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what i ate today:

breakfast -a fibre 1 brownie bar -black coffee

lunch: -raspberries and diet soda + laughing cow cheese

dinner: gnocchis, 1 cup, with red sauce, and diet soda again LOL (i dont really get to decide what i have for supper)

snacks: -gum+vape

cals was 516... i wanna keep this up

so pro tip!!! eat fruit instead of unhealthy snacks!

heres what i would’ve eaten if i didnt count calories:

breakfast -chocolate dipped granola bar (50cals more) -black coffee

lunch: a toast with butter or dulce de leche OR garlic bread, or naan bread... really just some sort of bread, OR chips (which can be like 290cals) + another bar

dinner: whatever my parents make, without paying much attention to the portions/calories (i dont really get to decide what i have for supper) + a desert of some kind, like a piece of chocolate

snacks: chips and/or cereal (dry tho) + diet soda

ofc my regular diet varies and some days i dont eat breakfast or lunch at all but eat a lot for supper and snacks... or when i smoke pot i eat more chocolate, i could do like three 140calorie bars in one sitting. what i need to do, is CHOOSE NOT TO.

this usually comes out to 900-1500calories depending

which is a huge difference.

i think i can make it.

i lowkey wanna mix scene and mcbling but im also nowhere near pretty enough to pull that off

how does it feel??? a mixture of good and bad. A mixture.

this is the first time in my entire life people have shown me love.

Superiority + Control (motivational post)

My choices make me. Who makes my choices? me. Therefore, I make me.

It’s up to me if i want to have good grades or bad ones. If I want to eat enough or too much. Healthy or unhealthy. It's up to me if I want to be close with the Holy Spirit or not. It's up to me. Everything I do, I CHOOSE to do. So I have to make the right choices, to get the right outcomes.

You are in control, Caleb. YOU are your own master. You can decide what you want to do. So show me what i know to be true: show me you're morally upright. show me you aren't like other people: fat slobs, slaves to their own desires... Show me you have self discipline and restraint. Show me your intelligence. Show me you’re more than a mindless animal, more than a disgusting pig... show me what things look like when YOU decide.

You are in control. No matter how hungry you feel or how much you crave food, you can always make the conscious decision to smile and say “No, thank you.”

which of the following images would you rather look like?

its up to you

magnetictapedatastorage

lets just replace the word “gender” with “sexist stereotype”

sexist-stereotype nonconformity. sexist stereotype identity. sexist stereotype critical. sexist stereotype binary. sexist stereotype validation. sexist stereotype diversity. sexist stereotype fluidity. sexist stereotype dysphoria

current weight: 123.4lbs

goal weights:

1. 120lbs

2. 115lbs

3. 110lbs

4. 100lbs

i think i understand now...

i want to be shown love and affection and positive attention. love. praise. things i never got. and right now, under these circumstances, acting out sexually is what brings me love.

that’s kind of sad.

vital-information

One of the common consequences of experiencing long-term emotional neglect, especially in childhood, (which is an experience that often but not always coincides with experiences of abuse and physical neglect,) is that the person grows up lacking clarity about who they are and what they value. This, at best, leads to inconsistent behaviors that confuse others and even the individual, themself. Worse consequences can be fusing interests and identities with others, developing deeply dependent relationships, and falling easily into abusive coercion as it provides a sense of direction, and all these things will cause a painful underlying sense of self-abandonment.

Where does one begin to discover their own values, though? Emotions need to be felt and accepted. Varied interests need to be explored independently of relationships. Periods of contentment and peace and joy need to receive some personal reflection. My most eye-opening experience was a five-month period where I mostly went off social media. Even after that, actually identifying the threads that are running through our lives and making things meaningful might still elude us.

Recently, however, I found a long-ass list of personal values, and it’s been a game-changer! I went through the list one evening and started reading and sorting the values for myself. I had three categories: Yes, no, and eh?. The eh? category could probs be split into two subgroups: values I practiced in really damaging ways when stressed out (like ‘control’ or ‘health’) and values that I just tended to pragmatically but that didn’t especially bring me as much contentment as the yes category, as in I hadn’t and wasn’t going to make major life decisions on these values (like ‘excellence’ and ‘friendship’). I worked hard to be honest with myself and non-judgmental about my choices, especially considering the cultural-climate and my personal experiences of being pressured to value certain things. So ‘equity’ and ‘tolerance’ ended up surprisingly in my eh? category. ‘Trust’ and ‘teamwork’ even went in my no category. These are not judgments about whether I think they should or should not be a part of the world and whether others should or shouldn’t follow them. There were also some helpful distinctions made (between ‘job security’ and ‘financial security,’ for example).

