Being a "recovered" persecutor will never not feel odd. I look at other persecutors in the system and feel so much sympathy towards them, yet I know that they feel no such thing towards me. I know that I've come so far, and I want them to do the same, but for now, they're either badly coping, traumatized, or, like I was, incorrectly protecting the system. I hope they choose to pursue healing one day, too. Even if for some it will take therapy or more extensive help to do so. One day. Hopefully.
So lately I’ve been trying to get into listening to more new music. I happened upon a song that really resonated with me as a former / now recovered persecutor, and I really think those in the same boat should give it a listen and see if it also resonates with them.
It’s called Innocent Party by Jetty Bones
Some of the lyrics/verses that stand out a lot to me under the cut (possible TW for implications of (c)sa under the cut as well)
“ I can't change the person I was before I met you
I can't change where I've been”
“ I wasn't always the person that I am now
But I worked so hard to get here
And all I want is for you to hear me out
Or am I singing to a crowd of new deaf ears?
I haven't always been quite this innocent
But I worked so hard to get here
Haven't always been quite this innocent
But I worked so hard to get here”
“The road to recovery was a long one
In case you want to know
I was reduced to nothing but my shell
While trying to find someone who would love the exterior
Well, I subsequently destroyed my inner self”
“He borrowed my body until my skin started rotting through my head
I woke up alone and these jutting bones were all that I had left
I was all that I had left
And I felt totally inept
I tried to use my body to connect”
the evolution of my self-perception over the course of a year…. this has been a HUGE part of recovery for me!
“i cant look like my body, i have to look ‘perfect’ and have zero identifiably jewish features” —> “its ok if i look like my body but only how i looked before i transitioned” —> “there is nothing wrong with my current body and i like living in it because it is mine!”
i wouldnt say that i have a separate “internal appearance” at all at this point, i just dont think of myself as “looking different” or having a separate form from my own body at all. i just live here! ofc i still have my personal style and wishes but i no longer divorce my concept of self from my body. i also finally finally feel my own real age, no longer permanently “stuck” at the age i was abused
