Aug 3
Orange apparently thought they were doing such a good job at masking but one of our school friends just said something along the lines of 'lol you're acting so childish today haha' sooo yeah Orange you gotta step up your game
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Orange apparently thought they were doing such a good job at masking but one of our school friends just said something along the lines of 'lol you're acting so childish today haha' sooo yeah Orange you gotta step up your game
washing our hair the other night and asked 'did we have dessert?' and lilac answered and was like 'no I don't think we did' meanwhile orange YELLS 'gasp DESSERT???' yeah little guy we can have dessert after we wash our hair let's just cool the jets a bit
Plural yuri this, plural yuri that... I don't even like these freaks. They live in my house and keep using my toothbrush and make me say weird things. Go away.
Hmm... Asuka is a lot more like Emily. That need to prove she's worth something by being exceptionally good at something, that's all Emily. I don't feel that need. I mostly feel... anger, frustration, disgust. Over my lot in life, over humanity, over the state of our world. I don't need to prove I'm worth something, because nobody is worth anything. Something like that.
I was forced to front during a stream recently.... and it wasn't like Wanderstop where the atmosphere was at least accommodating to my personality... I felt totally out of my element... I wonder if people noticed... They probably did....
heh. you're thinking of the others, I'm afraid. they're the go-getters. Emily gets antsy if she's not progressing towards something, and Roxie is all impulse. compared to them, I'm sort of notorious for spinning my wheels and getting nowhere... not believing things can change... sitting in one place, just steaming... ugh. describing it like that sounds pathetic... I keep benefitting from their effort, but not changing at all... I don't know how to be anything other than what I am, though... the thistle...
... I think.... well, I can't really speculate on the others, but. This urge I have, to keep us humble, keep us on the straight and narrow... It's not a natural thing, is it. That's a learned response. That's trauma... I'm trauma... I guess something like me doesn't *happen* without trauma...
I don't know what I'm so afraid of... It feels like if I don't keep the others in line, something terrible will happen. We'll get too full of ourselves and... I don't know. People will resent us, and we'll be punished for it? Or we'll grow overconfident and accidentally hurt someone? Or hurt ourselves?... The others are so... driven. It scares me. It feels like I need to hold them back as much as possible, or they'll explode and run wild...
... So often, I think these things, and... there's really no difference between the things I think and the things our father used to tell me. Or any other number of people who hurt us over the years. Don't get carried away, don't be weird, don't be a burden. Don't trust, don't be too confident, don't impose. Hate yourself, hate yourself, hate yourself, because you should, because you deserve it...
These are things I tell the others, too. Like it's normal. Like a mantra. They'll be having a good time, and I'll feel the need to cut in before things get out of hand. Don't forget: we shouldn't like ourselves too much... I didn't mind that as long as I was just hating myself, like I'm supposed to. But now it's different... Hating them... they don't deserve that... I feel bad about it. But that doesn't even make sense? We're the same person. And this is my role, right? So why would I feel bad about it now?...