Description: You never knew what you wanted to do with your life from day one. It just seemed like there were too many things to pick from and all you knew was that you didn't want to be bound by the expectations of your parents.
So, you decide to head west like the rest of those that are seeking new lives and changes without knowing what to expect or your plan. You just never thought that you would find yourself ensnared in the rope of fate on your journey to find yourself.
Word Count: 5300
Cowboy Saeran x Reader
[Read On AO3]
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Chapter One
Every child has a dream that they wish to follow and chase like the winding landscape you witness when you ride a train for the first time. You feel like you’re rushing against the tracks trying to see the sights and sounds but you can’t quite seem the find your destination as the world passes you by so quickly.
It always felt like that.
The world was passing you by and you were moving too fast to figure out what it was that you wanted to hold onto. So, throwing caution to the wind, you told your family one day that you were going to go and find your dream. It was expected that you stay in your little town, get married, and spend your life trying to do what your parents had.
It wasn’t the dream that you had for yourself if you were honest about it.
You wanted to travel and see the sights as far as the starlight could glimmer and show you the rest of the world. Even though they weren’t happy about it, they let you leave home as long as you promised them you would write every few months when you got the chance. There was never a second thought that came to mind after that.
You spent your savings on a ticket that would take you deeper into the wiles of the west. That was the land of opportunity. You couldn’t afford to pay your way to the other side of the territory but you were downright determined to get as far west as you could before you’d take up odd jobs to get you the rest of the way.
It was simply what everyone was doing at the time, hunting for a better life and chasing the stars and winding landscapes to see something different. You had no goal in sight for what you wanted to do as you had always envisioned traveling and seeing the places written down in your books or parchment as the country grew around you.
Granted, it was ridiculous for some people to believe that you went more or less empty-handed on your own to start a new life, but hey, if you weren’t willing to take risks, how would you ever follow your old heart and dreams? Well, you would find your dream along the way. It wasn’t like you were chasing the whispers of gold and fortune.
You wanted to see the world, not get caught up in the greed of mankind of all things. Ironically, of course, that was where you found yourself once the train arrived at the final station that your ticket would take you to. The heat of the morning sun was much brighter against the hard dirt than you had expected but the landscape was different than you’d imagined.
As a child, you’d seen sprawling green forests and waterways not far from your house, but here in the middle of the mountains? There was nothing but red and orange as far as the eye could see. The tiny glimmer of water was a surprise to you but there always had to a river or two to sustain the lives of the people that had come to make their profit spin around and around. It was no surprise to you to see the crowds of miners and workers that littered the streets.
They were planning on hitting it big and nothing was going to stop them. If your parents had known that you were going to head straight for a den of hungry lions, they wouldn’t have let you leave. But, hey, you were an adult now and they couldn’t stop you from traveling as you pleased anymore since they had no control over you.
A little white lie never hurt anyone, right?
Your naivety and faith in others were palpable but you weren’t going to let yourself let fears stop you from trying to exist. Now that you were here, you decidedly needed to locate the place that your friend was currently employed. Hyun was from the same town as you and he had left you behind just as he’d escaped from his parents.
You understood why he ran away when they attempted to force him to go into more studies to make him become a lawyer.
It wasn’t what he wanted to do. He was an actor, he wanted to play on the stage and become someone of popular culture. He had big dreams and you admired him for it. He’d often spent many years showcasing that talent in the church choir. Though, he’d always told you that he thought that you sounded far superior to even his talent.
You assumed that he was doing that to make you feel better, that was for sure. He offered to get you a job at the same place that he’d taken residence for the last couple of years. As far as you knew, he was working deep in a bar for a kind man.
Someone that had seen him when he was down on his luck and offered room and board for him to take up while he worked hard to achieve his dreams. He’d often told you that there were a lot of interesting patrons to the bar that either got on his nerves or convinced him that he would never let money go to his head. Something about someone with old money that tested his nerves had always gotten a chuckle out of you.
It seemed exciting to not know what was going to be around the corner. A life of normalcy wasn’t exactly what you had in mind for yourself, and daring to explore the unknown just seemed to be a good idea. You let yourself breathe in the burnt air from life and existence before you nodded, stepping off of the train and following along with the memory of the letter that Hyun had given you in his last letter.
These shantytowns just seemed to be appearing overnight in most places but this place was a hub for many of the surrounding areas. Everyone in this area turned looked to the man that had been here for the longest time thus far, and that was a title gifted to the mayor of this town. You couldn’t quite pull his name to your memory at the moment, but you had heard that he was a family man and that he had spent a long time trying to maintain the area as a haven for anyone that desired to chase the dream of gold.
There were whispers when you were younger of these towns, where outlaws and crooks made their money by stealing from anyone that came to follow their dream. As for an average man that was willing to toil away in the mountains and riverbeds to find the smallest slivers of gold, they were lucky if they had enough money to eat.
It sounded less like aspiration and more like a fever dream that everyone had collectively had.
At least, that’s the way that your town had told you the story. As far as you could tell, it was a town like any other town that you’d seen in your travels. People living their lives without a care in the world to be had. There were plenty of houses and stores located within the center of town and the signs of families, not just men hounding for dreams.
Perhaps, those were just the warnings that they told children the same way that you’d always been warned never to trust strangers. Hah ! Preposterous. The world was never as dangerous as everyone tried to paint it and you knew that that had to be the case. This calmness hadn’t been what you had expected to find but you were happy to know that your friend was somewhere nice.
You’d been worried for him ever since he left.
But, if this was all that there was to discover, he’d been luckier than you thought. Paying no mind to the world around you, it didn’t take long to find that bar that he spoke of. Well, okay, it did take an hour and a half to discern that Zen was horrible at drawing maps and you would have been halfway to another territory if he made you anymore maps like this.
Someone kindly pointed you in the right direction after you bit your tongue and decidedly to ask a local. The worn wood of this building held the charm of something that had been there for years as opposed to being there for less than a couple of years at most.
No eyes immediately shifted in your direction as you sauntered inside, and you took a seat at the bar where a blond boy was working behind the counter. He didn’t appear to be much older than you were, though, maybe a year younger than you if you were going to wager a guess. He did have somewhat of a baby-face that reminded you of a little brother type.
“Hey,” you beamed.
He offered you a smile which you returned. Perhaps he noticed that glimmer of a good mood in your eyes and decided to return it.
“I haven’t seen you around before,” he offered, friendly as anyone could be. You assumed that they often got travelers coming in and out, but you got used to seeing regulars when you stayed in one place like this for a while. “Did you just arrive in town today?”
“Yeah,” you propped your head against your palm as you caught sight of white hair behind the curtain not far away. “Believe it or not, I’m here to meet with Hyun. He said that this would be the best place to find him once I got into town.”
Confusion flickered in his eyes before his answer dawned on him, he put two-and-two together as he nodded. “Oh! You mean Zen,” he said, automatically. “You must be [Y/N[. He’s been talking about you for a while now. We weren’t sure if you existed or not with how he talks about how kind you are.”
You chuckled, “Has he been acting like a raging narcissist again? I told him that while I thought it was charming, it may not attract the attention that he wants. Glad to see he hasn’t lost his charm after he left home.”
“Is that what you call it?”
“Well, it’s a nice way to describe it, haha.”
The two of you shared a laugh. It was nice to see friendly faces and you weren’t upset about that. It was nice to know that you were starting from rock bottom in trying to establish yourself here for the time being. Knowing that you could fall back on old friends and new, settled some of your nerves as they’d dared to fizzle to the surface.
He offered you a drink and shared his name, “Well, it’s nice to meet you, then. I’m Yoosung. V isn’t here right now but it’s nice to know that I’ll have some help back here on the counter because Zen is kind of… well, his talents are used elsewhere to bring in the money and crowd. Oh, right, Zen probably mention it but V is the owner of this place. He’s usually away on business but we keep things running.”
You cocked your head. What did he mean by that? You assumed that Zen was working behind the counter and serving drinks to the customers just the same as anyone else had. The confusion that was written on your face was easily wiped away when you paused to take a drink from your glass and you nearly spat it out right after.
Oh, Zen was the talent .
And by talent, that meant that he was scantly clad in clothes that you hadn’t expected him to be wearing when you met him again. Yet, there he was, shirt unbuttoned and frills trailing down his side from the flowing fabric. It looked like a seamless blend of masculine and feminine styles but it did work for him by all accounts. You weren’t into him like that, but you could see why people would want to come and fawn over him.
It was that dashing smile of his.
“This one’s for you, darling,” he pointed at you with a coy grin.
He was like your brother, so, you couldn’t contain the fit of giggles that threatened to escape your mouth when he winked in your direction. Oh, so by bringing the crowds, he meant that he was there to be the eye candy and bring him anyone willing to get a drink or spend their money on being able to chat with him.
Well, he knew how to use his looks against others.
If they wanted to fawn over him then he’d make sure that they came for what they paid for, at least, that’s what you figured as you noted how easy it was for him to ensnare guests. He had the women giggling and the men hanging on his every word.
What a charmer, though, you could never forget that guy that avoided cats like his life depended on it—
Even going as far as hiding behind you to stay away from the strays.
By the time his little show was over, you couldn’t stop yourself from clapping him on the shoulder and scolding him for not giving you a warning. “Zen, huh ? You got yourself a pretty little stage name and I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you were playing the role of a floozy. The last time I saw you, you were trying to climb a tree to avoid that stray.”
“Did you try to climb a tree to avoid a cat, Zen?” Yoosung eyed from the side. “I know you try to avoid when Jumin brings Elizabeth to the lounge but—”
“Don’t even mention that furball,” he scolded both of you. It was obvious that he was holding back his allergy at the mention of cats. “And, if it meant that I was going to avoid dealing with a breakout then I would climb any tree, babe.”
“I had to help him out of the tree, don’t let him convince you otherwise,” you said to Yoosung, offering him a chuckle. Turning your attention back to Zen, you shook away the shock of this new reality as it’d washed over you. “Either way, I’m really happy to see you again. It’s been too long since I’ve been able to talk to you properly.”
“I am sorry about that, babe,” he said with an apologetic smile. “Work is busy and when I’m not here, I’m working with the theater troupe. So, time tends to get away from me when I’m caught up. I figure offerin’ you the spare room at my place more than makes up for some of that. After all, I couldn’t leave you to fend for yourself out here.”
“My hero,” you feigned the role of a damsel. “I hope you can keep your promises better then you can draw a map. I got turned around on the way over here. It took me a good hour to figure out what you had drawn because you confused cacti for a blatant mirage in the desert. I spent ten minutes trying to find something that didn’t exist.”
“Hey, hey, hey, I’ve got my talents. My face is just meant for the stage, not for paper.”
“I’ll say.”
He snorted at your comeback. That was how it had always been with him. It felt like no time had passed with your friend. It was going to be interesting from now on. “Either way, why don’t I go ahead and help you guys out? I’d rather get to work than laze around Zen’s place for the rest of the day like a log.”
“Just try not to get too distracted by me, babe,” Zen warned with a laugh. You nudged him away and sent him back to wait for his next little show. “Alright, alright. I’ll leave you with our Yoosung. Take good care of them for me while I’m on the floor.”
Honestly, you were going to scold him later for being so great at putting up a face of glamour. It was too easy for him to sway others. He’d found a line of work for him that would help him as he chased the stage and after the dreams, he’d had when he was a young boy. You wondered if you would be able to find yours somewhere in this new town.
“I’d appreciate it,” Yoosung said. “Ever since Jaehee started working with Jumin, oh, she was our other performer before you came here, and Jumin’s V’s best friend, they’ll probably be around tomorrow if they finished their work trip. They’re a part of our regular visitors, so you’ll get to know them well too.”
“I’d hope so,” you smiled. “I’d be happy to make some new friends. After all, all I have right now is Zen and I’m severely lacking in that department. Honestly, we should trade a story about how embarrassing he must be to watch. Sound like a deal, Yoosung?”
“Haha, sure thing. I’d like to have the upper hand for once when he teases me.”
“Don’t worry, I’ve got plenty of stories, then.”
You stashed your bags behind the counter and helped the boys with the afternoon crowd without too much trouble. You had worked at your family’s bakery so it wasn’t much of a stretch for you to settle into the buzz of human travel and needs.
It was easy for Yoosung to show you the ropes.
You just needed a few tips on the workaround but apart from that, it was easy to deal with anyone and their desires. Zen claimed that your good looks helped, but he said that was what worked the most around here. Morale was pretty low and people came to the saloons to get a reprieve from their heavy days with the charm of the staff.
You were starting to understand why he wanted you for the job. His claim that your shining faith in others and willingness to avoid thinking the worst in others was a good fit for someone that was to bring in the money by delighting patrons. Well, you felt a little used, but it wasn’t so bad. It was better than being back home where you would know your future.
A path that you didn’t want.
You’d gladly accept doing this for the time being.
By the end of your shift, Zen had to part ways with you as he had to meet up with his group, but he gave you explicit directions to his house so you wouldn’t get turned around this time. The sun had already set by that point so he warned you to be careful and not talk to anyone on your way back to his place. You waved away those concerns.
What were you supposed to be scared of?
A couple of cacti?
You’d seen no sign of any outlaws or criminals. Frankly, you were starting to believe it was a tall tale. Everyone that you’d spoken to in the saloon had been nothing but kind to you as you shared their drinks with them and chatted about your travels. It seemed like any other town.
That mayor must have taken the law seriously because these streets were clean.
Zen was just paranoid over nothing. He’d always done that. So, you followed the dusty path that led you deeper down those streets into an area that was a bit more desolate but not too far from the town entirely. Though, you paused just for a moment as you felt a strange sensation wash over you. You glanced over your shoulder but nobody was there.
No one was in that area at all.
Which wasn’t right, you had just seen a few stragglers walking around when you just walked by but now there was no one. Weird, but you weren’t going to be put off by something like that. You were used to being in an area with a lot of people and this town was just a bit smaller than what you were used to, so, of course, the streets cleared quicker!
“Heh,” you chuckled. “I told him he was worried about nothing.”
How silly of you.
You turned back to continue on your way but as soon as you stepped away from the city limit, you were stopped by a shadow appearing from the darkness. You didn’t move from your spot, but you were quick to size up this stranger. It took all of five seconds for them to draw their weapon and for you to stare at them like a deer afraid of being prey.
“Let’s make this quick and easy,” the stranger said, simply. “Hand over whatever goods you have and I won’t have to hurt you. Don’t try screaming, either, honey. It won’t do you any good to make a ruckus for us.”
You were still too stunned to respond clearly. You knew that you had to do something but you hadn’t ever been put in a position where your life was clearly on the line. What were you supposed to do in that situation? It wasn’t like you could say anything, and you were too caught up in the idea that your life could be over before it began—
“...!”
A drag at the lips of the villain, as his fingers hovered over the trigger. “I hate the tourists. It’s like y’all’d have a better sense than to travel alone. I don’t want to deal with the mess so make it easy on me, just hand it over. Whatever money ya’ got. C’mon, I don’t have all night. I’ve got better shit to do than watch ya’ stand there with your mouth open.”
It wasn’t like you had a choice.
So, you went for your pockets and pulled out the change that you did have. It wasn’t like you came here with anything more than pocket change. That didn’t seem to please him. He cursed at the little that you did have.
This time, he lifted his gun toward you without hesitation and he cocked the trigger this time.
Your stomach flopped.
“That’s all ya’ got?! Change?! I should kill ya’ for putting me through the trouble! I can’t believe it, if yer’ hangin’ around that floozy, you should have way more cash on ya’,” the malice in his voice let you know how serious this was. “Or, since ya’ can’t pay me this way, why don’t we figure out another way I can get somethin’ outta’ ya’.”
Suddenly, you found the use of your voice, “Wait, please.”
“That’s not how it works around here, darlin’. If ya’ can’t pay with your cash, then ya’ can pay with your—”
Suddenly, a shot rang out and you sank to the ground, shutting your eyes and waiting for the pain to hit you but… it never did. Breathing heavily, you opened your eyes and realized that the gun that the crook had been holding had been shot from his hands and sent colliding with the dirt. The man let out a cry as the blood poured from his wound.
Someone shot him.
Somebody shot him which mean that there were more people around—
The smart thing to do would be to get up and run but your legs felt like jello. You were frozen in place from either the shock or the fear of everything that was happening far too fast for you to comprehend everything. The crook gripped his injured hand, “The hell’s out there? Show yerself’! Ya’ can’t shoot me and get away with it. We’re all tryin’ to survive out here. Less you’re the sheriff, get off my ass about this. This pretty little thing was going’ pay me what I’m due.”
“You ain’t due nothing,” a voice spoke up from your left as it taunted the crook. You looked up at who would be your savior, noting the dark color of his slacks and the deep brown of his boots that had seen better days.
A black shirt and a faded mint vest that nearly appeared to be white. His scarf covered too much of his features to reveal his face to you. The black duster he was wearing was long. Protection from dust and dirt.
Yet, you saw red hair peaking underneath that hat, and that’s what caught your eye the most. If you had recalled correctly, at the train station, there’d been a wall of wanted criminals that you’d paid no mind to except for a passing glance.
But you remembered seeing someone with red hair on the paper and that told you that you may not be safe. He might have picked off this lower thug to take your money himself.
You saw the crook’s eyes widened as he realized who he was staring at, and even if you didn’t know him, he knew the guy.
“Now, are we going to have trouble here or am I going to have to get rid of you for real? I already had to waste a bullet on your hand, but I sure as hell ain’t opposed to wasting one more in your head if that’s what I need to do,” the redhead said, plainly. “You fucking know that this isn’t your territory and I can remember giving you a clear warning the last time that if I saw ya’ again, I’d make you regret it. So, I’ll give you five seconds to get the fuck out of here before I decide to make good on that promise.”
“But—”
“Five… four… three…”
“Shit. I’m outta here! I’m goin’, I’m going!”
“Two…”
The thug was already long out of your sightline by the second that this stranger uttered the word: “One,” but that didn’t stop him by watching the skyline closely and keeping his gun cocked without a word. You remembered that you needed to breathe again, and now you could feel that dread filling in your guts once more.
You weren’t one to think that everyone you met was a bad guy, no, you wanted to give people the benefit of a doubt but how could you trust anyone if they were willing to go in without hesitation with their guns like that? Whatever happened to talking things through? You could haggle with someone all day but not if they wanted blood.
Looking up at this man, you realized that he was now staring at you. You weren’t trying to get on the bad-side of anyone tonight. Not after that. The flimsy knife that you kept stashed on you wasn’t going to do much against a gun. So, you decided to play it straight instead. “Um, thank you,” you managed to say.
He held out his hand and you reluctantly took it.
“You shouldn’t be walkin’ around alone,” he said.
“A little late for that kind of advice, sir,” you replied once you were back on two legs. You winced at your tone and tried to forgive yourself for being panicked. “But, thank you. I thought I was a goner. If you hadn’t come along when you did…”
“Make no mistake, I wasn’t doing it for praise. I told that idiot that if he set foot on this territory and got in my way, I’d have his head,” he stashed the gun back in his holster and for that, you were grateful enough. “Make this your first lesson, don’t walk alone at night unless you’ve got a weapon on you or unless you’re willing to beg for your life with your money or body. Crooks like that won’t hesitate to rob you blind and leave you for the vultures, pretty little cereus.”
Cereus?
You weren’t about to go walking around without Zen around if you had the choice if there were crooks like that around here. But, if there were guys like… well, he seemed willing to help others. Even if it was a selfish order on top. The adrenaline was still running hot in your veins. You could feel yourself talking without thinking.
“So… this is your territory?”
“It will be,” he said, flatly.
“Then, can I ask why you aren’t trying to take my money, too?”
He snorted at your response. It seemed funny to him that you jumped to that. “Y’know, not every criminal wants to rob someone that has dirt to their name. You have a few measly pennies. The fuck am I gonna do with that? It’s a waste of my fuckin’ time to bother with you when you ain’t got shit to pay me with. If I’m gonna waste bullets, I’m gonna hit someone worth my trouble.”
So, he wasn’t entirely bad… it was just a good thing that he didn’t see you as a target. That was bad for anyone rich. You nodded, knowing that you weren’t going to complain to him or make a big fuss about not being robbed. You lifted your bag back from the ground and decided to risk a chance on the guy with the gun.
“I don’t suppose you’d want to walk me home, then?”
“Oh, you already owe me, do you want to add to your life debt?”
You paused, looking back at him, “Life debt?”
“You ain’t from around here, then. If someone saves your skin then you owe them a life debt. That means you either risk your life for their life, you pay them back with money, or with secrets. It’s up to you,” he tipped his back to get a better look at you. “And, considerin’ you’re heading towards the house that belongs to one Hyun Ryu, you’d do nicely for secrets.”
Oh, he planned that.
He did walk you back in the direction of the house as if he already knew where he was going. You had no way of knowing if he knew Hyun or not. But, a criminal like this? He surely knew whatever he wanted.
What could he want from you that he already didn’t know?
That didn’t make sense.
Then again, would anyone think much of a naive stranger who knew nothing about this life? It might be a smart plan if you were avoiding eyes. Great, you thought. You didn’t think things through again and now the only reason you were breathing was that someone wanted to use you. It could be worse, you knew that.
You paused at the door and turned to face the wanted criminal, “So, what kind of secrets are we talking about?”
There was mischief in his eyes. Which, you noted were an odd shade of green that seemed a little too bright, almost blue. It contrasted against the intensity of his red hair and seemed to draw you in like the moon on a starless night.
His scarf had slipped enough that you could now see his smirk as it grew wide, “You owe me, which means I won’t let you get very far from here. So, don’t go and skip town and we won’t have trouble. You seem like a good little listener, a real people pleaser, so let’s see how good that is. I’ll let you know when I need you, little cereus.”
A chill ran down your spine when he said that. Yet, something pulled you and compelled you to listen to him.
“That’s not my name.”
“Names don’t matter ‘round here.”
The stranger started to walk away back in the direction that he came from and you couldn’t stop yourself from asking one more question: “Do I at least get to know your name, sir? If you even have one, then.”
Without missing a beat, you could hear him say, “They call me plenty of things, little cereus, but if you want to get down to the knitty gritty, all they’ve ever been able to get out of their mouths before they realize they’re dead is—Unknown. I ain’t got a name that anyone needs to know but myself. So, call me that and I’ll call you Cereus.”
Lovecraft: Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Coming soon
Characters: Saeran Choi X Reader
Word Count: 4,632
Genre: Witchcraft!AU, Fluff, Angst
Warnings: Mentions of child abuse
Summary: After an unfortunate drunken night, you, a fortune teller who was cursed from a young age by an unknown witch, breaks your own creed and read your own fate. Seeing nothing but ruin and isolation in the future, you seek out an apothecary named Saeran, who gives you untested potion called Aphrodite’s Blessing, not for free though. In return, he wishes to study and document it’s effects on you. Can his creation not only save you from fate, but also break your longstanding curse?
You were a little thankful that Saeran had decided to meet up with you at your home rather than forcing you to walk to his shop two days in a row. The walk wasn’t necessarily unpleasant, but the days were getting shorter and colder. Thank the heavens that the flannel cloak you always wore was so warm even after all these years. If it wasn’t for the sweet heat it provided, you’d surely have frozen to death long ago. It was always in the back of your mind to purchase new boots, warmer scarves, and those gorgeous knitted mittens with the pearls sewn into the tops resembling snowflakes, but finances were tight. The overlooming thought of possibly not having money to buy food for tomorrow made you think twice about what was essential. More than often a meal and rent won over new clothing, even though it was dearly needed.
The town square’s market wasn’t too far from your street. It was quite handy, seeing as how you rarely had to travel far for anything you required. Not to mention on slower days when there were fewer vendors, you were able to set up a small table to sell readings. Fortunes, unveiling the true intentions of a relative, finding out if someone’s love was unrequited or not… Whatever anyone would request. The competitive nature of the market meant early mornings and long days to allocate a spot. It was far too troublesome, especially for a plain diviner like you who was commonly overlooked in favour of roasted sweet potatoes and fresh, bloody cuts of butchered cattle. Even if you were only able to get ten or fifteen customers every few days, the pocket change was still money in the end. It felt heavy in your pockets, you could feel the weight of each silver coin, and you treasured them as if they were your lifeline.
A knock at the door pulled you out of your thoughts. You trodded down the creaky steps, opening the door as little as possible. It’d be nice to keep some of the heat inside the stone walls. The metallic handle was cool to the touch. An igloo might have better insulation than this atrocious excuse for a home. It took an eternity for the warmth of the fireplace to reach the nooks and crannies of your small home, and you weren’t about to undo what took about three hours this morning.
“Ready to go?” Saeran tilted his head slightly as he asked. He peeked through the crack in the door, trying to survey your surroundings. The mess of cards and small jewels strewn across a nearby side table caught his eye. He never took much interest in divination, but he did find the idea of refreshing and “charging” divination tools with crystals quite interesting. It was well known that crystals were used in multiple crafts, from alchemy, to enhancing illusion and restoration spells, to simple blessings. Saeran himself used various pestles and spoons carved from crystals when creating his concoctions. He silently reminded himself to ask you about what properties you noticed from crystals and gems later. Perhaps there was something he could learn from a diviner. Saeran was eager to find out what knowledge he couldn’t learn from books and scrolls.
“Uh, yeah. Just let me grab my cape,” Quickly scurrying back up the stairs, you wrapped the trusty navy blue cloak around you, and tugged on the pointed hat, praying this much would keep you warm today. Perhaps you’d be able to haggle a deal on a pair of gloves while you were there. The market was held outdoors until the snow and chill became too much, then it would move to within one of the town halls. As much as most vendors preferred to be indoors, there was little space in the halls. Fewer people could get into it, and less product would be brought due to space confinements. The air would fill with the mixed scents of oils, herbs, meats, and wines. Which did not mix well at all. The scent was putrid at best. Often driving customers to leave for specialty shops that had concrete locations, if not just for breathable air.
Saeran noticed how your shivering wrists tugged at the neck of your cape, trying to wrap it tighter, closer. Anything to keep warm. Your cheeks were growing deeper in colour by the second. Each time the wind whipped at your skin it felt like an icy blade that slashed your skin.
“Are you sure you’ll be warm enough with just that on? You look kinda cold,”
“O-Oh, um… Yeah. I’ll be fine,” You tried to hide the fact that you were, and always had been, freezing. You didn’t want to appear as though you were scraping coins together to buy loaves of bread, even if that is what you did on a day-to-day basis. You had to admit, it was nice to hear someone concerned for your well being. Regardless, you still didn’t want to become a bother, especially to someone who was already helping you so much.
“You’re not a very convincing liar,” His eyes narrowed in your direction. You remained silent at his comment. Before you knew it, Saeran was removing the burgundy wool scarf he’d been wearing and wrapped it around your neck, tying it in the back so the length draped down your back. You stood still, unsure of what to do. Why was he giving you his scarf? Wouldn’t that mean he would freeze instead of you? Perhaps you just weren’t used to this kind of selfless behaviour. “That should keep you a little warmer. I can’t document any physical effects the potion may be having on you if you’re a icicle. Changes the environmental factors and all that… Y’know?”
“Ah, right… Thank you,” You tried to hide your now warm cheeks in the woven wool. It was soft, and smelled faintly of ginger and cinnamon. You wondered what item he’d been working on that used those two together. What properties did they have again…? Remembering herbs and their benefits wasn’t something you were skilled at. Too many plants, too many names, too many similar ones. It was amazing how Saeran knew so many off the top of his head.
"Oh, I've been forgetting to ask you, but do you have any allergies perchance?" Saeran’s question pulled you out of your thoughts. You looked up at him, trying to figure out his expression. Was he concerned for you? Was this a sign of the potion working it’s magic?
