#rep dcad

[li-izumi]

Deadpool Comic Appearance Details #348

Fear Itself: Deadpool #2 Written by: Christopher Hastings, Art by Bong Dazo and Joe Pimental 2011-07

HERO Deadpool in his Specter of Mass Destruction disguise gets Walrus to terrorize a town.

CHILDREN/HERO/DEADPOOL-IS-SMARTER-THAN-HE-LOOKS: [Deadpool]: Oh! Oh! This is PERFECT! Look, there are TOYS in the yard! Do you know what that means?! [Walrus]: This yard is fun? [Deadpool]: Children! You want to bring FEAR and CHAOS into a community, mess with the children. Haven't you seen that movie, "It"? Actually, the book is better. Read the book. [Walrus]: I don't' like books. They think they're SMARTER than me. [Deadpool]: Of course... Nevermind. [Deadpool]: All right, Chosen One, go to town. But remember! DON'T HURT THE KID. I think the Department of Justice has a special robot dedicated to hunting down people who hurt kids. [Walrus]: Really? [Yellow]: No, you psycho, just don't. [White]: They really should get on top of that robot, though.

But what they see when they enter the house is really, really unexpected (except if you read the current 2015- run of Deadpool)

[Yellow]: Wait, this is all... MERCHANDISE OF ME! [White]: UNAUTHORIZED merchandise. [Yellow]: Still!

Deadpool decides they shouldn't mess up that room. Walrus is annoyed at all these rules. Deadpool checks the next room

It's full of Cable merchandise.

CABLEPOOL: [Deadpool]: Sorry about that. THIS room's fine. Go nuts.

The Contractor-Plumbers are worried about the missing hammer. They tried to warn the town of the danger, but Deadpool and Walrus have taken out all the phone lines. Tomorrow night is the full moon... what are they going to do?!

The next morning, the town gathers at the Mayor's office to complain about the previous night's terrorizing and harassment. The Mayor's called in the militia, who corner Walrus and surround him at gunpoint.

HERO/CRAZY: [Yellow]: Goodbye, last of the Costco dynamite. You were good dynamite. You were sale dynamite. [White]: Or maybe, goodbye to those nice men with guns? [Yellow]: Oh, you can totally they they're jerks. The dynamite was much nicer.

Deadpool has buried the dynamite underground marked with a giant X. He tells Walrus that he has unlocked the potential of the hammer and to strike the symbol now. He does and the area around him explodes. The townsfolk are terrified. Deadpool-as-Specter declares that Walrus doesn't' need him anymore and disappears in a puff of smoke.

Meanwhile, at the Society for the Advancement of Lycanthropic Kind, a group of man-animals discuss the disappearing hammer.

Back in the town, while Walrus continues his destructive rampage, Deadpool rides in. Literally. On a horse.

BETRAYAL While the townsfolk urge him to hide as well, Deadpool offers his services as "a traveling walrus tamer". While one man recognizes his horse, another…

REP/CRAZY: [Fangirl]: OHMYGOD! DEADPOOL?! [Yellow]: The girl! From the room! [Fangirl]: Give this man whatever he wants. He is the best. He is going to save us from the Walrus Man. Give him WHATEVER HE WANTS. [Yellow]: Best fan ever? [White]: ONLY fan ever. [Mayor]: Mr. Deadpool. I appreciate your coming to help us, but we're just a small village. We can't offer you much in return. [Fangirl]: What about the town's cache of Confederate gold? He'd probably accept that! [Yellow]: BEST FAN EVER. [White]: Those plumbers DID know what was up.

HERO: [Deadpool]: I'll happily dispose of the Walrus AND your gold, yes! Do we have an agreement? [Mayor]: *sigh* You're our only hope, yes.

REP/CHILDREN: [Fangirl]: I can't believe I'm going to be saved by Deadpool! This is going to be so AWESOME! [Deadpool]: Well, I'll do my best! [Yellow]: Hee hee! What a SCAMP! [Fangirl]: You have to MURDER HIM! [Deadpool]: O-oh! Well, I'll do my b--

Deadpool is cut off as he's blasted off his horse.