After I’d sorted everything, I went through my yes column and picked out the personal values that really lie at my core. In these choices, I simply noticed what has in the past and continues to bring me a meaningful and long-lasting sense of joy and drive. And, in fact, I even added one that I identified but didn’t see anywhere on the list (’goofiness’–heads up, there are no value on the list about humor if some form of that is important to you). I also reworded some to match them to myself (’beauty’ became ‘aesthetics,’ ‘commitment’ became ‘engagement,’ ‘meaningful work’ became ‘meaningfulness’). The list is your oyster, baby!

With the list of values, it starts clarifying what you might want in life. What kind of job will fit your values? How do you select and describe yourself to potential partners and friends? How do you plan to spend your time and nourish your mind? Especially for people who have a tendency towards following other people’s lead to their own detriment, the values help you decide and explain what kind of activities you’d enjoy and what kind of events you might let your friends go do without you because you can start to recognize they might be draining or uninteresting to you.

Here’s the list. Hope it’s helpful for others. https://personalvalu.es/personal-values-list

not enough love and your daughter has been twice across the globe and knows the pyramids and cathedrals and rainforests and every treasure of the world but does not know you

#detrans cen childhood emotional neglect

The Curse Of Knowing + A Real American Romance

I’ve always been OFF. I searched my entire life of 16 years to fix myself... only to realize that 6 will never be 7... only to realize that the world is corrupt.

WE FELL IN LOVE IN THE SPRING: which is fitting. The sun lighting up the skies and melting away the frosty encasing of my red heart, like the blood of an animal sacrifice. My heart, red, still beating and still LEARNING to beat... learning to beat, and yet it’s drum beats in sync with his.

WHAT CAN I TELL MYSELF to feel like less of a hypocrite? What do I have left to tell myself? That I have succumbed? That I... am evil?

In many ways, yes. and in many ways, no. I am not fit to judge that. 6 is not 7. I’ll never be the person I used to be. But why preoccupy myself with this question, when all I can do is my best? I ask a lot of things from you...Time, Mercy, Trust, Compassion. OH HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN! can you make an exception for me, the victim of knowledge? When I fall, can you see that I was tripped?

Put on more of that music. I’ll listen to that band over and over again knowing it’s your favourite. Tell me This Time is Something Special... As if it won’t end up another memory I use as a blanket to fall asleep, another memory of me, but not me, another person, another person with my name and my form, in another time, in another place, doing something I wouldn’t approve of.

Pretend you aren’t ravenously hungry, stroke my hair with your fighting hands, scarred on the knuckles... shift on your rickety knees. Tell me its okay. this is one of the parts of you I love.

Then, reveal to me

one of the things that blocks mankind from divinity. one of the things that makes us man, animal,

and beast.

Your desperation is obvious and your fingers are fumbling with my ridiculous belt buckle, but you’re a man, so you insist on taking it off yourself. This is another thing about you that i love. You’ll catch me staring at you more than once today.

Sometimes you are quiet. You let me talk for an eternity. I like when you talk, yes, but I also like when you listen. Because so many people don’t. I like when you smile at me that knowing sort of smile, your crinkled eyes casting a light directly to my soul. You behold a snake, you kiss a snake and you give it a chest to rest its little scaled head on...

A real american romance, in canada.

tylerwritez

new plan:

1. do everything the same

2. except: no physcial transition

3. phase out the pronouns… but keep the name.

4 IMPROVEMENTMAXXING

5. get a fucking boyfriend

6. maybe feel pretty

tylerwritez

literally currently doing all of these

I am smiling from ear to ear

i am the FURTHEST thing from “traumatized”... I hate puritans.

so many people are calling Hunter a creep for this post but tbh i feel the same sort of thing as an actual female myself lol

im not a girl or woman or whatever

i see girls and women and they never look anything like me

they never act like me, i never am able to identify myself as one of them

and i wouldn’t want to, it makes me feel weird to be perceived as such

and i am a boy, a man, but not male, never male,

i can be read as male and i like to be read as male but Im not male

Im a boy and ive always been a boy but I’m female.

