Chapter Fourteen
Summary: How many men will it take to save you? To be honest, you’ve gotten pretty used to saving yourself. Even though you’re far from a delicate thing, Los Angeles is a dangerous place you can’t seem to escape no matter how hard you try. The top 7 members of Bangtan should never have crossed your path, but they soon find they’d do just about anything to help you escape your past and make it safe for you to stay. But will you?
Genre: mafia au, poly ot7, angst, some smut, honestly a lot more fluff than i expected, POC reader/oc
Warnings: lots of angst here folks. internal slutshaming and body dysmorphia, references to past forced drug use...on a lighter note, Namjoon shows his nasty side at the very beginning here...there's comfort in this too!
A/n from beastie🐾: Please be nice to Val here! She's working very hard on trying to accept herself but her doubts keep bubbling up. I will say that this is the climax of her self doubt, so from here on out we'll see her start to accept herself more and have more positive relationships with the men. 💕💕💕💕💕 Also sopebubbles 🧼 wrote all the Yoongi parts so if you want to melt and cry and scream all at the same time, that was all her doing and I did the exact same thing UGH ITS SO GOOOOD.
Word count: 9.2K
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It was still early when Namjoon heard Jungkook finally go to his bedroom next door. That was curious. Normally if Jungkook fell asleep by the pool, he’d stay there all night. Then came a second set of footsteps and hushed whispers. He’d recognize your voice anywhere. So that’s what had happened. Namjoon ignored the paperwork on the ornate, oak desk in front of him and let his mind wonder. Would you guys shower together afterwards? Jungkook had his own bathroom after all. Or maybe Jungkook would opt for the bathtub instead so you could lean against his chest as his tattooed hand found your clit under the water? Would you let him kiss away the gasps escaping your mouth as he toyed with you?
Namjoon wanted to go in and check on you, but he knew it was better to let you both sleep. No matter what kind of work out the two of you had gotten up to this morning, you probably needed it.
Namjoon hissed at his own thoughts, realizing how hard he was under his satin pajama pants. Reaching into his pants, he wished he could watch Jungkook toy with you. He wondered absently which parts of your body were the most sensitive. Maybe there was a special part of your neck that made you wet and begged to be fucked. Namjoon wondered if Jungkook was able to find those places as he began to rub the precum over the tip of his penis with his thumb. He knew how thick Jungkook’s cock was, what it was like to be held down by him. However strong Jungkook looked, in reality he was stronger. He wondered if you got to experience what it was like to be caged in Jungkook’s arms and whining for more. Maybe one day you’d tell Namjoon all about how good Jungkook feels in your pussy between soft licks to the head of his cock. Maybe he’d get to feel you moan around his cock in your throat as Jungkook took you from behind.
Namjoon was moaning now as he stroked himself slowly. Or maybe you had been bossy? Jungkook has always been so eager to please. You could have instructed him to hold still as you used his cock for your own pleasure. Not letting him touch you as you took what you wanted and left scratch marks on his chest. Would Jungkook be the one helpless to how good your pussy feels? Would he cry trying not to come before you did? Would he tell you over and over how good you feel clenching around him? Maybe Namjoon could hold Jungkook while you fucked him. Namjoon knew how sensitive Jungkook’s nipples were. Did you find that out too? Maybe Namjoon could pinch and twist his nipples, nibbling Jungkook’s ears from behind as you had your way with him? Both you and Namjoon could tell Jungkook that he was a good boy. Namjoon knew that being called a good boy made Jungkook reach orgasm impossibly fast. What if he came too early? Getting you wet with his seed before you had even come? Would you let Namjoon finish the job? Would you call Namjoon Daddy as he pushed Jungkook’s seed back inside you with his fingers to keep you messy for him? Would you let Namjoon come inside too? Spasming around his cock and calling out for him as remnants of both him and Jungkook were kept inside you? Would you let Namjoon’s cock go soft inside you, letting you fall asleep on Daddy’s chest?
“Fuuuck,” Namjoon cursed as his orgasm hit him without warning. He slumped in his chair, feeling exhausted before realizing that he got cum all over his pajamas. “Shit.”
He changed his clothes quickly, feeling gross about his fantasies as he did so. Jungkook accepted Namjoon the way he was, but he wasn’t sure if you ever would. Somehow it seemed wrong to even think of you in such a way without your permission. And in hindsight, Namjoon didn’t even know if you and Jungkook had even slept together. Maybe you were training and needed something from his room. Namjoon couldn’t remember ever wanting someone so physically before. At least since he and Jungkook had gotten together.
He knew he wasn’t the only one in Bangtan that was falling for you. He had seen the way his most trusted men desired you. Especially Yoongi, who looked at you with a special kind of softness he had never seen from his hyung before.
He pulled away from his depraved thoughts and started to focus on the events of last night, worrying instead for his friend who had been shot. It was unusual for Hoseok to make mistakes during a mission like this. There had to have been something that made him act reckless. Or maybe the cops had been aware he was there? No. That was near impossible. Nobody Namjoon had ever met matched Hoseok’s level of stealth. There was no way they should have seen him coming.
“I want to hold him, Joon,” Seokjin blinked up at his leader, eyes glistening. “I want to hold him so bad, but he looks so small and fragile and…”
When Namjoon entered Yoongi’s clinic, Seokjin was already there, holding Hoseok’s hand softly and trying to keep from falling asleep. The steady beeping of monitors made the clinic seem like a real hospital room. Hoseok looked to be a shadow of himself as he lay on the bed, pale and unmoving. Seokjin startled when he heard Namjoon approach.