"No. Or at least no allergies that I'm aware of,"
"Well, that's good then, means we don't need to worry about any ingredients causing a reaction. Or at least they shouldn't." You felt a little disheartened at his reply. He was just asking for scientific purposes… Not personal intrigue. You should’ve expected that much.
Saeran had confidence in his ability to concoct potions, but he was always wary about his ingredients. He preferred to stick to more natural, herbal materials, but regrettably this caused severe reactions for many. His ingredients were always haphazardly strewn on a paper tag attached to the bottle for this reason. There wasn’t a more ghastly feeling in the world for him than harming someone when he had the intention to help. These days there were more and more mythical ingredients finding their way into alchemy and potion-crafting, and while they were effective, they were extremely difficult to work with without accidentally blowing oneself up.
The path to the market was quite busy today. More people were bustling about than usual, which was odd considering the frigid cold. The two of you remained silent while you trekked there. You’d attempted small talk, but neither of you managed to keep the conversation going. It wasn’t like you two knew each other all that well anyways. You’d only met twice.
Eventually the stalls and booths came into view. The frozen breaths of customers conglomerated into a haze that lingered over the town square. Several small fires were set up in their bleak gothic cages, the open top allowing people to gather for brief reprieve of the chill. You noticed a mother tug her small child close to the fire, and the two of them stretched out their mittened hands.
“Be careful not to get too close, okay sweetheart?” The mother crooned. She reached down to adjust the hood over the child’s head, making sure her ears were fully covered.
“Okay mama!”
You smiled at the warm-hearted display, it reminding you of your own parents. You really did miss their warm touch, the simple pleasantries, and their love for you. Your heart ached at the reminder that you had no one in the world except them, and they were so far away… It was lonely, living like this. But you were happy to have the apothecary who was willing to help you with your curse at least.
“Saeran, are you close with your parents?” You questioned after you observed him watching the mother and child too. It was a conversation starter at least. The silence between you two for the last twenty minutes was becoming irritating.
“Mm, no. I was orphaned at young age, and then my teacher Jihyun took me in,” Saeran’s eyes grew cold at your question. He gazed at your face, looking for signs of something to distrust in. A quirk of the mouth, a specific look in the eye…. But he found nothing of that sort. He was always on the defensive about his childhood. It wasn’t exactly something he really cared to talk about. Who’d want to recall being abused and abandoned by your family?
“O-Oh… I’m sorry to hear that, you must’ve had a rough childhood,” You looked down at your tattered boots, not expecting such a sad response.
“It was only rough before Jihyun came into my life. He was my sunshine, and he provided for me well,” He tried to lift the mood, smiling at you. Although the words were bittersweet to him, he knew they’d come off as a lot more positive to you. You didn’t carry the feelings for Jihyun that he did, and your ignorance was bliss to him.
“Well… At least things have been better since then. He must’ve been an amazing person,” Saeran looked up at the sky, watching how the sunlight slipped through the clouds above.
“He was the most selfless person I’ve ever met. I’ve got nothing but respect for him to the end of time,”
“Alright, for your first test, I want you to try flirting with a shopkeep,”
“You want me to what?” You were taken aback by his statement. You’d never flirted with anyone in your life, nor been flirted with. Where do you even begin? How do you flirt with someone without making a fool of yourself, or was that the point? To be so much of a fool that people find it endearing?
“It’s nothing crazy, just compliment them a little bit. If you could do it with a man and a woman that would be great, I’d like to see the effects on both genders,” Saeran had begun writing notes within a pocket-sized journal. How could he talk so nonchalantly about this? What was he even writing about already?
“I...I really don’t know to do such a thing,”
“It’s easy, I told you. Just say they have nice eyes or something,” He waved you off in the direction of the busy aisle. You realized quickly you’d have to swallow your pride and get this over and done with if you wanted to leave today. If you refused he’d probably just instigate a situation himself, and you preferred to not have him take control of whatever awkward conversation that was about to ensue.
You slowly approached the stall selling children’s toys. Wooden tops and colourful, plush animals with buttons sewn on for eyes adorned the wooden counter.
“Are you looking for something for a younger sibling, or are you just indulging yourself?” The boy behind the counter with bright blue eyes and even brighter flax coloured hair perked up as he saw you grasp at the ear of a bunny.
“Um, I...Uh, I’m just looking for now!” You blurted out, unsure of what to say. He was kinda cute, you had to admit. Perhaps you should’ve picked a place with someone less attractive working, it might’ve been easier to flirt with someone you had no interest in.
“No worries, just let me know if you need help,” He flashed a smile that would put the sun to shame before turning to attend to another customer.
Mentally, you tried to calm yourself. There was nothing to be worked up over. Just say he has pretty eyes like Saeran told you to and get out of here. You glanced in Saeran’s direction to see him with a notepad in hand, watching your interaction intently. He smirked and gave you a thumbs up, as if encouraging you to keep going. The smug look on his face made you uneasy, as if he was doing this just to watch you squirm. Regardless, you nodded and smiled weakly. There was no point in trying to back out now. You’d created a mutually beneficial deal, and you weren’t one to go back on your word.
“Um, excuse me!” You waved the boy over.
“Is there something I can do for you?”
“I...Uh,” You could feel your heart stop, anxiety washing over you. You stuttered and fumbled over your words as you tried to spit them out. Get the horrid taste of false flattery off your tongue. “I just wanted to tell you that your eyes were quite lovely…” You averted your gaze, not really wanting to see whatever reaction you’d get. You could feel the warmth on your face spread to your eyes, ears, and nose. This was utterly humiliating in more ways than one.
“O-Oh, uh, thank you very much! But I have a lovely girlfriend…” The boy trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment.
“I-I didn’t mean it like that! I just thought you should know, spreading the kindness and all…” You laughed half-heartedly trying to improvise a cover up. He’d obviously seen through your cheap lie, but neither of you commented on the elephant in the room. The boy nodded and resumed speaking with other customers, and you took the opportunity to flee the booth as quickly as possible.
“Good job spreading the kindness,” Saeran laughed at your obvious discomfort.
“Shut up, you made me do it, and I did it. Is that enough information for you, can we leave now before I embarrass myself further?”
“Mm, not quite enough. Did you ever receive a similar reaction prior to taking Aphrodite’s Blessing?”
“I’ve never tried to flirt with anyone before, so I can’t say,”
“What about just regular compliments? Like telling the tax collector you like her blouse in hopes she forgets what she was there for in the first place and leaves,”
“No, usually when I give out compliments, I’m ignored outright, or all I get is a smile. It’s always been like I was a ghost,”
“Well, being acknowledged then is a good sign. It means something is working at least. Even if it’s only bringing you back from a different plane of existence,”
“Hey, I’m not dead, that much I’m certain of,”
“Are you sure you’re not what’s been causing my floors to creak at night?”
“If you don’t shut your mouth I will ensure I haunt you in my afterlife,” You huffed at his jest, before turning your back and moving towards the street. Saeran would catch up anyways.
A rough hand jerked you to the side. Your heart jump into your throat. Caught off guard, you let out a yelp.
“Naw, naw, pretty girls like you roamin’ the market? Does’at mean yer fer sale too?” A massive man whose size was at least double your own had your arm gripped like a vice. His face was heavily scarred, and the eyepatch covering his right eye looked as though it hadn’t seen a bucket of soap and water for months with all the grime caking in the seams.
“Let go of me,” You lowered your voice, narrowed your eyes. You made him know you were not one to be toyed with. You were prepared make more than a fuss if he tried to haul you off, and perhaps he’d lose the other eye while he was at it. Even if none of that was true, you’d embody it to intimidate him. Stand your ground no matter what. Mother had always taught you how to deal with men like this, though you’d never needed to use her teachings until now.
“Feisty aren’t ya? Ahehe, that’s how I always liked ‘em,” His booming guffaw attracted the attention of passerbys, but none stopped to help. Not that you blamed them, the behemoth before you looked as though he could crush someone under his thumb. It was doubtful anyone wanted to interfere and risk having their head smashed into a cart of day old halibut.
“Let me go. Now,” You tried to pry your arm from him, but his fat and calloused fingers easily overpowered the strength of your entire upper arm.
“Awww, ye don’t wanna come care for me a lil? Yer a fortune teller right? Tell ya what, shuffle them fancy cards of yer’s and tell me what a guys gotta do to get a sweet lil’ lady like ya to snuggle up to ‘im? If ya do, I’ll go easy on ya,”
“You’ll let me go this instant before I personally behead you myself,”
“Slingin’ threats now huh? I’m sure ye won’t be runnin’ that mouth for much longer,” The man began hauling you to a nearby alley, it’s end unseen. It was shrouded in shadows, and you didn’t want to know what kinds of people, what horrors where tucked away in darkness. Your fist beat against his arm frantically, doing no damage much to your avail. Kicking proved to be pointless. At the brisk pace he was dragging you, you were forced to walk or risk having him drag your knees along the grit and cobblestone. There’s how many people here… And not a single person is willing to help… You thought to yourself. This city is despicable. I’m going to be hauled off to god knows where, possibly never see the light of day again, they would rather go about their own business, knowing they could’ve done something. I hope these bastards sleep soundly at night. Enjoy looking at your wretched face in the mirror.
You were suddenly wrenched back with great force, you felt your back collide into someone’s body, but they didn’t falter at the impact. The grip on your arm was a little painful, but nothing compared to how roughly the brute had been handling you. The hand moved from your bicep to your wrist, hurriedly dragging you along with them as the two of you fled, running straight for the crowd.
“C’mon, neither of us can take him here, so we need to move fast,” Saeran had thrown his hood up in effort to disguise himself amongst the throng of people. The two of you ran directly into circles of people, avoiding the man screaming profanities at the two of you and attempting to find you two. This tactic earned you some sighs and glares, but it was certainly better than being caught up to.
“Who th’ fuck d’ya think y’ar!? I’ll peel yer flesh from yer bones and sell ya t’ th’ merc’s!” You were thankful that his overwhelming size slowed him down, speed was on your side, that was for sure. His bellowing voice was becoming fainter quickly.
“We need to leave before him or one of his accomplices finds us, put the hood on your cape up and carry your hat so we aren’t spotted,” You nodded and followed Saeran, not that you had much of a choice with him barrelling through people with you in tow.
Both of you wove in between people, darting in and out of the narrow spaces between stalls until you reached a quiet side street. Seeing as how it was unlikely the man would’ve followed you to this point, you both ducked into an grungy alley to catch your breath.
“We should be safe here,”
“Saeran… What did you mean… By accomplices?” You panted. The thought of more of those men being nearby was terrifying.
“Guys like those don’t operate alone,” Saeran swallowed and wiped a bead of sweat from his temple. “They have one main man haul off girls, and then about three or four patrolling and scouting for the next girl, or ladies that escape on the first try,”
“How do you know all this?”
“They come in all the time asking me for aphrodisiacs and similar potions to knock people out. I refuse service and report them to the royal guards, but they still have yet to actually do something about it. My guess is that the guards are involved themselves,”
“That’s horrid,”
“Don’t trust royalty. Ever. They’re all a bunch of rich scum, the worst the world has to offer,”
“I’ll keep that in mind,”
“Well, on the bright side of things, the man trying to haul you off is another sign that the potion is having some effect on you. By the sound of things, that incident would’ve likely never happened had you not been taking Aphrodite’s Blessing,”
“I nearly got kidnapped and that’s what you’re concerned about?” Your blood began to boil. You’d just witnessed one of the most dire events in your entire life and Saeran was looking at the positives of his potion? “I’m not going to continue taking this stupid thing if this is what it causes… I should’ve known better than to believe something like this would work,”
“Hey, calm down.” Saeran gripped both of your shoulders, bringing you back to the present and out of you worried myriad of thoughts. “That’s how attraction and love work sometimes. It’s not always reciprocated, and it’s not always bubblegum and fluffy clouds. Sometimes it’s chains and dark cellars. It’s feeling like you’ve been stabbed a thousand times, and feeling like you’ve reached euphoria all at the same time.” You stared at him square in the eye, listening reluctantly to his every word. What he had to say was crushing, but it’s not as if you’d ever known romantic love before. Being a newly hatched chick, you had a lot to learn. “The fact that this happened is unfortunate, but thanks to it, we got some good information about how the potion is affecting you and others. It’ll be extremely useful for my research, and I can perfect this thing and get you the help you need,” He took a step back, noticing how you’d begun to squirm slightly under his touch.
“I thought this thing was supposed to attract love into my life, not get me trafficked,” You dangled the crystal bottle before his eyes, stirring up the contents. Bits of rose petals and ashes of violets danced around each other within the glass.
“It’ll do both. You can’t have one without the other, and I can’t give you another potion to take alongside this one until I’ve got all the information about it. I don’t know how this one would react to another. Besides, I saved you in end didn’t I?”
“I suppose so… Thank you, by the way. I wasn’t able to overpower him physically,”
“Don’t mention it, I wasn’t about to let my precious test subject mysteriously disappear,” Saeran sighed before running a hand through the tufts of fluffy hair, causing them to stick out in odd angles. “I doubt I could find another person to test out Aphrodite’s Blessing for me, so I’d be at a loss without you,” You sunk down to the ground, looking up at the sky. You were thankful to be here right now, even if it was dreary and bleak, and not tied up on a ship.
“What were you going to do if that man had caught up to us?”
“Oh, I know a little bit of destruction magic. I just prefer not to use it in areas where I could injure other people. I’m not trained very well, so I could easily torch a few innocents without meaning to,”
“Really? I didn’t know that,”
“There’s a lot you don’t know about me,” You looked at him quizzically, hoping for him to elaborate a little, but he only gave you a smile. It was eerie, almost as if he was hiding something from you. There was something to uncover about him, some secret truth perhaps.
“Well, I’ll have to keep that in mind. Perhaps I can continue learning more things about you in the future,” You didn’t want to acknowledge your strange dream from before, but the words were in the back of you mind, pricking at the trust you wished to place in Saeran.
“Me. You. The apothecaries. We’re all connected, you’ll see.”
Just what connection was there? Surely that dream was nothing, just a figment of your imagination that you were allowing to have far too much control over your emotions.
“Yeah… Same goes for you,” You smiled to yourself, butterflies’ fluttering wings suddenly tickling your insides. It felt silly, but this was a warmth you’d never known before.
“Are you still up to do more tests after that incident? I can keep them within the confines of the shop if you’d prefer for awhile.”
“As long as it’s indoors, yes, we can continue. Though I don’t know how much information you can gather without social interaction…”
“It’s fine. Besides, I count as social interaction too. I don’t always just lurk in a corner taking notes,”
“Thank you...For your consideration I mean,”
“No no, thank you for still agreeing to this after today. Here, I’ll walk you home, just to make sure you’re safe,” You walked adjacent to him, ready to break into a sprint at any moment. You were certain the man was gone, but you still felt on edge. Saeran’s presence was comforting nevertheless. Even though he was obviously not the person with the most bulk on the streets, it was nice to know that his minor knowledge of destruction magic could protect the two of you if it was necessary.
“Aren’t your hands cold? You haven’t been wearing gloves all day,” Saeran inquired.
“A little, why? Are you going to give me yours on top of your scarf too?” You let out a chuckle. “At this rate I’ll have your whole wardrobe,”
“Nope, I can’t risk freezing my own. I kinda need these to do my work. Here, give me your hands,” You held out your reddened palms, fingertips raw from the brisk air. Saeran took out a small vial from inside his jacket.
“This here… Is my special heating dust,” He bagan to sprinkle the maroon and russet flakes on your skin, and you could feel your skin thawing at the touch.
“Saeran…” He grinned at you, his stupid smile trying to hide the truth. “These are just chili flakes,”
“Your point?”
“It’s not some special heating dust if it’s just a common household spice!”
“The practice of potion crafting begins in the kitchen,”
“Are you a chef or an apothecary?”
“Perhaps I’m both,”
“Considering how thin you are, I’m betting you’re not a chef,”
“Harsh, maybe I should just leave now if you’re going to be so rude to a man who’s trying to help,”
“Don’t you dare leave me to walk home alone after today,”
“Why do things like this happen when happiness is just within my gasp?”
…
Time stood still as you stared into the broken shards of glass and spilt liquid on the floor. Your eyes were wide and lost at the situation that had occurred. Everything around you grew into background noise as you tried to steady your rapidly beating heart. “What…Just happened?” You thought.
“I only wished to make you happy.. I only wished to be happy with you..”
His verbal tangent surfaced to your ears, catching your attention. Your eyes slowly drifted from the mess at your feet to the distressed boy in front of you. At that point, your heart wrenched in pain. His eyes were wet and filled with tears, whilst his hands were firmly clenched beside him.
“Oh Ray..” You breathed. Immediately, you knew what to do. Your body reacted before your mind could process everything. Swiftly, you wrapped your arms around his back, pulling him in towards you. “It’s okay.. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
Before long, you felt his arms wrap around you as well, his forehead gently resting in the crevice of your neck. His grip was firm, as if he were afraid you would disappear into thin air any second.
“Please… don’t ever leave me alone. I… need you.”
…
Inspired by seeing many people’s artworks and drawings of this particular scene. I’m not the greatest writer either and I’m pretty sure I went back and forth in past and present tense but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I’m trying to get back into writing and I couldn’t get this scene out of my head.
Fandom: Mystic Messenger
Pairing: Saeran/MC -you
Rating : M
Warnings:Mentions of abuse (nothing graphic!)
Summary: AU where all of the RFA are completely obsessed with MC the princess of the story, they become so very obsessed with her that they keep her in a golden cage. The RFA is the bad guy and the MC is tormented by each and every one in the RFA. Until her prince comes and saves her. Or at least tries to.
In this part the Gatekeeper (Saeyoung) have more special moments than before. Who is the leader and how will he affect our heroines life?
Author’s Notes: Mc is a princess like/former dying star~~ everyone is enthralled by her beauty and pure heart~ Hope you like it so far! ₍՞◌′ᵕ‵ू◌₎♡
PART 1 PART 2 PART 3 PART 4 PART 5 PART 6 PART 7
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Save me, save me from everything that is holding me back from soaring high above the vast blue skies with you. Unleash these cold, iron chains that are keeping me from you; unleash me from this pain and let me feel your warm embrace, let me feel your hands around my waist. I want to breathe you in, I want to recall your smell, but it has been so long I am afraid that I am about to forget. Though I am constantly wishing for a miracle to just let me go, to let us be one, to finally be together. I constantly fear that I might lose myself inside this cage and in time even lose all of the special memories we made together and in time lose all memories of you. If it wasn’t for the random visits from the gatekeeper, I would by now, probably be guessing if I might have made you up.
There were no signs of you ever being here, ever stepping through those gates, setting foot in my heart like you did on that day. But the pain, I feel of not having you near is clearly a sign that you ought to be. That you must exist somewhere out there and not just in my heart.
The gatekeepers visiting kept me sane and he has been trying to ease the pain by being somewhat kind to me. He hasn’t let Zen enter through the gates no matter how much he screams at times or if he cries out for me. I have felt bad for him, I did somehow feel his pain and I did wish to ease the pain, but the gatekeeper made me promise not to let him enter. Zen was…not well enough to be left alone with me, so they decided to let him be off of the drug he craved so much – the drug being me. On the other hand, Yoosung was allowed to visit. I was completely flabbergasted at that – for it was him who has hurt me much more often than Zen ever did and it was Yoosung who broke me so often. But alas, I had no saying in the matter, they thought Yoosung was too nice, too sweet to hurt me too badly. And I must confess that he was actually very kind to me. It was strange how he at times could be very kind and would spoil me rotten with his kindness and his presents but at times his darker side would come up and he would try to corrupt me. His sweet side loved to dress me in pretty dresses, play games with me and cook me food. He loved to make me sweets and he would usually see me as a sweet, cute girl. Although he seemed so loving, so gentle and just so sugary sweet, there was darkness inside of him. A kind of darkness that could only be found in people who lost a lot in their lives. Yoosung did seem like someone who has lost something very special to him – a former lover or someone else? I didn’t know, since he never spoke about it as openly as one would think, he kept most of his pain deep inside of him – all of which made him become more vicious.
As he was in his darker modes all he wanted, was to sink low and he would take me with him if I allowed it. At times his darker self would turn out to be very sweet, but his sweetness was hidden behind pity. Like today when he came to visit me, his eyes were full of pity. His behaviour was akin to that of a disobedient child. He would slap me and call me a whore but in just a split second he would kiss the wounds he left behind and stare at me with pity. It was a game that I never could win and it would always make me feel strange. For at times I liked his companionship and I even thought at times that he was a kind and gentle boy, but he would often inflict pain that not one of them would ever do. He was just a strange boy that tried very hard to be a man.
He left soon enough, after he kissed me all over, after he played his perverted games. He might seem innocent but between the sheets was the one place where he was able to let himself go and let his desires run wild. He could be as free as he desired. Most of the times he would envelop his whole body around me – he seemed almost like a snake, holding me tightly to his body. His hands would slide everywhere they could, he was gentle and teasing. Every time he touched a new spot that made me go wild he would tease some more.
He loved to nib at my skin. He was like a small animal. Nibbling, kissing and licking that was all he would do. But most of all he loved to pound me, my legs over his shoulders and he would kiss them in between the pounding. But his gaze was unbelievable, filled with so much love and care – only at those times I truly knew that he loved me. Somewhere deep inside of him, hidden behind all the insanity he did actually love and care for me, but after so many times of being hunted down, hurt and loved at the same time – I was afraid that I would stoop to his level and become insane.
After he finished, he would – almost demand – that I was bathed by him and afterwards he would comb my long hair. In a way he loved me, praised me but also despised the idea of having to share me. It made him go mad and in that way it was easy for him to hurt me. After he hurt me he would go crazier – it was a never ending spiral. Yoosung was far gone and it was in a way his own fault and the fault of the leader. For the leader thought it was good for the members to let out their deepest, darkest selves out on someone who could be hidden from society and how great is it, that all of them including him felt so strongly for me? Afterwards he dressed me in a way the next visitor would want – this time a baggy shirt that was as big as a dress, thigh highs and no underwear. Either it was Jumin or the gatekeeper, Jaehee visited me yesterday so it wasn’t possible for her to visit that often – she liked to visit once a week. She told me that she felt dirty if she visited more often, she did need me but her craving and lusting for me was almost as sweet as having me.
I waited patiently on my little sofa and decided to sing, it soon was a song of great anguish and sadness. My dearest, if you only knew that all the songs I sing, all the tears I shed are for you and only for you. I beg of you to come and take me far, far away from here. I gaze towards the gate where I know that you are waiting, waiting to come and save me. You are there watching over me, smiling patiently to come to my rescue. I could only hope for you to come and be with me. My voice was now hoarse for I started to shed some tears and they ever so rudely interrupted my train of thought. Also someone else interrupted my singing with their clapping.
“I do love your singing, little canary.” Spoke the gatekeeper ever so sweetly.
Though he used to be quite abrupt with me at the beginning and he seemed to hate me, he changed, ever so slightly. The words directed at me were much kinder, sweeter and soft spoken. His touches surprised me, but they were there and gentle. He took care of any wounds the visitors might have left behind and he would just talk and listen. He was a companion I longed for so long. But I never could fully trust his kindness it was just something that I couldn’t get used to, no matter how much time has passed and how many encounters we might have had. I never could believe him. He did try though. I might know though, why I never could believe him, the reason; were his eyes- they always seemed to be shrouded in mystery.
To be a man able to hide so many secrets and with such ease was something that deeply frightened me. It was hard to put into words what actually frightened me, maybe it was the unknown, maybe it was the fact that he was so alike to Saeran, the one I wanted to be close with, maybe it was simply the fact that he was the one who held me behind these bars. It was him who didn’t free me, but let the canary sing behind golden bars.
The gatekeeper sat next to me and looked at my body. “Are there any new wounds? Either you speak honestly about them or I will have to do a thorough check up on you”
I winced at that, for his examinations aren’t pleasant, he never did anything that would make me go through pain, but he would often get annoyed by the amount of wounds or marks some of them would left behind. The whole ordeal of having me here and sharing me with each other might seem incredibly strange. I might have been locked up for a long time and I might have only lived as a star – but even I know that this whole situation is indeed strange.
But it was the price I had to pay to even be alive. I was living a life that was painful and I might seem like a tortured princess, but the truth was a little different. I loved those times when Jumin would let me walk outside the villa with him. I loved being able to breathe in the fresh air, I loved to sing and I loved to learn new things and somewhere in my heart I did cherish these broken people. I must love them, since I let them make love to me.
How did it feel, all of these things happening it goes something like this; hate me, break me, kiss my wounds, love me, push me away, hold me close, crush me, let me feel as good as new; but let someone save me sometime soon before I break apart. So before the gatekeeper could rip the shirt from my body, I stood up and pulled it off me. By now the only light that shone inside were the moon and stars, so I wasn’t as embarrassed as I used to be in daylight. He turned my body all around and noticed the hickeys on my legs and neck.
“Yoosung is always very thorough with you isn’t he?” Said the gatekeeper in a joking manner at which I only shrugged. “How can you still joke about it, when you always get so mad at them, especially at Zen and Yoosung? How can you say that you like me when you let me go through all of it every day?”
He sighed at that and pulled the shirt over my head. “You know that I can’t save you, it’s not my place to do something of that sorts, he has to save you or the leader has to set you free and you chances of getting either of those two are slim. He hasn’t been here in what 4 months?”
“3 months.” I corrected him in a small voice.
“Well 3-4 months makes no difference he left you behind is all I know. And I am trying to protect you, if I was a prince I would save you and keep you for myself. But by now, don’t you think they have become much nicer to you? It seems that the leader talked some sense into them.”
Though I was angry at the part of Saeran abandoning me, I had to nod at all of them being nicer to me, but it didn’t change the fact that they were far away from differentiating from real love to obsession. After some thinking I realised something, after being here for so long I never, even once have seen the leader. I always imagined him as an old, fat man who had a weird fetish but he never visited me, so I spoke up.
“How come the leader has never visited me? You all speak of him so highly yet he never even once was here. Why?”
The gatekeeper only smirked at that, he stood up and stretched his arms out. “Well sweet puppet, do you think it was me who demanded you being dressed like that? You know Jumin’s taste and I would rather have you naked before me than that. But you do have some strange sixth sense don’t you? You see, the leader made an agreement with all of them. He too would visit you and if they would even try to harm you as they used to, he would destroy them all.”
I only sat there shocked, that - this situation wasn’t what I wanted, I hardly got used to all of them visiting now there was another person who would come and see me?
“If the leader wants it, he might be the only one in the end who can have you. So you should behave, sweet canary.” At that he leaned to my face and kissed my forehead. “Be a good girl, ok?” And so he disappeared. I waited in the dark, so I decided to light some candles.
I walked to some of them surrounding my couch and lighted each one, while singing softly. Then I felt a small tap on my shoulder.
So I turned around to see a tall handsome man, far taller than me and slightly taller than Jumin. He had teal coloured hair and beautiful eyes and he wore a beautiful, enchanting smile, which made me blush ever so slightly.
“H-how may I help you?” I finally spoke up.
“Ah, what a beauty no wonder they want you so badly.” He spoke and by then he went on one knee while taking hold of one of my hand and kissing it softly.
“Greetings lovely princess I am the leader or as most people like to call me V. But you may call me as you wish, my goddess.” Speechless I only managed to nod in understanding. How can someone as charming as him be the leader of such an organisation filled with people like them? He took my hand and leaded me to the couch.
“Let us sit and talk for a while, what do you say? My turn isn’t limited to any sort of time, so we can spend time freely with each other.” I sat down as wished and stared at him, I didn’t know what to ask of him so I only stared which followed to him blushing deep red.
“P-please don’t stare so openly at me, you may not be aware of your beauty but you have a strong influence with your appearance.” My head tilted to the side and I questioned him. “What do you mean?”
