#reflectedmoonlight

[stargazerinmoksha]

And aren’t you beautiful while you’re looking down at me from above— I’ve been absent, and you’ve noticed my absence. I’ve been doing fine, life is quite short and the story doesn’t end here. I know certain things to be true, but keep that gaze of yours as high as high can get. If the moon should fall, let the moonlight spill and splash onto your lips, for words I cannot write will always belong to things I’ve kept close. And I’d secrets are meant to be whispered, I’ve been writing down all of my flaws in hope that you do understand, my heart is strong and it’s beating and I am alive. I am alive.

[stargazerinmoksha]

“I saw you peeking through the sky the other day and it made me wonder if you were doing okay. I don’t know if it’s real or not, but I do have hope that it was. Life truly is short… we’re here and then we’re not… I can only ask the sun to shine when it’s ready, I can only ask the moon to pull the sea when it’s ready for us to take a sip. Sometimes we’re not okay and that’s okay. The comforts of life, the little things… worlds apart… we still found a way to shine, just like moonlight slipping through clouds and finding its way into my eyes. Star-shine soul with stardust in your veins— if you took us home, if you knew the whole story, if you saw us with all of our glory, please remind us that going out in a bursting and fiery way is as good as living a calm and peaceful life. Sometimes we need both, balance has always been needed. To our needs and wants— if this is what we are, let it be something we’ll always look forward to. Because home is where we believe it to be, and if belief is enough to keep the heart alive, I’ll wager it’s time to smile a little bit more. Because one bad day doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world, it’s just a means for you to begin again. To begin anew. The game is afoot. The plot thickens, ever so slowly, the gestures of glowing and growing into who you should be seems like a good place to start. So start there.”

—don’t go setting yourself on fire, unless you’re running through the rain, balance is everything

[stargazerinmoksha]

Enjoy your weekend and I hope you are all loved tonight, I haven’t forgotten about you— I’ve seen you for far too many nights and the other night you were so beautiful. I wanted to pull you down from the sky and ask you why, you always shines brightest when I wasn’t okay, but maybe it’s like that for a reason. Maybe that’s how it should always be, I love you

[stargazerinmoksha]

[stargazerinmoksha]

i have picked apart my worst nights and aligned them with sight. sometimes i don’t understand something and it frustrates me. i know that my heart sleeps away a lot of the numbness. a moonlit walk, how have you been? all of my empty letters sent to no one, do you still read? i don’t know why i’m still writing this. i know that you barely knew me, and i barely knew you. you shouldn’t believe everything online, i learned that the hard way. call me a hopeless romantic. some sort of self-righteous belief that everything i do or don’t do will always come back to haunt me. it has crossed my mind that you aren’t real. that someone is messing with me. sometimes words are just words, but if madness and love danced upon the same tiny dotted line— i’d still sign my heart away. in hopes that it was real and my words do heal. somewhere, you’re reading this. somewhere, in some form, you’re getting this. somewhere, in some reality— these words are helping you rest easier. i think the truth is we’re all afraid. that we aren’t who we think we are. what if everything you ever knew wasn’t as it seems? squeeze my heart together and let it drip into a cup, poetry from my honesty looks best when read at night. i can only let my words be as they are. you are real to me. very real. everything. down to our short-lived interactions, the sad truth is somewhere inside of my soul, i wish i would’ve asked for your name. my nameless reflection of the moon, i will keep you forever sealed inside of my memories as a sweet dream. and if i was ever given the chance, i would’ve loved to read these words to you. because there’s nothing sweeter than falling to sleep to something real and meaningful. it really doesn’t matter to me honestly. i’ll still write when you breach the skies with your flowers. moonlight stained grin, full of mystery. maybe i am a hopeless romantic after all— i’ve always loved impossibly, might as well be something misunderstood because no one will truly understand you unless you’ve given it your all. so this is just a whisper in hopes that you know, deep down, your wishes are heard and well-received. because what’s life without a little mystery, a dash of inevitability, a spark of fate, an entanglement with wonderment and stardom, a dance with see-through hearts can last forever. sometimes, somewhere— i pray for your smile. as always, and yours truly. i love you, my dear stranger, you really are a strange memory of reflected moonlight.