“How long have you been awake?” Namjoon asked, placing a comforting hand on his hyung’s shoulder.
“I don’t know,” Seokjin sighed. “Yoongi tried to get me to sleep in a guest room, but I kept imagining…” Seokjin didn’t finish the sentence. Namjoon didn’t have to see the older man’s face to know he was barely keeping himself together. Namjoon squeezed his shoulder in understanding.
“You better lay down and rest,” Seokjin admonished, pulling himself off of Namjoon and wiping his eyes.
Namjoon got to his knees, allowing Seokjin to drape over his shoulders as he pulled the older into a hug. Moments like this were rare with Seokjin, who despite his carefree demeanor was always calculated in how he presented himself. There were many times when Seokjin had been the only person that Namjoon had felt like he could open up to, so he was glad to return the favor as he held his hyung.
“You guys are acting like we’re called Bangtan for nothing,” Hoseok grumbled, hoarse and wincing as he tried to sit himself up in the bed. The monitors started beeping a little faster.
“The pain meds are wearing off,” Yoongi advised, going into his cabinet for more morphine. “You broke two ribs, you know.”
“I rest easier when you’re holding my hand,” Hoseok admitted, reaching out for Seokjin who happily obliged. Hoseok settled back down on the bed with a content hum, Seokjin placing a kiss on the top of his head.
“Is everything okay?” There was no hiding the grogginess of Yoongi’s voice as he stepped in. He also had trouble sleeping last night, thoughts a confusing swirl of desire and fear. He had just exhausted himself to the point of falling asleep when he heard the monitoring system in his room spike and he rushed to his clinic.
“I’m okay, hyung,” Hoseok’s voice was still hoarse, but he smiled nonetheless. “Breathing hurts more than I remember though.”
“Is that all?” Hoseok joked, making Seokjin laugh next to him.
“Actually,” Namjoon started. “Before you give that to him, Yoongi, I was wondering if Hoseok could tell us what happened yesterday.”
Hoseok squeezed Seokjin’s hand and closed his eyes, thinking back to the night before.
“I just lost my footing on the catwalk, hyung, that’s all. I was waiting for them to finish the job and then…” Hoseok made a whistling noise to indicate his falling.
“Is there something wrong with the catwalk? Do we need to have it fixed? I don’t want other people getting hurt.”
“I’m sure it’s fine, I was just clumsy.”
Yoongi cleared his throat behind them, “I do think it’s best that my patient isn’t in any discomfort right now.”
“It’s just that you’re normally not that clumsy and everyone has direct orders not to rush an attack unless one of us is threatened, so I just want to make sure…”
“Namjoon,” it was Seokjin who spoke, a harshness in his eyes that he leveled at his leader. “Let it go.”
Something wasn’t sitting right with Namjoon, but he took Seokjin’s advice. His priority was his men’s wellbeing and he definitely didn’t want Hoseok to be in any pain, “I’m sorry,” Namjoon sighed, shaking his head. “You’re right, it’s not important and I’m out of line. I hope you feel better, Hobi.”
Hoseok hummed a quiet appreciation, eyes still closed, his energy fading again as his body worked hard to heal him.
By midmorning, Namjoon decided he should go to Jungkook’s room. There was no sign of either of you in the house, and Namjoon knew that if he let the man sleep too late, he'd be grumpy. He wasn't entirely surprised to see that Jungkook was already awake. It was a little more shocking to see you dozing on Jungkook's chest. He had heard about your new-found cuddliness, but seeing it with his own eyes was something else. Jungkook raised a finger to his lips after he locked eyes with his lover, while his other hand rested gently against his shoulder.
As softly as possible, Namjoon padded to the end of Jungkook's bed and sat carefully. His hand rested only inches from where he could see the lump of your foot. You were so close but so far away and he ached to be able to lay a gentle and reassuring hand on your body, even over the covers. Even such a small amount of intimacy seemed impossible, though you'd shared more with so many of his men. Jin might be the only other man to not have touched you since he met you. But he could wait until you were ready and gave him your permission.
"How is she?" Namjoon asked, hardly more than mouthing the words. Jungkook merely gave him a soft, satisfied smile back. One Namjoon was very familiar with.
"Did you…?" Namjoon wondered, trying to tone down the lasciviousness of his question out of respect for you, but Jungkook knew it was there, under the surface, speaking from the desirous light in his eyes. Jungkook would know just how much his lover wanted you even if he hadn't ever said anything, and he had. Before he could make any kind of answer, you began to stir, nudging your nose against his chest as you muttered his name.
"Good morning again, beautiful," Jungkook grins at you, and you return a hazy smile.
"Did I drool on you?" You asked, remembering the last time you woke up on someone's chest, but still too sleepy to feel embarrassed, yet.
"I don't know, but Joon has a spit kink, so you should let him check."
None of Jungkook's words made sense to you. Why would he bring up Namjoon? You rubbed your eyes and yawned, and as you turned slightly away from Jungkook, stretching your legs out, your foot met a solid object. Your eyes flew open as you sat up in the huge bed. Your breath got caught in your throat when you saw the leader perched at the foot of the bed, watching you in perfect calm. You clutched the sheets to your chest, but you were anything but naked. You and Jungkook had both changed into clean shirts and sweatpants before you'd snuggled up together.
