I’m back into my routine of attending my AA meeting. I drove out to Tay Ho this evening. I feel so out of place. I hear people speak so positive about sobriety and I feel like I’m the only one really struggling. My whole life has been turned upside down . I want to get rid of the shame I feel for being transgender. I hate society did that to me. I should not feel shame. I’m sick of people acting like I have a disease I need sympathy for. Being told how lucky I am to have people in my life with my “condition”. What condition. I want to feel pride, but I keep getting knocked down. I’m proud of who I am. How many people could go against the majority , be ridiculed but at least be honest with who they are. I came out in a Veterans hospital. The ultimate place of toxic male machoism. Toxic male behavior. Even some females. I thought other minorities understood we where both fighting the same fight, but I was excluded by some . They complained about racism while being extremely transphobic towards me. Part of the struggle and turmoil is what keeps me sober. The fire of war and military culture forever changed me. I am not content with a simple boring life. I need that Chaos, that struggle, the fight. If I can’t be a warrior on the battlefield I will pick up the fight for equality in the LGBTQIA PLUS community. I am addicted to a life of uncertainty. I am so confused, so happy and so depressed. I feel such pain. I miss my children and the opportunity taken from me to be with them growing up, then to rub salt in the wound they believe it was my choice. All my exes have played the crazy veteran card keeping me from them at one point or another. Then other times my addiction took over and it was completely my fault. This eats away at me every day. Every day I’m reminded of the children I’ve outlived, my friends I lost on the battlefield or to suicide or addiction back home. I still have the mentality of immortality. That I could never overdose if I relapsed. That I will survive anything. This is so dangerous. I don’t know how to change my ways. At the same time I question if I’m an extreme narcissist or have a healthy love of myself. My mother gave me such low self esteem. I can see I was handsome but I had such a negative body image . I was made to feel stupid. I now realize I’m far more intelligent than most. Now I absolutely love my body image as a woman. I’m so upset I missed out on the best years of my life, but better late than never, right? We go on TV in HCMC in 10 days. I don’t know what to expect. #travel #traveling #travelvietnam #hanoi #vietnam #vietnananese #tayhotrish #lgbtqtravel #lgbtqtraveler #transveteran #queer #tayhotrish #transgender #lgbtqtravelers #lgbtqpride #transpride #lgbttravel #transgendertravel #lgbtqtravel #transgenderexpat #transgenderinvietnam #livinginvietnam #mystory
