#rayswords

[zoraiya]

Are you a child born of spite?

I see that picture that applauds women for carrying a baby for 9 months inside her, carrying the baby in her arms for a the first year, and then loving you the rest of her life...but how many of us are out there that experienced all of the above, but with no love?

I was born to spite my father. He never wanted anymore children after his first marriage. My mother admits she forced an “accidental” pregnancy because she wanted a child. My father pleaded for an abortion because he just wasn’t ready.

I was born to trap my father in to “growing up” and becoming more responsible. All I remember is the isolation, his annoyance towards my existence, and my parents fighting over who was supposed to take care f me next.

I was born to give my mom attention. If her family didn’t show her love, if her husband declared his hate for her, I was there for her to cuddle when she wanted it, to play with if she was lonely, to be told to say “I love you, mommy” when she was sad so that the sadness didn’t turn to anger and suddenly I was getting beat for forgetting to put my empty glass in the sink.

I was born for selfish purposes and resented for my existence because I didn’t magically fix the problems my parents were going through. So I was pushed to the side and forced to care for 3 younger siblings that were born after me, all of whom were also created to try and “fix” a marital problem we couldn’t understand.

My dreams did not matter while I grew up. My hobbies were useless and annoying. My desires were shot down and I was taught to feel wrong and guilty for ever asking for anything outside of my basic necessities. I still remember saving money meticulously and accruing $129 all on my own. And my mother took my piggy bank, broke it, and counted out my money in front of me so she could pay her debt. I was only 7 at the time.

If you were born of spite, you are not alone. We are worth more than what our parents made us out to believe. We will take back our lives and we will become better than our parents ever were. Please don’t give up.

[zoraiya]

So I just thought of a short story about a girl that wanted to be a teacher when she grew up and her 4th grade teacher heavily encouraged her to do so, so she did. And the whole story is about the different students that leave such an impact on her that she remembers them fondly every now and then. Like how one wanted to be a surgeon, another wanted to own her own pet sanctuary, and how another wanted to be a famous actor one day.

Then, one new school year, there’s a student in her class that looks vaguely familiar. When she reads her roster, she realizes that familiar face has a familiar name. And as she asks the students to introduce themselves, little Susie starts gushing about how her dad saves lives by going inside people and taking out what makes them sick and one day she will too. Curly haired David proudly talks about how he and his mom rescue animals and how they just saved a bunch of snakes and birds during the summer. Red haired Raquel has a picture of her dad who is working with the Rock on a new film coming out in the fall.

And this won’t be the last time this happens. In another few years she sees the generation of children made by these kids and the joyous feeling continues every year until it’s time to retire. The principle has a surprise party planned for her at the cafeteria. As the teacher says farewell to her last class, she makes her way to the large room, wondering why her boss chose that instead of the teachers lounge. As she opens the doors she’s greeted by hundreds of voices shouting “Surprise, Ms. Alvarez!!!”

And through the sudden tears that brims her eyes she sees the very first student she ever had, their friends she also taught, their children, and their grandchildren all standing up to honor her and thank her for the priceless knowledge she bestowed upon them. One by one they each say a personal piece dedicated to her, talking about every wonderful thing this woman taught them.

Idk how to really end it but like I can’t help but feel all warm and fuzzy thinking about how it must feel to those awesome teachers out there when they see a student they taught years ago has grown up to be a grand success.

[zoraiya]

When did reblogging relatable depression/anxiety memes suddenly turn in to “glorifying mental illness”. Who’s the asshole that started that? Cuz  me reblogging those shitposts sure as fuck does not mean that I think that symptom is “cute” or “funny” in any way. It means that THAT particular post and the thousands of notes it had resonated with me that day. It means despite hearing others say they’ve felt the same way or understand what you’re going through, that one post described in absolute perfect detail something that not a single person was able to convey back to me. 

[zoraiya]

My baby sister, who has literally buried dead worms, has finally landed herself a job in a vets office and is in line to start her vet tech training soon. I'm so unbelievably proud I just had to share it with everyone that'll listen.

[zoraiya]

I don't care how flustered and incoherent I may sound: if you don't fucking let me finish saying what I'm trying to say you'll be looking at the walls of your own ass

[zoraiya]

My guardian angel said “shut the fuck up and take this bitch”

I was feeling wildly suicidal. One of the worst I’ve felt since I was discharged from the mental hospital. I was riding the bus and reading up on exotic dancing trying to hype myself up when I get a random text message.

One of the guys I met during my stay at the hospital was riding the same bus as me and recognized me. I started tearing up cuz he was one of the few people I could talk to about anything, and suddenly he was there. We just coincidentally managed to get on the same bus. I went from wanting to die to suddenly feeling like I caught a break and was given an opportunity to choose a better path for myself. Albeit, I didn’t see it at first. But I can’t help but think we were pushed in to the right moment at the right time and now I’ve got a clearer view of what I should do next.

To whatever power out there that is watching over me, I’m so sorry I let doubt cloud my thoughts and heart. This isn’t the first time I was given a clear as day message from the universe. I am forever grateful that you continue to show me what for and keep me in line.

[zoraiya]

My coworker convinced me to look in to stripping to pay the bills. She showed me pictures of her when she used to dance—a bitch made on average $700/night and often came home with more than the entirety of rent in her fishnets and apparently natural tits and ass are in high demand so like...I’m currently researching the place she used to work at and she’s going to give me the owners number and put in a good word. Only reason why she quit was because she got pregnant with her husband. She said she’s going right back when she finally can.

[zoraiya]

Look I like hearing about conspiracy theories cuz it DOES make you think outside of the box a little bit I cannot stress how absolutely painful it is to be the daughter of a woman who believes with all her heart that the Men in Black are real and that they’re aliens or at least hybrids of some sort, that the Roswell crash was a government coverup and that there was indeed an alien found at the site, and that its simple to diagnose someone with being possessed by a demon and they should always be exorcised.