"What are you doing here?" You sputtered.
Namjoon instantly regretted startling you. He should have waited for you to be ready, or not been so close, or looked more disinterested. But it was too late.
"It's okay, Val. I'm sorry I surprised you. I just came to check on Jungkook and see how you two were doing."
You relaxed slightly, but your confusion grew. "Jungkook's okay, isn't he?" You looked him over. You hadn't noticed if he'd gotten any wounds yesterday that went unaddressed. You had seen his whole naked body just hours ago, and he was the very picture of health. "Is there something to be worried about?"
Jungkook smirked and brushed a bit of hair over your shoulder, allowing his fingers to give just a little bit of pressure, so you could feel him touch you and know he wanted to. "I'm perfectly fine, Val. Joonie just knows I don't usually sleep so late, so he came to make sure everything is alright. Didn't you?"
"Right." The man nodded.
"You guys sure do know a lot about each other's habits." You chuckled awkwardly.
The men shared a look. The elder opened and closed his mouth several times before he could decide what to say.
"Val, do you know Kookie and I are lovers?"
Your thoughts came to a screeching halt before picking up again in a rush. Were all the men in Bangtan in these types of relationships? With each other? What did it mean that first Taehyung and now Jungkook had slept with you. To be honest, your grasp of human sexuality was limited and your experience of relationships even moreso. But none of that really mattered to you at the moment except—Was Namjoon mad at you now?
You were moving off the bed before you could complete that thought, much less reason your way through it. If you had slept with Namjoon's lover and Namjoon was mad at you now, you could imagine what would come next, and it wasn't going to be cruel. You dashed toward the door of Jungkook’s room, swung it open and crossed into your own room, slamming the door behind you in a flash.
The boys looked at each other with concern, but reacted slowly, each thinking through their own ways of how to reach and reassure you.
Namjoon reached your door first, Jungkook a step or two behind him, but he hesitated. Going into Jungkook's room, where he had an open invitation was one thing. Knowing now how much the news of their relationship had scared you, he felt an overwhelming sense of guilt at seeing you so vulnerable and at peace, intimately holding his lover in the way he craved being held by both of you. Feeling like he had already crossed a boundary, he couldn’t justify going into your room without your permission. It conflicted with every principle he stood for.
Jungkook, however, couldn't bear watching Namjoon torture himself. He knew Namjoon cared a lot about privacy and personal space and boundaries. But Jungkook had an uncommon sense of which boundaries needed to be pushed and when. And right now he knew you were under some kind of misapprehension that could only be corrected if he could see you and talk to you. He knocked on the door and called out to you.
"Val, everything is okay. I'm going to come in so I can show you that everything is fine," he warned before he gripped the handle and found it was unlocked.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" You wept as you crouched into a corner between the bed frame and the night stand. "I didn't know!"
Jungkook gave a worried look to Namjoon, who looked completely gutted by your reaction. Seeing you making yourself small and covering your face as if to protect yourself broke his heart and crushed his hopes. Had he not done enough to show you he would never, ever hurt you?
Jungkook got low as he came toward you, his hands open and visible, but relaxed. He crouched in front of your trembling figure before he spoke. "Val, no one is going to hurt you. No one is upset." A beat passed, but you didn't relax. "Can we talk? We'll explain, and you'll see that everything is okay."
You looked anxiously at Jungkook and then up at Namjoon, but not to his face. You couldn't. You looked back at your knees and remained tense. The man closest to you frowned and turned back to the one still in the door. Jungkook motioned for him to get down. It was impossible for Namjoon not to look big, but looming over you wasn't going to help matters. He squatted and moved a few feet into the room before sitting on the ground, still quite a distance away from you and Jungkook.
"I didn't know he was yours," you muttered with a glance in his general direction.
Jungkook chuckles lightly. "That's not your fault. We're good at being discreet, even at home. And just because I'm his and he's mine, doesn't mean anyone is mad. You did nothing wrong. No one is going to punish you or hurt you."
"I won't allow it, even for myself. I'll never hurt you, Val. I swear it." Namjoon's voice was steady and earnest.
You released a small amount of your tension, so that you weren't holding yourself quite so tightly, and leaned back against the side of your bed. You studied your knees for a moment as you tried to breathe. It was clear they wanted to talk, which was not something you had ever been good at, so you tried to sort through your thoughts. Luckily, neither of the men rushed you through the uncomfortable silence, allowing your initial fear to subside. Finally, your gaze slid up to Jungkook's face.
"Why did you fuck me? I didn't force you!" You winced at your accusatory tone. You couldn't blame him, not when this was your mess. "Did I?" You questioned more doubtfully, quietly.
Jungkook's face fell and he had to restrain himself from reaching out to touch you, any part of you. "No, Val, you didn't. I did it because you wanted me to and I wanted to. And I'd do it again, any time you wanted to. It was fun and amazing and it felt like a privilege."
Tears blurred your vision and slipped down your cheeks when you turned your eyes to look at Namjoon. "I don't understand." It was nothing more than a whimper.
"Val, why don't you sit on the bed and get comfortable so we can answer your questions?" Namjoon's voice was gentle, which only served to confuse you further.