His hand found its way to mine and he grasped it gently.
“At first I made a deal with the wizard, I wanted a woman as beautiful and enticing as the universe, I wanted a woman that was pure as freshly fallen snow, I wished for someone who could change and help me and my friends, to help me where I couldn’t. So then I found you, or you found me. You were barely “born” as a human so you may not recall, but the first thing you did - was to run into my arms. You see, dearest princess it was you , who chose me.”
Pairing: Choi Saeran/Reader, 707 | Choi Luciel/Main Character
Description: Was there faith in a false paradise with a savior that spilled honey sweet lies to make you agree? There is no life to be found amongst those in a rotting flowerbed, only those clinging to the roots as the world awaits your demise. Why is he still here when others had long been plucked from the dying earth? And better yet, why are you still here after everything, clinging to his roots as if he’ll bring you life? Or is he the one clinging to you?
SE Saeran x Former Believer Reader
Word Count: 10800
Previous Chapter
[Read On AO3]
Author’s Note:
Thank you for reading if you've made it all the way to the end of our story. I'd like to say that Iris is a Love Letter to Secret Ending Saeran, who has held a special place in my heart since 2016. I've always related to his emotional journey and I see a lot of myself in him. This story was a way to explore those feelings and challenge what it means to survive past the trauma that you've lived through. It's not always happily ever after when you make it out alive. There's hardship and a lot of challenges ahead to face when you make sense of yourself.
There's going to be hard days and good days... and in-the-middle days. The most important thing to remember is that you can keep looking forward to your life, even if the past is on your heels when you walk. Just keep your head up and remember that if you're alive today, you're strong. You're so much stronger than you think.
Saeran's journey isn't over just because this chapter has concluded. He has a full life ahead of him. Remember, every situation is just another chapter, not your life's story closing. Smile and look for your Iris to guide you along the way. Whether your Iris is yourself or something else, you can keep looking forward to happy days. I hope you've enjoyed this story, and stick around for the next one.
Chapter Twenty-Three
When you awoke, it felt as though you had been hit by a bus, and after everything that you had dealt with… well, being hit by a bus seemed like the least of your concerns.
If you could survive being in a cult for two and half years, then you could surely survive anything else that might’ve happened. Your head was spinning even though you knew that you were lying flat against one of those flimsy hospital beds. You hadn’t been trapped in one of these since you’d gotten out of Mint Eye the first time.
The smell of disinfectant and cleaner was uncomfortably strong today. It always makes you feel sick to your stomach. It was a tart-like fruit but mixed with enough bleach to take away whatever the scent was underneath that. Back when you had been stuck in a room like this for days on end, you would stare at the ceiling and feel the disgusting flare over sensory overstimulation. It made all the food taste dreadful and worse, even the smallest sip of water would buzz underneath your tongue with an acidic touch.
That wasn’t what you enjoyed. Nobody would like to wake up with the taste of something warm at the back of their throat.
Even if you hadn’t been taking the elixir for a few weeks at that point, you still felt it burning in your throat. It was the kind of taste that you would never forget. Nobody could ever enjoy that. It wasn’t the kind of thing that you’d want to drink to get high. It was the kind of punishment that reminded you that you were nothing. You were nothing but someone who needed to obey if they wanted a place to belong. Even if you knew that it’d been months since that had been your life every day, the burning ire lingered enough to make you gag.
It always ate away at your chest. The only thing that made you stomach it was when you kissed Saeran to scrub away the pain. As twisted as that was, it helped the two of you sustain yourselves in hell. You wished that those kisses could help you now, but you didn’t have the energy to move your body at the moment. It hurt all over in places that you forgot could hurt.
You were sure that you looked like roadkill no matter which way you cut it. You were already a mess. What were a few more injuries? What you wanted to do was roll over onto your side and get some more sleep but your body protested the act of sleep. Once you felt the faintest glow of sunlight brush against your cheek, you knew that there was no getting back to sleep.
You could remember everything that happened while you and MC were trapped within the walls of Mint Eye.
How they’d been tortured time and time again until they decided that MC was not going to give them what they wanted to know. Then, they wrenched you out of the basement and gave you the same treatment. Bruises and rope burns ate away at your ankles so tightly that you’d felt the need to plead for it to stop. Pleads fell on deaf ears. Cries were met with laughter. You were somebody who’d bite their tongue no matter how horrible the pain was, but the more they chipped away at you by the hour, the more that you felt like you were going to be sick.
Worst of all, the more that you refused, the more elixir that they forced down your throat. You felt like you were going to be sick just thinking about it. It had been in your system for a while and even though you knew that you would be okay in the end once it cleared out, the next few weeks were going to be hell trying to rid yourself of the taste of it. You were lucky that you had not lost the use of your ability to taste, but at the moment, you wished that you had if it meant it would make the acid go away.
If it would go away, this wouldn’t have been as uncomfortable as it was.
Your skin felt flush and damp even though you were sure that you’d been laying in this bed for a few days. Your throat felt raw… you had been running on adrenaline for so long that when your body finally crashed, you were left with nothing but exhaustion. It pulled you underneath murky depths as soon as you sink in Saeran’s arms. You could remember looking at his face, bathed in sunlight, and that’s when you decided that you were safe. Nothing else mattered at that moment. You wanted to be close to him to bring back a sense of security.
His hands had held you so tightly as you both wept, unable to bring yourselves to say what you wanted aloud, but still able to hold onto the other person with faith. It was the nicest feeling that you’d ever had the pleasure of feeling. You wanted nothing more than to dissolve into Saeran until there was no way to tell who you were or where he ended. You felt as if that was the only way to feel like you were whole again… like you were the complete person that you wanted to be.
There was no way to get back to sleep at this point. So, you decided that you would try to make sense of your surroundings again. It felt like you had been floating in and out of consciousness for a while, so most of your recent memories were fuzzy and unclear, but if you were going to feel this way, you’d rather sweat it out until it was over. If this fever was anything, it was just another uncomfortable sensation that would go away if you grumbled to someone to mess with the thermostat.
For once, you missed the freezing walls of the information room. You had grown used to feeling chilly. He would roll the thermometer down further and further whenever he was in the middle of working. He claimed that it was the only thing that kept him focused. Yeah, you had thought at the time, how could anyone fall asleep or enjoy anything when they only had ice chipping away at their heart? It had been a decent excuse to steal his jacket, though. Even now, you could still feel that his hands were chilled to the bone… almost as if he were…
Wait a minute.
Much to your lack of surprise, when you opened your eyes, you could see that you were, in fact, in the middle of a hospital room. You craned your head to the right. You could see that there was a curtain drawn up for your privacy. So, you were sharing a room. There was another bed on that side of you, and your gut assumed that MC was probably in the same room as you for the sake of privacy.
This would’ve been one of Jumin Han’s many hospitals that you found yourself in, after all. That was the only place they’d take you after something went wrong. It was a pattern that you’d gone through time and time again. Whether you were having a breakdown or struggling to make sense of reality. This was the place where you’d be sitting no matter what.
It was exhausting but at least it was safe. When Jumin wanted to keep things out of sight and mind, he’d sequester them away from the world for the sake of security.
Not that you were complaining about being in the same place as MC or anything. They weren’t so bad in person… they’d felt warm and welcoming when you had spoken to them. Even while being beaten within an inch of their life, they hadn’t lost their luster. It was a bright way to live, even if it was stupid to keep smiling knowing that it could be the end, and you could say that their aura had been what kept you going.
A part of you wanted to give up and roll over because Saeran didn’t deserve to walk into hell any time ever again, but MC didn’t want to give up on any of it. They kept on believing in hope until they couldn’t say another word. You wondered if you hadn’t been broken years ago by life and the rest of the world, would you act like that today? Would you believe in something higher than you and try your best to do good without thinking of anything else? Would you be that way even if the world cut deep?
When you turned your head to the other side, that’s when you figured out why your hand felt so cold in the first place. Saeran was slumped over the side of the bed with his head resting against your hip. The last thing that you remembered was that you were curled up in his arms. It seemed as though he stayed by your side as long as he could.
You still weren't sure of the extent of your injuries but you knew that it had been bad enough that you were going to be here for a little bit. Had he been there the entire time? Even though your body protested, you reached out and pressed your hand against the top of his head. It was soft. Back then, it felt like it was dry and coarse.
It was a reminder that you were living in the present. It warmed your heart to know that he was there. Despite the pain and everything else that was brewing, you were happy to know that he was there. You knew that you could get through anything as long as he was by your side. That was the way that it always has been. He wasn't going to go away now. You certainly weren't going to leave his side, either. If life itself hadn't been able to take you away then you doubted that anything was ever going to do it.
Tears burned at the corner of your vision. It was over. There was no monster left to be afraid of. How did that make you feel? How did that make him feel now? It was hard to describe the way that you were feeling. It felt like freedom and fire.
It was as if a weight had been lifted off of your shoulders. Of course, a lot of that weight had not been something that was yours to hold. Most of that weight belonged to him. But you held on to it because you were forever intertwined with him. It was simply a part of you because it was a part of him. There was so much that you still wanted to say but you had all the time in the world now.
He had time. You didn't have to rush into anything. It was just time. Time had always been your enemy but no longer would it stand in your way. You took the time to search for his hand so that you could hold it. Once you managed to find it laying tangled in the sheets, you pulled it closest you could to your chest. You wanted him to be close. This was as close as you could get him to be at the moment. It was late into the evening. You had no way of knowing how long anyone had been asleep.
But, you aren't the type to wake him up when he falls asleep. Call it what you may, an old habit or just a selfish whim, but the sight of seeing him finally resting without a care in the world was something that you would treasure forever. He had never been able to sleep. The few times that you had convinced him to do it with you had always ended up with nightmares. You would wind up coaxing him out of horrible memories and visions that even you didn't begin to understand.
Even if he wouldn't let you inside back then, you were close enough that you could make a difference. You just didn't know how much of a difference until recently. Of course, sometimes you could be known to be a dense person. It wasn't like you were the smartest person in the world. Sometimes you don't know how to take a hint. It was that stubborn attitude that had gotten you into the mess that you landed in the first place. It hadn't always been a bad thing. It was just a part of you. That attitude what's something that people have said would be your undoing eventually.
You always wondered if it would be what destroyed your life. Well, it was living while knowing that there was anger and frustration brewing in the back of your mind without anything to stop it. You were the kind of person that was trying out for help from someone, from anyone, and that's why you got tricked. How you wound up in the cold in the first place. Or rather, how you wound up knee-deep in Mint Eye.
To think that all of this has started because you were a perfectionist when it came to the garden. It was the flowers that brought you to him. Being in that garden again reminded you of that… of the very day when you met him for the first time. It hadn't occurred to you that he would come to mean as much as he did. You thought that he was nothing more than the loyal dog who would do anything for Paradise.
You believed him to be somebody that instilled fear in everyone… when in reality, it was him who was so very afraid of everything. Nobody would ever see that fear because he refused to let it show. Except for you. You got to see him. You got to see something that nobody else ever did. It was different with you… it was different. That's what he said.
You still didn't understand why he had trusted you so instantaneously but you were happy that he did. Well, maybe it wasn't an instant trust. He didn't make it easy for you. He always challenged your perspective and made you think twice. He made you think harder about what it meant to be dedicated and determined. The longer that you were with him, the more devoted that you became to a cause that wasn’t your own. You wanted it for him. You had satisfaction and pleasure for him for showing you a light that you had never seen before.
There were times when you felt like you were doing the wrong thing every day. Where you would say something or do something that would push him. But he still treated you better than anyone that you met in your entire life. That was saying a lot, though. You’d met a lot of people that you never met anyone like him. Even as he showed his fangs and spoke in such an uncouth manner… He was the first person to recognize something that nobody else ever had. He realized it without even having to ask.
That all you ever wanted was to be somebody who meant something to someone.
Even if the rest of the world didn't know who you were, even if the universe did not care, even if the world continued to spin without you tomorrow, you would always mean something to Saeran Choi. You meant something to him. He had given you what you had always wanted to be. It was far more than you could ever ask for. You felt like you were a lucky person to mean something to someone as amazing as him. Even if he didn't think that he was a good person. You knew that he was holding onto a lot of pain and regret.
But that didn't mean that you weren't willing to shoulder that with him. Whatever it meant going forward, you wanted to be by his side. Saeran seemed to want the same thing. Even though he’d been sleeping for however long he’d been by your side, you knew that he wanted to be there. He wouldn’t have stayed this long otherwise… he wouldn’t have faced his father and the strongest fear that he’d ever had if he didn’t want to be there for you.
You found yourself smiling despite everything. A real genuine smile. You couldn’t remember the last thing that you’d had one of those. Saeran was right here by your side and that was all you could ask for. You took a closer look at him and felt a choked laugh eat away at the back of your throat. What a sight… you never thought that you would see him like this again. What was going on in that head of his?
You grumbled, “You idiot, you’re wearing my jacket…”
All because you were sitting next to him and he was wearing his stupid leather jacket. You tried to scrub your eyes with the back of your free hand to get rid of those tears but they wouldn’t stop no matter how much you tried to wash them away. Seeing him wearing that again brought you to the past but in a good way. It felt warm… and no matter how cold the room was, the feeling that was in your chest remained hot. You never thought that he would want that jacket back… or that he would even think of touching it after it had been in your possession for so long.
It meant everything to you. That jacket had seen you through a living hell… through recovery and sleepless nights. It sat at the end of the bed while you stared at it, praying and willing Saeran to appear from thin air to no avail. It was a physical reminder that he existed and the reason why you hadn’t broken down completely and given up on yourself. It meant that Saeran had been real and nothing could take that away.
It was the last thing that he had given to you. It was the object in your possession that you would refuse to throw away. You would wrap it around your body and keep it as safe as can be. It was a safety blanket. It was your comfort device. You had missed the feeling of it keeping you warm despite the bitter chill. Laying in that basement with clothes that were only prepared for the court didn’t sustain body heat. It only left you clinging to MC to get by however long that you two had been trapped down there. You wanted this back.
But, to see him wearing it…
For a while, you wondered if wearing it the day when you met him again had been the reason why he was so wary of getting close to you. There had been shame in his eyes. Did his jacket remind him of the man he used to be back then? Did it remind him of the feelings that he had been working on in therapy for as long as he could?
You didn’t want to wear it around him if it upset him like that or brought back the worst for him, even if it was the very thing that made you feel the happiest that you could ever be during those months spent alone. You couldn’t tell. He never said anything about it but his eyes did linger on the jacket. Could he tell that you’d missed him all that time? You hadn’t asked outright what he thought about it. You assumed it was better to avoid it. Most things were better to avoid when it came to a bad day.
Your curiosity had always given you what you expected it would. It was this tangled mess of threads one after the other and nothing you did would undo those threads. Someone else had to untangle them and show you the way out of it. You weren’t strong enough to find the answers nor would anyone throw you a bone. But when you thought about what Saeran had done at that place, you knew that he did everything with the careful thought of knowing that something would happen. Be it good or bad.
It was almost like he knew that he was going to leave you that day… and the jacket had been his gift to tell you that you would have a piece of him always. But, you knew that Saeran didn’t get the time to think that far ahead. He couldn’t have known that things were going to go south back then. Yet, you still hadn’t asked him one damning question. How long had he been weaning you off of the elixir and why? Did he plan to get you out of Mint Eye back then? Did he want to take a chance to run? It never made sense when you spoke to the doctors about your health compared to the other believers.
Why had he done that, anyway? He had continued to take the elixir all that time, but he stopped giving it to you. Did he intend to stay? Did he want you to leave? What had been his thoughts at that moment? As committed as the two of you had been to ensure that his dream was finally given a chance to be completed, he seemed to change his mind at the last minute for some kind of reason. Had Rika held you over his head? You always wondered that after the fact but you had no way of knowing.
There was always some kind of mystery in your life when it came to your Saeran Choi, wasn’t there?
Well, you weren’t too broken up about it. Compared to the other secrets that had eluded you for months on end, this was nothing. You knew who he was, you knew he was free, and you knew that nothing could ever stop him from being happy. Rika was locked away, the prime minister was gone, and there was nothing else that you could think of that might have wanted to hurt him or destroy him the way that others had.
Unless he was hiding another secret brother that you didn’t know about apart from Saeyoung, there was no dangerous threat left, but you doubted that could be the case.
You’d be surprised if he was hiding something like that. You were just happy that Saeran was with you now, and that you could enjoy this moment by his side. Nothing else mattered and the rest of the world didn’t exist when you were with him. You didn’t need to stress about anything. You could hold onto him and breathe in deeply the scent of floral notes against the sharp clean smell in the room.
You could go back to sleep and wait for him to wake up but you found that you didn’t want to do that. You had been kept away from him long enough and you refused to leave him like this. Even your lingering exhaustion wasn’t going to take you away from him. Saeran might’ve been inside your dreams but it wasn’t the same. You sighed. “I do want that jacket back but I guess I’m not going to complain this time since you’d probably freeze to death, otherwise. You’re always too cold, Saeran.”
You let go of Saeran’s hand and decided to sit upright properly, ignoring the aching and protest of your bones, you closed your eyes and tried to center yourself. It had been too long since you could do that much. How long? It had been a day or so since you passed out at Mint Eye but you couldn’t be sure. You weren’t injured enough to sleep longer than that. Unless… Well, how bad was it?
You wiggled your fingers to ensure that they were intact—they were okay—but when you tried to move your toes, you winced. That’s when you noticed the weighted feeling under the blankets. That was what you thought it was, wasn’t it?
A cast.
That bastard had either broken your leg or sprained your ankle pretty bad. Great. You weren’t looking forward to using crutches. You had no memory of what happened when they tortured you in the basement but a few fleeting flashes. There was screaming and a lot of pain, and then when you tasted the elixir, that was about the moment when your memory shut down. That was all you could remember.
Was it worse for MC, though? They had been banged up all over the place in the basement, but they barely moved around when you’d come. How could you know for sure? Would it have been rude to pull back the curtain to check on them? Would they mind? After all, they had looked out for you after you had looked out for them. Survival could bond people together. You knew that from being in Mint Eye.
You pressed your face into your hands to scrub the lingering tears from your eyes but when you removed them and looked back at Saeran, you found that you were looking at him while he was looking right back at you. His eyes were transfixed on you, widened and unbelieving of what he was seeing. It was a look that you didn’t recognize on him… almost as if his eyes had softened and gone through a transformation that you weren’t aware of.
It was him, but… at the same time, it wasn't him. That thought didn’t make sense but it was what you felt. You didn’t care to make sense of it. He was here. He was here with you and that’s what mattered to you most.
Saeran seemed to tremble for the longest time and then his hand reached out for you. It wavered but you met him halfway. You grasped at his hand and interlocked your fingers together with a smile on your face. It didn’t matter what happened going forward, you wanted to be close to him and this was everything. Tears began to fall from his eyes as his lips trembled and he tried to say what was on his mind but he seemed unable to do it. So much had happened, and nobody else in the world could see him but you.
He was safe.
He didn’t need to hide his emotions.
“I’m here,” you said, softly. His hand jolted at the sound of your voice but you didn’t hesitate to continue and repeat the words that you always had when he was distressed from a nightmare. It reminded you of nights when he had nightmare after nightmare and his voice became fearful of things that you didn’t understand. He sounded so unlike himself but you didn’t care. You had wanted to comfort him and protect him from whatever he was afraid of. No matter what. You’d stay. “I promise. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
It was as if your voice had snapped him out of his fears. He let go of your hand only to throw his arms around your center so tightly. You tensed when he buried his face against your chest but let yourself relax. You wrapped an arm around his back and with the other, you smoothed out those red curls that had become messy after the days of staying by your hospital bed. It wasn’t often… no, Saeran never showed how vulnerable he could be like this. He would always bite his tongue and try to suppress it.
His fingers dug into the back of the hospital gown as if he assumed that you would disappear if he wasn’t holding onto you. You had that fear often but right now, it was far from your mind. As far as can be. His quiet voice was muffled against your chest but you could make out the words that he was saying, “Thank you, Saeran… thank you…”
You kept stroking his hair to calm him, “Did you hit your head back at Magenta? Granted, I can’t remember anything that happened after you guys saved me so maybe you did hit your head but… correct me if I’m wrong, but you’re Saeran, Saeran.”
“I’m…”
“You’re…?”
“It’s a… long story.”
“I think everything’s a long story these days. Your life… my life… our lives… together and far apart. I have all the time in the world, so if you’re willing to tell me the story… I’m willing to listen to it. After all, we’ve survived living in a waking nightmare for years on end together and apart, we lived through being separated for so long that it hurt, and we survived everything that the Prime Minister wanted to do to us. I can survive anything else that comes next. Even if it’s a long story.”
“...”
Even as lost as you had felt in the past few months, you were sure about this. Nothing could surprise you anymore. You were ready to accept things at face value. It couldn’t be as wild as the other truths that you had learned. You could handle it. You weren’t afraid of learning anything else because this was the path that you walked to walk into.
He lifted his head to look at you. His eyes didn’t look like Saeran’s did. They were the same color and the same feeling but what you saw wasn’t the way that he looked at you. Saeran had piercing eyes that were tired and weary from pain, but he would look at you with relief as his eyes shut and he leaned into you. The look on his face now was… almost innocent, clinging to hope and your every word like it was a prayer at the altar. It was adoration at its best, and you were touched by it.
“Once upon a time, there was a lonely boy locked in a cellar… he was left behind by the people that he thought he could trust and he didn’t know why because they didn’t tell him why. He had nobody but a witch who made him believe in her instead. He trusted her but she locked him up and made him work until his fingers bled. He never got to the sunshine… never… until he had proven that he wouldn’t run away. He kept working, even if the witch would only let him leave the cellar once every week,” his voice was quiet, almost a murmur that barely floated against the wind.
“But then, one day… when he left the cellar… he entered the garden… and that’s where he saw them. He saw a person who was tending so carefully to the iris. He’d never seen anyone like the person in the garden. They shined so brightly… their smile so otherworldly… he wanted to get to know them… but he wasn’t allowed. The witch knew that he wanted to be close to that person he had seen… so she made him a promise. If he proved that he could get what she wanted from her enemies, their enemies… she’d let him meet that person and she’d even… praise him and let him be known to them as… a savior like she was. But he couldn’t do it… he wasn’t strong like the witch wanted him to be.”
“He kept trying and trying… but he broke himself trying to be good enough. One day he was working hard and the next… he was gone… he was nothing… he didn’t exist. All he knew in that world was darkness… and he gave up. He gave up on meeting that person… the one that was so shiny and bright… he thought he would never know their smile. When he gave up on himself, someone else took his place… and then that someone suffered and eventually gave up on himself, too… and then another took his place… that another someone being… Saeran… the one who tried to stipend his heart so he’d never give up like the other two… but he saw that person… the same one the first boy saw… and he fell in love with them, too… just as the other two had… but Saeran…”
He hesitated the more that he got deeper into his story. You could understand what he was trying to say to you but it seemed like he couldn’t find a way to explain it properly. He was looking for a way to say it without saying it. Saeran didn’t talk like that. He would be blunt and get down to the point that he wanted to say. That’s how you knew he wasn’t Saeran. Still, you felt like you’d known him, too.
Or, at the very least, you had an idea of him. If his story was true… Well, that meant that he’d seen you well before Saeran ever had. It meant that he’d known you when you had joined the group in the first place… and he wanted to know you better, but Rika had stopped him. She’d stopped him because it was useful to dangle a treat on a string in front of someone. It worked, for what it was worth, but it was a cruel way to control people since they’d never get the prize at the end of the line.
Would things have been different if you’d met him first, instead of Saeran?
“But, Saeran didn’t want to give up,” you concluded from the story. Your brow was lined with confusion but you seemed to be piecing the dots together. “Saeran wanted to be happy, like the other two, but the difference between him and them is that… he grabbed what he wanted… even if there were risks for him, right? He was… no, he had to be scared, too. But he did something the other two didn’t. So… it changed how the story had been going up until that point right? He reached for the iris that he wanted.”
Wordlessly, he nodded his head and buried his face again. It seemed as though he had said what he could and that was much as he could muster. You had questions but you were starting to see what he meant. It seemed as though… there were more people with Saeran who had existed in his life… and perhaps, the trauma of Mint Eye had hurt him so much that he broke into pieces or something like that. You weren’t all that knowledgeable about mental illness apart from what you suffered from but it made sense.
If someone was hurt enough… wasn’t it possible that they could fragment into pieces? You could imagine a broken plate… with pieces that came together to make a whole again, but with missing a big gap in the middle of it, there was no way to find a whole. Maybe the plate had never been a whole plate, to begin with. Maybe it was always pieces instead. There was nothing wrong with a lot of pieces. It was still the man you loved. It was still red hair, bright eyes, freckled cheeks, and calloused hands. Even if his name wasn’t Saeran, you knew you cared for him.
The way that he hugged you felt just like…
You asked, “Was it you… if it’s okay to ask, that is… Was it you, back then, who woke up crying from those nightmares back when we were in Magenta?”
His breath hitched. Slowly, he nodded again as he held you tighter. “Not all of the nightmares were mine when that happened. Most of the dreams were his… I mean, they were Saeran’s nightmares. We all… have nightmares… it was really bad in that place so I can’t remember not having nightmares. I mean… sometimes, you comforted me instead of Saeran, if that’s what you’re asking. Back then, I… I thought I didn’t exist anymore… I thought… I thought I was dreaming it was you with me and I was scared too… I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to take time or love from Saeran. I know you’re in love with him and that you want him… ever since Saeran figured out that he loved you, too, it’s been so much… and I… I’ve been… I’m back and I…”
“It’s okay, it’s okay, I promise,” you shushed him, gently.
You understood that he wasn’t Saeran but he had always been there with him. That meant that you cared for him, too. It could be a different kind of care. He’d been trying to look after Saeran, so you knew he was a good person. You didn’t know what he felt or what he was going through, but you’d decided that you were okay. You could handle anything. You were looking forward and that could only mean that you were determined to find the person inside of you that you’d lost along the way.
The kind person buried underneath all the pain.
“Saeran’s here,” he said. His trembling fingers pulled at the back of the gown. He looked at you through messy red bangs. “We’re here… together. My voice is… stronger right now because he’s been awake ever since he saved you. I took over because… he needed to sleep and I didn’t know how else to get him to… I was afraid of losing you and when Father took you from us, I just… I suddenly felt like I existed again. I won’t be here forever, just until the morning, I think, then he will be back and I’ll—I’ll leave you alone… I just… I just wanted to see you one last time before I disappear again. I know it will happen again and I—”
With a gentle press of your lips against the top of his head, you smiled. It was as reassuring as you could muster. “I think I understand. I’m grateful that Saeran stayed by my side… he’s my guard dog. That’s why I love him. I know that I can trust him with my life. I know he’d give me the same faith. If he needs to rest tonight, I’ll remind him that I love him when the sun rises. But you, you’re not my Saeran. You’re someone I haven’t officially met yet… but I don’t think you’ll disappear. After all, if you’ve survived just like Saeran and I… I’m sure you’ll be here for a long time.”
A whimper tugged at the back of his throat. You could remember what it felt like to feel like you weren’t loved… to feel like you weren’t wanted… to feel like a waste of time and space… and to feel like you didn’t belong anywhere.
That’s how you felt until Saeran had come charging into your life and made you think about what that meant… and what it could mean if you tried to change it somehow. He made you see differently and that feeling charged you with something that you never could’ve found on your own. You never would’ve looked outside of the box if he hadn’t yanked you first. If he needed to hear what you did all that time, you were happy to share it with him.
There was so much that you didn’t know but you wanted to know. You wanted to listen and you wanted to learn. If it started with this, then you were ready. Of course, you had a lot brewing in the back of your mind when it came to what you wanted to ask Saeran… but that could wait for now. It wasn’t like he was going anywhere. You told him how you felt in a pitiful display back at Mint Eye, right? Saeran knew you loved him and you knew you loved him. That’s what mattered the most.