REP/HEALING: [Walrus Man]: I was WONDERING when a SUPER HERO would finally up to challenge my MIGHT. [Deadpool, with difficulty]: Could you wait for just a second? I think you ruptured my intestines, and I'd like to give the ol' healing factor a sec to take care of this sudden sepsis I'm feeling. [Deadpool]: *GAASP* WOO! There we go! All better!

QUEER: [I'm so used to artists drawing the guys in spandex like Ken dolls that when one actually remembers to draw a bit more definition down there, it makes it look like Deadpool is starting to get a bit excited by his fight with Walrus.]

Meanwhile, our shooter from last episode informs his boss that the hunters survived the attack, but thankfully they don't have the hammer.

Deadpool has knocked Walrus into a pile of rubble.

HERO: [Deadpool]: You know, Hubert, you should THANK me. I didn't bring any of my weapons along for this, so theoretically you MIGHT stand a chance. I mean, don't get it twisted, that's not why I did it. I just figured these fine townsfolk are paying good money to get you out of here. They deserve a show! After all that damage you did, it'd be awfully anticlimactic for me to just shoot you and be done!

Deadpool pulls Walrus into the moonlight so they can finish their fight with enough light for their audience to see the fight. Unfortunately, once the light of the full moon hits the hammer, it's powers activate.

Walrus smashes Deadpool in the head. The wound is bleeding rather profusely for someone with a healing factor. The hammer is ringing as Walrus stands over the prone Deadpool.

The were-people, the Moon-born, will attack the town since the hunters don't have the hammer, and…

HEALING: [Were-dog guy]: Without the hammer's cursed RINGING, the moon-born's healing abilities will fend off ANY wound!"

[li-izumi]

Deadpool Comic Appearance Details #347

Fear Itself: Deadpool #1 Written by Christopher Hastings, Art by Bong Dazo and Joe Pimentel 2011-08

[The plot of this arc centers around HAMMERS. No, not THAT kind of Hammer, Deadpool]

So, we start our scene in a living room with Deadpool, a typical middle-class white couple, and a pair of construction type guys. Deadpool is apparently selling a home security system.

CRAZY/REP: [Deadpool]: THIS is a BAD guy. And he just broke into your house! Bu-- [Husband]: Do you typically carry a skull on you? [Deadpool]: Yes I do. [Yellow]: Skulls are cool. [Deadpool]: Skulls are cool. Now, as I was SAYING…

The sales pitch doesn't go very well when a powered-up Juggernaut plows through the building. The couple dismiss Deadpool as a fraud, and his contractors want to leave.

REFERENCE: [Deadpool]: YOU people, you always know where the money's hidden. [White]: Plumbers ALWAYS know. [Deadpool]: It's cool, man. Plumbers are cool. [Contractor]: We're not plumbers. [With one tall and thin guy and the other short and fat, in overalls, they kinda resemble Mario and Luigi, plumbers who do indeed always know where to find hidden coins]

The contractors leave. Depressed, Deadpool flops down onto the couple's chair and flips on their television, where he hears about the Fear Itself event plot.

While he decides he doesn't stand a chance against these powered-up guys, a shadowy figure pulls out a missile launcher and blows up the contractors in their truck as they're driving away.

HERO/CRAZY: [Deadpool]: Explosion! [White]: You love explosions! [Yellow]: I DO love explo--

Deadpool is smacked in the head with a sludge hammer.

HERO/CRAZY: [Yellow]: If "A-rated" villain plus "A-rated" hammer make "A++" unbeatable villain… then "F-Rated" hammer plus… [White]: You… concerned at all about those plumbers? [Yellow]: The what?

The mysterious figure reports that he "got them" and leaves the sight while the contractors pull themselves out of the wreckage and then run away with "it" (which they'll come back for later)

Meanwhile, at Deadpool's place…

QUEER: So we have a picture of a fit woman with Bea Arthur's head taped onto it, a conventionally attractive fit Asian man with a goatee. Beside him on the desk is a half eaten pizza, a naked Barbie, a 70$ laundry bill, a jarred frog, medications, and other assorted junk.

