A Twist in My Story
It started with a table. I was writing my class schedule on the dry erase board in our dorm kitchen, when I saw him sitting at my kitchen table, talking to my roommate. When he walked into my life, I was fresh off of an all consuming, devastating break-up. My first love, the only thing I had ever known, had ended our relationship in a 30 second phone call. He hung up and as the phone disconnected, so did a lot of things. I let it all crash and crumble around me, because if everything was a mess, this one thing wouldn’t hurt as hard. Sound logic, right? But a year later, I was finally starting to get back on my feet. I had hit rock bottom that fall and I was finally motivated to pick myself up. And when he walked into my life, I thought I was ready for him. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t fully healed and that hole that I had in my heart was filled with someone new instead of what it should have been filled with - some love for myself. And so I threw myself completely into this new thing. And for 6.5 years, everything about my life was about him. I wasn’t Ana, I was his girlfriend.
Every ounce of what made me, me, got lost in translation. It finally ended last year. There’s so much I want to say about it but out of the love I used to have, I won’t. I have no desire to tarnish his character or throw the blame. It helps no one. Certainly does not soothe my soul - trust me, I’ve tried. We both know all the truth I could tell, but reaching for hate seems like a poor way to remember the beauty of what we did have. It wasn’t all bad, after all. But this post is not about him - it’s about me. So why am I writing about him?
Honestly, because to start again, you have to take note of where you’ve been. And man, I’ve been everywhere, it seems. And though I made it through the worst with the help of some extraordinary friends, who never let me wallow, though I swore that I was fine, something happened that opened me up to the truth. I got sick with the flu. It sounds so simple, but it was the flu that was killing people this year. I was in bed for 10 days and after 6 days of fever, I truly thought I might actually die. It was then that it hit me. I am not okay. I was out of work and I found that it meant that I had nothing else to do. Without my job, I had nothing else. I had shut out my family, alienated myself from my oldest friends and I wasn’t able to be with my work friends. My job had become everything to me and without it, I felt like nothing. I registered it and felt infinitely lost all over again.
It ended with a table. I sat with a very good friend of mine when I got back to work and she wanted to talk. “Enough. Sit down, little bit”, she said. And everything I had been feeling and every mistake I had made and every last regret poured out of my mouth until I couldn’t talk anymore and it poured from my eyes instead. She listened and she sympathized and she told me what I needed to hear: “You. Are. Enough.” She hit me with the reality check - no one can make you or break you if you do not let them, so do not let them. I told her that I wasn’t letting anyone hurt me anymore, but she said “But you’re doing it by not feeling anything at all. You’ve shut everyone out and I get it. I’ve been there before. But the problem isn’t the loss, I don’t think. You don’t talk about the love anymore, but you do talk about being empty. After 6.5 years, he’s gone and now there’s this big looming question hanging over you: Who are you?”
And whoop. There it was. Who am I? I had no answer for her. And that made all the difference. I’m 28 years old and while I know what I want for my career, I cannot tell you who I am. I’ve got the basics down but the reality is that I don’t know. So here comes the fun part - I get to rediscover myself. It’s the twist in my story. Everything I thought I would have and that I wanted has gone out the window and all that is left is this giant hole. The good part is that I now have the extraordinary opportunity to discover new things to love.
I’m writing from a place of shambles. Hot. mess. shambles. I’m at a very demanding job in a giant city. I’m trying to juggle my work life with my social life. I’m swimming in student loans. I’m living with my parents and though I have my own apartment in the house, I’m struggling to share my space, surrender my privacy and adjust my lifestyle.I love to eat but I need to find the time and energy to work out cause I’m a little chunk butt. I’m annoyingly short. I’m constantly second guessing myself and like every millenial, I”m aching to satisfy my wanderlust with a bank account that should be printing me out coupons for ramen noodles every time I check the balance.
BUT, I have the most supportive family who I know is there with me through whatever; I have an incredible group of friends that welcomed me back with open arms and more understanding than I deserve; and I do have a job that I love. So here I am, sharing my life and struggle with tumblr, hoping someone finds themselves even a little understood.
This blog is about self-discovery. I’m going to share my life out. I’m going to talk about the things I love and those things I don’t and those new things I’m not sure about yet. So if you want a laugh, or learn about makeup, or check out new food or drank spots, or what to do in NYC, stick around. Maybe you’ll learn a little about yourself too. Either way, I am here to tell you that there is NO shame in starting over - no matter your age or circumstance. Cheers to living your best life, guys.
xoxo,
A <3
