“When one person is missing the whole world seems empty” – Pat Schweibert
In two weeks, it will be your birthday. This will be the third year of your birthday without you. And whenever your birthday rolls by, it reminds me of when Ju and I made that trip to Miri to surprise you. That was probably the most memorable time of my life because that was the first time I made you happy cry, and I won't forget the way you held me in your arms.
And since the day you went home to the Lord, I... have not been as controlled as I think I am. All I know, I can feel myself getting angry at the littlest thing; I can feel the violence within me resurfacing since you held my blood-stained hands, telling me to calm down. You stopped me from hurting myself and others. Yet, you brought all my darkest secrets to your final resting place. Since you've gone, I have no one else to talk about that dark place inside my head. I want to talk to Ju about it, but she is the most innocent (despite her weird fantasies) between the three of us. I don't think I want her to know that dark place inside my head. And I am at the point where I don't think I am strong enough I can hold it in any longer.
My Mum keeps telling me to let go, but... I hate to admit that I can't because you were ALWAYS there holding a torch up whenever I loom within that darkness. You were ALWAYS there saying, I am by your side, Ja. You don't have to tell me anything until you are ready and waited by me patiently until I could talk. Tell me, Serena, how can I let go of what kept my sanity in check all those years?
You are my one person. You always had been. I miss you a lot. And it still hurts like Hell even after two years. And... I am tired of pretending to be okay when I am not. But don't worry, I will go when the time for me to go comes. That is and was my promise to you.
I will write again. I am sorry for writing only when dark clouds shadow over me. Just that you had that torch no one else has.
