Losing It - Rick x Reader
Writer: Savannah @mistersourwolf and Jillian
Warnings: Swearing, fighting, rape mentioned, angst & fluff.
Summary: Reader’s loosing their mind slowly yet surely. They’re not quite sure how they’re doing it, but the constant asks are making it worse to the point they snap at the one they love most.
Another day, another kill. That’s what you lived by, killing. To get through the day, it’s all you knew. You sort of remember the time where you were sweet, never touched a walker and would never hurt anybody. But, that wasn’t the person you were anymore. You remembered your first kill, though it wasn’t exactly a walker. It was a person, a walking, talking, person.
You were out with Rick, Carl had a fever so you were trying to find anything to calm it down. Though, as you searched throughout a house on your own a hand wrapped around your mouth, pulling at your clothes and hitting at your sides while he held you down against the bed, you reached for anything, eventually you got a lamp and swung it across his head multiple times out of pure panic. You cried in horror as you watched him bleed out on the floor and die.
After that, you were never the same. The memory of the man haunted you dearly, and Rick was always there to help and support you. You remember when he found you and held you in his arms while you cried from hours on end. You never really talked about that day sense, but after every other kill, things got worse. Day by day, night by night. Nothing could’ve damaged you more.
Lately, you noticed you got worse. Though you didn’t want to talk about it, others obviously did. Daryl didn’t say much, per usual, but he gave you concerned looks. Maggie asked if you were alright, along with Carol who actually sat you down and had a talk with you. You just felt like you were going insane, losing it, losing everything. Then, Rick showed up while you were outside.
“You okay?” He asked, a concerned look on his face. “You’ve been actin’ different. I know you’ve been telling others you’re fine but I know that’s not true.”
You fumbled, kicking a rock by your foot while Rick stepped closer to you.
“And what would you know?”
“Y/n you’ve been there and helped me through so much, let me do the same is all I’m asking. You helped me, helped me get back to my family, to Carl.” Rick said, a hand on his hip as usual.
“So?” You scolded him, angry no one could let you be.
“I’m just worried for you is all.”
“Well stop fucking worrying because I’m fine.” “Y/n-“ Rick started to speak, but you no longer wanted to listen to him.
“No Rick, don’t! I’m just tired alright? Please just leave, I don’t wanna hurt you.” Your lip trembled as you tried to hold back tears, but it was true. You would hurt him if he didn’t leave you alone. Why? You didn’t know but he made you feel that way.
Rick started giving you butterflies in your stomach every time he walked by or spoke to you. You blamed him for your stress sometimes, but you knew it was all yourself. You assumed the butterflies came from underlying guilt from when you had snapped on him. As much as you knew he was just concerned, you wanted to handle things yourself. Even though you were only making things worse.
It wasn’t long after the interaction that you’d seen Hershel outside, calling you over. You walked towards him, wondering what he wanted as he never did talk to you much.
“Y/N, sit down with me, I wanna talk to you Dear.” He took a seat, and you knew what he wanted to talk about. But Hershel reminded you much of your Dad, and for that reason you could never disrespect him.
“I see the way you been acting, the way you treated Rick, you have to talk to people.” He said kindly, placing a hand over yours.
“I don’t want them involved.” You said to him, staring at your feet.
“It’s us and then the dead, we’re all you got now.” Hershel frowned.
“No, Y/N, listen to me. You may not realize but Rick loves you with just about all he can, and you can’t treat people who care about you like that.” Hershel expresses, showing concern in his eyes. “He would take a bullet for you and I know that much.”
You nodded at Hershel, realizing maybe you’d been to hard on Rick. And not just Rick but yourself. It wasn’t an easy world to live in but Rick only wanted to change that and unify people. There was no harm in that.
Later, you walked around the prison perimeters, killing any walker you saw approach the fence. In the distance, you could see Rick sitting outside the prison figuring you could go talk to him. Hershel was right, why it took you so long to realize you’d been acting up, you didn’t know. But you needed to say you were sorry, even though that might not fix,it he needed to know.
“Mind if I sit with you?” You asked, a sad look on your face.
Rick didn’t say anything but nodded, gesturing you over.
“You asked Hershel to talk to me?” You questioned, glancing at him.
“I’m sorry, y/n, I shouldn’t have—“
You placed a hand over his, tearing up as you smiled softly. “It’s okay, because Rick I love you no matter what, and you don’t have to believe me, but I do. I don’t think anything could ever change that.”
Rick looked over at you, placing a hand on your leg, “I know that, I always did.” He confirmed.
“I could never put you in danger,” you clarified. “I’ve killed people who I didn’t know, people who didn’t do anything wrong and ones who have. I know the pain that comes with taking a life and I don’t think I can bare it anymore.” You confessed, a tear fell down your cheek, as you told him the secrets that you’d kept inside.
He brought his hand up to your cheek, wiping away your tears, “It’s difficult, I know it, but you are strong and you are more than capable of getting through this, I hope you let me hold your hand through it.” His thumb trailed over your cheek as you two stared at each other, your gaze deepening.
You clasped your hand in Rick’s free one, kissing the top of his hand out of love.
“Hold my hand no matter what, please.” You whispered leaning your forehead against his.
“Alright, I will.” Rick chuckles kissing your forehead, before heading back inside with you.
There was still much for you to experience and hopefully you’d be alongside Rick. And if you were lucky, he’d be right there, holding your hand.