This was a new beginning of sorts… and you were prepared for the long road ahead.
“Just because Saeran picked one iris from my garden doesn’t mean that I don’t have more iris to spare,” you murmured. “If Saeran’s going to be resting until morning, I think I’d like a chance to get to know you, too… whoever you are. You’re not interrupting my time with him, I promise you that. Besides, knowing how he and I talk… we’ll be sitting there for hours in silence, trying to will an answer out of each other all over again.”
“...It’s Ray. My name is Ray.”
“That’s a pretty name.”
“Saeran thinks yours is prettier.”
“Oh, really? I’ll have to ask him about that later, Ray.”
—
Left on the concrete in front of a lonely grave that was only visited by one person and one person alone was a set of flowers. A bushel of white chrysanthemums, to be exact. There had been other flowers wilting on the backside of the grave, but those had been from someone who was deeply in mourning for a lost love. Saeran knew who had left the flowers that had begun to wilt but he’d leave that to mystery for those that didn’t know the connection and weren’t meant to.
He wasn’t here to express any pity for one-sided love that would never be returned. That wasn’t his story to deal with. That was for that businessman to come to terms with and nobody else. He was here to make peace with something that had been eating away at him for months, and he felt like it was time for him to make good on his promise. He remained crouched in front of the grave as the flowers he’d placed sat there, petals rustling in the wind as the blue roared overhead. As it turned out, today was a beautiful day.
Saeran felt like it was mocking him in some ways. It seemed unfair that the sky would shine brightly on a day like today. He was in front of the grave of the man that he’d killed. Yeah, he wasn’t sure that it was a good idea even now. His therapist warned him that visiting the grave wouldn’t help him if he wasn’t prepared for the discomfort and other emotional duress that it may cause. He knew that. He knew that it wasn’t always a good idea to push himself when he felt the twinge of disgust.
However, as sullen and tired as he was these days, he knew that if he wanted to handle himself, he had to face things that made him sick. He wasn’t forcing himself to do it. He decided that it was something that he needed to do. As it turned out, Ray wanted to make peace with this pain as well. He hadn’t been around when… it happened… but he had memories of V and he wanted closure for that chapter of his life since he’d lost the chance to make peace with Mint Eye and the rest of it after that time that he spent floating in the darkness.
Saeran was still adjusting to the fact that… he wasn’t alone. He didn’t know how to confront it because it smacked him so roughly one day but deep down, he felt like he always knew that he wasn’t alone. His therapist had helped him learn terminology and how to navigate this strange situation over the past sessions that he’d sat through. He discovered that their trauma tainted all aspects of their mind from a young age. It didn’t just harm them physically.
It fractured every piece inside of that young Saeran Choi… and blooming from that discontent was alters who helped them survive.
He had no clue who existed before him… before the other Saeran… before Ray… but all of the parts had helped this body survive. For some reason, they survived because nobody gave up all the way. They kept going and going and going. It was unlike Saeran, honestly. He didn’t see his personality as someone who kept fighting like that. He didn’t believe in hope, in dreams, in the fairytales of the past, or a lot of other bright things. No, even though Mint Eye and his father were gone, he was still apathetic and struggling.
But, that was realistic and human, he had learned. Even if the threat went away, the pain of the past stayed. It was up to him to figure out how to live it. It wasn’t like he was doing it alone at this point. He had someone by his side that wasn’t trapped in the tangled web of his mind to see through things with. You were with him and that was more than he could ever ask for. He had a lot of mistakes to deal with but you were never one of them. You were a blessing that he could say that he was certain he didn’t deserve. But, you stayed. You refused to go.
Even with revelation after revelation, you’d decided to stick by him. If it wasn’t one thing, it was another. You wouldn’t leave him because of Mint Eye, Rika, Saejoong, or even Ray. You stood by him and accepted it with grace… even if there was a scowl on your lips now and again as you dealt with your grief and misery. However, that was why you worked so well. You and he could sit there in the dark underneath the blanket of stars without saying a word but knowing that you were safe and sound.
His favorite thing to do with you was to lay under the sky as much as he could. It didn’t matter if it was day or night. You were stuck to him like glue and he with you. Even knowing that there’d be a lack of expressive affection, you were fine with that. You always had been that way. Simply grateful to hold onto his hand and lay by his side, you’d turn your head to meet his eyes now and again to smile. You had a way of speaking that didn’t need words. You could merely look at him and know what he wanted to say. It was… strange but it had always been that way.
His connection to you was always something… otherworldly and electric. It just worked and made sense.
There was no reason to question it. Of course, he had to take his time trying to be by your side and made sense of your confusion. Your lingering questions from Mint Eye about his actions at the end haunted him for a while until he could tell you why he did what he did. Back then, even he didn’t understand why he had started to shift away from everything. But, it had so much to do with the fact that Rika started to dangle you in front of him as she’d done with Ray.
Somewhere deep down inside of his chest… he knew that he needed to fight it if he wanted to stay with you forever, and… that was how he decided to make a fake elixir that would remove it from your system over time. It was something that seemingly came out of thin air in the back of his mind as he festered over the anger he felt. That woman… if she’d simply let him exist with you, he might’ve never tried to turn against Mint Eye at the last minute. It was his connection to you that pulled him out of it. It was you that made him think differently.
He had been lost in the darkness but… the idea of losing you had been enough to make him do something against everything that he’d been taught to believe. Even if he couldn’t bring himself to commit to what he wanted to do… leave with you or stay… he had enough sense to know you needed to stop drinking that poison. That choice… that choice changed everything for him and explaining that situation to you had drained him.
Yet, you had held onto his hands as he began to break down. You did that a lot, he realized. You always stayed there by his side when he needed someone… whether he needed you to speak to him or not. It was a warm feeling… he didn’t have to stress about what was right or wrong. You understood. You had been through this before on your own and you understood. It was just as he did the same for you in return.
You stayed in the room if that was what he needed from you. You adapted. You adjusted. You listened. You knew how to handle it somehow. It never made any sense, but then again, nothing in his life had ever made any sense. Even if you claimed that you were a bitter person filled to the brim with anger and spite, there was a heart inside of you that he couldn’t seem to find in himself.
Maybe that’s why he wanted to believe in you in the first place, anyway. He didn’t know. But what he did know was that he loved you even if he couldn't always say it aloud. He squeezed your hands and looked deeply into your eyes when he wanted to say it. You would smile and squeeze back. Adjusting to this new freedom in life… wasn’t easy but you were in it and he knew it’d be better that way.
Ray agreed with that. He was around… slipping into consciousness when Saeran was overwhelmed or beside himself.
He never did anything to step on Saeran’s toes or make a fuss about his existence. He preferred to be quiet and stay out of the way, tending to things that he could do while Saeran was away… if he wasn’t doing chores to mind his time, he would be by your side, speaking to you and getting to know you the way he always wanted. He would avoid Saeyoung and MC like the plague. But, frankly, so did Saeran on his worst days.
Ray was… very much infatuated with you but he wasn’t doing anything out of line. That much he could understand at face value. He knew that because it was the same feeling that he felt for you before he got to know you properly. The strongest desire to be able to grasp at something shiny and out of your league. It was something to think about. Not that it was going to go anywhere at this moment.
He wouldn’t, not without asking you or Saeran first, do anything or ask for something too much or too little.
For now, Ray just wanted to exist doing things that he never got the chance to do and you were content to be his first best friend. Saeran was… happy for Ray. Even if there’d be a tangled road ahead of them to make sense of their past, present, and future, there was nothing more for them to do but accept it and work together to make the best of it. Progress could be made as long as they were willing to collaborate. He had dealt with harder things in his life.
Compared to everything else that he had gone through, this was much easier to handle. But all around him, life was… changing. In ways that he expected and in ways that he couldn't account for.
After a lot of deliberation on the subject, Saeyoung finally relented on something. Even though his paranoia found safety in knowing that the bunker was the safest place that they could be, now that most of their demons have been taken care of, he had no reason to hide behind locked doors. They didn't have to live underground in a sealed space that made it hard to breathe.
He came to that conclusion all on his own before he came to rest in front of his brother with a stack of documents. He had sorted out houses… and he wanted Saeran to look at them. Why? Well, since Saeran needed a nice yard for a garden. He and MC didn't need much else to be happy… so, it was Saeran's choice. So once in his life, he was allowed to choose something.
He picked a house with a nice porch on the back so that you could stay in the shade and watch him work if you wanted. Even if he knew that you would be right out there with him in the sun most of the time. It was the visual of knowing that he could imagine a space with you. It was knowing that he could have a place where you and he could be together. Because there was no way he was going anywhere without you in tow.
You'd agreed to move in with him, MC, and Saeyoung. He was surprised that you were willing to put up with the latter, but if you could face the devil for him then you could surely face the Clown, too.
The RFA members… were still around and doing their own thing. Saeran didn't keep up with them much. However, he'd heard from MC that at last, after five months of debate, they were going to hold another party. This time, they were going to celebrate the new head of the organization. That being Jumin Han, with MC right under him as the secondary. They couldn't erase the past but they could move forward with the future. That meant Jumin taking things as officially as he could now, and MC stepping up to set in motion their goals.
The group was entangled with things that could never be erased from Rika’s involvement to the Prime Minister. It was embroiled in history and drama, but that didn’t mean that it had to end on that note. Nobody wanted the group to go down that way. So, they were changing their goals to something meanwhile. The group was going to be doing what V and Rika should’ve done for the twins… look out for kids in trouble that needed someone around to ensure that nothing bad ever happened to them from outside threats.
This world didn’t have to be destructive to innocent kids, and with that much in mind, Saeran could agree with it.
They were even floating around changing the title of the organization. Given the fact that Jumin had been in control of the group for such a long time, Saeran assumed that they’d be putting his name on it. But, as far as that went, he didn’t care to ask. They could have their group together and enjoy the company within it. Maybe one of these he wouldn’t feel sick when he was around them but for now, he was fine keeping them at arm’s length. He had you… and now and again, Saeyoung and MC.
For the time being, that was all he needed to feel content. A house that wasn’t underground… a decent family… and the pitter-patter of that dreadful robotic cat that had to clung to MC’s side.
All and all, it was a life that he never expected he could be living. For whatever reason, he was alive and he had to accept that and make do with it. There were times when he couldn’t make sense of that feeling when he felt like maybe the universe had given him something that he didn’t deserve, but it always faded when he remembered that there was no true rhyme or reason for why something happened. There was no cosmic gain or loss. Things happened because they happened, and nothing more than that.
Your hand rested against his shoulder. It was gentle yet firm; a reminder that he could stay strong in the face of something that had been eating away at him. Hell, you probably didn’t feel as well at the moment but you were good at masking it. “Saeran? You’ve been quiet for a bit, is it okay?”
“I’m alright, it’s fine,” his jaw was tense. It was obvious that he wasn’t alright but he was trying to mull his way through his thoughts to make sense of it. “Don’t worry yourself stupid, Iris. I’m just… thinking about everything, that’s all.”
“Well, don’t think so hard you grind your gears,” you grumbled.
You crouched down next to him so that you could lay down a bundle of black roses with a single purple iris in the center of them. He watched you from the corner of his vision as you closed your eyes and silently inspected the grave.
You murmured, “I can say thank you, Jihyun. If you hadn’t gotten me out of the basement when you did, then Saeran might have gotten seriously injured trying to find me back then. I don’t think I’ll ever understand what kind of person you were, but I don’t think you even knew who you were. One thing is for sure, I know you cared about Saeran and Saeyoung, even if you fucked up horribly along the way. But, I’m still upset with you for many things in your life, and I don’t think I’ll be okay with some of those choices you made… if ever. But, thank you, for what you did for me in the end, if nothing else. I hope you rest going forward.”
Your rose… was a symbol of mourning. But, at the same time, it was a mark that said that new life could be found. It was for rebirth but it was also the end. It was the start of something and the end of something. The cycle of life itself stood in those roses. But the purple iris was your way of expressing yourself as you were in the past and present. He could remember that in one culture, irises were a symbol of the messenger of the Gods. A goddess who guided souls to the heavens gracefully and with care.
Someone who watched over the deceased and brought them to the afterlife.
It was a perfectly viable choice for someone like you to pick. He understood why you did it. It was a token of your kindness despite everything. You choose to give a gift instead of burning a bridge. You were better than he was, though. He expected that much from you. You had chosen a feminine symbol purely due to the information that you’d learned about Jihyun’s mother, didn't you? You wanted to ask her spirit to take her son to the next life. Without saying it, you gifted V your final gesture of gratitude.
Silently, you slipped your hand into his and squeezed it three times in a row. It was your way of telling him that you loved him and that he could handle this.
Saeran took in a breath. You were right. It was a complicated story that he didn’t like to tell, but at the very end, he could say that this wasn’t his end. It was closing a chapter but it wasn’t going to end his story. He could let go of this part of the story and try to find the next chapter where it continued the long journey ahead. He was glad that his next chapters were going to be filled with a life where he could be with you. If nothing more, the rest of his story would be what he wanted to live as long as you were there with him to see the next page.
He looked at the grave once more. The name that reflected at him only reminded him of the sticky feeling against his hands. This life that he had taken… even if it had been in the midst of a loss of reality… was still a life taken. As stupid as he thought Jihyun Kim had been, he knew that the selfless man wouldn’t want Saeran to hate himself or blame himself. No, he wanted Saeran to make something of himself. Whatever the hell that meant.
“I don’t think I should be here, V,” Saeran said, his voice quiet as he thought about what he wanted to say. “A part of me still hates you, and the other part of me misses you. I guess I’ll never know how to feel about you. But, I said that I owed you a thank you for the information you gathered. If it wasn’t for what you did… then [Y/N] would probably be dead right now and I would be a puppet for my father if he hadn’t killed me already for not serving a purpose for his schemes. Your actions prevented me from being used as a tool again… my worst fear is to go through that again… and now, I don’t need to be afraid of that. So, thank you for that.”
“There was a time in my past… a long… long time ago… when I thought that maybe we could live together happily. Maybe I wanted that because I thought if I stayed with you and Rika, my brother would come back and I would be good enough to be with him again. Because he trusted you two… even though he shouldn’t have done that. But, it’s whatever, now. I have my brother back and I have [Y/N]. This is my life now and I’m going to live it. For a long time, I didn’t have a choice or a say. You decided, Saeyoung decided, and Rika decided. You all got to decide my life and fate… but not anymore. I define my life now and nobody else ever will. This is my life and I’m choosing it.”
“I can’t take back what I did. I can’t. I can’t say I’m sorry and mean it… I… I can’t change it. What’s done is done now and I want to live now without feeling your blood caking my hands every night when I go to bed. Maybe I won’t be able to get rid of that feeling because you’re always there to haunt me when I sleep. But, this is me thanking you for giving me the chance to be free… even at the cost of losing your life for it. That’s all. That’s all I wanted to say. Bye, Jihyun.”
That was what he needed to say.
There was probably more but he didn’t think he had it in him to confront it. The overwhelming feeling of something tugging hard at the back of his head told him that this was all that he could stomach. He pushed himself off of the ground and you followed right behind just as you noted that he was ready to go. The more steps he took towards the entrance of the graveyard you were in, the more it felt like a weight was coming off of his chest.
He didn’t dare look back at the grave because a part of felt like if he did look, there might be a mint-haired specter that wanted to follow him home. He couldn’t escape the past but he let it rest behind him if nothing else. It would always be there and it would come out at the worst time and the best time. Accepting that was the only way to keep living. He kept looking forward so that he didn’t stumble. In the distance at the gates, he saw Saeyoung and MC were waiting for you both to return so that you could head home.
Home, huh?
Saeran could feel the fabric of your leather jacket as you slipped underneath his arm and tucked your arms around his waist. The familiar feeling was safe. It was as if you were Iris guiding him to heaven where he could find peace. You were the one that made him challenge everything in this world and find something worth living. He chuckled, almost bitterly, knowing that the price of happiness always came with a mixture of pain. It hadn’t been an easy road and it wasn’t going to suddenly become easy going forward.
However, it was going to be a life and he wasn’t going to waste it now that it had been given to him in the first place. Saeran wrapped his arm around your waist and slowed his pace from the speeding jog to a slow walk. He didn’t need to be overwhelmed. He could handle this. Even if things got tough again, as long as his beloved Iris was there to guide him through the darkness to the light on the other side, he would walk through the shadows until he found the sky once again. That blue, blue sky…
“Hey, Iris?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you think instead of heading home tonight… could we finally try to make that ice cream with all the flavors?”
“Really? I thought you forgot all about that… or at the very least, thought I was joking. Do you think that’s doable? I mean, there’s a lot of mix-ins that go into those ice creams. We’d have to go and…”
“Steal Saeyoung’s wallet.”
“I was going to say, if you told him ‘pretty please, big brother’, he might do it with tears in his eyes… but I don’t think you’d stoop to that level… even for ice cream. So, it looks like the choice is stealing Saeyoung’s wallet! He owes us, anyway, wouldn’t you say so?”
That rare smile on Saeran’s face was all because of you.
Pairing: Choi Saeran/Reader, 707 | Choi Luciel/Main Character
Description: Was there faith in a false paradise with a savior that spilled honey sweet lies to make you agree? There is no life to be found amongst those in a rotting flowerbed, only those clinging to the roots as the world awaits your demise. Why is he still here when others had long been plucked from the dying earth? And better yet, why are you still here after everything, clinging to his roots as if he’ll bring you life? Or is he the one clinging to you?
SE Saeran x Former Believer Reader
Word Count: 12400
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Chapter Twenty-Two
“Thanks for your cooperation, MC.”
“Ugh…”
With an unceremonious drop to the ground, MC was shoved to the ground in front of you by the guards again. They weren’t even bothering to keep the two of you separate anymore. It seemed like they knew that neither of you had any way to escape anymore. It wasn’t like you had enough skill in hacking to make a difference if you got your hand on a phone. Unknown had always given you a leg-up whenever you tried to help him. You knew that he had made it easier on you, or at the very least, he gave you tasks that weren’t as complex.
It meant that you had no clue how to get in touch with him. It didn’t matter, though, they had taken your phone a long time ago. You assumed that they were going to use it to send messages out to the RFA or Saeran. You had a line to Jumin even if you didn’t use it, and you had Saeran’s name marked off in there as well. You had no clue if they had taken MC’s phone, though. That one had direct lines to the RFA messenger and could be used a lot more than yours could. But, you weren’t sure what the goal was.
He wanted his sons to come to this place so that he could get rid of them or worse, that much you did know. You wished that you could piece more together but you were in a daze. You were more or less lucky because the treat of elixir hadn’t floated back into the room yet. When he said that, it made your skin crawl and you feel like you were going to be sick. The very idea of that flavor being on your tongue again made you want to throw up. You didn’t have the stomach for anything like that. Something too sour… something so bitter that it felt like you were tasting air laced with thick poison.
You thought that Jumin’s team had removed all of it. He said that they had collected most of it and were trying to understand the chemical makeup to counteract any of the side effects and remaining lingering toxins in victims’ bodies. After all, it was a cocktail of drugs, and you needed to make sure that nobody’s stomach was destroyed in the process. You were fortunate that it hadn’t done more damage to your body, frankly.
There were burns in the top of your throat that seldom seemed to heal but apart from that, your intestines weren’t destroyed. Sometimes you had a hard time eating but apart from that… it wasn’t the end of your world. There were still things that you could enjoy on a bad day. Many of the other believers hadn’t been as lucky.
Saeran hadn’t said much about what it had done to him… but he had been drinking something ten times stronger than anything that you ever took. When you sat down with him, he barely wanted to eat what was placed in front of him. It must have killed most of what little appetite he already had. He ate the entire pint of ice cream that you had placed in your mini-fridge, though. Seeing him do that made you feel better about his eating habits. It had been nice to see that he could have what he wanted.
Yet, it stung, all the same, the more you realized that his suffering was done alone. You had been alone but you had a hospital and people to interact with. He didn’t have that. Knowing that he must’ve been living in hiding again to stay away from his father all this time… well, it bothered every part of your heart. You couldn’t believe that. You couldn’t believe that he was forced to go into the darkness again.
Seeing his cheeks stained with freckles had given you false hope that he freed himself. You wanted to believe that he was finally free but…
Saeran wasn’t truly free and his suffering had been far from over. He went from dealing with one demon to another. You wished that you had been stronger, but what could you have done? It was in the past now and you knew… you knew that you probably would’ve just got in the way. Even if being there would’ve helped him feel less like a caged animal, he would’ve been hurting no matter what. You couldn’t fight the Prime Minister. You were just… somebody… nobody.
You were just… [Y/N].
You were a former member of a religious cult.
You were a former gardener to the Savior herself.
You were a former assistant to the head of security in said cult.
None of those titles was good enough to get you out of this basement. You didn’t hold any of the cards. You never had. You had always been a pawn in someone else’s game. It didn’t matter if it was Rika or Saejoong. You were being used against the one that you had come to love the most. That’d be the truth. You loved Saeran more than anything and nothing was ever going to change that fact. Maybe it was stupid, maybe you were an airhead, but at the very least, you knew what was in your heart… as bitter and dark as it was.
Being in this place only reminded you of what little good you received from Mint Eye. It had tried to break you down even more than you already were from the start, but you had already hit rock bottom and thought you would sink no lower. You had been clinging to the hope that you might have found a place that wanted you because you were worth keeping, but it turned out that you were replaceable in the end. You were nothing, just as anyone else had turned out to be. Every soul was replaceable in Mint Eye.
Even Saeran.
Now, Mint Eye was being used as a place to get rid of you once again. Except for this time, it wasn’t a Savior sitting on a throne that wanted to get rid of you.
It was the Prime Minister who wanted to get rid of you simply for the reason that his twisted past would ruin him. This man wanted to hold all the power in the country and nothing was going to get in his way. If the people knew who he was? They would never want to see him again, lest it be in a jail cell. It was the same thing that happened to Rika.
You had a hard time trusting anyone who smiled as if they were made of light and honey. All because people in power seemed to be laced with corruption and darkness. At least, Saeran had been honest with you about his anger and misplaced desires. He didn’t lie to you when he spoke about what he wanted. Rika and Saejoong? They had lied to you from the start. Why would you ever trust someone like that ever again? It would be the stupidest choice that you could ever make in your life.
Granted, you had made plenty of those in your life… but you weren't about to do that again if you had a say in things. The last thing you wanted to do was relive your past. You wanted to move on to something better than all this pain. You wanted to free yourself from the unwavering saturation of false sunshine. You wanted to see the sky and not wince from the glow of the embers overhead for another day.
However, there wasn’t much you could do now. This was a hopeless situation that had no way out other than a plot six feet under the dirty ground. Only your death was going to get you out of this damned place… and if not your death, then it would be the death of the person you loved the most that would come at the cost.
You were trapped in this damned basement with no way to escape. You knew that there was only one exit. There was nothing but darkness and the walls caving in around you. It was suffocating and even though you had managed to curb the feeling of desperate air in your lungs, it stung to know that you were a joke to the universe. It was a joke to think that you had any power to try to change anything, wasn’t it?
What could you do?
Nothing.
That was the point.
There was nothing that you could do and Saejoong had made sure of it. As you tried to wrap your head around what to do, you found no answers. You found nothing that could help you get out of this mess. You saw nothing but the same ending over and over again. You saw yourself falling to the ground in a pool of blood where your life came to an end… all because you allowed yourself to try to believe in love again. Was that even a crime? Was it a crime to love someone so dearly that you’d believe in hope again?
It couldn’t be a crime, but it was a weakness that could be exploited by those that wanted to hurt you and use you. Saejoong seemed to understand that sentiment very well. He ripped MC by the arm and then dumped them here again. You could only assume he had used them in a photo or a video message to threaten the twins. They were too worn for wear. You felt bad for the state that they wound up in but wallowing wasn’t doing you any good.
It wasn’t your fault that MC was down in this basement, and it wasn’t yours, either. It was all due to the fault of Saejoong Choi. Neither of those twins had once seemed to allude to their relation to the man and honestly, if this was the kind of man that he was, you doubted that either one of them wanted to go out of their way to destroy him. They could’ve lived in hiding forever out of sight and out of mind without bothering him.
He was the one that made it a problem. Saejoong was the one who was making this an issue. God, he could’ve done worse than what he was doing to you and MC and you’d had no way of knowing.
What a fucking monster… and he pretended he was such a saint. That was the worst kind of person that you could imagine. Someone who stood by the shining light and pretended to be a God while they put a knife in the back of those that needed help the most. You had no faith in someone who wanted to be a false god. You have been down this road already. You knew the ending… well, you’d know the ending to the story. Rika was a different kind of villain than Saejoong, and you never had to face someone like this.
This was… out of your league, and clearly, it was out of MC’s league, too.
MC wasn’t trained whatsoever. Saeyoung had done all that work on his own when he was fighting off Saeran. He would’ve refused an MC with those skills and it would have risked the entire plan if it occurred to them that this was a trap. You’d chosen MC for a reason… because they had no way to help themselves out of that hole. They were just a regular person with an average life, but with this heart that was too big for its own good.
A heart like that was easy to manipulate. It wouldn’t be that much trouble and it hadn’t been in the end. MC walked right into everything. Somehow, someway, they had stayed despite the trouble that they walked into. It made them a good person. It made them better than you, but you already knew that to be the case. They were better than you in many ways… they were someone who had willingly walked into a building knowing in their gut that something was wrong.
You walked into Mint Eye because you craved to be desired by someone who didn’t leave you feeling like an outcast. You walked into Mint Eye knowing that something was wrong but you turned a blind eye to everything because of what you wanted. You never got it in the end… not what you’d expected.
MC walked into that apartment because they wanted to help someone and do a good deed. They never once thought that they were being tricked. They choose to do something selflessly… all the while you clung onto a selfish hope. It was where the two of you were different. You had wanted badly to fit in but no matter where you went, you never belonged. MC shined like a star in the sky. They belonged anywhere they wanted to be and the only place that you belonged and felt at ease with was with Saeran.
Maybe you were jealous of them.
But that didn’t matter anymore. You were in the same boat… and nothing was going to change that fact. It didn’t matter how you decided to live your lives. Saejoong would decide the end… It didn't matter if you were good or evil in your life, if someone wanted you dead, they would find a way to do it and get rid of you before anyone could be the wiser. You were surprised that Saejoong hadn’t taken proof of you alive as soon as you got here and then gotten rid of you right away to avoid the trouble involved in keeping captives alive.
As long as he had one piece of proof for the two of you, he could’ve easily tricked Saeran and Saeyoung.
Even as smart as they were, photos didn’t lie.
There was no skill you had that would get you out of that basement. MC was in no shape to fight back, either. There was no way. You knew that you were stuck between a rock and a hard place. It was always like this. So, you sat there in the dark, not knowing how much time had passed since it was impossible to know when the sun had set or risen. You wished that you could do more but it was impossible. This was impossible. You hated it but that was the truth that you had to face now and forever.
It was just the cold, damp walls with nothing but dim candles lighting the path. It was the horrid basement that nobody wanted to reside within. You were lucky that you still had the clothes on your back. You longed for the comfort of Saeran’s thick jacket draped around you so tightly but you hadn’t worn it into the courthouse… you’d left it back in your hotel room with Saeran so that he knew that you’d be coming back right away.
You never went anywhere without that jacket on anymore. It was glued to your side because you loved the feeling that came with closing your eyes and thinking about Saeran holding you. That had always been a rare treat… feeling his warmth.
It was a wish that you held for months but now that you knew what it felt like to be enveloped in his embrace again… well, you wanted it back. You would scream and cry and act like a child if it would’ve gotten you what you wanted. You just wanted his arms wrapped around you again. You wanted to turn back time so that you could be there in his arms for just a few more minutes… just a few more seconds… just… just a little longer so you couldn’t forget what it felt like again.
