The thing about Notre Dame is that...this is actually my religion. I’m Catholic. But I don’t actually care about it?
For the most part it’s just...it’s just Stuff. I’m trying to think if I would have an Emotional Religous reaction to any place being damaged and...maybe the Vatican? For all that Notre Dame is a pretty, old, and famous church it’s still just a building. We’re not even supposed to care so much about the material world, right? It’s just Stuff.
It’s not even like it was an attack, either. When this sort of thing happens to other people there’s often an element of prejudice, of Attack. This was, as far as I understand it, an accident. I am not Afraid to be Catholic because of this event.
I maybe feel a little bad because theoretically this one is Mine but I don’t feel any more about it than, y’know, the dozen other tragedies I scroll past in a given day. It might be Catholic Stuff but it’s just Stuff and especially in a Catholic context, how important is that really?
This is one of those Don't Read This things. Just scroll on by.
Adding more to the list of Stuff I've Gotten Emotional Over:
the state of Wisconsin
physical exertion, for some reason, reminded me of stuff
the word "sleep"
I literally broke down crying because I read the word "sleep." This is so random. But I just...I heard it in his voice, in my head...and I'll never hear it in his voice in real life again...I'll never hear his voice in real life at all again.
My sister has a relationship with this guy who is not good for her (not least because he is 20 years older than her) and is pulling her away from the family. I had a wonderful boyfriend who my family liked and we had a great relationship. Both of these guys (mine and my sister's) have the same name. She gets to keep hers and mine broke up with me.
I'm writing it and posting it anyway, so you can read it if you really want to. But it will probably just make you sad, and maybe hurt you, and I would advise against it. Also it will tell you way too much about me.
This is your last warning.
So on the 7 hour international flight I had a wonderful terrible dream. Dream and analysis below the cut.
The reason it's a wonderful terrible dream is because the dream was lovely wish-fulfillment; and the wishes it was fulfilling can't be granted in real life.
I guess I'll start at the beginning.
I was working at the stables at my undergrad college, and I was in charge of taking reservations and writing them on a clipboard. Reservations could only be made the same day (which isn't the way it works irl of course, but explanation later). Then I was assigned my horse, and he was either a blue roan or a dappled gray and his name was Snowman. He had some particular story and was known to be awesome. I rode him up these steps, but he jumped every one powerfully (they were like little stone walls that were steps).
Then I was working again, only instead of the barn it was a Japanese shop. I was supposed to practice my Japanese and communicate with Japanese-speaking people. The shop was a bakery, at least partly, because there were these sets (well, the same 4 things with different themes, you would only buy one) of giant mega cupcakes (bought by the slice), regular cupcakes, mini cupcakes, and a cookie decorated in theme. Then it turned out the shop was affiliated with said college and on Broadway. It didn't look like Broadway much, it was very visually similar to Japanese cities, but (as you do in dreams) I knew it was Broadway. It had residential bits and shopping. I ran into a bunch of my college friends through the job, especially the ones who also took Japanese/went to Japan.
Eventually, I was walking with my now-ex-I-guess along the dream-Broadway. I put my arm around him, the way I would do, but quickly jumped back when I realized what I was doing. "It's okay," he told me. Like, 'you can touch me, it's okay, because we're still friends.'
Then we sat on the sidewalk and started talking about the future, the way it would go. It was meant to explain why it's okay he broke up with me. I don't remember much of it until the point where he says "and I'll marry...probably you, actually."
My brain immediately adds Yes, of the people we know now probably me. But also this is about the future so he could have said 'someone I haven't met yet' or 'someone I'll meet while I'm working' or something like that.
So then I'm thinking "See? Then why? Please? Why can't we do long distance?" And I guess I sort of cling to him because that's what I want to do in that situation (though irl I probably wouldn't). We end up with our arms around each other, holding hands, the we we used to.
And he, like, breathes deeply and relaxes and is like, 'Yeah, this is nice.' And I relax too and I know we can will make this work and everything will be okay.
And then I wake up and none of it is true.
#wishful thinking, #baring my soul #breakup 2-week-iversary
So now for analysis. I would tell you not to read this, but if you've got this far you really might as well.
A bunch of stuff comes from my Japan trip. The reservations only for those who show up in the morning is like the Tsukiji fish market auction (which we missed, incidentally), and the Japan-style cityscape and Japanese language are obvious. Sweets in a general store is also a pretty Japanese thing. That's the boring whats-in-my-life-now-analysis.
But basically, this dream is several sorts of wish fulfillment. I would like to be able to speak Japanese well, and I want to find a job for the summer. Those are ok I guess 'cause I can maybe do those. Also they're small things; I'm not that worried about a job (I'll probably get one) or Japanese (it doesn't really matter).
(Over)analysis says what I really want is to go back to college where I can see my friends all the time. Consciously I don't want that of course, not really, I left and I'm okay with that because that's what's supposed to happen.
But what I really, really want is to have him back. And I guess ideally I want that in the same way I've always wanted it: no change of plans but still no breaking up. In the dream it plays out like the first time we almost broke up, when he came to talk to me and hugging me and talking to me felt so good that we couldn't break up. I still don't understand why we have to break up now. My only reasonable conclusion is that he doesn't love me (or at least, wants to love someone else), but there is also every indication that he does love me, and if we both love each other, WHY DO WE HAVE TO BREAK UP?
When I'm sad I like to ask myself what I want. Everything works out better if I have a concrete plan, and if I know exactly what I want sometimes I get it. But in this case what I really want is my boyfriend but that doesn't seem to be a thing that can happen. So, excluding things that aren't possibilities, I don't know what I want. I don't even know if I want the career-future I've been working towards since I was about 7. Everything is unraveling. I've got a lovely metaphor for it, but if you're reading this you've got more than enough on my already and if you're not there's no point in writing it.
