He doesn’t know what to think when he’s driven to the center. Mostly, Monoma is filled with dread and shame. It seemed, no matter what he did or said, the heroes were still branding the person he’d become a ‘villain’.
It wasn’t too late for him, though, they reassured him. He’d been changed once, he could change again.
But it didn’t make him feel better.
It was a long drive to this particular rehabilitation center. Monoma was still being guarded and watched carefully. Considering his sentence, he couldn’t help but wonder if it was truly for his sake or for the sake of the people around him. How dangerous did everyone consider him now...? How tainted...?...
Eventually, he’s guided inside. It seems to take hours, the paperwork, the security checks, all these formalities. Eventually, he’s brought to a room to wait for one of the many who’d be supervising his recovery. He fidgets, hating every moment.
I wish I could say everything I've done and still be loved. ... I feel this enormous debt to the world for letting me exist and do all the damage my living requires.
Eri’s smile is bright and it’s beautiful. It takes everything he has and more to match every one, but he does, beaming at her with every grin she gives him.
It’s what she deserves. She deserves to be happy.
And what about what he deserves?
He deserves to fall apart, rip apart, tear into shreds.
Though, it’s not hard. Once it all starts to blur together, once he’s started to get some distance, it’s all too simple a task to fall into rhythm, fall into line, reconstruct and reinvent himself into a new role, a new mask, a new performance for him to star in. Memorizing his new lines is easy, and he spends every session reciting them off.
“Now, how long have you felt suicidal for?” Therapist #4 dutifully asks him and he sighs, looks forlorn, makes the twisting in his gut form an obvious glimmer in his eyes.
“As long as I can remember,” he answers, though it’s not quite true, which is why it’s so easy. The truth only peeks through the sheen of a lie, actual anguish bleeding into the tragedy of a character. The truth is that his life always felt like a weight on him, a force that his hollow body was too weak to withstand, and it’s less that he wants to die and more that he wants to live so desperately that need has a stranglehold on him, choking and smothering as he tries so hard to reach for some sort of reprieve.
But that isn’t an easy answer.
Therapist #6 asks him, “What was your relationship with your parents like?”
And it’s easy, far too easy to repeat the first lie he’s ever been told to tell. He spends the whole time prattling about his poor, destructive mother and her ruinous quirk, how they couldn’t even touch without some sort of disaster happening, sparking from her hands, (he remembers clinging, crying in her arms, begging never to be let go of and wailing when they had to part because the rest of the world was so loud, so chaotic, all these powerful quirks crushing and strangling through him), how her moods matched in tune, how much distance has been pushed between them since, and then the bitch has the nerve to ask if that is why he ran into their arms, into His, and,
Monoma pauses,
and he nods.
Easy. Meaningless.
And it’s not all quick and winding answers, oh no, he knows better than that. He’s still difficult, he still plays up every mood swing and symptom they point out. He spends one session berating a therapist, meeting every inquiry with backhanded comments and rolling eyes, another he spends shouting and inconsolable, flinging papers and office supplies around for the fuck of it and spending a good hour afterwards getting coddled through a lecture. A conversation with an officer (lovely to see how little he’s still trusted, to still be poked and prodded at after all this time) turns sour after too many vague smirks and snickers at his own expense, and he ends up with his face slammed to the table, arm twisted behind his back in a way that’s all too familiar, giving him something to cry over the next day, the next session, when he’s telling the story once again.
(And that’s easier than it looks, turns out. Faking tears. He’s gotten quite good at adopting them all, really, that terrified blanche and wide, watery eyes that got anyone to rush over, tissues in hand.)
“And I think,” he says, reciting again, saying something easy, something meaningless, “that’s why I value it so much,” he mumbles, watching Faceless Man #12 write, studying his hands as they move over a notepad. “Value the chance to talk about it as it actually happened, I mean. It’s not something I had growing up, and...”
#12′s eyes raise, meeting his, and Monoma smiles sheepishly, politely embarrassed, playing the part.
“When did your penchant for dishonesty start?” he asks him slowly,
And I hate using you as a therapist and I'm sorry I keep doing it...
After today I'll stop...
... You're just easy to talk to...
... I mean, you've already seen such dark parts of myself and you're still here, for some reason...
... I mean, I hope I don't lose you or chase you away somehow... ah...mm....
...... I'm saying a lot... I'm not the most sober right now... I know it's bad and inappropriate and I shouldn't. I don't... really know what I'm doing...
I'm sorry.
ua-hawks
Don't apologize, I told you I'm here to listen.