Saeran was slipping away again.
You didn’t have it, though. You had the shirt on your back and the jeans you were wearing. They were disheveled and torn. It was barely enough to keep you warm. It was better than nothing but you were chilled to the bone. If anything, you could be comforted that Saeran was warm and safe for the time being. He had the jacket that you adored. He could see it and know that you wore it with love and care. If something went wrong, he had that.
You thought that it would reassure him if he grew anxious the longer that the day grew long. But, as it turned out, the jacket was the only thing that he had of yours that remained in that room to remind him that you existed at the same time as him. It was a cruel joke. Would he forgive you if he knew?
How would he feel when he woke up and realized that you were gone? Would he panic and rush outside despite knowing what danger he was in? Would he hurt himself to find you? Would he know what happened to you? Would he assume that you ran off after the trial because you felt sick to your stomach? Would he realize that you had been kidnapped? Or would he find out when Saejoong sent him a message?
It was almost a bitter irony that he had given you that jacket when he said goodbye… and it was being forced on you to say goodbye to him. Once again, the people who wanted to control your strings were determined to keep you and Saeran apart. It wasn’t fair… it wasn’t right. The only thing you wanted was to be with Saeran. It didn’t matter where you were, as long as you were by his side. It was a simple wish but you were a simple person. You didn’t need the bells and whistles in your life.
All you wanted at the end of the day was a day underneath the sunshine with Saeran. You wanted him to lay his head in your lap while you played with his hair, knowing that he would whine and huff underneath his breath if you dared to tease him. As long as you were alone, you would be able to see sides of Saeran that nobody else would. Nobody else would ever know that he had such a crass attitude that bit at your heels to get your attention. He wouldn’t ask for something outright if he wanted it.
No, he’d give you that look that you knew very well before gesturing for you to join him.
Neither of you was big on that mushy-gushy romance crap, but what did matter to you was the ability to hold onto each other on the worst day. You wanted to look to the side and know that he was there with you. If all you could do was hold his hand and watch the clouds, you would be so happy to have that. If that was it, if that was all your life was, that would be okay. That would be a dream and a truly happy way to exist. You wanted Saeran, you wanted him so badly, but you didn’t want him around if it meant that he would be walking into his death.
He suffered enough, you thought. There was no need to suffer anymore… even if it meant that he might lose you. He deserved his freedom. You wished and prayed that he would choose it instead of rushing into the fire but knowing him… knowing the man that once was your boss, you knew that his anger would drive him to do anything and everything to get you back. You just hoped he would think it through before he got himself killed.
Would it be okay?
Would the RFA even want to save you?
Would they even care?
You didn’t know. You knew that they cared about MC and they would want to save them… and if you were saved, it would be because of Saeran and nobody else. You weren’t sure that his brother would go to the same trouble for you that he would go to for MC given he loved them, but it was the thought that counted, you guessed. You didn’t know the RFA like that and they had always left a sour taste in your mouth… not their fault, just the fault of those circumstances that you had to get to know them behind the scenes.
You didn’t hate them, though. Even as pressed and irritated as you got with Jumin Han, you couldn’t bring yourself to hate any of them. It wasn’t their fault you were in this mess. They just weren’t the people you expected them to be and didn’t want to get involved with them… you had a lot of guilt, and seeing MC crumpled on the ground like this only worsened that feeling. There was no changing the past, you reminded yourself. There was only accepting what happened and trying to move forward beyond it.
You felt someone staring at you as you tried to collect your thoughts and looked down to see that MC was looking at you, you decided to check on them for what it was worth, “Hey, are you alive down there?”
They croaked, “Been ‘etter…”
“Well, that’s… about as good as it gets, then, I guess,” you murmured.
“They… sent a warnin’... to them.”
“I assumed as much. I don’t know how much time we have, then. I don’t even know how long we’ve been here. For all I know, we could’ve been down here for a day or two. It hasn’t been a week, I can gauge that much… last time I was down here… it was a whole week. I didn’t get any food back then apart from one scrap someone gave me out of pity… you can’t last much longer than that without food. So, we have that going for us. It hasn’t been that long but… I don’t know how much longer they’ll humor us.”
That’s why they were roughed up. Saejoong had likely tried to get them to talk but they refused to do it. So, they were punished for it. It looked like it hurt a lot. They had been put through it over and over again. Those bruises were nasty. You didn’t want to be put in that position yourself, but you weren’t glad that you were relieved that they had taken MC instead of you this time around. A part of the reason why MC was a better person than you, right? Right.
Despite their exhaustion, MC reached out and rested their hand against yours. It was weak and could grasp at you but they tried. They felt warm against the chill you had. It was strange, how they could stay so bright and warm despite being locked in what was more or less a cesspool of water and grime. MC seemed to be searching your face for some kind of answer they wanted to ask the question to. “You’re… them… right?”
“I’m afraid you’ll have to be more specific,” you looked away from their eyes. Those eyes were still kind for someone like you. “I don’t know what you mean.”
MC strained but continued to speak, “Saeran’s… talked about you… a little… not to Saeyoung… to me, you’re… Iris, right? He said… you meant a lot to him but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to bring you around everyone… I guess I understand why now. He was worried that you might get hurt if you were around us… you… you were trapped here, too… I guess… the RFA… we… we must be a reminder of all the bad stuff, huh?”
Despite everything, you found yourself laughing. Did this innocent soul think that you didn’t want to come around because of them? Surely not. You couldn’t have hated MC. They weren’t that kind of person. They reminded you so strongly of someone that you used to know. Someone who wasn’t afraid to trust others and let them inside. Someone that you couldn’t be anymore due to the damn in your darkened heart.
You breathed, “No. That’s not… that’s not why. It’s none of your guys’ fault. Honestly? I don’t belong around any of you. I don’t think someone who chose to be in Mint Eye would ever be welcome around the RFA. You all already have your grief cut out for you when it comes to what you think about Rika. You do realize that Saeran and I were the reason you were dragged into this and all of your friends wound up suffering right? That’s our fault. That wasn’t just him. That was my doing as well. We were a pair of partners and we did a shitty job as you can see.”
“But… Rika…” MC trailed.
“No, my dear MC, Rika might have manipulated us from the start but we choose to do the things that we did. I get it, you’re a good person and you try to see the good in everybody. What a saintly person you are, and frankly, good for you. You're a better person than I’ll ever be, and I’m okay with that. Still, I’m sorry you’re the one that I picked. That’s my fault. You can blame me for that. He’d picked from a pool of people and I chose you out of all of them. I thought you’d be a good fit for the task because you were so… kind. I thought you were stupid enough to listen to someone in need even if it was a trap.”
“Kindness is a liability. Compassion gets you destroyed. I had to learn that the hard way growing up. I don’t know what he’s told you about me if anything, but I can tell this much... You guys aren’t the problem here. I don’t hate you… and I know that Saeran doesn’t hate all of you, either. But, you have to imagine what it’s like to go from stalking people and targeting them for months at a time only to be plunged into a situation where you have to interact with them face to face. It’s… hard to put into words. It’s weird. I imagine it’s the same for you. You got to find out Saeran was the hacker who tricked you and come to terms with the fact that he did a lot of horrible stuff to you… sure that couldn’t have been easy.”
“But, I’m sure you already know well enough that the idea of being around them… around you… it’s hard. It’s hard for me, you know, but he was stuck in this place for a lot longer than I was… he had to suffer so much more than I did… it’s not your fault, and it’s not the RFA’s fault. But, we did a lot wrong, too… even if we had been tricked. The only bad reminders I have come from thinking about how this place tortured the two of us. So, don’t flatter yourself, angel. You’re not one of the things I have night terrors about.”
“I am sorry that you got wrapped up in this mess, though, if nothing else. They’re not exactly beating me to hell and back right now like they are you… because you mean so much more to all of them than I do. You’re their liability. I’m only something to Saeran, and I’m okay with that. They will get you out of here if nothing else. You’re lucky, y’know that? You have a family out there who cares about you and wants you to come back safe to them. I don’t have that. I’ve never had that at any point.”
For some reason, tears had started to well up in your eyes at this realization. You had never let yourself talk this much about it before but now that you had, you couldn’t stop. “It doesn’t matter anyway. We’re fucked. There’s no way out of here and even if Saeran and Saeyoung manage to find us, Saejoong is going to kill them before they ever reach us… and that’s assuming he doesn’t kill us before the guys come here. I… I don’t want to die, MC. For a long time, I thought I did and did so many reckless things trying to find a way to be loved by people… but Saeran is the only reason I tried to live again… and now, we’re going to die. He’s the family I want.”
MC seemed surprised by your admission. They surprised you by sitting up and leaning against the bars to prop themselves up. They grasped at your hand this time, much tighter, able to hold onto it without losing their focus. You couldn’t believe that they had that in them. They had nothing special about them that gave them strength, so why was it that they were able to do all of this without breaking down?
“You can have that now, you know? Nothing is stopping you from having that, you just need to have some more faith,” they said. They were hopeless, weren’t they? There was something warm and inviting about that look in their eyes. “You mean everything to Saeran and that’s all I need to know for you to be a part of my family… if that’s okay with you. Saeyoung and I haven’t seen him this happy in a long time. You make him happy and that’s all I could ever ask for when it comes to my future brother-in-law. You can be my family, and Saeyoung’s family, too. They’ll save us, and it’ll be okay.”
A broken laugh ripped at the back of your throat as you stared at MC. You weren’t the kind of person to believe in hope or fairytales anymore but MC was. They truly meant everything they said. You couldn’t believe them. You never could. They were either the biggest idiot you had ever met or someone who wanted to believe in everyone. They had to realize that this wasn’t like going against Rika, right? Saejoong wasn’t a cult leader… he had the entire country at his disposal. The police and everyone else wouldn’t be able to save you.
“You don’t know that. You don't know that it will work out.”
“Yeah, but I know Saeyoung… and Saeran. You do, too. I don’t think for a second they would give up on us… especially not to someone like Saejoong. They’ll figure out a way to save us from this. I know they will. Jumin and the others won’t hesitate to help, either. They’re working together as we speak. I know they are. I can feel in his big heart… as silly as that sounds. We’ve been through hard things in life before… You're still standing despite being in this place. I'm okay despite their efforts to beat me down. We can survive this, Iris.”
“[Y/N].”
“Huh?”
“My name… it’s not Iris. That was the alias Saeran gave me here. It’s [Y/N],” you said. You didn’t know how much faith to have anymore but at the very least, you could be honest with MC. They were a good person, after all. You knew that you could trust them. Even if you were wary of the rest of the RFA, you knew that MC wasn’t like them. You knew that they were somebody that wouldn’t lie to your face. “I don’t know if I can believe in hope anymore, MC. I'm not sure I'm capable of it. I want to be happy with Saeran… no matter what. That's all I know."
MC smiled. "And I only want to be happy with Saeyoung. Let's believe in that and wait for them, okay?"
Maybe… maybe you could believe a little…? You just had to believe in something good for once in your life. That couldn't be hard, right? You weren't going to cave and say that you believed in the power of friendship or anything. You weren't that kind of person. You couldn't change your mind just from one simple nice saying. But there was just something about the way that they talked that made you want to at least say that you could try. You could try.
"You're ridiculous."
"Yeah, that's what Saeran says."
Just as you and MC tried to settle in the darkness and focus on what may take forever and a day, the door opened at the head of the room. This time the guards had their eyes locked on you. You clenched at MC's hand but it was no use. Neither of you had the strength to fight. You didn't have the energy to fight back and they dragged you away before you knew what to do to stop it. Only pain and suffering were ahead, shouldn't you have known that?
—
It was grim. No matter how many times he wrapped his head around it, there was only one conclusion. This was their only chance to do this right. He and Saeyoung only had one shot to do this right. It was now or never when it came to Saejoong’s plans and if they didn’t get it right the first time, they might as well sign their deaths on the contract straight from the Devil. They had done everything that could be done in the short amount of time that they’d be given but it had to be enough. It had to be enough, otherwise, it was the end of their story.
Saeran shared a look with his brother as the car came to a stop in the middle of the trail. His fingers twitched against the door handle as he tried to focus his thoughts. He had been able to pinpoint the location where Saejoong had demanded their presence and upon realizing that he was using the crumbling remains of Mint Eye left a sour taste in his mouth. It meant that he’d gone all the way to the past to find him. Saejoong was determined to get rid of them through any means necessary and this was just more proof of that.
He could’ve chosen their childhood home if he wanted to start this where it began, but as wicked as he was, he wasn’t a moron. He knew that putting it in the middle of a neighborhood meant that he would have his filthy hands on everything, and the risk of being spotted had to be too strong for him to be willing to take that chance. He was doing this to protect his reputation. He was doing it because he wanted to hold all the power in the country in the palm of his hands.
For what? Just for the sake of power and control to do whatever he wanted?
It wasn’t like Saeran ever understood what his goal was. He understood that people may launch a quest for power but Saejoong was an enigma. He had nothing to prove to anyone as far as he could tell, and nobody was any the wiser about what he was doing, anyway. He had no family to speak of in his life to change the minds of. He had nobody around to push him to be the person that he’d become today. Unlike Saeran, Saejoong ran towards power to have it. There was nothing to prove. It was a selfish and greedy wish that had no end in sight.
Saejoong would never stop striving to control everything. His life was built on a series of lies that never stopped. He erased any trace of the person that he once was and filled the world with story after story of someone who rose from the bottom to the top with a wholesome heart that strived for peace around the country.
Everyone thought him to be a family man and nothing more. He had a wife and child he claimed; they were carried around to event after event to build the illusion that he held. There were times like this when both he and his twin wondered if their half-sibling was suffering in ways different than they had, but there was nothing they could do about that.
That kid had more chances to get the hell out of dodge if they wanted. They didn’t stand to have that much luck. It had been stacked against them from the start. Saejoong’s plans were convoluted and complex, yet somehow exceeding simple at the same time.
He wanted power and prestige… and to gain that, he needed to be squeaky clean. Anything around him needed to be caked in charm, so much so that the people who saw it would be in awe of how much talent he had. It was one thing to be forced to become a genius to save your life and another to be forced to play puppet for a man you could never impress.
Saeran could acknowledge that much, at the very least. Saeyoung seemed to be more considerate of anyone that was trapped with that bastard all the time. The only thing that Saeran cared about was the plan to get rid of this bastard once and for all. It was of no concern to him what happened after the bridge burned down because with the Prime Minister gone, everything else would find a way to heal itself.
He cared about you. He cared about getting those dirty and grubby hands as far away from you as he could manage. You were what mattered to him. You were his sole focus. He would do anything to destroy those who dared to harm you.
After he had seen what happened to MC, he knew that you were in just as much danger of harm. He’d known that there was a chance that you could be beaten within an inch of your life but he’d tried to shove it to the back of his mind so that he could get the answers that he needed. It hadn’t been long after he arrived back at C&R that his phone glitched with its message meant for his eyes alone. He gripped the device so tightly that he could feel the metal digging into the palms of his hand alongside what remained of his chipped nails.
Because the photo that had been glaring back at him was you. You were alive but you looked like hell. Your eyes were glossy and dazed as if you weren’t all there. How could you be if it had beaten out of you? Your legs were in rough shape… he could see scrapes and bruises even under the frayed fabric of your jeans. It was almost as if his father was taunting using the same method his mother had used against him… using you as a prop. It made him feel sick. Out of all the things that Rika had done to you, it had never sunk this low.
However, that was the difference between his father and Rika. Rika would destroy him to make him obey her whims and Saejoong would destroy things to take away Saeran’s life. Neither were good routes but one of those demons was manageable, whilst the other was determined to be a bigger monster than the ones he gobbled up on the way to get there.
Gritting his teeth, it had taken all his power to not shatter the cell phone on the pavement after realizing what misery you must’ve been in. The thought of seeing you like that took him back to the day that he found you lying in the middle of the workroom. Seeing you coming out of an elixir-induced high on top of the frantic desire to stay by his side had been too much for him to stomach all at once. He felt disgusted with himself for having left you in that hovel.
Now, you were right back inside of it.
It was over when he saw you in misery. It was over when he knew that you were being hurt simply for the price of knowing him. It was over when he decided that Saejoong would be going down no matter the cost, even if it risked his life in the process. He knew what it felt like to live with terror and bloody hands every second of every day, and he refused to let you know what that felt like for even a moment.
It was bad enough you suffered at Mint Eye, even if he tried to retract the elixir near the end after years of it biting at the back of your throat. Saeran couldn’t fucking stand the idea anymore. As angry and sullen as he was with the rest of the world, he refused for you to suffer again.
You were just as torn and broken as he was, but you didn’t deserve it forever. He wanted you to go back to that garden where you smiled so happily… where that voice fell in love with you for the first time and set in stone a fate where he would by chance come to meet you and fall in love with just the same. It was hard to admit that he loved you, but he did. He cared for you more than he cared for himself and admitted that was a vulnerability.
You were his vulnerability.
You were the one thing that made his heart live and breathe. You were the one thing that he had left that was good. He could see nothing but a monster, a tired, weary monster when he looked at the mirror. But if you were there in the reflection with him, he could see something different in the darkness that was worth living… worth saving. It was a confusing pile of feelings and fears that he didn’t even know how to begin to unravel but for you, he’d destroy the world and embrace the fire if it meant you were happy.
For you, Saeran would do anything. He wouldn’t stop. He would rip them limb from limb and he would make them scream for mercy until they choked on the air that filled their lungs. The many thoughts in his head were vicious and violent. They were things that he tried to keep far away from him as they reminded him of what happened with V, but he couldn’t stop them now. At least, this time, his anger was brewing for something good.
It had always been out of fear and insecurities in the past. But this time, his anger was built upon the desire to be close to you. He felt that promise renewed when your arms wrapped around him so tightly in his sleep. He never wanted to lose you again. He already let you go once and he wasn’t about to let it happen again.
He already knew that to be the truth. It was his truth, a limitless truth that bound him to this earth even if his outstretched hand longed for the skyline. You were what kept him tethered. He could see it all from the ground when your hand wrapped around his. The more he thought of what you had given to him in peace and tranquility, the angrier he became in knowing that there were people who would continue to throw rocks and stones for no reason but to see the pain and tears brew as the crime was cast.
Saeyoung seemed to understand the inner turmoil that he was running through… because he felt the same anger and frustration about MC. He heard the spiels about how much MC meant to him time and time again. It was the same sappy love story that came out of the movies. His brother had all these grandiose ideas that he wanted to fulfill and give to them, and nothing would stop him.
It was the violent part of him that he never wanted Saeran to see when they were young… but even as children, Saeran had known that his brother was compulsive and cranky… just never to his face. It wasn’t Saeran who caused Saeyoung to act that way and it’s why he never blamed himself for his brother’s troubles. He might have been innocent in comparison all those years, but he never once misunderstood what his brother claimed to do in the name of love and family.
Saeyoung would’ve done anything.
Saeyoung would’ve killed anyone if he had to do it… and Saeran knew that very well. If it had to be done, it had to be done. That was the mentality when you had to do anything to survive. It wasn’t about morality when you had nothing to lose. Hell, he probably had done that during his time in the agency. They never talked about the violence they had done in the name of what they pledged their lives into. If Saeyoung woke up in the dead of night to scrub his hands as he did over and over, Saeran would never know for sure.
What Saeran did know was that they agreed today. Their plan was created together in the hope of solving it once and for all. Whatever happened, be it according to what they set up or not, this was going to be the end of it. It was going to end. They weren’t going to live knowing that Saejoong could strike at any moment. They had done that for over twenty years and the longer that it went on, the more destruction it brought.
“Your knuckles are white,” was Saeyoung’s brilliant observation. The engine was turned off and the world was deathly silent apart from their breathing. “Are you sure you’re ready for this, Saeran? It’s over once it starts.”
“You've been grinding your teeth since we got in the car, idiot,” Saeran retorted. He paid no mind to the way his brother remained on edge. They were both on edge… but it did nothing to think about it. They didn’t need to be afraid. This was the only path that they could take forward. “It’s time to face the devil, Saeyoung. I’m not a child and it’s not your job to protect me. We’re doing this shit together so we’re standing together, not in front of or behind the other. Isn’t that the ridiculous crap that MC would tell us to do?”
“I’m sure [Y/N] would laugh if they heard you saying that,” Saeyoung’s tense shoulders relaxed as he stepped out of the car after his twin. The remains of Mint Eye lay ahead of them. There was no room for error but… neither of them expected this place to look as trashed as it was. Parts of it were vandalized and other parts had been destroyed. It seemed like the only intact part was the back half of the building where the sanctuary hall and basement doors were. “They’d enjoy that.”
“Yeah, well, what do you know?”
“Heh.”
Silence fell upon them once again as they began the trek into the building. Saeyoung was armed and Saeran was prepared to warn him. They were side by side as they stayed back to back, looking to see where the opening was or where Saejoong would have someone waiting for them. It was only a matter of time until they realized that the twins had arrived. Saeran knew that there was no way that they had set up another network within the building because Jumin’s men had gutted every part of the place apart from the basic electrical wiring.
There weren’t any cameras watching them, so someone had to be playing lookout and waiting to nab them. But… where? Where were they waiting? Had this been a trick or were they going to do their end of the deal?
Saeran knew the layout of the building like the back of his hand, even with the walls crumbling and caving in around them. The memories of what he used to be lingered on the horizon as they walked through the halls to check each room and scan for the sounds of noises. They were being cautious within reason. There was no telling what kind of trap could be waiting for them. Their father wasn’t the kind to play around. He was willing to pay criminals to get his dirty work out of the way, he was willing to kill his children to maintain his livelihood, he was willing to kill the innocents around them just to prove that he could do it.
Mint Eye was all around them… but it no longer existed. The building itself was in ruins and there were no people left to run the place. It was over, the reign of the cult was over, but that didn’t mean that its hold on Saeran was gone. He paced himself and his breathing as best he could. There was no way to avoid this and the twisted game that they were being led into made him want to gag. It was his worst nightmare to be here but he knew that you were had been stuck here for too fucking long already.
This was a fate worse than death.
As they came to the end of the long hallway, the double doors to the salvation chamber had been left open. Saeran’s hands twitched at his side when he remembered what happened the last time they had entered that space. He didn’t want to go anywhere near that place. Saeyoung picked up on that and peered into the room to scan for clearance to save Saeran the grievance. That was the murder of murder and discontent. There was nothing good that could come out of that place in this building.
It was almost wrong that everything else crumbled and that room didn’t. Almost as if to say, You can never escape your sins, Saeran.
“Nobody’s in there,” Saeyoung said, quietly.
Good, Saeran thought.
It took a while but they scoured the entire building inch by inch but nothing was found inside of the place. That meant that the only place left to look was the garden. Of course, the man would use that as a way to clean things up if it went wrong. Saeran led them through the doors that he’d used when he met you for the first time. The memory of your sad eyes watching the dying flowers didn’t disappear. He could still see you standing there. He kept watching and as they grew deeper into the garden grounds, it became increasingly clear that this was where they were expected to be.
The gardens were huge but the only place that someone could be hiding would likely be in the center where the gazebo was located.
Saeyoung followed him through the thickets of grass until they rounded corner after corner, leading them to the middle where much to his discomfort, he’d assumed correctly. You and MC were sitting at the bottom of the steps to the gazebo, slumped together for support without any strings to keep you tethered upright. MC seemed to be conscious and uncomfortable. They looked just as they had in the video. Their eyes weren’t on Saeyoung or Saeran, though.
That was because their undivided attention was on you. You were just as that photograph looked to be on his phone. Your legs were covered in bumps and bruises that peeked out from the holes in your jeans. Worst of all, when you lifted your head to look at him, he could see the traces of a very familiar hazy storm in your eyes. It almost made him stumble back in shock because there was no way in hell that Saejoong had his hands on the elixir. Jumin’s people had gotten rid of that shit as soon as they found the supply chain in the basement.
Saeran growled. All those feelings that had been brewing inside of him were at the breaking point for him. He rushed over to your side despite Saeyoung trying to pull him back. He stumbled for a few steps until gunshots rang out and clattered against his feet. He hadn’t been struck but the few bullets that had been fired struck the pavement in front of him. He looked up to meet the golden eyes of his father, standing inside of the gazebo behind you and MC. There were no guards with him but it was easy to guess that they were in the area. He was prepared for this.
“Hello, boys,” Saejoong greeted as if he were greeting an old friend. His smile was condescending and his eyes were narrowed. “It’s nice of you to finally join us. [Y/N] and MC were wondering if you’d show up at all. Isn’t that great, dears? It turns out that they weren’t cowards, after all. What a shame for your hopes, though, [Y/N]. What was it that you said? Oh, yes, I remember. They’d save themselves if they were smart enough to know when they couldn’t win?”
“Bastard,” Saeran uttered. He didn’t turn his eyes away from his father, the very man that had made him who he was today. If it wasn’t for him, then maybe Saeran would’ve had a fighting chance to be happy from the start. Maybe he wouldn’t have suffered the way he had, but there wasn’t any way to know that. “Get away from them.”
“Now, now, Saeran. That’s no way to speak to your father,” Saejoong tutted. He strode forward that he was standing directly behind you both. “And you too, Saeyoung, I see you’ve come armed and prepared as well. I can’t say that’ll do you much good. You’re surrounded, and I’m sure you know that.”
He couldn’t come to your side and Saejoong was just fucking with them. Saeyoung had his hand on his gun holster but he wasn’t going to grab it unless they were provoked once again. He was looking around, prepared and cautious to hit as many targets as he could find if he needed to do it. He was a quick draw and Saeran knew that he could count on him if it came down to it. But, he couldn’t bring himself to grip a gun. Even if your life depended on it, the idea made him recoil and want to throw up.
You two were safe, for now, though. You were lucky that you were in one piece but there was no time to take chances. Nobody was going to touch you before the deal came together. He silently prayed that you could hold on just a little longer to a God that he didn’t believe in anymore to spare you some kindness that he’d never been given. Just a little longer… just a few more minutes… that’s all they needed.
“Don’t claim to be something you never wanted to be, you’re no father,” Saeyoung retorted from behind Saeran. “If you wanted to be our father, you wouldn’t have tried to kill us from the second you found out about us. If you wanted to be a father, you would’ve been there for us and taken us away from our mother when you realized what kind of woman she was. But you didn’t. You tried to pay her off to shut her up and when that wasn’t enough, you had men ready to kill us if they’d caught us alone.”
“And you’re no honorable countryman, either,” Saeran had to resist the urge to look at you but he could feel your eyes on him. Whether you were conscious or not, he knew that you were watching him. You were counting on him. “Kidnapping [Y/N] and MC to get rid of us are about as slimy as you can get.”
Saejoong merely shrugged. “Ah, I never expect you boys to understand why I do what I do. There is a certain amount of sacrifice that comes with being in charge of a county and getting your hands dirty is only a part of the job. The loss of a few means nothing in the face of saving thousands. Any life changed against countless others is a sacrifice worth making. Now, I didn’t come here to debate philosophy, boys. We all know why we’re here today. You’ve come to trade yourselves over for them.”
Saeran knew that this man was full of crap. He believed that he had every card in his hand set up to strike them dead. He glanced over his shoulder to look at his twin who merely nodded at him, and knowing that, he turned his eyes back onto Saejoong. “Wouldn’t you rather tell us about what this is all for? You know, that’s one thing we’ve never understood, Saejoong. If we’re going to be gotten rid of, I’d like to know what the fuck you’re going to kill us for. You want to have all this power for the country, but why? Why do you want it? Is it some noble cause for you?”
