I had this friend in my early twenties.
I used to call him ... nothing. His name was weird. Not a common name in my country and neither in any other country for that matter.
I tried inventing some nicknames.
It didn't work. Nothing stuck.
I have a thing about pronouncing names, I don't know why, but with him it was extra hard.
Not like It wasn't a difficult name, it wasn't a problem for other people.
But
To this day if I happen to mention him, gossiping with the girls or whatever, I look away when pronouncing... Milush.
Is that an autistic trait?
I don't know. I don't wanna know.
There is one specific reason I remember this person for. I want to share it, because it's something I look up to, it's something I want to be. For so many years I've been failing, but I'm still trying. It still comes to my mind every once in a while as a reminder that it is possible.
Besides my dad, Milush was the only person I've ever known who backed up his words with his actions, every single time.
He is living by the belief that a person is only worth as much as their word.
He wouldn't promise anything he can't deliver. Even if there was an inconvenience, he would stick to the plan and not let you down. At his expense. He would just simply say "I promised". And there is that.
He would not promise things easily, he would not agree on anything he was not certain, he would be hard to convince, but when he would - then you know he's locked in.
I can't express how unique and rare this is to find in a person.
I'm not like this. I wish I was.
The real reason why this is so important to me ...
He was the first person to tell me that I'm strong and I believed him.
I believed it with my gut, I engraved it in my brain. So that years later, when I remind myself I'm strong, I don't hear my sister's voice, or my mom's or my other friends, or my ex husband with whom I've spent 10 years AFTER ...
I only hear Milush telling me
on the phone
2 hours long talk
That I'm strong.
And damn I believed that.
Isn't that a bit sad?
I wish I could replace this voice. I wish I could replace it with someone present in my life.
But it's not how it works.
And I wish I was like that for my kids or .. anyone honestly. I wish my words were also that powerful. I wish I could tell someone "you got this!" and was not just filling the air with sound waves. I wish my words mattered .
But it's not how it works.
I need to learn to say "no" first. Not "we'll see", just plain "no". I need to learn to be real with myself and then everyone else.
I want to fill my damn words with meaning.
In the end ... this is who I am.