But your knees were beginning to ache, so you crawled up to sit in the very middle of the king size mattress that had always felt much too big and empty for you alone. You took one of the pillows and hugged it to your chest. You made sure to sit away from the headboard so you would have room to run if you needed it, but they were still between you and the door anyway. Once you were settled, curled around your pillow, the men shared a strained look and both rose to their feet. Namjoon could tell just by looking at you and the distant gaze in your eyes getting further away that he was going to have to strike a very fine balance between letting you sort through your thoughts and letting you get lost in them.
"Can we sit, Val?"
Your head jerked up at his question and you met Namjoon's eyes for the first time. "It's your house. Your bed. You can sit wherever you want."
"This room is yours. And wherever you are, your personal space is yours. I will always need your permission to enter it, even if we someday know each other well enough that I don't need to ask, you can always take that permission away and ask me to leave. Do you understand?"
You closed your eyes tight, forcing residual tears from the waterline, so you buried your face in the pillow, muttering to yourself, "tonta, idiota que no entienda nada." But you never felt the weight on the bed shift, so you grunted out loudly, "sit!"
Jungkook sat cross-legged like you, close enough for his knee to touch you, needing a tiny bit of contact that could seem accidental, even if Namjoon might chastise him for his carelessness. But you didn't react and neither did the leader. Namjoon placed himself closer to the edge of the bed, but far enough inside that his feet hung off it, floating in mid air. When he reclined himself, laying on his side and his head propped on his hand, he was below you. This way he was able to see your face even if you wouldn't raise your head.
"Can you tell us what's confusing you, so we can help?" Namjoon asked gently. For a moment you didn't move or speak, too overwhelmed by the sheer number of things you didn't understand. "It doesn't matter what it is. Ask us anything and we will give you an answer if we can. Whatever it is, you don't need to be ashamed."
Your stomach twisted at the word. You felt you had more than enough to be ashamed about, and verbalizing it to them seemed like too much. But you tried to sort through the hundreds of questions buzzing like bees inside your head.
"You never act like how you should," you finally uttered. That was the root of the problem with him, or at least one of them. You expected worse of him that he gave you, and it confused you every time.
"How should I act?"
You sighed. "Everything here is yours. Everything in this house belongs to you. Everyone here is under your control. But you ask permission. You never get mad. You don't…" there was a list of actions you knew he could take at any given moment, but they were so foreign from him that you couldn't even speak them. "You speak and act gently and I get confused."
Namjoon felt another painful twinge upon the fault line you had been tearing in his heart for weeks. "No one belongs to me, Val. Not Jungkook and certainly not you. I love Jungkook but he is free to do anything he likes, even you, or anyone else. If he wants to leave, it would break my heart, but he can and there isn't a person on earth who I would let stop him. You expect me to control everything here, just because I can, but that isn't the man I am or ever want to be. I know," Namjoon paused to take a deeper breath, choosing his words carefully. "I know what kind of men you're used to. That's the kind of man my father was. He needed to control the people around him. He wanted to be feared and obeyed. He thought it made him powerful. But I think real power only comes from controlling yourself, not others. So you can always be in control of yourself here."
Your head shook. He was confusing you again. "But you asked first. Can't you just do what you want?"
"Those aren't the same thing. My control ends where yours begins. I can hold myself back from doing anything I want for your sake. Because if I did whatever I wanted, we would be having this conversation with you in my lap."
At that you let out a strangled squeak. Jungkook laughed, a broad smile stretching his lips as he looked between you and Namjoon. "I think maybe she likes the sound of that, hyung."
Namjoon smiled back at him. "Me, too, but that's probably a bit much for today. You can hold onto Jungkook though, if you'd like."
You looked cautiously at Jungkook. He turned his palm up on his knee in case you would like to take his hand. But you didn't. You tugged the pillow tighter to your chest and looked at the bed spread in front of you. Jungkook tried not to feel hurt by the rejection.
"There's something else I'm confused about." Neither man said anything but waited patiently for you to continue. "You two have sex together, and Jimin and Tae have sex, but you and Tae both had sex with me. Is it…is it because I'm kind of…"
"Manly?" Jungkook's voice was thick with amusement and you whined. He barked a laugh and knocked his body into yours, his arm going around your waist. "No, Val! It's 'cause you're hot!"
"But you like men!"
"And women! And sex in general. I'm bisexual, if you wanna put a label on it, and so are Namjoon and Taehyung."
"So you don't like me because I look like a man?" You still couldn't look at him.
"You look very much like a woman to me. Where would you get an idea like that?"
Painful memories and words from Joaquin repeated in your head from your boxing days. Years of steroids made your shoulders square and your muscles defined. Your hair grew in unsightly places more easily than you imagined most women did. Your voice had never quite lost the roughness it gained while you were forced to take injections. Your breasts were small, your clit was large…there was so much about you that seemed out of place with being a woman. Now that you were more in control of your image, you worked hard at trying to maintain a soft, feminine figure but some days it felt like nothing you ever did was enough to hide what was once your reality. And these men who liked other men…did they only like you because they thought you looked like a man too?
Namjoon could see the distraction in your eyes even if he didn't know the direction of your thoughts. He wouldn't push you to tell him where you got that idea. Not today. But he wanted to bring you back and not let you get lost. He nudged Jungkook with his large foot and when the boy looked up at him with his soft doe eyes, he nodded in your direction.
Jungkook cleared his throat. "Well, whatever you think, I'm attracted to you. I have been since I first saw you, and Namjoon has always known it. He doesn't mind at all."
"Why not?" You interjected, looking at Namjoon.