HEALING: Deadpool has a large bump on his head from where the sludge hammer hit him.

CLOTHES: Deadpool is wearing sport shorts and a sleeveless sports top: "Hic Beer 7". The pants are riding low and we see his ass crack.

Deadpool is checking out various villains and determines that Walrus is the right guy, the one Deadpool has deemed "worthy of this totally sweet hammer".

QUEER: Yes, Deadpool has totally bejeweled the sludge hammer.

Later, at a monster truck rally…

CRAZY: [Yellow]: Oh, I hope I'm right about this. [White]: Law enforcement hasn't found the Walrus in FIFTEEN years. YOU just want an excuse to see monster trucks.

Fortunately, luck is with Deadpool and he thinks he sees the guy who used to be Walrus acting a mechanic for the monster trucks. He seems like a timid guy, but he has actually rigged the monster trucks to explode and release a giant swarm of wasps. Walrus rips off his clothes to reveal his Walrus costume.

QUEER/CRAZY: [Yellow]: Oh, good. It looks like he's taking off his clothes. I'd better follow him. [White]: I know you're being sarcastic but you're not stopping either.

So Deadpool continues to follow Walrus, whose evil plan seems to be stealing 54$ out of the wallet of the driver whose truck just exploded with flaming bees. It is all around pretty pathetic.

[Yellow]: I don't even…

So Deadpool continues his spying, hang-gliding overhead as Walrus crosses a park.

CRAZY: [White]: Now, I know the dynamite was on sale… [Deadpool]: Yeah, I WIPED out that section of Costco. [White]: But I'm getting concerned. [Yellow]: We just got excited about EXPLOSIVES after seeing that van explode! [White]: You don't have to strap explosives to everything. [Yellow]: Explosives make it convincing!

It is the bejeweled hammer that Deadpool tosses down in front of Walrus.

The Walrus is thrilled to have a mystical hammer. Deadpool flies into a flock of ducks which mangle his glider and set off the rest of his dynamite.

CRAZY: [White]: You brought too much. [Yellow]: Shut up.

So Walrus takes the hammer back to his apartment and uses it to smash a few appliances. He doesn't feel any different and wonders if he needs to microwave it…

That's when Deadpool appears wearing a witch's hat, frown mask, and tattered robe.

HERO: [Deadpool]: I am the Specter of Mass Destruction. And you, Hubert Carpenter, have been chosen to be one of the bearers of a Hammer of Mass Destruction. [Walrus]: I'm sorry, Specter, I think there might have been a mistake. That hammer doesn't really do anything. [Deadpool]: Ah, but it SHALL! There is potential that needs to be unlocked, in both the hammer.. AND YOU!

So Deadpool as the Specter sends Walrus to the same location those plumber-contractors said their next job was at, since we all know that plumbers know where all the hidden gold is.

HERO: [Deadpool]: And then… They'll pay me handsomely to brutally beat your fat heiny out of town.

Meanwhile the plumber-contractors are back at the sight where their van was exploded, but they can't find the hammer. They don't understand where it could have gone, since it's powers should be undetectable at the moment. They must find it, or the people of the town will be slaughtered…

Dun dun dun!

[li-izumi]

Deadpool Comic Appearance Details #331

Deadpool Teamup #883 Guest Staring Galactus (and Silver Surfer) Written by Tom Peyer , Art by Jacob Chabot 2011-05

At a Cost-L grocery store, a store clerk is ringing up Deadpool's $2047.68 dollars' worth of groceries and weapons and other assorted items, including…

REP/QUEER: [Clerk, holding up some DVDs]: Oh my god! You're sick, you know that? [Deadpool]: "Love Actually" has a great cast. Don’t judge me.

Unfortunately, his credit card is declined.

REP/HERO: [Clerk]: Like, you're broke. It also said something about criminally overdrawn, how the cops are coming and stuff. [Deadpool]: Hold on! I think I've thought of a way we can solve this issue like professionals. [He runs away with his pile of stuff without paying for it.]