“I would imagine you know the feeling very well, Saeran. I’m surprised you’re the one asking me that. I’ve heard a great deal about your quest for power… you’re not so different, you and I,” Saejoong chuckled. That amused look of his growing the longer that Saeran glared at him. “I’d known that Saeyoung was capable of cruelty and spite, but I’d always heard that you were the baby that needed protecting until recently.”
“He’s nothing like you! Saeran could never be like you! He cares about what his actions cause for other people, unlike you do! Sure, he’s made some mistakes but that doesn’t mean that he hasn’t tried to make them right afterward!” All eyes centered on the sound of that voice as it pained and cried. Saeran found himself looking back at you. You sucked in a breath as if it were a challenge for you to remember how to breathe.
Yet, you still glowered at the man with the golden eyes and darkened smile. “You have no right to talk about him like that, bastard! The only person here that’s a monster is you! Who the hell tries to kill their sons?! For what? Your reputation?! Who would give a shit about some kids you had out of wedlock if you were worthy of your title?! If you were worthy of being Prime Minister, the people would accept you without committing crime to ensure you’re the only person in the running!”
“Oh, there’s still a fight left in you,” Saejoong said, his voice almost bored with the words you had said. He gave a kick to your back and you yelped, only to hold onto MC tighter so that you didn’t fall to the ground and injure yourself more. “Saeran, your attack dog is trying at times. I assumed that using what remained of Rika Kim’s so-called elixir of salvation would shut them up, but I see they’re far too used to this amount of the drugs for it to cause much harm. What a shame.”
Saeran was close to doing something that he shouldn’t. “Touch them again and I will fucking end you.”
“Saeran, I’m okay,” you stressed from your spot. You shook your head to tell him not to make a move. He cursed underneath his breath but he took your word for it. You weren’t okay, but you knew more than he did about what his dad could be planning. You could’ve known how many of those guards were around. “Don’t come any closer. They’re armed up enough to take down an army. Don’t move. Please.”
MC nodded their frantic movements in agreement. “There are dozens of them hiding around here where you can’t see them!”
“Saeran,” Saeyoung warned him once. His voice was just as twisted up. His fingers were gripping his gun tightly now. He had scouted the scene and counted four guards in total. That was a lot less than he expected but these were only the guards within eyeshot. If there were anyone else, he had no way to tell. “He’s trying to get the rise out of you. We already know what kind of man he is and he knows what he is. He can stand there and lie through his teeth but I’ve seen it. I’ve seen all of it. Speaking of which, tell me, Saejoong, do you have any thoughts for the disappearance of your rival candidate from the last election?”
“I don’t see why you’re asking me, son,” Saejoong responded, coolly. He remained steadfast as he stood there, shifting from one leg to the other. “As I recall, the news reported that their accident was merely a tragedy. It was a rather unfortunate situation that they lost their life and their family in the process. That’s inconsequential to our meeting.”
“Actually,” Saeyoung corrected him with a firm look. “I think you’d be very interested to hear what I happened to scrounge up from the files that were left behind by the so-called Intelligence Agency, you know, the one that disbanded due to the police ring that caught them in the act last year. What I found shows a business transaction underneath a popular pseudonym that a one Saejoong Choi uses when he visits businesses and restaurants incognito… What's more, is that the money allocated to this deal can be traced to a government account belonging to… well, you know.”
It was silent for the longest time as nobody said a word. Nobody made a move. Nobody dared to challenge what had been spoken. Saejoong seemed to be thinking about what Saeyoung had just implied. He had a good poker face so it was hard to tell what he was thinking. Even if this was the truth, Saejoong was prepared to fight it.
Saeran let himself breathe and decided to continue what his brother started, “Not only that, but that’s not the only thing that we found. As it turns out, you’ve been paying off the agency to get rid of your political rivals through murder and slander for nearly twenty years. It can all be traced back to you and your paycheck. You didn’t even try to hide it. On top of trying to kill us since the moment our mother told you about us, you’ve been doing the same to others since the second you took office.”
Rather than deny it, the Prime Minister laughed in their faces. He laughed. He wanted to believe that he had everything and at that moment, he didn’t even consider that the boys had tried to find someone to challenge his power. Both Saeran and Saeyoung knew that using this information was a dangerous game. But, it was a card they had thanks to V. V who had done all of this work and got the information for them. It couldn’t go to waste.
Saejoong scoffed, “I see, you boys think that you can play the same game that your old man does. You think that you’re even players on the board. I’m flattered that you’re ready to take on the big leagues, but you’ve got nothing but your word against mine. If you had such grave information, you might’ve used it already to succeed against me… but that’s the difference between you and me, sons. You’re too soft. Your compassion is what damned you. If you wanted to live, you would do whatever it took, even if you knew that these two would die for it.”
That’s where he was wrong.
Standing side by side, Saeran and Saeyoung stood their ground. This was it. This was their final stand against their father and they weren’t going to quit. Saejoong seemed to understand that they weren’t backing down, and he clicked his tongue in distaste. “Neither of you are stupid enough to unleash that information when you’ve got guns on your back.”
“Are we, though, Saeran? I mean, I’ve heard before that I’m stupid when it comes to just about everything but is it stupid for us what we have? What do you think? I can’t imagine it is. I mean, looking at what we have already… It's pretty damning, I think. There wouldn’t be a way to pay off anyone else to save your ass, Saejoong. The agency is gone and they’re cracking down on anybody who works underground now.”
“I’d say we’ve got nothing to lose at this point. Even if you kill all of us here, I’ll press the switch to unleash everything against you. So, even if we die, it won’t be in vain. No matter what you do here to us, you’ll be losing the precious life that you’ve clung to like a spineless coward. Go ahead, if you want to kill us, give the order. I’ll make sure that it’s over for you just as it’s over for us. We’re ready to die if it means that you’ll suffer, too. If you want us to be alike, then we’ll be alike in Hell, son of a bitch.”
Saejoong didn’t like that. “You can just as easily be bluffing.”
“I don’t fucking bluff, Saejoong. I have no reason to run and hide like a scared child using lies to do anything to someone. There’s no point in that. Why waste our time playing around and letting this linger any longer? We’re all tired of this song and dance happening over and over again. So, we’re all going to die here where we’re standing or you’re going to give up,” Saeran stood his ground as he’d said his peace. “That’s it. That’s all of it. End of story. It’s up to you whether you want to draw it out or not. Do you want to be on the run for the rest of your life just like you made us or are you going to accept defeat for once in your life?”
“They had it coming,” Saejoong fumed. He shoved you and MC to the side as he stormed up to the twins. There was malicious intent in his eyes but the boys weren’t afraid anymore. They had seen their father for what he was. “They all fucking had it coming. None of you understand the work it takes to run this county. If you want to get things done right, you’re going to need to get rid of anyone who dreams of changing the safety of the status quo. Do you know what they all did? They dared to fly too close to the sun. Every one of them would’ve done something to ruin all of the hard work I’ve put into this place!”
“I refuse to let anyone sour my life, my livelihood, my legacy! Who cares if I had to go slander someone, drudge up their dirty secrets, or kill them to get them out of the way? The only thing the people care about in this country is that their taxes are low, their homes and families are paid for, and they don’t need to care about wars or fighting amongst themselves. They don’t care who does the job, as long as they don’t have to think about who runs it and does the things that they don’t care to think about daily! That’s my job! And all I ask for in return is a little adoration from the people! They don’t have to think about the ugly details. That’s my job. They should be grateful. All of you should be grateful!”
Saejoong had his hand in his coat, prepared to grab a weapon and solve the problem himself, but Saeyoung was quicker than that. He stood in front of his brother and glared at the man, he was ready to solve this. The redhead shook his head. That was when Saeyoung decided enough was enough. He tugged his cell phone from his pocket without caring to check for the guards with their guns, rather, he held it up and showed that it happened to be playing a live stream video of this exact moment.
Saejoong’s face was plastered to the headlines of the popular SNS. The boys hadn’t been bluffing but they did lie to their father. Saeran had already had Jumin and the others hit the switch just as soon as Saejoong was located. Nobody would be able to inform Saejoong because there was hardly a signal out in the woods. The only people that had any connection were the twins, who had come prepared. They lied through their teeth and pretended to be at risk.
All to trick and lure Saejoong into a false sense of security.
He’d already been thrown underneath the bus. Saeyoung had made sure of it. Not only had all of the secrets been leaked online but the evidence had been handed over to the justice department to inspect. There was nothing for him to hide. It was as plain as day. His confession was just the icing on the cake. “As you were saying, Saejoong Choi? Or, have you covered everything that you wanted to say? I think we got it loud and clear, though.” he said.
He was caught and there was nothing that he could do to stop it. As Saejoong looked for his guards to do something, anything, he swiftly realized that nobody was going to come to his side. Why? Oh, they had planned for that as well. Jumin’s guards had been following them from the entrance. It’d taken them a while to get to the building because they had to travel on foot from the edge of the dirt road that led to Mint Eye, but they’d arrived just in time. The sounds of clatter and people on their last legs said it all.
“Give up, Saejoong.”
“It’s over. You’re done.”
There was nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. Saejoong was facing everything that he’d ever done and the twins had been the cause of it. Had he let them live in peace, he never would’ve had to face this outcome. But he fucked with the wrong twins. As red in the face as Saejoong slowly became, there was nothing he could do… and he knew it. He knew that he was backed into the corner like a wild animal and he knew that it was the end.
Yet, he still yanked the gun from his coat within an instant, thinking that he could still somehow get out of this. He was taking the path he always had. Saejoong Choi was a coward who only had power when he stole it from others and cheated his way to the top. He gripped that gun tightly as he could and—
Saeran slapped it from his hand and sent it colliding with the ground, while Saeyoung tackled him and disarmed him entirely. It was over… the battle with the monster that haunted their childhoods was finally over and done. Saejoong couldn’t hurt them now. He couldn’t hurt anyone ever again. Saeran breathed a sigh of relief that he thought he might never feel. Seeing his father act like that, in the end, told him all he needed to know. His father was a coward. He used big words and big games but he had nothing to back it up.
He wasn’t strong. He wasn’t powerful. He wasn’t even a God who controlled everything. He was just a man that threatened others to get what he wanted, and this was the price of living that way. When you lived like a monster, you would face your end like one, too. He was just a man. He was just a man. For as long as they lived, Saejoong felt like a monster beyond their league, but today, he was just a man who could be defeated.
Saeran rushed to your side after he knew that Saeyoung had Saejoong covered. He quickly glanced over at MC to make sure that they were alright but they shook their head. MC was okay, so he had nothing to worry about with them. You, on the other hand, were barely keeping yourself together at the moment. MC released their grasp so that Saeran could take a hold of you, his arms clutching you tightly to his chest.
You were his reason for being. You were his life. You were his soul. You were his Iris. You were his everything. He could give everything and challenge anyone if it meant that you were in his life by any means. Seeing you smile and seeing you touch the sky was all he wanted.
This was the life he wanted. He wanted you, and as scary as that was, he knew that it was his truth. It was the wish he held deep within his broken and bloody heart. You were the only one that understood him and stood by him. He wanted you to be the only one that saw him for the man that he was.
You… his Iris… his love.
It all came crashing down as the high of his anger and fear hit him. Seeing you bloodied but alive was too much to bear. You were smiling at him with that stupid smile that he had only seen in the pit of darkness. The smile that lit his way back to freedom and this world. Neither of you said a word but you reached out to brush your hand against his cheek with what little strength you had left. You brushed away tears that he hadn’t realized had risen to the surface.
He always hid his heart away from the world… but you seemed to always see it. You were the closest that he could ever come to Heaven. Saeran didn’t have to say what he was feeling because you knew what he wanted to say. With tired eyes and an exhausted body, you leaned against his chest and said your truth without saying it aloud. A small squeeze to his shirt, once, twice, and thrice. The subtle taps are meant to signify: I love you.
Pairing: Choi Saeran/Reader, 707 | Choi Luciel/Main Character
Description: Was there faith in a false paradise with a savior that spilled honey sweet lies to make you agree? There is no life to be found amongst those in a rotting flowerbed, only those clinging to the roots as the world awaits your demise. Why is he still here when others had long been plucked from the dying earth? And better yet, why are you still here after everything, clinging to his roots as if he’ll bring you life? Or is he the one clinging to you?
SE Saeran x Former Believer Reader
Word Count: 7500
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Chapter Twenty
“Hgh…” When you awoke from the darkness, the only thing that was on your mind was the feeling of a splitting headache. “Ugh…”
You weren’t sure where you were and your memory of the last few hours was… you could not remember how you got here. All you knew was that you were hurting and it was simply overwhelming. Fortunately, the room that you were in was dark which provided some relief from the pulsing pressure burning into the back of your skull. However, that wasn’t saying much. It hurt a lot.
You had suffered through countless withdraws and migraines thanks to the elixir and the emotional torture that came from being manipulated. That was a pain you knew very well and it was a pain that could easily be forgotten. Nothing could ever match up to the hours of screaming and crying for relief from a need that you couldn’t fill. However, this pain was akin to what happened whenever you were shoved around like a ragdoll.
In your earliest and latest days in Mint Eye, people had thrown you down and kicked you until you couldn’t breathe. You wouldn’t be allowed to think about anything but the pain and punishment that came from not understanding that you needed to commit everything in your soul to the group. If you didn’t, they would beat you down until you were able to see their side of things. It didn’t take that many lashings before somebody would cave and give them what they wanted.
It wasn’t a good memory but feeling this worn out even though you hadn’t done anything reminded you of that feeling… the one that you hated. You didn’t want to feel so exhausted with everything around you. Wait, the only way you could feel this tired would be if there’d been a drug involved. You had been sleeping right and eating right the past year, and there’d been no moment where you touched anything like the elixir.
Had you been drugged?
Is that what happened?
As you slowly regained consciousness, more and more sounds become clear to you as if somebody had flipped a switch. You were aware of everything that was going on around you and it made you feel sick to your stomach. The pressure that you felt against the back of your head wasn’t stopping anytime soon but you felt like you were able to navigate the hazy dream that you had been in. Why did it feel like someone had hit you with a crowbar or something?
The details of everything that happened to you had started to pour back into your head. It had been a weekday, the morning sun was bright against your eyes as you woke up in bed by Saeran’s side before you kissed his cheek before reluctantly climbing out of bed so that you could get dressed. You had to leave him to go to the trial… and…
“Where…?”
The trial was the first thing that popped up. The feeling of unwavering fear washed over you as you realized that Rika was going to accept her fate without fighting back. The anxiety you felt as you realized that she looked at you and wanted to say something to your face. The dread you felt the minute that you rushed out of that room to try and catch your breath. Everything hit you like a bullet before you could even comprehend it.
You had been on the cusp of a panic attack and you had to leave the courtroom. That was the last thing that you could remember as your fingers clawed at the confines of the jacket that you had been wearing. You had tried to help yourself but the fear was just too much. Even with months of preparation and Saeran’s support, you felt like you had taken a huge leap back after seeing Rika for the first time.
One minute you were at the trial and the next, you were here. You weren’t sure what had happened after you left the courtroom. You had left after telling Jumin that you needed a minute to collect yourself and then… nothing. You couldn’t remember what happened as you stepped outside to make sense of your thoughts. It was like you had just hit a wall in which there were no answers to be found.
“Where am I?”
Did you have a panic attack and pass out from it afterward?
No, no… if you had done that, Jumin’s bodyguards would’ve located you and you would have been laying in your hotel bed. You were laying on the ground… the cold ground that felt like it hadn’t seen the light of day in a while. You didn’t go to sleep on the floor, that’d just be a reminder of the basement in Mint Eye, but this… felt vaguely familiar to the cold cellar floor…
Too familiar.
“No… no… no… no…!”
It couldn’t be…!
That was when your body began to move faster than your head. You sat up, ignoring the pounding and ringing that ate away at you. Much to your horror, your fear had been the right feeling. The reason why the floor felt so cold and damp was that it was the very same basement that you had been trapped in almost a year prior. It could only be the basement in Mint Eye. Those light fixtures and bars were ingrained in your nightmares like the skin on your back.
You could never forget what you had suffered in this place. You would never allow yourself to forget any of it. But, to be here again after months of thinking that you were finally safe and sound from the torture that you had suffered made you feel sick. You felt like you were going to throw up but there was nothing you could do but rasp and dry heave as the panic returned to your body.
You were in the basement of Magenta and no amount of clawing at your arms would make you wake up once again to prove that this was just a nightmare. You tried. You tried to hit yourself to wake up in Saeran’s arms again, but the most feeling that you had was the sting against your skin from the hits. You weren’t going to wake up because you were awake and no amount of kicking and screaming was going to take you back to the place you wanted to be.
You didn’t want to be here. You didn’t want to be trapped here. You didn’t want to live in any proximity to this hell. You didn’t want to go through this again. You didn’t understand why you were here in the mountains from the courthouse. You would never come here by choice and if you did, it would be to set the place ablaze so that it could never be used or set in ever again. It needed to be removed from the Earth. No amount of good could come of it.
Your worst fear in all of this was knowing that you couldn’t be sure of your feelings. All of those fears were simply too much to withstand. You thought that you were doing alright but being in this room took you back to the terror that you felt after they threw you away like garbage. Was any of it real? Was your life even real? Had you hallucinated the past year and some change all while you were abandoned in this basement waiting for Saeran to come back?
Was his true name Saeran? Or, did you make that up on your own in a state of psychosis?
Was any of it real? Were you real? You couldn’t be sure. You couldn’t look into a mirror or see yourself to know that your looks were any different from what they had been. You had no way to know what was real and what wasn’t. The only thing you had to go off of was the room around you and that just made matters worse by the second. This wasn’t what you’d wanted to live ever again.
Make it stop, you wanted to plead. But, you had no idea who might hear you if you cried or screamed for help. You knew better than to attract attention. If they thought that you were still unconscious, there was a strong chance that they might not even bother you and that’d give you more time to figure out if Rika was here or if someone else had brought you here on the account of a sick joke.
Was it a sick joke? Who would even try to do that in the middle of the trial? If Rika claimed to be guilty and took away the need for the trial, then there’d be nothing else for anyone to go by.
Those that were deeply committed to the cult were locked away or wound up in need of extreme care since they were a danger to themselves and others. No matter how many times you tried to wrap your brain around this you couldn’t figure it out. There were no answers to be found here. You found yourself trapped between a rock and a hard place as you forced yourself to find the back wall to make sure that you didn’t fall over. You could barely see the hand in front of your face, much less anything else.
You need to know what was happening but your body wouldn’t listen. There was nothing but the sound of dripping water, which led you to assume that there was a broken pipe in the room or someone had purposefully left a tap running somewhere to bother you slowly but surely. It was a strong offensive tactic to place the water outside of the reach of those trapped in the cell… they could hear it but they could never find it. After the elixir, all you’d want would be water to make the burn go away.
At first, this time, you couldn’t feel elixir surging through your veins. That was the only thing that made you feel like you weren’t losing your mind thinking about what was real and what wasn’t. Yet, you were too scared to think beyond that. You didn’t feel like you could trust yourself at the moment with your thoughts. You wished that there was one other person there to help you make sense of things but it seemed as though you were alone.
Feeling the fear starting to control your every move, you choked back a sob and buried your face in your hands. Normally, you weren’t so frightened and skittish but you were drained of every ounce of strength that you thought you had. You didn’t feel like you were the brave person that Unknown wanted by his side to help him ensure the future that he wanted, and you didn’t feel like the person that Saeran claimed to admire deeply more than anything else in his life.
This was seemingly the worst day of your life that you had had thus far… and you wished so strongly to be back in Saeran’s arms. When you woke up by his side, it was like everything as it was had come full circle and you had peace again. Even in the seas of heartache and dread, you had felt safe with him as he had with you. You longed to bury your face in his back just to smell the lingering scent of orchid and rose.
“Saeran… Saeran... help…”
You wanted to hold Saeran again. You wanted to hold him so that you wouldn’t forget what it felt like to have his thin body between your fingers. You wanted to trace the pattern of his dips and curves until you knew his body better than you knew your own. You wanted many things that… that… that were slipping through your fingers like a broken dream that you’d been yanked out of by a cruel monster. You had been wrenched away again. It was like a sick joke played on you over and over again. Or are you ever going to be happy?
He always held you in the past, but…
You longed to hold him and make him feel safe and comfortable, now. You wanted to give him that agency and security that he had given to you in hell. It might’ve been a wistful and stupid dream but if that was what you could wish for, you would wish to be forever in his embrace. You never cared about living for money or for the desire to change the world, you just wanted to be happy and make others happy in return.
Saeran was the one and only person for you. If that was the only thing that you knew about yourself, then you knew it to be true.
You wished that he could be by your side but if you were trapped in hell, you didn’t want him anywhere near this place. You would’ve done anything to keep him from facing Mint Eye or Rika if you could do anything or say something to stop it. You didn’t want anyone to be in this place anymore. It had no purpose of existing nor should it have in the first place.
Saeran deserved to be as far as he could be away from it. He deserved the sunshine, the clouds, the breeze, the skies, and anything else he could ever want. He didn’t need to be trapped in the darkness anymore. You may not have known how long he was trapped in Mint Eye, but you knew that it had to be years more than you had been there. You had joined Mint Eye a year after its foundation as far as you knew, but you hadn’t heard a single word about Unknown until…
You didn’t know anyone whispering about Unknown until a year after that fact. He lived in the darkness and solitude, but since you secluded yourself and stayed in the gardens all that time ago… well, you never heard about him. You never saw him. You didn’t even know who he was until someone on your team recalled how vindictive the man could be to anyone who happened to get in his way or cross him. How long had he suffered in this place, and what had he suffered before that?
How long could somebody live like that without knowing what it felt like to see the sunshine? If there was a record for living that long in the darkness, he had it under his belt.
As much as you thought that you knew Saeran, there were too many pieces that you didn’t know… you never asked him. You didn’t want him to talk about it if he didn’t want to talk about it. You knew he had a twin brother now, and it connected those dots that you felt so confused about when it came to 707 and V. You finally understood why he felt betrayed in the aftermath since Rika told him that they abandoned him.
But… you didn’t know anything more than that. You only knew that he had been told he had been left behind. If he couldn’t stomach Rika now, he didn’t deserve to be forced into facing this hell once again. It would damage him beyond what he was capable of.
Did he know that you were missing from the courthouse or was he still your Unknown who had been kidnapped from this place? Was there any way to be sure?
Regardless of what the answer was, you didn’t want him to find you in this state of disrepair. You didn’t want him to relive that final day. You didn’t want to relive that final day, either. You just wanted to be safe again. That’s all that you had ever wanted and it felt like the universe had decided to let you think you could be… only to rip it away at the last second. You choked on the breath that you sucked in and wept for mercy.
Mercy from what… you weren’t sure.
Whoever had taken you and tossed you aside had done so for a reason. There was always a reason and a plan behind these means. You had no bleeding answers to go off of. You had the chill down your spine and the uncertainty in your guts. You wished for something to make this unease go away… but it festered. It festered inside of you and the dripping water continued to plop against the dirt.
So, you sat there in the dark and let the dread consume you because it was coming whether you liked it or not. It was all you could do and the darkness washed over you faster than you knew what to do with it. You knew how to live in a state of dread. You knew how to survive when you were given no other choice but you hated it. You hated it so much more than you hated yourself. You hated the feeling of being helpless and hopeless but there was nothing that you could do.
Saeran would be very disappointed in you if he could see how miserable you were. If he thought that you were capable of standing your ground, maybe he had been wrong the entire time. Maybe you weren't that person that deserved what he wanted to give you. You wanted to be that person but at the moment you felt more like you were a nervous wreck.
You floated in and out of that state of consciousness over and over again until you heard something in that darkness that wasn’t the sound of dripping water or your unhinged breathing. It was the sound of another voice in that pit that seemed to be as worse for wear as you were. No, it sounded much worse than you did. The way that the air was sucked in through their teeth came as a wince and a groan.
“...”
“Ugh…”
“...?”
Unnerved by the sound as it increased, you knew that you needed to find out where the source was coming from but you weren’t sure where to start looking. It wouldn’t be wise to stumble around in the dark without knowing what you were looking for. It could’ve been a trap laid out for you to walk into. That was the last thing you wanted to contend with if it happened to be a trap. You wouldn’t put it past someone to play a trick like that inside of this basement.
Yet, you had nothing else to do. You could sit here for hours and not know what was out there or you could try to figure it out. You had no way of knowing if anyone was going to come into that basement and tell you what they expected or wanted from you, and if you found out who was in the basement beside you, you might have a chance to see what the motive is or if there’s anything at all that connected the two of you.
That's what gave you the motivation to look around the room. You decided to trace your position in the room by keeping your hand pressed against the wall. You would use it to keep yourself centered with one side, and with the other, you would try to make sense of the darkness.
If you remembered the layout of the dungeons, there would be bars separating the cells. There were three on each side of the main room. Each of them was tight and secluded but no one would have any idea of that in the darkness. The only time that the lights were on was when somebody came down there.
The only way to find light would be if somebody turned it on, or somebody had the decency to light some of the candles. You wondered how you had survived with him all that time in the darkness of the information room. That place had also been barren of all late but at least it had some blue light. It was just enough to make you feel like you weren't going to lose your mind in the darkness. But it wasn't enough to make you feel like you were going to have enough energy for the day. It was tricky.
Because it was so dark down there, you kept tripping over pebbles and stones. It was a deterrent, but you needed to find out where the other cell was. You didn't know if you were in the corner stall or if you were in the middle cell. You also have no idea if they placed the person next to you or across from you.
It would be convenient if they put you close together, but that would also be a bad idea on their part if you could figure out a way out together and quickly. As daunting as it was, you kept pressing forward. You bumped into the wall many times and it took a process of trial and error to find a space where your fingers could press against the cool metal. You almost sighed in relief.
The whimpers that you were hearing were hard to place in the darkness. You thought that you were going in the right direction but you couldn't be sure. It didn't sound like they were going to be okay. Biting your lower lip, you found yourself asking, "Are you up or unconscious? Hello? Hello? If you can hear me but can't use your voice, please, hit something or groan or make a sound so I know you're okay."
You heard a small tapping against the damp ground. Once. Twice. Thrice. They were awake but they likely couldn't speak up. You could work with this, as long as they had a means to communicate with you then you could try to figure out who they were and what was going on. This time, you could tell that the sound was a little bit closer to you. So you moved in the right direction. But it was obvious that you weren't in the same cell.
It was likely to be next to impossible to figure out a way to gauge what they looked like or what they sounded like. It would have helped if you were able to sort out that much but you had to take what you could get. If you could just figure out something to let you feel like you were in control again...
"Okay. Good. I'm okay, too. I think. I feel like I got hit by a bus but I'm able to stand up. I haven't heard from anyone else since I woke up so I think that we're the only ones here right now. Do you know where you are? One tap for yes and two taps for no."
Two taps.
"Does the name Mint Eye ring any bells for you, then?"
Silence… and then one tap.
"Alright, then. That tells me a lot about what I need to know. I don't know if I can trust you yet but… tell me, are you a former or active Believer in Mint Eye's cause? One tap for the former and two taps for active."
Three taps.
"Are you saying you were never a believer?"
One tap.
You grimaced. That didn't settle any of the nerves that you were feeling. It made you even more nervous. Why would somebody that has nothing to do with this place be here in the first place? It didn't make any sense. Somebody trying to get back at the trial kidnapping you made sense, but none of this. Who were they and why were they down here with you in the dungeon?
"Then what the hell are you doing down here? I know why I’m here but I have no clue why you’d be here. If you’re not a believer, you’d have no reason to be taken hostage down here in the basement. Who are you?"
The sounds of footsteps from the head of the room made you jolt against the bars that you were standing in front of. The lights suddenly flickered on and were far brighter than any of the lights that you had seen down here. It was so bright that you cried out and had to cover your face in your hands as quickly as possible. You were struggling to hold yourself up and the light made you feel sick.