"Because the way I love Kookie is by respecting his choices and his right to do as he pleases."
"But don't you feel jealous or possessive? Aren't you mad at all that we had sex?"
Namjoon shook his head. "Love doesn't mean that I own him. And it doesn't mean that he can only desire me or that I can satisfy his needs. And I –" he paused a moment to choose his words, to decide if it was right to say them. "If I'm jealous of anything, it's that he got to sleep with you. But I'm not upset."
"Why would you be jealous of that?"
Your ignorance was endearing, even if it bordered on the unbelievable. "Because he wants to fuck you, too, beautiful," Jungkook whispered to you while his eyes watched Namjoon close enough to see the shiver that ran through the man at the mention of you and him together.
Your head snapped to face him. "You do?"
Namjoon swallowed, recalling his fantasy from earlier. He couldn't seem to stop thinking of ways he wanted to fuck you. "I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about it." His voice remained casual, as if it wasn't shocking news to you, as if he wasn't beginning to feel hot. "I'd like to have sex with both of you, together."
"Now?" You asked, louder than you meant.
Namjoon couldn't help an amused and endeared smile.
"No, honey, not now. But some time, if you feel like you want that, I would be very into that. I think I could make you feel good. I want to watch you and Jungkook make each other feel good. But only if you want it too."
Your head felt a little hazy at the thought of being with the two men already on your bed, wrapped up in sweaty, mindless passion. But they weren't the only ones in your thoughts. There was still Tae, and Yoongi, who you hadn't done more than kiss with but still your body ached for him. "But what about the…"
"The what, baby?" The pet name slipped thoughtlessly from his lips, Namjoon’s mind too filled with affection for you and determined for you to know it, so he wouldn't correct himself.
"The others," you finished quietly, and lowered your face in shame.
Formly speaking, Namjoon knew you had a point. It wasn’t an explicit discussion his men had gone over yet. They would certainly need to, just in case anyone was harboring possessive feelings. But truth be told, even if one of them felt entitled to you over the others, he wouldn’t allow it. He would only allow what you wanted, and if you wanted them all, then that’s what you should have. He thought of Taehyung and his reckless bravado when he first started dating you. Maybe he would feel jealous, but somewhere in Namjoon’s heart he could tell his adopted brother was changing.The way he no longer demanded to be part of your space was a sign of his changing attitude and if any residual entitlement lingered, Namjoon would make it clear to Taehyung that any relationship that happened with you had to be your choice. He certainly didn’t mind the idea of you being with Jungkook or Yoongi or Hoseok or any of the other men as long as you were happy. As long as they respected you and you felt safe. Namjoon felt sure that the men he trusted most in the world would also feel this way.
“We’ll talk to them,” the leader assured you. “But please understand that our feelings are authentic. It’s not my place to confess for other people, but when you hear how special you are to us, please don’t second guess our feelings. That hurts way more than thinking about you and Jungkook together ever could.” Namjoon wanted to scoot closer to you and lay his head on your lap. If only you could see how desperately he was at your mercy.
“I’ll…try,” you stammered, lifting your head off your pillow so you could face Namjoon. His eyes were kind and pleading and despite yourself you wanted to believe that everything he was telling you was true. It was just… “It’s hard,” you choked back a sob. “I don’t have anything to offer you.”
Namjoon sat up at this, scooting closer but still not touching you. “Caring for someone is not grounded in what you can offer them,” he explained.
Jungkook laughed tenderly, “Yeah, it’s not like we’re hoping to get your family’s plumpest pig in exchange for your hand in marriage.”
You knocked your shoulder into Jungkook’s, groaning at his comment, “You know what I mean.”
“Not really,” Jungkook mused. “We’re happy to have you here and that’s enough. What could you possibly offer us that’s better than that?”
“I’m happy here too,” you admitted. You were scared to death to say these words out loud, but there it was. A truth you couldn’t escape. You were happy living at the Bangtan house and it made everything you wanted after that feel greedy and vile. Their kindness alone bordered on too much, but you didn’t know how to explain this to the two men on your bed.
“Val,” Namjoon said, refocusing your attention. “There is no match you have to fight, or mission you have to complete or role you must take on to prove you’re worthy of being here. You are enough.”
Namjoon was so close and you desperately wanted to be held by him, no longer wanting to lose yourself in your thoughts or needing space. If his words were true, why wasn’t he holding you tight so you felt safe in his arms?
With a giggle you let yourself melt into the men who, even for just a moment, let you believe you could maybe be enough.
Jungkook sensed your thoughts, leaning over to whisper in your ear, “You have to ask.”
“Namjoon,” You pleaded. “Can you hold me please?”
“Of course, baby.” And just like that you were in his lap, his arms wrapped around you and chin resting gently on the top of your head. It thrilled the large man to feel how tiny you were in his arms, like he could protect you from anything. You sighed happily, feeling warmth spread through your body as Namjoon nuzzled into your hair. Jungkook smiled fondly at the sight, scooting closer to rest his head on Namjoon’s shoulder.
Your doubts began to fade away as you felt your breath sync up with Namjoon’s. A part of you knew they’d be back, but if your happiness was fleeting then you would have to soak up every moment for everything it offered. You heard Jungkook hum happily above you, and you glanced up to see Namjoon kissing him softly. You couldn’t help the whine that escaped you, making the men break apart and turn their attention to you. Their beauty was overwhelming, making your cheeks heat as you took them in upclose. Jungkook, already so good at reading what you wanted, leaned down to place a gentle kiss on your lips, so much more chaste than the ones you had shared earlier but it left you wanting more.
