Came across a card while sorting out some boxes in the room which was such a punch to the gut. The card was from an ex, an ex who I would have said was endgame at the time and was him saying how he couldn't put into words how much he loved me. He blamed it on his "scientific mind" and how no words could ever really describe how he felt. Love was such a hard concept for him to understand and put into words because no words conveyed just how he felt about me, us. It may be one of the most romantic things ever given to me (let's not talk about the fact I have, in all actuality, had very little grand gestures, let alone romantic ones in my life).
It got me to thinking how I just seem to attract emotionally stunted/unavailable men (and I do include my husband in that) and I find that quite sad when I reflect on it. I don't know why finding someone who can actually just say how they feel about me (without being forced to) is so difficult. Is it a fear of consequence? If you say it out loud, does that make it real and you have to deal with it? Am I just not the person to deserve it? Am I too much? Do people think I should just know and they don't need to tell me?
I want to be told at least once in my life, passionately, how much I mean to someone. No fear of consequence, just tell me (and we'll deal with the consequences later, if there are any).
I have no idea why I keep coming across things at the minute which are triggering strong thoughts and reactions in me. It's like I need to be reminded of who I am if that makes sense, what I want and what I need.
(Consider our friendship over btw if this ever makes it back to my husband. This is my safe space to scream into the void of my ridiculous thoughts).
