#referanceblej

[cookie-monster0-o]

E... you scold me for not waking you up...?? Wait.. is this like how you didn't wake me up until it was time to leave? Except I'm not mad at you for it because I know it's not Your responsibility but my own!! Argh.

Then go curse up a storm in the other room because I didn't hear you say something... I think it was asking to borrow my phone

And then to humiliate me in front of your friend, chiding me for not hearing J ask for his bobo last night (??) and so you had to get it for him yourself, and you "just wanted to tell me so I realize how much I'm missing"!! 🙃 thanks!!! I //appreciate// you telling me how much I am Not Doing as I shuffle around the kitchen, pouring tea for your friend and scooping my homemade cinnamon banana oatmeal that I made for him to eat into a bowl all while I am holding a 3 year old bundled in a blanket who just woke up, and putting the pot into the empty sink next to the drainer, full of all the dishes I Just washed that morning after running J out to school and miraculously getting him there on time while we woke up at the time we should have left the house, because I slept through my alarm because I was up with the 3 year old for two hours who was whimpering and fussing and crying unless I held him, fed him and sat with him resting on top of my chest at like 1 in the morning. So SORRY I'm not doing ENOUGH for you, bastard-man. SORRY I didn't fucking wake you and charge your phone and hold your hair back while you vomited this morning. Sorry I didn't wipe your fucking ass too. 🙄 😡

Fuck you and all your attitude. Don't belittle me in front of your friend. Don't fucking brush me off and demand more of me. I'm doing the best I fucking can with my head above water. Go fuck off.

[cookie-monster0-o]

That neverending feeling that no one in this house cares about me.

[cookie-monster0-o]

Sunday, 2 days ago. I told him his mom had asked me to pick her and her husband up at the airport Tuesday night. He had replied "Oh yeah? And did she arrange for a babysitter too?" I told him the flight is at 11 pm, her and I assumed he would be home and would watch the kids, as they'd be asleep. He said he might, but he might be playing horseshoes- Tuesdays are shoe days.

[cookie-monster0-o]

[cookie-monster0-o]

I left a huge pile of dishes next to the sink in the kitchen. I was too tired to wash them last night, I planned to wash them this morning. This morning E's parents yelled at him for it. So E has decided we can't use the kitchen gor a week.

[cookie-monster0-o]

I had a dream I barely remembered, but I was on the bed with the kids, and it was light- either it was daytime, or E flicked on the lights like he's done on occasion- and he was standing on the bed. The kids and I were laying down, they might have been asleep. And Eric took a big vacuum and lifted it up, over his head, and smashed it down on top of me. I had raised my arm up to block it and watched the kids, to see that they were still asleep. I woke up a little afraid but E's still in a good mood.

[cookie-monster0-o]

If I go to mom's... I can make sandwich bread.

[cookie-monster0-o]

Sometimes, it really sucks, not because it can feel lonely. Sometimes it just really sucks because I love my children SO MUCH, and I just really wish that someone else was as much in love with these kids as I am. That's why I'm feeling sad about the reality of Eric today.