“Your turn, hyung,” Jungkook instructed, pulling away to leave room for Namjoon. Your heart was beating heavily in your chest as Namjoon lifted your chin to face him, reminding you again of how his size compared to yours. He did all but close the distance, breath ghosting over your lips for an extra moment before you could no longer take it and pressed your lips to his. You twisted in his lap, wanting to feel more of him, but he pulled away.
“Baby, I’m thrilled you want this, too,” Namjoon confessed. “But I want to take my time with you and right now, feeling you lay against me is enough.” As if they sensed you pouting, they snuggled into each side of your neck making you squeal and squirm. “Let us savor this,” Namjoon mouthed against your neck.
Even though Namjoon and Jungkook had been reassuring about your place in the household, you had asked to spend some time alone today to try to piece some of your thoughts together. It was easy to feel comforted when they were pressed against you and quieting your insecurities, but you also needed to figure out what all this meant for you too. For that reason, you told the men not to count you in for dinner that evening.
Jungkook took his seat at the dinner table uneasily as Jimin and Taehyung finished setting the table. Tae picked up one of the dining chairs and moved it against the wall, leaving a space at the table just as Jin brought Hobi to the table in a wheelchair.
"Did you tell Val that dinner is ready?" Yoongi asked as everyone else settled into their chairs, yet the seat between him and Hoseok remained vacant.
Jungkook cleared his throat nervously and glanced at Namjoon, who gave him a soft smile and an almost imperceptible nod of encouragement.
"Val isn't joining us tonight. I told her dinner was ready," he added as Yoongi looked like he was going to jump in. "But she asked for some time alone, and as you know, what Val wants, Val gets."
Jungkook glanced at the leader, whose authority backed him up. "As long as she doesn't hurt herself," Namjoon added with an understanding look at Yoongi.
The doctor's hands clenched into fists under the table, but he could only be angry and frustrated with himself. He should have gone to you already and tried to fix things from last night. To tell you that everything was okay, and he was sorry, and he wouldn't kiss you again if that's what you wanted. But he should also tell you that he would like to do it again, that he loves you. He should go and tell you everything that was in his heart. But you wanted to be alone and it was all his—
"I want to be upfront with you guys." Jungkook's voice was very close to trembling as he broke through Yoongi's spinning thoughts. The youngest man's eyes looked from Yoongi across the table and then to Taehyung at his side, then down to his plate. "Val and I had sex. This morning. It was spontaneous, but it was what she asked for and obviously what I wanted. Joon and I talked to her about how our relationship works, and how we feel about her. We think—we hope—she understood. She just needs a little time to…take it all in."
Namjoon squeezed his lover's hand under the table and gave Jungkook the courage to look up at his hyungs. Around the table, Jimin and Hoseok sat opposite each other with twin looks of exhilarated shock, their mouths hanging wide open as they looked at their maknae. Jin wore an amused smile, trying to keep in a chuckle.
When he looked to his right, Jungkook expected to see anger, or a look of betrayal, but Taehyung was calm. Not like an angry, calm before the storm, ready to explode calm, but a resigned one. Taehyung had understood weeks ago that all of them would care for you. Maybe he'd even feared that months ago and had kept you away. The way things stood now, he didn't feel any claim to you, at least not one he deserved. And if it was really what you wanted, like Jungkook said, what else could there be to the matter?
At once everyone's eyes shifted over to Yoongi. The silence was fraught and seemed to have lasted for minutes, even though it had only been seconds. Yoongi's expression was opaque. Although Yoongi was never considered an expressive man by any of them, there wasn't a single man at the table who doubted that he was entirely in love with you. They expected to see jealousy, but Yoongi only appeared thoughtful.
Hundreds of questions yelled inside Yoongi's brain at once, he could hear only a few of them. Had you truly wanted Jungkook? Did he treat you well? Did you enjoy yourself? Are you okay? Did you need anything? He even had a few questions for Jungkook. Did you take care of her? Is she as incredible as I imagine? What's it like to have her in your arms?
A question asked itself but he pushed it away. What does this mean for us?
He settled for, "did you use protection?"
Jungkook smiled in spite of himself and turned a light shade of pink as he looked at his plate. "Of course, Yoongi hyung."
"And she's okay?"
"Yeah, a little in her head, but she seemed good."
"Good. Food's getting cold." Yoongi stood to ladle soup into Namjoon's bowl. The others quickly began to remark on the dishes in front of them and handed their bowls to the man, anxious to make noise before the tension could return.
As night fell, your thoughts took a turn for the worst and there was no hope of sleeping. Again. How could you sleep at night when you'd behaved so badly in the previous 24 hours? Even after Namjoon's explanation of poly relationships, even though the boss himself had been pleased that you'd slept with his boyfriend, even if Jungkook treated you more affectionately than any other human ever had done, you were certain you must still be an intolerable slut. The kind of love and trust and openness that Namjoon had described to you sounded, frankly, lovely. And even putting your transgression the previous night with Yoongi aside—you knew, or at least you were pretty sure, that Yoongi would be forgiving about your behavior, because he was much too good a person to hold it against you. Even without that, you weren't a lovely enough person to participate in that kind of love. You were something different from these men. You had been incredibly wary of them initially—you would never admit to being frightened—assuming that they were the kind of men you had known in this life before. But each day you spent with Bangtan only proved they weren't your sort at all. They were something different entirely. And accepting as they might be, you did not belong. You sullied them with your presence. Every moment you remained brought more and more disgrace upon them. No matter what Namjoon or Jungkook would try to make you believe, the reality was you were not enough.
