I'm having 'Am I a Real Goth' thoughts.
I'm not exaxtly into traditionally goth music. I like some songs in the genre. I've got two issues: I cannot stand certian sounds, and breathy vocals just so happens to be one of them. Lotta the goth music I've been sent has that. I also have to be very careful about the music I listen to because of my mental health issues. No one I know can screen stuff for me. Plus. Getting into new music can be overwhelming/stressful for me.
I do feel like I listen to music that is at LEAST Goth Adjacent. Ghost Love Score by Nightwish, The Reckoning by Within Temptation, and Aching to Live by the Spiritual Machines. I very much enjoy things like Two Steps from Hell. Orchestral based, with rock/metal/goth influence and vocals being optional.
I've heard from older goths that you have to like goth music to be goth. So I guess thats my bigger issue. I feel like the connection is deeper.
Goth is rebellion. Goth is embracing yourself. Goth is being unapologetically yourself and not caring about what other people think.
I enjoy or embrace the macabre. Don't get that confused with horror novels and movies. I cant watch or read that, but can appreciate the mediums from an analysis and visual effects point of view. What I mean is, I am fascinated by decay and bones. Decay is an extant form of life, and it also gives life. After death, the earth reclaims the body, and breathes new life into the world. Thats beautiful. I love anatomy. How every skeleton is so perfectly (or messily) formed to complete certain tasks. I'm also an artist, so I can see how all parts, in so many layers work together to make a being function the way it does. I collect bones and feathers. Mostly from garage sales.
I love stories. Folktales, ghost stories, monster sightings, legends, mythologies, and even religion. Its a window into the past. How people view and interact with the world is shaped by and shapes these things. Its fascinating.
I listen to stories of tragic events. I want to learn about these histories, because I believe remembering is a way to honor the dead. I would like to go to lesser known memorials and gravesites, so I can leave an offering for the dead, and pray that they find peace. To let them know they matter.
I feel a deep connection to the night. The moon, the stars, planets and galaxies. Auroras burning across the sky. And being so small in the vastness of the universe. But still being here. In this moment. Being wholely myself, being the only person experiencing my life. And I believe loved by a Creator. (Its okay if thats not your thing.) I use Tarot cards to connect to how I'm feeling. Sometimes I use them to ask the Creator a question. I pray. I meditate. I believe in magic, angels, demons, ghosts and beyond. I make my own rituals.
Yes. My overall aesteric is dark. Halloween is my favorite time of year. I have a raven mask I use as a decortation. If I had infinate money my house would look witchy, celestial, and dark elvan. Nooks and cranies. Lots of pillows in dark blues and purples. Star dusted dressers. Too many fake candles cuz I'm terrified of accidentally starting a fire. Tapestries and blankers with celestial mandalas on them. I like dark colors. I enjoy doing my makeup in a dark fey elf celestrial sorta way and geek out over bat shaped perses. Or combat boots. Or a shirt with moon phases on it. I've started diving into clothing alteration and embroidery because ehat I like costs $300 (someday I will give creators money cuz their work is epic. And I loove it.) I wear fake horns for fun. I cant do my makeup, dark clothing, and jewelry everyday because my mental disabilities are exhausting. I cant always get the energy to put on makeup. Let alone take it off. Sometimes I cant deal with the texture. Or the tightness of pants. I also cant afford much right now.
Sometimes it feels like not looking goth 100% of the time is inauthentic. That there's some sort of imaginary barrior I'm putting up for myself. That I'm not enough. And its hard for me say 'being goth isnt just about music or aesthetics.' Cuz I wasnt there in the begining. I dont like gatekeeping. And yet. I do it to myself.