… re that last post… eyyyy I search "robot girl" on my computer and I actually found the angsty scribbled notes from 2010 :D pls enjoy xD
I must have written this a few months into the most high-stress boyfriend-having experience Ever (probably not ever. other people have definitely had worse. The thing was — kinda like that comic, or even worse, I had so so wanted to get into this relationship, I had liked him so long after having been sure I didn't like anyone, and having turned him down when he asked me out like a week into our acquaintance because WTF who DOES that!!??! Anyway we got together and it just. Almost constant state of stress for me.)
So. I thought I'd write a short story about a girl who thought she was a girl but was actually a robot and couldn't feel real feelings like other people….. anyone else wanted to write that story? yeah?
I'm not entirely sure what the point of sharing this is—except, again, because it might be relatable and good to know you're not alone.
[And it might or might not be helpful to add that now, eight years later, although the person who wrote this is by no means unrecognisble to me, things have changed!! quite a lot!! I'm now in a relationship of two years with my wonderful girlfriend, and it's just. so different. so much better than I could have thought.]
presenting.... robot girl.rtf, May 2010
ok ok ok sooo yes I was thinking this through so carefully when I was in a less good mood BUT I still htink it's a neat premise for a short-long story....
A GIRL WHO'S ACTUALLY A ROBOT.
lol I know how original.
Anyway. No one knows (well, someone does, but no one around here.) She doesn't know. Audience/reader shouldn't get it for a while either (though it's gonna be the weirdest genre shift if you really have no clue..!) but there are clues...
anyway. no one knows, and it's staying a secret, until... well, basically it all comes to the surface when this girl is 20 or whatever and 'falls in love', or rather, doesn't quite manage it.
--- there was an accident when a girl was 15 or 16. Actually, she died. But a girl was taken home (this is just my way of getting around who is on this and the answer being Not Her Family... Alternatives is having them brain-wiped (not with current technology) or them be robots too (but then how far back does this go)....)
anyway this also explains some things.....
she's not human -- she has AI, she can learn.... but - at least this is what people theorize - there are limits to her development...
...and also / yes there were some limits almost artificially imposed or something that has to be unlearnt, because they recreated her with her mind at 15 which e.g. was Opposed to the idea of boyfriend etc. Thus..
She is not human --
here are ways you can see this...
whereas humans for all their pretensions at logic are basically IRrational, she is completely logical at base -- there are merely patterns of apparently irrationality programmed in, subroutines that can be run when socially appropriate etc. These are not perfectly convincing.
From her point of view... ways this comes out:
Reaction to a bad situation. Generally seems impossibly cheery to peers. Will occasionally have depressive patches/breakdowns. But taken together, these form and follow patterns... -- the programmed-in blips.
She will tell people, what is the point in brooding on this? it doesn't accomplish anything.
is there some concept of overloading...? she will "feel" to a certain degree and then switch off?
butyes.... yes yes a compass not a heart.
As to what happens, how it ends?
she finds out and he finds out -- through her or not?
And.... well! What happens! ? Does that explain why it is that it Cannot Work, or do they decide to make a go of it anyway, rewrite the code etc, can they?
... I kind of sigh at my past self, but if it wasn’t me I’d feel real sympathy for whoever this is, even if she’s being a bit overdramatic about it.
Anyway. If you're ace / aro or not, or not sure, or whatever, I want to add to ppl saying it's okay not to feel happy about your experiences all the time, or to pretend to rather, and that’s why I wanted to post this old thing! At the same time, writing a story is one thing, but getting too heavily into negative thinking like “there must be something wrong/not-human with me” isn’t super healthy. So, yes, you should be allowed to express when you’re feeling bad about yourself! but also have some ways to challenge the negative thinking...
[Through the years I have continued to occasionally be struck by the fact that I don't - always? seem to? have as high an interest in either sex or romance as other people. And that's okay. It is what it is! I always said that to myself, but.. I have to keep saying it and being more okay with it. So, some of this was related to the … misdirectedness of my early attempts, I guess, and I may still be realising or accepting my basic lesbianocity, but e.g. even now I'm not exactly vibing with the Sapphic Positivity "do you ever just… look at ALL GIRLS and be like WOW I'M GAY"!? type posts. I want to love and support in a general way all the women, and I can totally appreciate the Looks and such, but that doesn't necessarily quite sum me up and that's also okay and not something to get stressed about.
sdfhsdf ewww also yeah I copy and pasted this unedited and I AM SQUIRMING. I was. so stressed.
Especially at that last bit, wow. though of course I would want to say that, at the point I was at, that there was a possibility of robot girl making a go of it with this guy…..
Final note: I mean—this thing I wrote was a while ago and in a particular context, e.g. of religious and social surroundings, but as you can see I don't even… bring up the possibility of this totally admittedly a self-insert character actually being into women. THIS IS WHY I gotta say I'm rather skeptical if anyone suggests even ~nowadays~ that being gay or bi is presented to everyone as a completely plausible alternative to all young people. These contexts exist so it's, um, not.]
just saw a photo that reminded me of a time when i was pretty young & spent a lot of time with my sister & two really good friends adventuring around in arizona. now i barely talk to anyone & don't go to that city a quarter of as much as i use to. but damn, i forgot how many nice memories i have at that house with those people.