You were sliding out from between the expensive sheets of your borrowed bed before you even completed the thought. Your duffle bag sat at the bottom of the mostly empty closet between the bedroom and bathroom, and you quickly stuffed it full of everything you owned. The same way it had been when you entered this house. It only took you a few minutes to remove your clothes from the drawers and hangers. You shoved in the dirty clothes from the hamper, too. Jungkook, you noticed, did laundry frequently and had taken your items without asking on a few occasions—not that you minded. He hadn't had time to get to it today.
You had heard Jungkook's door close half an hour ago while you tossed and turned. You had wanted, briefly, to go back into his room and ask to sleep with him again, but you couldn't. Was that where your thoughts had begun to spiral down? The desire crept over your again as you stood with your bag hanging over your shoulder. You stared at the door knob. It seemed to be waiting for you to reach out and turn it. But you couldn't.
The house was quiet and you could hear Jin's snores at the other end of the hallway. Something within you ached for the fact that you wouldn't get to know that man any better. He was still a mystery to you and so he would remain. Perhaps he would simply be relieved that you were out of their way and out of their lives when you were gone. Perhaps Jimin would feel the same way, in spite of the friendship that has recently begun to blossom between you two. You'd even miss him, you thought as you stood between the door to the basement and the one to Yoongi's clinic.
You just wanted to check on Hoseok, you told yourself. You hadn't been to visit him all day because you were avoiding Yoongi, but you wanted to assure yourself he was alive and on the mend before you left the mansion. Hoseok laid in the hospital bed in the corner of the room just as still and peaceful looking as he had last night, when you kissed Yoongi. Something tempted you to touch him, and you couldn't resist the way your finger extended to trace the edge of his hand.
Yoongi's eyes opened the moment your foot stepped down the first stair. Since you'd moved into the house, he had become keenly attuned to your steps. They were so different from the others, lighter even when you weren't trying. Maybe that's why they were so easy to pick up, why he always knew when you were moving about the house and where you were going.
Perhaps it was just that he'd been wondering when you would make a run for it since the day you'd come and told them who you really were. Running was part of who you were, wasn't it? He didn't need to be attuned to you to anticipate such an action. The possibility had been on his mind since the moment you'd rushed out after he kissed you. Whatever Jungkook and Namjoon said, he'd been wondering since he heard the news if this would overwhelm you. He hated himself for pushing you so close to the edge before you were ready. The others would probably forgive him, but would he forgive himself?
No.
He was already getting out of bed when he heard the door to his clinic open. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe you were coming to see him. Maybe you needed him.
Maybe you were just coming to say goodbye.
"I'm sorry, Hoseok. You wouldn't have been hurt if not for me. I hope you won't be hurt again," Yoongi heard you whisper faintly as you ran your finger gently over the back of Hoseok's hand. "I'll miss you."
Yoongi hung back in the shadow of his open bedroom door—left ajar in case his patient needed him in the night—and watched you for a moment. He felt as though maybe he wasn't quite awake, as if a new dream came to him. He could see himself getting in a car with you and stealing away into the night. The tired trope of running off to Mexico wouldn't do. Your enemy had too many connections there, so Yoongi would drive you north to Canada. From there, the two of you could go anywhere. He would take you everywhere you had ever wanted to go and places you hadn't dreamed of, too. And he would keep you safe and healthy. He would kiss you like he had last night and not feel an ounce of guilt because both of you would be happy.
But before him, in his clinic, you were turning away, so Yoongi couldn't stay in the shadows.
"Will you miss me, too?" he found himself asking as he stepped into the room. Your hand was already on the doorknob but you turned back slowly to look at him.
"I might miss you most," you answered softly, and his heart clenched.
"You don't have to go." He walked forward to close the distance between you. "If you're leaving because of me, because I kissed you last night, you don't have to. I'll behave. I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable."
You let out a small pained sound. "Oppa, you didn't make me uncomfortable. I'm the one who was wrong. I have to leave because I'm wrong."
"You aren't. You couldn't be." There was almost a whine to his voice, but he couldn't be bothered to feel embarrassed.
"Yoongi." Your head bowed and your eyes fell to the floor as you said his name. Were they tears you were trying to hide from him? "You should be mad at me."
"Why should I be?" He asked, unthinkingly lifting your chin with his hand so he could see your watery eyes.
"I did something," you whispered, and you were barely holding back your tears.
Yoongi looked at you evenly, determined to be steady for both of you. "Do you mean having sex with Jungkook?"
Your eyes flickered to his as your breath hitched in your throat. "You know."
"We all know. You couldn't think Jungkook was going to keep that to himself." He forced his voice to stay light.
"I'm so sorry, Yoongi."
"For what? Did you want to have sex with Jungkook?" He wondered, tone free on any kind of inflection that might indicate judgement.
A small whine came from your throat before you could speak. "I did," you admitted, heart heavy with shame. "I really did. But I really wanted to kiss you, too. I want to do it again. And that's just wrong, isn't it? You at least must want me to go, right?"