I’m a female boy, but i don't want to transition, and ill be a girl for the right person, for the wrong reasons

im a female boy but im not ftm. im a female, who is nothing like a girl and everything like a boy, who does not want to medically transition and who wants to be with a man. I want to be seen as male by everyone except people I’m comfortable with. i dont know why.

tomboy to the utmost extreme, but society doesn’t allow us that.

It’s intimidating to me that every female like me is now a “they them” or fully trans. its like i dont have a space to belong in.

fletcher is a cool name i think. fletch for short

jan 23

The fire in my heart feels like its fading. I'm just sad. At this point, I'm just sad. Maybe even hopeless. Maybe even defeated. Maybe I dont feel anything at all anymore. There's nothing left here for me. I can't do anything. I'm a living sin. I should fucking die. Like. The world is fucking hell show, nobody takes me seriously or believes a word I say, nobody really cares about me and everyone thinks I'm crazy. The world hates Christ and is full of people I can never connect to. I love Christ yet will spend my entire life in mortal sin. just dont understand why things have to be so painful. The world literally doesnt feel the same way it used to and it never fucking will. Ever again. Once you see the things that are wrong you can't unsee them. Once you feel a wall come up between you and others It dont come down. Its very damaging yknow, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, to live this life, in such total conflict and confusion. To see the sin and hate the sin but also to BE the sin, to be unable to even imagine life without the sin. Satan has overtaken me and I'm sorry Hes right. My parents wont forgive me cos I didnt smoke for 3 months. Theyll forgive me when i show them I'm better than this. Christ wont allow me into the Kingdom of Heaven until i abandon ALL SIN.... this is the most painful part. But how can I even claim a love for Christ If I deny the biological reality He prepared for me, mutilate my body and attempt to bend Gods will and become something new??? If I deny His creation???Yknow I have hit puberty. I was 10. Now that I think about it, literally every change happened for the sole purpose of getting married to a man and having children. Having children. God wants me to have CHILDREN!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! God wants me to have children and to render myself infertile would be sinful. Thing is, there is so much pain within me about this. I cant even fathom using my old name or not compressing my chest and ribs to the point that it could possibly be fucking with my breathing. I cant

Even imagine any of the steps of a detransition without feeling vile and sick and panicking and going absolutely fucking apeshit and I know its because this is a sickness and I'm really fucking sick and honestly I'm so tired of being ILL when do i get to be healthy and well??? Like I was really fucking young when this started and I wonder if I'm just a bad fucking person and that's why I keep doing bad things. but I dont want to be a bad person.Maybe if I'd finished the Advil Job things would be better now. maybe God would take mercy on me. But now that I know better than to sin, and I continue to sin,... He proabably wont go soft on me if i try The Job again.Maybe I can repent for like a week, and then I'll be clean enough to finish it off no worries? I know suicide is sinful but if i do everything else right... Or does this count as "jewing my way out of things"? I mean maybe I should stop looking for the easy way out. "Never abandon the principle of struggle" right ian?? Right??? Never abandon the principle of struggle until its "too hard uwu". Jeez. I really hate you. But also, why couldnt I have just been BORN male??? I always wanted to be. I feel like I'm pretty masculine in spirit, in mind... idk. I couldve made for such a good man. Why'd it have to be this way? Was it really fucking necessary?? theres a million other women why make me one of them knowing I'll hate it and hate myself and become an abomination trying to escape it?I wish I could ask God why to his face and just have honest conversation but that's not really how this works. Prayer is time with God, but like to speak with Jesus, like, over a coffee or something. I want to fix this. I just barely even undertsand it in the first place so how Can I fix it? ..... no, let's start somewhere new. How can I understand it? how can I accept it? how can I learn to like myself the way I already am? how can I find Christ, all over again? how can I be who I already am?

Fuck it. it hurts a lot and Obviously its going to be very painful, but I'm going to try. at least I'll try.

ive merged jesse, jude, owen, and caleb.

im just ian

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