—11/10/21

[stargazerinmoksha]

there’s an emptiness to my days and i can’t really put my finger on it, but i guess i’m just trying to gain some sort of balance. what happens to a cloud when it’s all out of rain? what happens to the sun when it’s all out of energy? what happens to a human when it’s all out of life, but he’s still alive? are you still alive even if you’re out of life? a means to an end, we keep on pushing, we keep on breathing, we keep on living. i don’t want to be defined by my mundane routines, i don’t want to be another gear inside of the system like another piece of evidence that fear will paralyze us— crippled with anxieties and worries, no i don’t want to live like that. there has to be more. there is more. i have to keep on believing. sometimes pushing ourselves and moving forward is all that we can do. i believe in that one simple truth. isn’t that enough? and if i’m somehow out of life, i’ll find a way to pump that back into myself. i’ll find a way to breathe life back into myself. we just have to keep moving. survival mode can be instinctive of us, but we will find a way to smile through the pain. through it all, we found a way.

—a way to smile

[stargazerinmoksha]

it was really nice to hear from you. i’m sorry i don’t text as much. i really do miss you. i haven’t really been up to much, i don’t even write that much anymore. but it’s always the first thing i do when i’m alone. when i’m really feeling alone. i write like how i am right now. i don’t feel bad or anything, i guess i’m just passing the time? let’s start over. are you doing okay? how has work been? i’m glad that your mom is feeling okay. i’m glad that your brother is too. i’m sorry i got kinda quiet towards the end of the call, it was still very nice. to have some silence with you, silence says a lot, you know? that’s okay too. there’s always a little bit of sadness in between all of the smiling and laughter, darling i hear it too. there’s far too many hours in a day for us to waste, i’m glad i’m spending some of it to write about you. i never really forgot about you. and no, i’m not too busy to write to you. do you think sometimes we just make excuses instead of just saying it slipped my mind? sometimes it feels like i’m just here and then one day i probably won’t be here anymore. fragmented memories of happier days, more simple and lighter days. the rain often reminds me of you. backseat cruises, no driver. a left turn into the middle of nowhere, just us lost in the middle of a city that's wide awake. adventurers unite, for my heart, i'd put up fight, roses are red, violets are blue. my anxieties and fears keep me up thinking of you— but for what it's worth, i really do want you to be happy. i really do want you to be safe. to wake up with love on your smile, to start your day with happiness and end it with gentle thoughts— you are profound and lovely. i never want you to forget that. i never want you to be afraid of your own reflection, of your own shadow, of your own light. you are brilliant. all of your radiance, all of your thoughts surrendered to the sun and sent to the moon. i love you sounds so far away, doesn’t it? don’t let it get to you. i love you when you can’t sleep because you’re afraid that you said the wrong thing again. i love you when you’ve spent your whole entire life choosing wrong and beat yourself for finally standing up for yourself as if you’re trained to pick everyone else up first— you are important. i love you when you feel alone and can’t get them out of your head. i love you when you feel down and nothing feels right. i love you when you’re hurting and it’s not healing fast enough. i love you when you’re happy, but still feel a little bit sad when i rains and you can’t go outside. i love you when you’re not all there, autopilot and restless— i love you when you use your right leg to rock yourself to sleep because your thoughts don’t know how to shut itself off, vibrations and solar energy sent from your brain with nowhere to go, sent down to your toes. all of your off the wall and silent quirks, dear darling, darling dear— i sound like i’m praising you, but i’m so proud of you for being alive for this fucking long. you have my heart, you have all of the time i laughed with you, from morning to nightfall, one day as the flesh and flush leaves my smile, and we’re just souls floating in this infinite outer space, you can love me there, you can find me up there, the last star to the left with all of my fury and glory, you’re just two left turns away from meeting the love of your life and i’m just two blinks away from a full moon— yes, i miss you too. i’m sorry i don’t write to you as much anymore, thank you for keeping me safe all of those nights you watched me walk home from work. you kept all of the ghouls, ghosts and vampires afraid, for there is a light deep inside of my depression that keeps me alive. you are my shining armor and i wear you proudly. for my heart beats and i remember how to breathe— you are a beautiful part of my integrity. you are a valuable part of my existence. you were integral in my healing. i had to learn how to love you wrong to know how to love at all and that still hurts me. to this day, i still find it hard to let go of you, i don’t think i ever can.

—writing it out (part 20)

[stargazerinmoksha]