So back at Deadpool's apartment…

He checks his bank account and he is indeed very overdrawn, having spent some 2,000$ on ammo, another 786.12 on guns, and 25,896.92$ guinea pigs for a grand total of 312,891.02$ in the whole.

All of which means that he is solidly broke, and that means he needs a job, and that means cold-calling.

REP: [Magneto]: I wish I could help, but I'm on the X-Men now and we're having money troubles of our own. [Red Skull]: No, I'm killing everyone just fine on my own. [Kingpin]: Yes, I am very happy with my current assignation provider. [Mephisto]: How did you get this number?] [Dr. Doom]: You aren't powerful enough to kill for me. [Doc. Octopus]: No, thanks. [Apocalypse]: I will destroy you all! [Iron Man]: You do know I'm a good guy, right? [Deadpool]: Oh, sorry, wrong number.

Later…

SPIDEYPOOL: Deadpool is feeling too sorry for himself to notice his favorite hero fighting the Green Goblin outside his window.

CLOTHES: Deadpool is in a robe, sweatpants, bunny slippers, and his mask.

Deadpool is looking through help wanted ads and not finding anything.

FOURTH-WALL: [Deadpool]: Serve at Ed Debevics? No. Manager of a children's shoe store? No. Assistant editor at Marvel Comics? Um…. NO.

He turns away from the exotic dancer ad as well (though he'd be very good at it, and we've seen his pole dancing ability, but to be fair, the job is for Mojo). However, he does find this ad:

Herald wanted: Are you willing to work long hours for great rewards? Do you want power that reaches far past that of which you can imagine? Full-time position Is available for a hard-working individual. To apply simply say HERALD aloud and you will be contacted for an interview.

So when Deadpool wonders out loud what a Herald is, he is teleported up through his roof into space via a red beam of light until he is in front of Galactus.

REP: [Galactus]: You do not look as a herald should. [Deadpool]: What, this? Robes are very freeing. You should try one sometime.

Galactus explains the his herald prepares planets for his arrival.

HERO: [Deadpool]: Arrive for what. [Galactus]: To devour. [Deadpool]: Eat? [Galactus]: Yes. [Deadpool]: The whole planet? [Galactus]: Yes. [Deadpool]: That's pretty gangster. [Galactus]: Yes. [Deadpool]: When can I start?

And so Galactus grants Deadpool the Power Cosmic. The process apparently involves stripping him naked. I'm approve of this.

Deadpool becomes the new Herald on a dragster style surf board.

CLOTHES: His Power Cosmic form includes his standard Deadpool uniform.

HERO: And so, as The Herald for Galactus, Deadpool leads the way as Galactus devours entire worlds. Deadpool delights in his Powers Cosmic, disregarding the fact that billions are dying.

Unfortunately while Deadpool is having a grand ol' time, Galactus is realizing that he has made a very big mistake.

REP: [Galactus]: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Leave now or I will end you. [Deadpool]: Yeah, ummm… This is probably a bad time to ask about getting an advance on my first paycheck isn't it? [Galactus' eyes narrow] [Deadpool]: You're right, backing off now. I'll just talk to human resources tomorrow.

Deadpool flies through space on his "surf board" when he's hit by the Power Cosmic of the Silver Surfer.

REP/HERO: [Silver Surfer]: You have caused enough suffering today, Herald. I'm afraid I cannot let you continue. [Deadpool]: You're not the only one with the power now, Surfer. [Silver Surfer]: You're like a child and don't know what you're playing at. But I'm about to show you. [Deadpool]: Do you think I'm afraid of a Christmas ornament on a surf-board. Also, it's a %$#&@ surf-board!!

The fight, their powers nearly leveling a city on the planet below them.

HERO: [Silver Surfer]: I do regret what has transpired here tonight. I take no joy in ending the life of any being. [Deadpool]: That's too bad. I'm going to take all kinds of joy in ending yours.

HERO: Deadpool calls down a sun-sized ball of Power Cosmic fiery doom burning the planet surface.

REP: [Silver Surfer]: I did not expect this.

