An open letter to my James
James, I know you had said you would save me. I know I had asked you to save me, but if I’m being truthful, I never expected you to. When we had that talk, I was already hanging off the edge you were trying so hard to pull me up from, there was honestly nothing you could have done to keep me from falling. The last couple of years we had together before I broke things off, were the best years of my life. You gave me a reason to fight for as long as I did, a reason to look for a way out long after you had disappeared from my life.
I don’t know if you knew, but you were the reason I lived so long. Without you, I would have never spoken to Sirius again, I would have never made my way back to you after I was able to leave the Death Eaters. You did so much for me, I can’t even put it into words.
When I did see you again, years after school and after you finally got with Lily, I know things were hard for you. The last thing you ever expected was to see me again and then I just show up at your doorstep in the middle of the night with no explanation. God things had never been so awkward between us than those few months I spent staying with you. But surprisingly, I felt at home for a good part of the time I spent there. I actually talked to Lily, something that was surely a bit nerve-wracking for you. But she was amazingly sweet and understanding, I can see why you had loved her so much. And Harry. He was so little when I met him but god I knew the second I saw him I would give anything for him to stay safe.
I remember years ago, when we were still in school together, I had promised you that as long as I lived nothing would hurt you. And I know I promised Harry the same thing. I hate myself for leaving, because maybe, just fucking maybe if I hadn’t, nothing would have happened to you. I left, thinking I was doing something right for once in my life, and I die, then you and Lily die. I couldn’t even bring myself to tell you goodbye to your face, I had to write you a stupid letter before leaving. And I never got to see you again. I’m sorry James.
Regulus