than a plan such as this. 

Your back-and-forth arguments act as entertainment for Ratko, who just sits back and watches as his two lovers squabble in a language that might as well be in a foreign language to him. Rebis this, necromancy that. “The two of you squawk like chicken whose head has been cut off.” Ratko frequently says to the two of you. 

That of course always gets a rise out of both you and Varney: “How can a chicken squawk if it’s already dead?” Varney asks, falling for the bait every time. “You would need necromancy to reanimate said chicken!” You exclaim, equally none-the-wiser. 

This undead vs dead squawking chicken debate goes on in circles for a while until one of you, usually Varney, starts listing off your credentials. “Don’t you know who I am? I’m VANREY!” Which is hilarious, given there’s not a single soul amongst the three of you who doesn’t know the entire backstory of the other nor is there one of you who hasn’t seen the other two naked. Speaking of naked….

You were probably the first to initiate sex, not because Ratko or Varney weren’t attracted to you, or interested in sleeping with you. But because the two morons didn’t even realize that was an option! Well, I mean sure, they had each envisioned what it’d be like to sleep with you, but their imagination made it all seem theoretical. 

So one early morning you decide to take matters into your own hands. You strip down to nothing and wait for them to come back home before the sun fully rises. You lay there, splayed out on the bed, bare as a newborn babe, casually reading a book akin to the Kamasutra, complete with very detailed illustrations, of course!  

Varney is the first to notice. He sort of freezes before smirking. Ratko sees you second, his usual indifferent demeanor giving way to shock before an expression of reverence crosses his face. “Well, fellas?” You roll over, toss the book aside, and sit with your legs spread far apart, giving them a good show of everything you have to offer before pointing to a particular illustration on the left side of the book. “I’ve always wanted to try this one.”

It’s not a surprise their bickering crosses over into sex. They argue over who gets to do what first, so more often than not, you have to pick one of them to shove back down and get started, much to the chagrin of the one left standing. (Don’t worry about them too much though, they always join in themselves soon enough lol.) 

You work well together, even if there’s a total of like, seven brain cells between the three of you, and you have five of them on any given day. 

[dontcallmetreffy]

So I connected some dots that has my friends and family screaming and threatening to ostracize me…

And no I won’t elaborate

[prettynerdieworks]

[castlelastlevania]

There are only two Varney/Ratko fics on AO3, this is a crime--

[luna-sheep]

ratko was so annoying and i can’t believe some people thirst for him...

like he was ugly, he was weak, he was boring. all he did was monologue about how smart and strong and evil he was and then he died. the only reason trevor even had any problem with him was bc he was exhausted

(and the fact that castlevania writers consistently wrote the protags’ strength to vary based on who they happened to be fighting at the time)

like when he went on and on about how “you’re not a vampire. I’M a fucking VAMPIRE” i rolled my eyes so hard

his character wasn’t even entertaining :/