A male voice spoke from behind you, “I believe I can answer that question for you. [Y/N]. wasn’t it?”
It sounded familiar… vaguely familiar. You scrubbed at your eyes and tried to get them to adjust to the room. You breathed in, deeply, letting your vision slowly adapt to the space as you stared at the bars in front of you. You were at the edge of a cell with a blob laying on the ground in front of you on the other side. You squinted at the figure before they managed to roll over and reveal their face to you. That’s when you gasped and jumped back.
The person that you had been speaking to was MC… the person… the person that you and Unknown… no, you and Saeran had chosen to send to the RFA. You hadn’t heard anything about them since everything went wrong. You never asked about them. You never once said a word to Jumin about him and you never thought to do it. You had dragged them into the mess just as much as Saeran had, and you couldn’t be sure that things worked out the way it was meant to.
After all, Saeran’s intention back then had been for them to love Seven before he’d wrench them away and you’d teach them to believe in Mint Eye. It would’ve been the goal to use a person like MC against Seven and the RFA. If they loved MC enough, they would’ve fallen to the ground and done anything to get them back, even submit to the will of Mint Eye. It hadn’t worked out that way, but that had been the plan. There was plenty worse involved in that plan but…
There was an immense weight of guilt in your chest over that one. You didn’t know how to make sense of it. You never imagined that MC would be someone you would meet in person, though. You grimaced at the sight of them. It looked like they had been beaten in an inch of their life. They… they must have tried to fight back against the ones that tried to take them and paid the price for it. You felt for them but you had other fish to fry… namely the man standing behind you.
You spun around and attempted to see who the male voice belonged to and found yourself face to face with the one and only Prime Minister of South Korea, Saejoong Choi. That was not who you expected to see. You were confused and because the man seemed to expect that response. He had brought two bodyguards with him but he shooed the men back to the doorway so that he could speak to you directly. MC was in no state to talk at the moment. They were barely conscious.
If something was going to go wrong, it was going to be on you to do something.
That meant that you had to figure out what was happening and fast. You had no idea why this man would be here. There was no reason for him to be here. You tried to rack your brain for any reason why he would want anything to do with either one of you but you didn't have an answer. Every time you tried to think of something, you just found yourself more confused than you were the last time.
“Saejoong Choi…”
“I see you know me, good. That saves us some trouble,” his lips were drawn into a smile that was seemingly friendly but it didn’t meet his eyes. “And perhaps, you’re curious as to how I know you and how you’ve come back to this place. That is a rather long story. But, it's not as if you have anywhere to go. I know you very well, [Y/N] and MC. You may say that I have a great interest in the two of you. It just so happens that the two of you are deeply intertwined in my business."
You had no idea what this man was talking about. The most that you had ever thought about this man was whenever you saw an advertisement on television or happened to see a political ad. Apart from that, you had never given him a single thought. At first glance, he just seemed like a family-friendly face that wanted to do good for the people. That must not have been the case because you wouldn't be sitting here in this basement with this man if he was what he appeared to be.
The fact that you were sitting in this basement at all with anyone would lead you to believe that they were not good people with any good intentions. Something was sitting in the back of your gut that told you that this was not good. Whatever he was about to say or tell you wasn't going to be something good. This wasn't a game.
Nobody would come to this remote building without having a plan and a goal in mind to take care of something. In that moment of silence, you didn't know what to say. Maybe he was counting on that fact.
The only thing that you knew was that you were in danger. It didn't matter who was going to cause them pain, flat out, you were in danger and something had to be done before it was too late. This place was a place of nightmares and the only thing that could come out of it was despair. You remembered to keep steady and waited to see if he would say anything or start explaining why he was doing what he was doing. It was going to be interesting since he was the man in charge of countless means.
Grimacing, you had no choice but to settle against the ground to ease your aching joints as the man stood there, undaunted and undeterred. MC wouldn’t be able to say much at that point since their ragged breath could barely fill their lungs. Instead of looking at them, you remained looking at Saejoong.
You asked, “What does your business have to do with nobodies like us, Prime Minister? For that matter, what does Mint Eye have to do with you, too? That’s where we are. Why’re we here? Why’re you here? I’m all ears. It’s one thing if you wanted to speak about the trial about the victims, you could’ve reached out to the lawyers on the case, not kidnap MC or me.”
“You could say this all started well before you joined the cult led by that damaged woman, Rika Kim. Rika Kim and Jihyun Kim are the ones that led me to what I wanted to know thanks to their… well, deranged choices, I believe that’s what the public is calling it as we speak,” Saejoong chuckled as if the damage you had suffered meant nothing to him or anyone. “I’m sure you’re smart enough to piece it together yourself, [Y/N]. After all, what I’ve read has told me that you were my boy’s right-hand.”
His boy…?
What?
That’s when you looked at the Prime Minister. You looked at his features and at his eyes, his golden eyes, and all at once, you thought of Saeyoung Choi. You thought of how those eyes were the same eyes that you had seen not long ago. If Saeyoung’s eyes were the same as Saejoong’s… then… that would mean that… the realization struck you harder than you were prepared to stomach the truth.
“You’re… Saeran’s dad?” you said, astonished. There was no happiness on his face as you said those words. That reality just seemed to sour his mood again. If this guy… if the Prime Minister was a dad, then why the hell was he kidnapping you or MC? Why was he here at Mint Eye? What was the piece that you were missing? What was the part of the story that you didn’t know? “But, then… why the hell did you take me and MC?”
You knew little about the Prime Minister apart from the fact that he was a family man who sold himself to the people on a squeaky clean image.
He had a wife and a child that people knew about but apart from that, you didn’t know anything about him. You never had the time to dabble in politics and after spending so much time in Mint Eye, it had been the very last thing on your mind when you started recovery. To the world and much of South Korea, he had a kind face that a lot of people trusted, but seeing him in this dungeon told you what you needed to know about his character.
If he only claimed that child that you vaguely remembered, that meant that Saeran and Saeyoung were either children from a marriage or a fling that didn’t work out that he’d avoided talking about with the media… or they were completely illegitimate.
The feeling brewing in your gut told you something simple: If he kidnapped you and MC… that would mean that the latter was more much more plausible, and he was using you two to lure out the twins for whatever reason. If they were born illegitimate… that would mean that he never wanted them and that he wanted them gone somehow. You couldn’t be sure but nobody kidnapped anyone without wanting to rid themselves of a loose end.
That much alone, you could deduce just from what he said. As you looked back at MC, you realized that if Saejoong had kidnapped them alongside you… it meant that they were in a relationship with Saeyoung. It meant that they were still involved with RFA after all of those things happened and went wrong. You were surprised to realize that, if you had been wrenched into this like them… would you have considered staying after knowing the pain of this place?
Your mind was whirling with questions and guesses and answers. You were starting to piece things together just from realizing that Saejoong was their dad. Yet, there were still factors in the horrible story that you couldn’t wrap your head around because the more you tried to think about it, the sicker you felt about what the truth could be. What kind of man did something like this? What kind of monster kidnapped innocent people for the game of trying to lure somebody out?
Who was Saejoong Choi?
Was he a good man?
Or, was he a devil in disguise?
He remained steadfast in front of you, “Well, those details are hardly worth mentioning at this point. But, let’s just say that the boys are… loose ends that need to be tied up before it becomes a matter of national security and I can’t risk that. You understand I’m sure. This is merely a formality. It’ll be cleared up soon and I’ll not need to keep you or MC once everything is settled with my sons.”
You didn’t like the way he phrased that statement. “Those details are important. I have no way of knowing that you can keep your word. If you do not need us then you don’t need to keep us right now. You could let us go and Saeran and Saeyoung understand whatever you’re trying to convey. Whatever you want to discuss with them isn’t something you want them to escape from.”
Saejoong held that tight smile on his face. He understood that you could see between the lines on this. It wasn’t that hard. Maybe if you were nicer… like someone like MC, who’d believed in love and faith and courage, you could’ve bitten your tongue and tried to reason with him, but you weren’t that kind of person. You were tired and angry, bitter and scorned about everything in this world. You didn’t have that patience anymore.
Perhaps, if you were younger and less tired, you would’ve.
But as it stood now, you knew better than to look the lion in the eye and pretend to be its friend. “I’m pretty sure you’re just using us as the bait to get them here. That much we can agree on, but I can tell you’re willing to get rid of us just like you want to get rid of them. I don’t know why you want to get rid of them but if you're willing to kill your sons, then you’re willing to kill your sons' lovers, too. I have no reason to trust you and I refuse to trust a liar who sells me hope ever again.”
“I see. Well, if you were willing to play along, I could’ve given you much more comfortable as you wait for my sons to arrive but since you seem determined to fight, I’ll let you enjoy the wait down here. Perhaps, once MC is awake again, they’ll be much more willing to talk to us… and perhaps, they’ll talk some sense into you, young [Y/N]. After all, I’m sure being in this room reminds you of what it means to break your loyalty to someone,” he said, almost taunting you with the truth he knew of Mint Eye. How did he know, anyway?
Dodging his words, you decided to try and get some information. “How did you even find out about this place?”
“You’d be surprised at how many people are willing to sell someone out to save their skin in a trial, a few years off their sentence for cooperation is easy to give,” his smile never failed as he spoke up. Though, he seemed to be looking right into your soul. “Of course, Rika Kim refused to sell anyone out, but plenty of her fellow leaders were. But, she was the key that led me to the truth. After I managed to weasel Saeran’s name out of one of them, and I was able to connect Rika to Saeran… well, I figured out fast who was hiding my sons from me all this time.”
Rika didn’t sell him out?
Was that why she was trying to warn you? Was that why she had tried to tell you that there was danger around? If that was the case… no, she couldn’t have told Jumin or anyone else if the Prime Minister was involved. It would’ve been ignored, nobody would have listened to her if she tried to explain the problem. You didn’t listen to her because you couldn’t handle or stomach the sight of her. It surprised you that she wanted to help…
No, you didn’t know Rika’s motive for saying something and you weren’t going to guess. It didn’t matter anymore. She was gone. The problem was here with Saejoong. This was what you needed to focus on before you lost control of your feelings once again. You had to focus as much as possible.
So your assumptions were almost on the money. This man had been hunting the twins for years to get rid of them. So, you had to figure out why that was and what it meant for him to want to get rid of them. Why would he want to get rid of them so badly that he would force them into hiding? What was the purpose? What was he trying to prove by removing them?
You knew that Saeran had once lived with Rika and Jihyun, and his brother had been there, too. He had mentioned that ever since he was born, he wasn’t even allowed outside because his mother forbade it. So, you could assume that his mother took the boys into hiding for whatever reason, and… something went wrong and they began to live with Jihyun and Rika, maybe?
There would be some kind of trail if the boys weren’t hiding and living with people like Rika and Jihyun… well-known people who ran an organization for helping people alongside being notable figures in the creative and financial world. Even if they had enough money, it couldn’t and wouldn’t be enough to hide two young boys for very long, and… the cult itself muddled the waters and put Saeran into more danger. If Rika and Jihyun were protecting them, then what event caused the split between them?
What caused them to fracture in the first place?
You always had more questions than answers when it came to Saeran Choi, but now you were starting to understand why he was so overwhelmed and afraid all the time. Even if he couldn’t admit it. You hated knowing that he had been suffering for so long in his life. All he ever wanted was to stare at the clouds and lay there in the grass. He wanted so little out of life… but it was everything to him. You wanted that for him, not any of this pain that he didn’t deserve.
This wasn’t fair to anyone.
The more that you thought about it, the angrier that you became. “Why are you trying to get rid of them? What did they do to you? What problem do they give you?! As far as I can tell, Saeran and Saeyoung haven’t been a bother to you once! They’ve been living their lives in the shadows for years and never gave you any trouble. It seems to me that you’re the one that gave them grief and trouble! If anything, your suffering is your fault! If you ignored the two of them instead of—”
Saejoong chuckled, “You know, you’ve got a real pesky voice. It reminds me of their mother…your pretty face almost makes up for the fact that you don’t know how to control yourself. Almost. When you’re under the influence, it makes you much more tolerable, that’s what I hear. I’d say that the drugs had destroyed your mind since you speak out of turn, but I’m not surprised to hear that after learning what you did here in this place. I will admit, that deranged woman had some good ideas when it came to obedience… too bad it makes you into little brats that don’t know their place. Be grateful we need you alive for what comes next, young [Y/N].”
With what strength you had, you glowered at the man. There was nothing that you could say in response to him that would change a thing. Yet, you weren’t going to take that as the final word. You were disgusted. He seemed pleased that he had gotten under your skin but you weren’t going to feed into his words and lash out… even if you were ready to bite back. He wanted you to bite back because he’d likely send the guards on you for trying to do just about anything. That’s likely what happened to MC.
You were tired of being a punching bag and a puppet for other people. This man was no different than how Rika had been as she planned to use you as a prop to control Saeran. This was the same circumstance just at a different time. It sickened you to think that people like this wouldn’t hesitate to go this far to destroy others but you knew better than to doubt the monsters of the world. These were the kind of people that wouldn’t hesitate to kill.
“They’ll never fall for whatever you’re trying to sell them,” you grit your teeth as you keep your gaze on him. “I’d rather you kill me now and save us all the trouble. I’m not going to do anything to trick Saeran into coming here.”
Saejoong’s cold eyes lingered on yours before he turned and began to walk away, though, he paused in the doorway to glance over his shoulders. “I’m sure we can find ways to make you more pliable, [Y/N]. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. I’d hate to take out those remaining bottles of her drugs.”
Pairing: Choi Saeran/Reader, 707 | Choi Luciel/Main Character
Description: Was there faith in a false paradise with a savior that spilled honey sweet lies to make you agree? There is no life to be found amongst those in a rotting flowerbed, only those clinging to the roots as the world awaits your demise. Why is he still here when others had long been plucked from the dying earth? And better yet, why are you still here after everything, clinging to his roots as if he’ll bring you life? Or is he the one clinging to you?
SE Saeran x Former Believer Reader
Word Count: 10000
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Chapter Twenty-One
The ticking of the clock was the most oppressive sound in that room. You could’ve heard a pin drop with how little everyone wanted to speak to each other at this point. There was too much going on and not enough answers to make amends for what was happening. This was the same amount of strangled tension that they’d all felt when they went to V’s funeral…
Except for this time, the fear was for someone that could be suffering and breathing.
This was, unfortunately, the first time that the RFA had been together again in a long time. Even as they were gathered together, it was under what Saeyoung would call the worst circumstance. This wasn’t a charity party and they weren’t trying to help others for a selfless cause. You and MC had been kidnapped and there was only a matter of time until Saejoong made his move to grab him and Saeran.
Saeyoung knew this song and dance. He knew what the plot was. Saejoong was going to use you two as leverage to get what he wanted. It wouldn’t be hard. He could kill the hostages without a single word to anyone. There was no way to know that either of you… were alive.
He could do whatever he wanted because he held all of the cards in his hands and no matter what he thought of, he couldn’t find a way to combat Saejoong’s power and control.
It was always the same ending.
It was the ending he always wanted to avoid.
The outcome where Saejoong was able to kill him and Saeran… where he could get away with murder and every other misdeed that he had encountered in his life. The reality where Saejoong won everything he wanted wasn’t a reality that Saeyoung planned for. He was at the end of his rope here, though, and there was only so much that he could do to find a way out of the labyrinth.
He was filled to the brim with emotion and hatred that couldn’t be held back. He thought that he had been working through his anguish but seemingly all at once, what little progress he had made was being wrenched away. He promised MC that he wouldn’t hack again unless he had to do it for a necessary cause, but this was that cause. He hated the way it made him feel to be sitting at his desk again with a workload that had no end in sight.
But at least, this time, he wasn’t alone. He wasn’t sitting in the darkness with Vanderwood sitting behind him with a taser in his hand, barking orders until Saeyoung had no choice but to get things on the road. Those were years that sat behind him but they’d never leave. Every time he touched those hands with a keyboard, his mind flickered back to the dread that he felt whenever he had to commit his tasks.
It was different now and for that, he could be grateful enough. His brother was sitting next to him and they were doing this together. Even if Saeran was reluctant to hack for his reasons, he was right here doing the work, too. They knew that they had to do it. They knew that it had to be done for the ones that they loved dearly in the world. No aversion to hacking could stop them from fighting for the lives of MC and [Y/N].
They were working together to do this because this was their problem to solve. Jumin and the others were simply lending their support. He was reluctant to drag anyone else in but the very second that he panicked and went into the messenger to try and locate MC, he knew that the others would stop at nothing to try and help. MC would’ve wanted them to help… They were stubborn like that. They wanted the RFA family to stay close together and he would keep that faith in mind as his fingers dashed against the keys.
MC had decided to stay with a friend the night before the trial to ensure that Saeyoung wouldn’t worry about them at home. He assumed that they would be watching movies and catching up as it’d been a while since they’d gotten some proper time to hang out with their friends. Saeyoung let his guard down for just a minute because he felt like they were safe… that everyone was safe, but this was exactly why he never let himself grow complacent in the past. This was why he had plans for every possible outcome.
How had he failed to miss this outcome on his list of possible risks?
He should’ve sent Meowy with them… but MC would’ve kissed his cheeks and told him that he’d been worried for nothing. They always had faith in the world and stubborn belief that they were safe and sound no matter where they went. It’s what got them delivered to the apartment in the first place. MC always had hope in other people and it’s what Saeyoung loved about them more than anything, but it landed them into trouble when they least expected it. He didn’t want that pain for them.
Saeyoung also didn’t want to hover or suffocate them with his fears. He had to be reasonable with his paranoia. His therapist was right when he said that Saeyoung tended to work himself up with the smallest drop in the stream. He knew that was who he was. Ever since he was a young boy, he would constantly put himself in the corner of rooms to make sure that he could see and hear anything or anyone that would dare come into the space that he was in.
He had to be ready for his mother barging into the room. If he was fast enough, then he could move Saeran out of the way and pretend to be him. When his mother was angry, she had a hard time telling the difference between them. He was prepared to do whatever it took for Saeran back then and he trained himself to sleep without falling too deeply into the darkness. There was no time to rest. He had to be fearless from the minute that he was born.
Even as he got older, he had to know when to trust others and when to run away as far as he could and as far as he could. The monsters that he feared went from being just his mother to his father and anyone that man could hire. That meant that he couldn’t trust anyone… and for one child to carry that weight on his shoulders took its toll. He didn’t know how to relax his tensed muscles or lower his guard long enough to catch his breath.
This all started well before the agency. However, the agency had elevated his paranoia and the desire to stay on edge. He was always in a state of vigilance. He would place himself with his back to the wall when he was sleeping and if they went out, he would make sure that he was at the back of the place so he could see everyone that entered and exited. It didn’t matter if he didn’t need to be on the lookout for people, it was a habit that had been burned into the back of his head as much as sleeping and eating.
There was no time to rest when you needed to know when the world was going to crash around you. That sort of fear never left your heart no matter how far you went to escape from it. He had to accept that he was a part of the person that collectively created Saeyoung Choi. MC knew he was this way, but he felt like he was suffocating everyone around him whenever the fear dug into his skin the way that it did.
Saeyoung didn’t know how to turn off his unwavering paranoia. It had gotten better in some ways and in others, he had regressed. The second that he knew what it felt like to live without looking at the world behind him, he didn’t know how to comprehend the feeling it inspired. He found it very hard to hold onto MC’s hand knowing that he had the right to build a future with them, while at the same time knowing that there was something out there that could take it all away. Even if the number of demons that he had to face had dropped significantly, there was always that chance of something going wrong.
In this case, something had gone wrong, and there was no hope for him to turn around or change course from the path he was on. He never thought that it would come to this point but there was nothing he could do but challenge it. His fingers clattered against the keys just as harshly as his teeth ground together with every word he wrote. Every corner that he could go to try and locate something that would lead them to the trail that Saejoong had taken, he kept running into walls that had been placed there to stop him.
It was an inside job and one that had been in the making for what must have been months. There was no doubt about it. Saejoong had been hunting for them. Saeyoung didn’t know how long he had been on the trail but it had been long enough that he had been able to connect you and MC to himself and Saeran. There was no telling where he had dug to find those details and no matter how many times he tried to find the connection, he always found himself at the same end.
Saejoong wasn’t somebody to mince the details in any way and when he wanted something done, he would do anything to ensure that he wasn’t caught and it was scrubbed clean. He cleaned up loose ends like he was sweeping his house. It was brushed to the side and carefully removed in the trash where nobody would think twice to think for anything in there but the dust and dirt tracked in from their shoes. Saeyoung could only assume that Saejoong had gotten his information from speaking to some of those that were in prison for Mint Eye’s more heinous crimes.
With a glance at Saeran at his side, he knew that to be the case. His brother had been digging into Mint Eye right off the bat. He started tearing apart the prison records to see who had come to see the members that were incarcerated. Saeran was working faster than Saeyoung could even keep his eyes on the screen. He was a beast. It was at that moment that he remembered what it felt like to be fighting Unknown… to think that Saeran held that power inside of him because he was forced to be a machine.
It sickened him.
“Over here,” Saeran grunted as he slid his computer over to his twin to get a look at the screen. “I found it. There’s a discrepancy in the logs. None of it matches up the way that it’s supposed to in this system. You think the prison system could be smarter than this but their CCTV footage isn’t even passcode protected. They’ve got it listed under another name but this is without a doubt the son of a bitch.”
“...yeah, that’s him, no doubt about it,” Saeyoung said, quietly.
Saeran was right.
Saejoong was right there on the footage exiting and entering the prison. He had no reason to be there unless he was hunting something. Now, he could’ve easily said that he was determined to see to it that the trial for Mint Eye’s members was handled properly, but that wasn’t the case. He was trying to hide that visit. It didn’t take too many dots to put together that he had managed to find someone who spilled the beans to him about Saeran or Rika.
If the smallest detail found its way out without Jumin knowing it, there would be nothing that he could do.
Saeyoung’s biggest fear had been that Saejoong had been in contact with someone from the agency. Even though he had taken those bastards down and knocked them well out of the footing, he had made a lot of enemies over the years that he knew wouldn’t hesitate to use anything that they had on him to make trouble.
He scrubbed thousands of documents to get rid of any sign of himself or his brother but that didn’t mean that people would let go of a grudge. He kept tabs on many of the former leaders of the agency, though most of them had been caught months ago. When the agency fell due to his actions, it exposed a huge crime ring running under the nose of countless places across the world, not just in South Korea.
It wasn’t as sensationalized as Mint Eye had become since people unfortunately glossed over the information wars that were going on in the background… but people were paying sentences left and right when they were caught. Most of the hackers that remained had gone underground to escape capture and Saeyoung knew that one of them could flip the cards on him. Even if he knew everything there was to know about them all. Some people wanted revenge badly enough that they would risk anything to get it.
However, as he dug into the agency’s former members, he could find nothing to prove that any of them had sold Saeyoung out. His information had come up with dead ends time and time again in the sweeps he had done. So, Mint Eye had been what ratted them out in the end. There was no way to check the logs to see what he spoke about, but Saeran could see who he had spoken to. It looked like one of the members in charge of the drug’s production at Rika’s side had spilled the beans.
“This guy would sell you out for a dollar. I’ve got no doubt in my mind that Saejoong got him to say something about me or V, and he managed to put the pieces together that way,” Saeran said as his eyes continued to flicker over the logs that they were reading. “If he managed to find out about me that way, he would likely be able to trace us back to the cathedral. I’m sure he paid off one of the nuns or something to admit that we went there.”
“Unfortunately, that’s likely the possible outcome,” Saeyoung replied. He wracked a hand through his hair and sighed. “No, it’s the answer, Saeran. He’s got enough money to pay off whoever he wants to get what he wants. It just doesn’t account for how he figured out details about [Y/N] or MC. Unless...”
The tense silence that washed over the room was pretty telling. Over their shoulders, Zen and Yoosung were sharing a nervous look. Those two had come for moral support and to provide what they could in the background so that Jaehee wasn’t working herself into the ground but there was so much that neither of them wanted to account for here. Those two might not have known the full truth about Mint Eye and what happened in the end, but they understood what Saeran had gone through in that place.
It was just the revelation that Saeran and Saeyoung were the illegitimate sons of the Prime Minister that left them uneasy. Neither of them could believe it. It was like being hit with a ton of bricks all at once. But, the more information that was presented to them, the more they were unable to see anything but the truth. It finally made sense. The reason why Saeran and Saeyoung had both been tricked into doing things that sounded completely insane… was because they had to do anything to be able to stay safe and out of sight.
Saejoong Choi was truly a monster. Yoosung and Zen were still struggling to come to terms with this reality on top of MC being kidnapped, too. The thing was, Zen could read between the lines to know what Saeyoung meant. “Unless Rika happened to inform Saejoong herself since she was the only one that knew where Saeran was and what meant something to him, right?”
“...”
The uneasy feeling wouldn’t go away. However, Saeyoung looked at the raven-haired man. “Jumin, have you been notified of anyone visiting Rika over the past year?”
Jumin looked down at his endless pool of files. There was so much that he was trying to come to grips with. He had buried himself in trying to make amends for Rika and V’s mistakes that he’d let himself miss key puzzle pieces that could’ve stopped all of this. If he hadn’t let you leave his side without taking somebody with you, this could’ve been less of a mess. If he had offered to send one guard to stay with MC, it wouldn’t have been this way. He hadn’t accounted for this possibility as the Prime Minister had seemingly been far away from the case.
He was taking more and more blame to heart because of it. There was no time for him to break down and lose himself, however, he had to stay focused. “Assistant Kang, I believe you have the files for this. I haven’t been notified of any visits but it appears we cannot trust the system as it stands.”
He flipped through some documents as Jaehee began to scour the pages behind him. It took a few minutes of searching but they managed to find that document sheet. Jaehee paused before she let herself read the paper she’d found, “According to our records, the only person that has been to visit Rika apart from her lawyers and medical team, happens to be Yoosung. There’s no other record of anyone coming to see her whatsoever.”
Yoosung looked down at the ground when they mentioned that. He hadn’t gone to see her in a while but when he was making sense of his wounds, he had to hear the truth from her lips to make peace with himself. It hurt to think that he thought he knew who she was but, in reality, he had no idea who she truly was deep down inside. She never had anything to tell him that comforted him. She said so herself that he was wasting his time trying to find someone that hadn’t ever existed in the first place.
“She declines visitors, too,” Yoosung said, quietly. “Every time that I came, she mentioned that she turned away everybody else that she could.”
“If the so-called Prime Minister wanted her time of day, they’d make her do it,” Saeran said, his low voice hissing around the mention. He was already working again, letting his fingers smash against the keys as he went to check those records, too. This was nothing for him. He hacked into bigger databases when he was first learning how to navigate the internet. “It looks like he visited her once months ago. The visit lasted…”
“It barely lasted five minutes,” Saeyoung finished.
“That’s more than enough time to sell people out if she wanted. But, that begs the question of why he waited so long to do something if Rika told him months ago if that’s the case. We’ve had things under surveillance for months, too. He risked the chance of us finding out well before he made a move.”
“Not unless he knew that he could gain more out of waiting for his moment to do something like this. That’s always how it is in my musicals whenever it comes down to guys like this. They take a high risk for a better gain.”
“What’re you thinking, Jumin?”
“Was it circumstantial that she pleaded guilty at the trial or did she make a deal with Saejoong for a better prison once her sentence was handed down? As far as our information stands, she was ready to sit through the trial for months per her council. The decision to dismiss her team and plead her fate as guilty wasn’t expected. It was out of left field. However,” he leaned back in his chair and let his fingers brush against Elizabeth’s collar.