Were you thinking of Taehyung as your eyes drifted away along with your thoughts of the others? He'd taken it surprisingly well, Yoongi thought. No anger or jealousy from the younger man, merely resignation, as if he expected everyone else to want you. Yoongi brought your thoughts back to him with a hand to your cheek.
"Is that what you think? Is that what Namjoon told you?"
You shook your head. Not in negation, but as if to clear it, recalling that Namjoon was yet another man you wanted in this house, further proof of how disgusting you were and how you couldn’t accept this. Then your eyes set hard, a look of determination Yoongi had come to recognize settling in your irises. "Namjoon says a lot of things. Maybe they're true for him. But that doesn't mean they are for me."
Yoongi nodded. "Namjoon's ways aren't right for everyone, it's true. But do you think it's because you can't love like that? Or because you don't deserve love like that?"
You scoffed, pulling yourself away from him. He almost had you, almost pulled you in. But when would you ever make it that easy? "Don't ask me about love! Do you think I know anything about love? What it is or how to deserve it? Because I don't! Could you love me like that?"
The question caught him off guard, but only because of the earnestness with which you asked it. Even if you didn't realize you were looking for an answer, you needed it. "Yes, I could," he replied honestly.
"How?"
"Because I would be honored if you let me show you any kind of love. Because I want to show you the best, most tender kind of love, the kind I've never wanted to give to anyone before. I could love you and let everyone else love you too because you do deserve it. I wouldn't ever need to be jealous because there would be no room for anything but happiness if I could see you let yourself be loved by anyone."
A moment passed while his words hung in the air between your heavy breaths.
"Don't go, Val. I know I have no right to ask. Your freedom is yours to take, and if you want I'll drive you out of LA and as far as you want to go tonight. But don't go because you feel guilty or ashamed or because you think you don't deserve every kind of love."
"What else can I do?" You asked in a watery whisper, and Yoongi reached out to take your hand, giving it a tight squeeze.
"Stay."
Your eyes searched his in the darkness of the room, and you thought maybe he looked a little scared and a little hopeful. "Stay?"
Yoongi nodded.
"Can I stay with you?"
A small smile curled at the corners of his lips, and he nodded again. A heavy weight lifted off his chest as you removed the strap of your bag from your shoulder and let it drop to the ground. He led you gently by the hand back to his room. He didn't need to ask if you wanted to wear one of his shirts to sleep in. He had noticed how much you liked wearing the one he'd lent you before and hadn't given back—which you had stuffed into your bag with everything else, consciously or unconsciously taking a piece of him with you. You weren’t sure why wearing Yoongi’s clothes made you feel safe, like you had a future to look forward to, while the idea of wearing the other men’s clothes felt like a bitter reminder of a controlling past. Maybe that was okay too. Maybe you didn’t have to feel the same way about all the men in the house to know how deeply you cared for all of them. They each took up a different space in your heart and Yoongi was at the center of it.
Yoongi let go of your hand to pull out a t-shirt and shorts from his drawers, handing them to you before making an excuse to go back into the clinic so you could change. You shook yourself out of the jeans and shirt you'd quickly dressed in. Where were you really going in the middle of the night and how were you going to get there? What were you thinking? It didn't matter. Thoughts left your head as the familiar scent of Yoongi filled in with his shirt, leaving room for nothing but a familiar sense of comfort. You opted to forgo the shorts, hoping he wouldn't mind or read anything into it that you didn't mean. As you slipped into his bed, you couldn't think of anything but sleep all the sudden.
Yoongi took a moment to check on Hoseok's vitals, trying to keep his mind busy yet quiet. For a second he thought he saw the flash of the patient's eyes, but it was too dark for Yoongi to be sure he hadn't imagined it. Turning away, he bent to scoop up your bag and pushed it under the bed so no one would trip if they came in to visit their friend. Or maybe so they wouldn't realize what had almost happened tonight. Or maybe so it would be harder for you to find. He was too tired to parse out all the reasons.
He came back as soon as he heard you settle in the bed, and he had to focus on calm, steady breaths as he got in beside you. He wouldn't initiate anything you didn't want this time, he told himself, even if having you in his bed like this electrified him in a way he had never known. He would simply lay there and let you come to him if you wanted, or to sleep on the other side of the bed if that was it. At least you were staying. At least for tonight. You stayed a foot away from him for a long moment and he hoped you couldn't hear the thundering of his heart. Then your hand reached out for his, and his breath stopped all together.
"Can I-" you started but quickly stopped.
Yoongi turned his head to face you through the darkness. "Whatever you want is what I want. You don't need to be afraid of anything with me," he assured you.
He almost laughed hearing you swallow in the quiet room, wondering if your nervousness was the same kind as his. You shifted closer to him across the bed and lifted his arm. He got the message and raised it so he could wrap it securely around you, but not too tight, and you settled into his side.
The feeling of relaxation that eased through your body was unexpected. You realized that for the first time in your life, you didn't actually want to run. You had felt like it was the right thing to do, still not sure you actually deserved to be there, but you desperately wanted to stay. You had finally found a place you wanted to be, and you could only hope it would last.
"Thank you for asking me to stay," you whispered, your breath fanning over his cheek as you angled your face up to him. He turned toward you again, so your lips were a hair's breadth apart.
"Thank you for not leaving," he replied, holding himself back those last millimeters with every ounce of will in his being. He didn't need it though. When you pressed your lips to his, you couldn't imagine wanting to be anywhere else.
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