I was gonna post this to my main but decided against it
Disclaimer b4 I type out this post because I know yall are gonna freak out: I am NOT going to shoot up my school. I would never do that. I like my highschool. I have friends, I have a good life, I'm not getting bullied, and I dont even have a gun in the first place. I AM NEVER GOING TO KILL ANYONE!!!! there. Theres your disclaimer, now you can't be pissed off at me.... also tw gun violence tw school shootings, you get the idea. DO NOT KEEP READING IF YOURE GONNA TRY AND THROW ME UNDER THE BUS FOR THIS POST! (tumblr is like a diary to me sometimes)
Okay, now that we've gotten that over with, let's begin. School shootings. I've watched a few PSAs about it (they were both sorta lame and stupid tbh, but I'm not gonna go in depth in those departments), anwyays, I've watched a few school shooting PSAs and I gotta say, the way media frames these attacks is so... I dont know. Maybe I'm looking at it all twisted, but there is a certain fantasy constructed around school shooters that draws in kids who feel theyve been alienated, kids like I used to be in 7th grade. In every PSA, there's always a moment where the shooter reveals himself as your worst fucking nightmare, busts through the doors guns blazing, yelling at everyone "LOOK AT ME!"... there is a power in that moment that I find so captivating. Obviously, I'm not delusional. I'm not a psychopath. I know that in real life, shooting attacks are horrific things. People die. I know this. But oh my god. Those PSAs have really cut me deep, down to some bone whose existence I wish I could ignore. The bone, sawed in half, is crying out to me now. "LOOK AT ME!" it screams. "I AM A PART OF YOU!" and you realize that you have got more in common with that dude on screen than you think. You realize that actually, you and him are kinda the same in this sick twisted way. And in this sick twisted way you wish you woulda done it. You look back to your old junior high and imagine busting through the doors with a gun. You fantasize about the fear in everyones eyes, in their faces, they scream and beg and you finish them off without mercy. The blood, the brains, the horror, and the bodies are there for the taking. You see in your mind such a clear picture.... like in the PSAs. Where instead of the placeholder white teenage boy its YOU, you're the white teenage boy and everyone who ever looked down on you is gonna feel your wrath. It's such a euphoric fantasy. I cant even begin to describe the power!!! In that one moment. The reveal. Everyone is shocked. Everyone is horrified. Everyone runs, afraid of you. Like you become a god, or at least, a predator animal. Then at the end, you save yourself a bullet. Look over the dead bodies,,, your dead bodies,, and then join them. Peaceful exit. Energy spent. Sing a few verses of a song, and then finish the job.
But in the end, that's all it is.
A fantasy. A fantasy from my junior high years that I have trouble releasing. I KNOW that I wouldn't ever do that today. I know that I wouldn't want to do that at my highschool. In the end, I would NEVER do that. But still the dirty thought of it lingers. Every time I see one of these GODDAMN FUCKING PSAs where you have the shooter busting in like that I'm basically triggered into this fantasy. This fantasy I built in secret... this fantasy I must dismantle.
I want to let go of the hate in my heart. Listen, hear me out. I have never in my life had a healthy way of coping with anything. I didn't get help from anyone, so of course I didnt have healthy coping mechanisms, I was a mentally ill child with nobody. It was... not a surprise.
I think that, on a path towards healing, you need to learn to drop your unhealthy coping mechanisms and get healthier ones. You need to drop the god fantasy, you need to drop the self harm, you need to drop the child with healthy parent-child relationship fantasy... you need to drop everything that's downright degenerate about you. For me I think those are the main three. The way they contrast each other is jarring.
Look, I KNOW this sounds borderline psychopathic. But I swear I'm a... okay, maybe not normal... I'm a decent person. I try to be. I try to be kind to everyone yknow? I'm not... I'm not so full of hatred anymore. It's just that sometimes I see somehting like that PSA and the anger resurfaces and I remember and I can feel my past self...
Not even just shooting stuff... that's a relatively minor part of the big picture. In the big picture, it's always things like happy children with their wholesome parents. That takes me back and I can again feel my past self,, even my present self mourns the loss of this. And i am so... angry. Jealous. Sad. And well, I'm at a loss for how I should feel. I always think "why? Why them? Why does that kid get a happy childhood? Why not me? I was the same as that kid is right now. The exact same. And you're giving HIM this experience... this HAPPY, NORMAL, HEALTHY experience... and you give me this clusterfuck of confusion. Okay.
.... who is "you"???? I notice I talk in second person a lot but I don't know who I'm addressing it to.
I used to have a habit of talking to god so maybe it's just that carrying over..
I used to beg god when I was a child. To let me be happy. To let me be normal.
.... I wish things could be different.