“I sought her out immediately after the trial. She informed me that she made that decision for no choice other than to accept her failings. I don’t think she lied to my face about that, but I cannot promise you that she wasn’t lying. I merely suspect that she wasn’t lying to me. She wouldn’t say another word to me after admitting her guilty conscience. Though, I do recall she attempted to say something to [Y/N] before they left the courtroom. She wouldn’t elaborate because we weren’t alone in the room. I do think she knew something was going to happen. I can’t say if she caused it.”
Saeyoung grit his teeth at that. He knew that no matter who turned them into Saejoong, they wouldn’t be able to feed any more information to them. They could interrogate whoever they wanted but there was no hope in that. Saejoong would be smarter than that. He wouldn’t say a word about what he was going to do to you or MC. The only thing that would come out of proving who sold them out would just answer how he got the chance to do it.
He was going to deal with those fuckers personally once the captives were safe. If Rika sold them out after everything, he wouldn’t be surprised anymore. But, thinking about that just made him want to dig his nails into his arms until he felt something again. He had already heard this once over and thinking about Rika was just making him more and more upset.
He took in a breath and looked back at his screen. There was a lot to focus on. There was a lot to deal with. He had to make sense of it now. They could handle whoever started it once they handled Saejoong.
Saeran’s voice drew him from his thoughts as he lifted his head and caught his brother continuing to search for his answers, “What are you thinking?”
“Something I shouldn’t repeat aloud,” Saeyoung responded, simply. Saeran understood what he meant by that. “Anyways. I’m looking for any evidence near the scene where MC was taken. All I found at the scene was their phone and a set of muddy footprints. It seems they were smart at the time and turned off all their devices because I can’t locate anyone from the nearby cell towers that seem out of the ordinary.”
There was a brief pause.
“Don’t bother,” Saeran said.
“Why?”
“I just received a message on the C&R server. There’s an attached file that I need to decode here. It looks like the work of someone who has no idea how to do this, so it should only take a minute to do that here,” his brow narrowed as he slowly watched the file unlock itself so it could be feasible to look at. “And it’s not a phishing scam. Nobody would e-mail C&R with just a video link and the sender listed with mother’s name on it.”
Saeyoung glanced over Saeran’s shoulder and realized that he was right. The e-mail claimed to be from their mother. It was her name and her face on the icon. It sent a chill down his spine and he knew that Saeran was trembling next to him, but he was keeping it together… likely knowing that this could be life or death poor of [Y/N] and MC. This was a sick joke for their father to pull but it wasn’t the first time that he’d done something twisted. It was the first time in years that he had seen something clear of his mother. She haunted his memory but to see her face clearly for the first time in what felt like a decade, left hand tingling all over.
He shook that dread from his mind and breathed in. If it was a message listed with her name and photograph on it then it was meant for them and them alone. There was a tense silence in the room as they all mulled over what that meant. However, it didn't last for long as Saeran managed to unlock it. The message opened and was displayed on the screen for everyone to see. Gasps erupted left and right.
Much to the horror of everyone in the room, the video displayed a video of MC. It wasn’t a video of them. They were battered and bruised from God knows what. The sight made Saeyoung jump to his feet right away and nearly lose control of himself. His breath hitched and he felt like he was going to be sick. His precious MC… his darling MC… his only 606 and his future spouse for the rest of his life.
They were hurt because of him.
It was all his fault.
It was like a vision that had been ripped out of his nightmares and placed right in front of him. It was what he feared when they first got involved with him. MC had always told him that something like this would never happen to them, but he knew that it was always possible. He thought that he may be able to stop it before it ever got close to this. He felt so pathetic and angry all at the same time that he did not know what to do with himself.
There was no sign of [Y/N] in that video but MC was there, likely being used because the RFA knew them the most and it would charge the most reaction. It felt like static clung to his ears as he couldn’t hear what anyone was saying. All he could hear was the sound of MC’s ragged breaths in the back of his head. They could be dying all because he let them leave the house without him for just a minute. It was his fault. What kind of defender of justice was he?
The distorted audio came from the other side of the screen. “Saeyoung, you know how to pick someone, don’t you? If you have a knack for finding people that need to be taken care of. I wonder if there's a savior complex in you. I’ve heard a great deal about your actions. The noble big brother that gave his life to save his little brother continuing that same pattern of self-sacrifice over and over again. However, it seems like that has not served you well. You should keep a much more watchful eye on the people that you care about. Otherwise, this happens."
"Let's cut to the chase, shall we, son? After all, I don't believe you're the type that likes to mince words. It’s high time that we have a meeting face to face. You, me, and that brother of yours. As you can see, you’re in a position to deny this request… that is unless you want MC to have another unfortunate accident. Let’s make it abundantly clear, and since I know that Saeran is there by your side if you deny this request, then [Y/N] will be the next video subject you see. I expect you two to arrive at this location by the end of the week. Don’t bother with the police or asking that friend of yours Jumin Han to step in. You know it’s pointless.”
MC’s glossy and dazed eyes met the camera before the video went dark again. “Don’t… come… Saeyoung…”
“Son of a bitch!”
Everyone was far too stunned to speak but Saeyoung wasn’t. He shoved the notebook that he had been working on off the table and let it crash against the ground with a clatter. He was seething so hard that he had no way of saying what was on his mind, and he just let himself sink to the ground with a frustrated cry from his lips. He broke down seeing what he feared the most. It was agony for him to live this way and as much as he wanted to rip that message apart, he just…
Saeyoung just broke down. He had been holding it in for such a long time and now that he had seen it, he couldn’t control himself. This wasn’t the life that he wanted to lead. This wasn’t how he’d planned for it to go. His father was holding the strings to his livelihood and he could snip it at any time he wanted. There was a chance that MC wasn’t alive and this was just a trap. He had been led down this path before in the agency and he feared the worst case possible.
He blamed himself for this mess.
Saeyoung felt himself spiraling. He had everything together just moments ago but now it felt like he was breaking down. It felt like he was losing control of himself and his senses. His body felt like it was growing numb and his lungs felt hot. He needed to break something to feel in control. He’d felt himself moving to shove everything on the ground. He could feel the agony that MC was suffering just from the sight alone and he felt like he was going to—
“Saeyoung, calm down!”
“That bastard!”
Zen moved to his side to comfort him as best he could, and Saeran turned his head to meet Jumin’s eyes. Saeyoung was burning himself to the ground to do all of this, that much they could agree on at that moment. It wasn’t helping anyone for him to keep working when this horror started to hit him. Saeran felt sick himself from what he saw, but hearing that you would be next spurned him to do something.
Quietly, he and Jumin left the room while the rest of the RFA did their best to try to comfort his twin.
“Let go of me! I’m going to destroy him now!”
—
At this point in his life, Saeran knew that he was going to have to deal with things that made him feel sick to his stomach. It didn’t matter what he did or said. There was always going to be something that wrenched him out of bed and forced him to face the facts. Even if he thought that he had the right to make his own choices in life, he truly didn’t. Someone else was always holding the cards in their hands away from him and he had no way to change that fact. It was like the world wanted to make sure that he laid down and died.
However, Saeran was far too angry to lay down and die. He was tired of being pushed around and told what to do. He was tired of living in fear of someone. He wanted it to be over. He wanted to be free of everything that weighed him down like a sinking ship. He just wanted to live without a single thought of his actions causing someone else harm. He had done enough of that in his life and you didn’t deserve to suffer because he had been damned from the moment that he breathed air into his lungs.
You deserved better than that.
He had been stupid to think that you would be safe at that trial. He was so caught up in his feelings over what remained in that melting pot of anguish that Rika caused that he hadn’t considered that he would need to be there in case his father tried something. Saeyoung had told him that they had taken all the measures humanly possible to ensure that nobody could get into that courthouse that had no right to be there. Everything was supposed to go according to plan. He let himself think for a minute that nothing was going to go wrong. Even though there had been a feeling brewing in the back of his head that told him it wasn't going to be okay.
He had let himself believe for just a moment it might be okay. He let his guard down. He never let himself do that. He wasn't one to let himself grow complacent because he always had to live in a state of fear, but when he was with you it felt like he forgot that feeling for a moment. He forgot what it felt like to be afraid. For just a free moment, he knew what it felt like to fly.
It was one of the things that he cherished the most about you. You brought him a sense of peace and it was more than he could have ever asked for in his life. However, it was because you meant that much to him that he was so angry in the first place. Nothing was going to stop him at this point. Hell would have no fury like him. He already knew what it felt like to be a monster and nothing was keeping him away from doing it again.
There was no lower Saeran could sink. His hands were already drenched in blood no matter how much he tried to scrub away the sins of his actions. What was more actions that made him dirtier? You had already seen him at his worst.
Well, you had seen almost the worst that he could be. He shielded you from his total breakdown. He knew that once he found you, he wasn't going to be able to stop whatever he did to get back at his father. In the back of his head were countless brewing thoughts of everything that he could do to make that man suffer for whatever he was doing to you. He knew that you would fight back. It would put you in danger.
MC, bless that stupid saint, they had walked right into the fire and considerably done the same thing. They had paid the price for it and it was written all over that video. Not seeing you in that video made his stomach twist in knots. It was possible that they were going to use you for a later video, or they had done something worse to you and weren't showing you on camera for that reason.
Whatever the hell it was, he knew that you were not going to be in a healthy condition when you were found. MC looked like they had been hit by a bus, and he feared the worst for you. If there was a single hair out of line on your head, he was going to go ballistic. He was going to go nuclear and destroy everyone. Nothing would stop him and nobody would be able to hold him back. He would lose control of himself for the second time in his life. But at the very least, this time, he was sure that he wouldn't regret whatever he did.
His brother had the same sentiment in his heart. They would do anything to make sure that their father couldn't hurt anyone ever again. He had gotten away with too much for too long, and if someone didn't put a stop to it then he would just keep doing it. It wouldn't stop at them. There would be other victims and other people that got into his path. All he cared about was keeping his established power over others. If anything got in the way of his squeaky-clean image then he would destroy it.
In a way, Saeran could relate to that sentiment. He had lived by that motto for such a long time that he didn’t know how else to live. It was a disgusting way to live and no way to sustain yourself forever. It was the way that you lived when you cared about nothing but yourself. It was a selfish way to exist. It was a disgusting way to exist and the more that he thought about the man that he was before you came into his life, the sicker he felt.
Monsters are always cowards. They are always nothing but cowards who hide behind their hubris. They hide behind others and they do dirty things to keep themselves in control. His father was no different than any other monster. He was just as they all were. Even if he was frightened of the man at some point, when he thought about this he knew that he would be able to face this wrath in the face of the devil. His anger would be enough to help him through it.
The blood boiling underneath his skin was just second nature to him now. He didn't want you to see him like this but if it was going to happen, that it was going to happen in the act of saving you. This was about saving you and giving you the life that you deserved. This wasn’t about trying for something that would… Well, he didn’t know what might happen and he couldn’t account for the future in his hands that wasn’t already there in front of him. He just had to focus on a second-by-second play-through.
A sharp breath drew through his lungs as he thought about what he had to do. His eyes rested on the building that was in front of him with dread pooling inside of him. He didn’t have to do this, but he was going to do it. In front of him was the mountainside that had been owned by V and was now under Jumin’s care. This was the place that he stayed before he was whisked away to Mint Eye with the wave of a hand. Those memories were still confusing and perplexing since he didn’t have all of them.
He could thank the elixir for that.
It hadn’t been for a very long time. It was maybe a few months at most, but it had been long enough that he could place himself all over the household. As he stepped through the threshold and moved the sliding glass to the side, he found himself staring into a deathly quiet home. There was nothing inside but the remains of the past. Jumin hadn’t touched a single thing in the place. There was only someone who came in now and again to tidy up the dust that covered things. Apart from that, it was a lonely little house in the mountains.
Driver Kim was waiting for him out front but he had as much time as he needed to locate what Jumin had mentioned. When Saeyoung broke down so suddenly, Saeran decided to offer what he had while his brother was on the cusp of losing control of himself. Saeran knew what angry and the unwinding feeling of animosity was like, and it hadn’t thrown him into a state of catatonic shock as it had his brother. Yes, he was angry and seething with every moment that he thought of what disgusting acts could happen to you. But, he was fixated on destroying everything that dared to cause it instead of letting himself feel sick over the chances of risk.
Saeyoung could handle what he needed back at C&R, but it wasn’t a good idea to send him into Jihyun’s home. As much as the physical recoil Saeran felt whenever he thought of V tormented him to no ends, his brother was almost as worse for wear as he was when it came to thinking of the tragic mint-haired man. After all, as much as Saeran loathed the man, Saeyoung had been lied to over and over again directly to his face. That was a different kind of hurt that left him bitter in a way that Saeran couldn’t understand.
He knew what it felt like to seemingly be abandoned by everyone after they made a promise, but he didn’t know the depth of someone lying to your face and quelling your nerves with a false hope to which you could never know the outcome of. In Mint Eye, he had always known that much of what he was being told was a farce but he simply accepted it and engaged with it because he had nothing left to turn to or think of… at least, until you dropped into his lap like a dream that he had once had, whisking him away to believe in something else.
His fingers traced a line down the way as he wandered from the main room, down the hallway where he knew V’s office was. He could see adorned on the walls were different photographs that had been strung up over the years that V had taken. Saeran tried his best not to focus on them but each of those photographs was something that had once spoken to him. He’d seen so many places in those photographs that he tried to envision himself there every time he closed his eyes to go to sleep at night.
These were views that nobody else could touch.
“...”
But, the memory of his younger self running through the halls with wide, childlike wonder in his eyes as he questioned V about where he had been and what it had felt like was eating away at him again. He could see it as plain as day in front of him. The smiling look on his face as he pulled at V’s sleeve and pointed at a photograph, listening to everything that V had to say about it as if V were the God to the universe who held the key to his freedom.
Saeran took in a breath as he let himself turn his head away from the photos. If he were to stare at them for too long, he might remember what it felt like to have V right by his side. When he was a child, it was all he ever wanted. He had never felt a good presence when he was close to Rika, and now he supposed that was for good reason, but he always felt warm with V. That had been a poor choice as well, hadn’t it? His younger self clung to anything that made him feel warm. Perhaps, V had always been the sun.
Only there for a moment and then, suddenly, exploding like a supernova and taking the rest of the universe with it.
Ignoring the burst that clung to him like a flame, he found himself opening the door to the office. It was the same as the rest of the house. It was a clean space that was organized in a very mindful way. You would think that this man hardly had anything of value as he subscribed himself to the theory of minimalism but it was simply a ruse. There was nothing on top of the desk apart from the keyboard to his desktop and the remaining mouse.
In the corner, however, there were a couple of pots of cacti. V had always prided himself on those things. Saeran scoffed but kept looking around. Jumin hadn’t given him much of a hint. There’d only been a note that said to look in this room. The rest of the house wouldn’t have answers in it, just the ghosts of the past.
“Where the hell would you hide it?”
He leaned over to flip through the drawers to see if he could find what he came here for. Jumin had given him the locks and codes to check everywhere. Somewhere in this room was something that V had personally set aside for the twins to have. It was one of the few messages that had been found in his things after the accident that Jumin discovered but he hadn’t set out to find what V had left for the boys himself given there had been much going on at the time to risk their safety for what V left.
He found various folders and negatives for photographs, as he expected, but there was nothing else in there that caught his eye. That was, until he reached the bottom drawer, finding nothing to see insight but a hollow piece of wood on top. He tapped it a few times until he found an end piece that he could pull up.
It was a false bottom. Underneath was a single picture frame that was flipped on its back. He had no idea why that would be there in the bottom. Saeran decided to lift it out of the drawer to inspect whatever was inside, turning it around in hands to see—
The frame fell from his hands with a loud clatter almost immediately. The sound of glass hitting the ground echoed in the room but the photograph inside remained intact. Staring back at Saeran was a photograph of himself and V… it was one that Rika had taken. He couldn’t have been older than sixteen or seventeen in the photo, but he still looked as though he were a mere child. Despite how much they had tried to get him to eat and enjoy the sunlight, his body still looked younger than it was for quite some time.
His eyes were seemingly filled with life and fulfillment, bright and golden, and V seemed just as he always had.
His mint eyes were tired and withdrawn from the world but his smile somehow was the most genuine thing about him at the time. Saeran had never thought that the people that promised to take care of him would fail him the way that they did, and this photo… This photo was from a time in his life that he could barely remember happening. Seeing V’s arm over his shoulder as they smiled at the camera dug into his veins.
This wasn’t the same V that he had seen on his final day. This was the V that his brain wanted to remember. This was the sight that he wished he remembered instead of the one that lay bloodied on the ground with that stupid smile on his face, even as he lay there dying. He may not have been able to see anything by the time that he reached the end, but Saeran could remember those eyes on him the entire time. Not once had he been looking at Rika. He had looked at Saeran… words with no sound left to come.
No…
Saeran felt his breath hitch and crack as the photo stared back at him. He felt frozen in time as the stillness overtook the room and left nothing but the sounds of the air drawing into his lungs. He felt frozen. Yet, the more that he stared at the photo, the more that he realized that there was some kind of reason why V had placed this where he had. His hands felt sticky with the red that he long feared, but he knew, he knew that it wasn’t real. He closed his eyes and forced himself to move his body once more.
He moved the glass out of the way, pulling the photograph into his hands, and swiftly turned it to the back once more. On the photograph was a small note. It was written in V’s handwriting so he did not doubt in mind that it was done purposefully. Saeran sat on the carpet and pulled the photo into his hands so that he could read it with the help of the sunlight pouring in from the window that hung over his head.
“Dear Saeran,” he muttered, seeing that the note had been addressed to him and not his twin brother.
That wasn’t a surprise to him. Saeyoung didn’t know the truth of what had happened at the time and he likely wasn’t supposed to. He didn’t know what V had been thinking. Nobody had. He just ran with Rika and tried to pour himself into a fresh hell without knowing how to remove himself or Saeran from the situation. He never knew if V agreed with what happened if he simply allowed it to happen due to the circumstance. He always called himself a coward, after all.
Dear Saeran,
There is no excuse for my failure. I promised you that I would protect you from harm, I promised your brother that I would keep you safe from any danger in this world, and I also promised Rika that I’d be there to love her regardless of what demon she felt herself to be. I made these promises thinking that I could keep them all. As it turns out, keeping one’s promise is difficult when you’ve learned something unspeakable.
My mother loved me with every fiber of her being. She gave her life for mine. She tried to support me every step of the way when my father stopped getting in her way, but I was warped by my selfishness in life and allowed myself to be clouded by my father’s words and promises. I feared to dream that I had a chance to live the impossible dream. My father held life over me as I grew, and yet, my mother had tried her hardest to make me believe in my dreams… just as she believed in me.
Her love was selfless and unstoppable.
When she gave her life for mine, I thought… I thought that was what I must do. If my mother gave her life for mine, it was my mission to live my life for others. It was my duty to stick with everyone that I came to love and care for… even if they hurt me or pushed me away. I believed that was the only way to live. It would be wrong to live a life without dedicating the rest of it to the person that gave me that second chance. But, I have come to realize that I learned the wrong lesson.
To give yourself to others is a selfless cause, but to give yourself to others and allow it to destroy every life around you under the lie of claiming it protects them… Even if I realize my mistakes, I have fallen too far to turn around. This is the path I have chosen and I only regret that it has hurt you. I cannot save you and Rika together. I have to save you and face Rika myself, but I fear I may never be able to help you escape. I know that you will never wish to see me again after all this, and if you come across this message, I know my apologies will never make amends or peace for your weary soul.
I am sorry, Saeran. I don’t expect you to forgive me. But, I will never be angry with you for whatever you decide. I will never be angry with you. I will never be upset with you. No matter what you feel for me in your life, I pray that you find happiness. I pray that you smile one day underneath the sunset you adore. I can’t save myself.
I can’t save Rika.
It’s too late for us.
It cannot be too late for you and Saeyoung.
But, I pray, I pray that you can be saved. If I believe in it, it must come to be. I will always be watching over you and praying for your freedom… no matter the cost it takes from me… even if I lose my life to ensure your safety. If you find this letter in good fortune, I suggest you take a look at the desert’s love and beauty.
— V.
What a cheap excuse.
“You did give up your life, you bastard,” his voice croaked. He gripped the photograph tightly, so tightly that he could feel his fingers starting to ache. No matter how much he wanted to hate the bastard with every part of his heart, there was a quiet voice in the back of his head that dreamed of knowing that V hadn’t given up on him. “You made me do it!”
Rika had taken him without V knowing about it for some time, that much, he did know, because it was something that he had figured out after the Savior blurted out the truth of her lies to him. But it wasn’t an excuse for why V failed to make a move over those years that he was trapped in the damned cult. He had a hundred chances… he could’ve…
So, this bastard kept trying to save two people instead of trying to save Saeran alone. No wonder he started bowing to Rika near the end. He accepted his fate. He was allowing himself to drown and that thought made him sick. Who would willingly choose to suffocate in the water when they had a hundred people to turn to? Jumin Han would never spill the beans, he could have spoken to that man if he had the foresight to think about his friendships. But, no, he decided to burn himself as his mother had.
V could’ve lived if he asked for help.
Saeran wouldn’t have closed his eyes in a blind rage and lost every sense of being as his hands trembled against his gun. It wouldn’t have ended the way that it had if V had chosen to do the right thing. Maybe he still would’ve been around… maybe Saeran would’ve been able to call him something akin to a father if he hadn’t been a coward. Maybe he and Saeyoung could’ve lived in peace together if V had fought harder for himself.
But this letter told Saeran that V had given up on himself years ago. God knows when he stopped believing in himself. His choice dragged everyone down, just as Rika’s had. But he didn’t deserve to die for them. Saeran furiously scrubbed at his eyes with his sleeve as best he could. Maybe the child that believed in V would care about this letter and his warm words, but Saeran was too sullen and gone to think about what it meant. He couldn’t allow himself to think what those feelings meant deep down inside of his chest.
But, someone was weeping in the back of his mind… a quiet voice crying and clinging to the light that Saeran had long given up on. Whoever that voice belonged to, he was relieved to think V had cared even if he failed to show it properly. He lowered the photograph and lifted his head as the light from the room was covered with the cloud cover from outside. It seemed as though it was going to rain now. Was the sky weeping?
Unlike the desert sky, huh.
Wait.
Saeran looked over at the desk where the cactus lay. He narrowed his eyes to inspect the group of plants only to realize that there was a fake in the sea of greenery. He reached over to grasp the tiny tin and shook it. There was a rattling noise it made. There was something inside of it… it was a hollow pot with something inside. He gave a small tug to the fake plant and a flash drive slid out from its insides into his hand. It was the very thing that Saeran had been looking for all this time. This was the key.
He decided to plug it into his laptop and check it out. Files sprung to life in front of him, every one of them was about his father and what he had done. There were details about himself in it and about his brother… Then, the deeper he dove, the more that he discovered. It wasn’t just the crimes of his sons existing and the threats that he poured into keeping them at bay. No, the inside of the flash drive contained information about Saejoong’s crimes within the agency. There were hundreds of documents.
It was the very same agency that Saeyoung had worked for… Saejoong had been paying his weight in money to the agency to get jobs done. It seemed as though the reason that he had been able to get his job as Prime Minister was that he paid off the right people to ensure that he was the one and only person that people could choose. He lied and cheated his way to the top, looking as if he were just a family man who cared about the fate of the county.
He had always been a liar and a cheat. His crimes went back to the near beginning of his career. It was almost disgusting how readily he paid for everything he wanted. He was truly the very monster that Saeran always knew him to be. But Saeran was looking at the very thing that had the power to stop Saejoong once and for all. This could destroy him beyond repair and put him away for life.
V had given them the key to destroying Saejoong Choi.
“Damned bastard, you…” Saeran couldn’t let himself finish the thought. He went to remove the flash drive so that he could tuck it away for safe-keeping until he returned to C&R but he had to stop just as his mouse hovered over the edge. A small folder caught his eye. It wasn’t labeled at all and it seemed like it was out of place. He decided to click it and he found some photographs on the inside. He clicked the file and was surprised to see something reflecting at him. It looked as if it was taken at Mint Eye.
It was of a garden… the garden at Mint Eye that he once cherished. Yet, it looked like it was only just in the beginning. It looked like people had only just started planting flowers and tending to everything. It had to be two years ago. He clicked through the photos one by one to see the set of progress that it produced. V had been undercover as one of the members of the garden staff. That was why Rika had decided to get rid of them all. She caught him red-handed… and that’s why he had found you.
He clicked more and more until he hit a photo that made him stop in his tracks. It was a photo of you amongst the flowers. You were standing there with a reluctant smile on your face. You looked so tired and withdrawn but amongst those flowers… you were the one that shined the brightest. It was your haven. The sight of your smile made him feel warm. This was… this had to be when you first joined. So, you had interacted with V a few times in your past, but you never knew it was him until the end.
Saeran wasn’t sure how to feel about that… but those choices had led him to you, so he had to accept it. He went to click through the last set of photos but he found himself stopping as he realized the scene changed. The photo was taken of the garden from one of the doorways, but in front of the photographer, you could see a man standing there in a magenta coat, his hair white and slicked with traces of pink that couldn’t be washed away. He was clutching onto the closest tree as he watched something just ahead of him.
Beyond the man was a person amongst the flowers… that person was you. You were looking up at the night sky and reaching out for the stars. You had no way of knowing the man was watching at that time but you didn’t seem to care. You lived in your world and separated from you was a man that wanted more than anything to get close to you. Saeran knew that the man in the photo looked just like him but he knew that he wasn’t that man.
He had no memories of wearing those clothes or holding his body in that manner. He couldn’t at all remember any of this. It couldn’t have been him. Yet, the smallest voice in the back of his mind claimed to be that very someone… the very someone that had longed to reach out and be close to a person named [Y/N]. Saeran didn’t know what to think of the voice. It was small and meek when compared to his own, but it felt so familiar to him… as if that voice had always been there with him somehow.
“Who were you?” he murmured, fingers brushing against the screen as he saw something that he never knew. “Is this… why I always wanted [Y/N]? Is it because you wanted them, too? I don’t get it.”
Why didn’t he ever reach out for you the way that Saeran had if he yearned to be by your side so strongly? Whoever he was, he was sad and withdrawn. He never took a chance on something, did he? Maybe he was a coward… maybe he knew that it was too dangerous to grasp at anyone… Maybe he knew what Saeran had to learn the hard way over and over, that Rika would use anyone he cared about against him. It was dangerous to show weakness. That’s why he had become apathetic in the first place.
The voice continued, I was a coward… I am a coward. They were a shining star, Saeran. The Savior caught me watching them and proved that it was reason enough that I shouldn’t be allowed anything good. She took [Y/N] under her wing as her favorite gardener… and held that in front of me like a shiny prize. I worked so hard to be able to meet them one day under the Savior’s blessing, but I failed, and I was never going to be good enough for them… and I paid for my feelings with everything… I stopped breathing… living… existing… nothing… I was nothing… and he took control after me… and you took control after him…
“...”
He couldn’t remember anything in his past. It didn’t make sense at first but now it did make sense. He couldn’t remember because it had never been him in the first place. He didn’t live and breathe those memories. They belonged to someone else. Saeran drew in a breath and shut his laptop with a firm knock. He stashed it away in his back and moved to head towards the front door, pausing in the doorway to say—
“I’m not a coward… we’re not a coward. We’re going to save [Y/N] and they’re going to be in our life forever going forward. That’s what they want… that’s what I want. I’m not going to let us be destroyed. Not now. Not ever. Not again. They’re going to be okay because we’re going to break that fucker to pieces for giving us this life in the first place. I’ll be damned if he takes the one and the only person that ever believed in me… in us. Rest easy, whoever you are.”
As for V, Saeran would have to visit his grave once this was over… if only to confront his demons after removing Saejoong from the picture. He deserved one thanks for giving Saeran the key if he received nothing else.