I'm sorry you're having a rough day. Are you safe?
ua-monoma
... Yes.
Unfortunately...
I hate being like this.
... Can I ask you something...
ua-hawks
Of course..
ua-monoma
... I don't know how to say it... My thoughts arent straight
How do you... think of me?... I mean, do you think me immature... Am I misguided to you...
ua-hawks
Well.. yeah. You're a kid. Of course you're immature.
I'm still immature lol
ua-monoma
Mm...
... Ugh. I don't like that...
ua-hawks
I get it.
ua-monoma
...
Do you...
ua-hawks
Yeah.
I was the same way when I was 16 lol.
Just wanna be cool and helpful and shit.
ua-monoma
Oh...
... This isn't about being cool...
ua-hawks
Then what's it about?
ua-monoma
I don't know.
Being respected... or wanted. Or something like that.
Accepted, maybe...
ua-hawks
Yeah. Cool. Accepted. Wanted. All the same thing at that age really lol
ua-monoma
...
ua-hawks
just chill about it. You're not capable of being as helpful as you wanna be. You're still in school for a reason.
Your immaturity lead you to thinking you could infiltrate and sabotage the league on your own. What they did to you isn't your fault but...
Continuing to engage in that without telling anyone and thinking you could do it alone?
That showed your age more than anything.
ua-monoma
..,
Ugh.
ua-hawks
There's a reason those kind of infiltrations that you hear about are so carefully planned.
ua-monoma
Okay.
ua-hawks
Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear.
ua-monoma
It's... okay... It's not the first time...
I'll get used to it eventually.
... They made me feel wanted... I dunno...
ua-hawks
They manipulated you so they could use you. They knew you wanted to feel wanted.
ua-monoma
... I know...
I'm not stupid... I know so little of it was real...
I don't know. I didn't care.
ua-hawks
It felt good to be wanted. Yeah.
And you felt invincible cuz you knew what was happening.
ua-monoma
... Maybe...
It didn't hurt as much... I felt, I dunno... Like I was outsmarting them a little...
... Because I knew. I don't know.
ua-hawks
You weren't.
ua-monoma
...
I don't know why I did this to myself... and you said it's not my fault but it is... and I know it is... I'm so stupid...
And I'm never going to be able to stop... ugh...
ua-hawks
Youll be able to stop.
ua-hawks
You're just young...
ua-monoma
I don't feel young... Ugh.
I'm sorry.
ua-hawks
You've been through a lot.
It's alright.
ua-monoma
...
ua-hawks
You'll get better.
ua-monoma
...
ua-hawks
Okay?
ua-monoma
Okay.
...
Are you better...?
... When you were... younger... did you do the same thing I did... or try to...
ua-hawks
Yeah. Kind of.
Not as much as you.
Cuz of stuff that happened to me.
ua-monoma
Oh...
ua-hawks
Lol... yeah.
ua-monoma
...
ua-hawks
Not very pleasant memories..
ua-monoma
... I'm sorry... I won't ask about that again...
ua-hawks
It's okay. If what you need to hear is that you're not the only one I can tell you that...
ua-monoma
Mm... What I need to hear you can't tell me...
So I guess...
If this is just... a phase... I guess I just want to actually believe that's what it is... I dunno...
Still not thinking straight.. Donn't know if that makes sense...
ua-hawks
... :/..
It's trauma... you have to fix it...
ua-monoma
... trauma...
ua-hawks
Yeah.
ua-monoma
...
ua-hawks
Sucks... I know.
ua-monoma
It... does..
ua-hawks
Sorry...
ua-monoma
...
... Can I ask you something else?...
Or, tellyou something.. I dont know...
ua-hawks
Yeah, yeah...
ua-monoma
Did you ever...
... have people tell you that they love you...
Even if they're the ones.. hurting you... and they say that,, and I don't know
ua-hawks
Yeah.
Of course I did. Was told that a lot, really, lol
ua-monoma
...
In the League... it was said a lot, too...
...
ua-hawks
.. It got you to do a lot, didn't it...
ua-monoma
I don't know
ua-hawks
Did you ever hear them say it to each other?
ua-monoma
... ...?
I.. don't... I don't know...
...
God... haha.
ua-hawks
It's okay..
It's hard to recognize that kinda stuff.
ua-monoma
I'm so fucking stupid...
ua-hawks
You're not.
ua-monoma
I'm.. mm... I feel like I'm breaking... I hate this...
ua-hawks
Not gonna say you're perfect but... yeah... you got some shit to work through.