He uses his own powers to try to keep the ball of Power Cosmic doom from completely hitting the world.

REP: [Silver Surfer]: Impressive, Herald. But not enough.

The Silver Surfer throws the power back at Deadpool.

REP: [Silver Surfer]: I have much more left you would like to continue this confrontation but I assure you, I will prevail in the end. [Deadpool]: Nope, I'm resigning. Freelance is where it's at anyway.

LOOKS: Deadpool isn't scarred up, though it's possible it's due to the influence of his Power Cosmic.

REP: [Deadpool]: You think I could keep the board though? [Silver Surfer gives him a look] [Deadpool]: Okay, okay, no board.

3 months later…

Deadpool joins a H.O.G. (Heralds of Galactus) Anonymous meeting for his 90 days clean.

And so Deadpool Team-Up ends.

[li-izumi]

Deadpool Comic Appearance Details #328

Deadpool #33.1 Written by Daniel Way, art by Bong Dazo & Joe Pimental 2011-05

Deadpool and the yellow and white box do a recap page, explaining who Deadpool is, and the fact that they're interrupting the normal story with Deadpool in space to go back to a "point one" issue back on earth…

On to the story…

Deadpool is meeting with a pair of middle aged men in a swanky office. Deadpool is petting a cat. It's adorable.

REP: [Deadpool]: You do know who I am, right? [Man]: Of course. You're Deadpool. [Deadpool]: Go on… [Man]: You're a master of both ARMED and UNARMED combat. [Deadpool]: True dat… [Man]: You're a by-product of a government-sponsored bio weapons program gone horribly wrong. [Deadpool]: That's debatable, but, by all means, proceed… [Man]: Your body is able to regenerate at an INCREDIBLE RATE, making you essentially UNKILLABLE. [Deadpool]: Though many have tried… [Man]: You're a trash-talking mercenary of world renown who suffers from VIOLENT HALLUCINATIONS and delusions fo grandeur. [Deadpool]: Getting a little personal, might wanna back off.. [Man]: You've gone toe-to-toe with almost EVERY SUPERHUMAN KNOWN and in MOST cases, you've gotten the best of them. [Deadpool]: Which is why you wanna hire me… to EVICT someone from your building?!

They do indeed, but not just "someone" but Dirk Garthwaite, The Wrecker!

Deadpool considers the amount they're willing to wire from their offshore account for him to complete the job and agrees to take the job.

So Deadpool goes to The Wrecker's apartment to ask him to leave. Deadpool still has the cat with him. It's still super adorable.

Unfortunately, just telling The Wrecker that the building owners want him gone isn't going to be enough…

The next day…

HEALING: Deadpool's costume is torn up, his leg is in a cast, and his mask is twisted over his head. He visibly heals throughout the scene, though he still needs the crutch as he leaves the office.

Deadpool proclaims to the building owners that he's going to need a LOT more money for their gig, despite their deal.

REP/HERO: [Man]: Deadpool, if you won't or CAN'T deliver on our previous agreement-- [Deadpool]: You'll do WHAT? [A half beat] [Deadpool]: That's what I thought.

Deadpool goes on to explain that he's investigated their little situation. The building owners have a prospective buyer, but that deal won't go anywhere with a super-powered criminal as a current tenant, The Wrecker will "level that place before leaving", and the owners under-insured the place, so they can't afford to let the place get destroyed in getting The Wrecker out.

REP/HERO: [Man]: You're leveraging us into an impossible situation. [Deadpool]: Yeah, that's kinda my thing. And speaking of leverage, I also found out that you guys are mortgaged to the hilt on two OTHER properties AND that you're behind on the payments. If this sale doesn't go through… well, once again, you're SCREWED. [Man]: You're a BASTARD. [Deadpool]: THAT'S kinda my thing too. The new price is TRIPLE the old price. And I want it up front. You already have my account number.

Back at his place, Deadpool looks through a mess of equipment while he waits for the payment to be sent.

(Gratuitous butt shot, but the pants are too baggy. Where's Paco's art when you need it?)

CRAZY: [Yellow]: Really think they'll go for it? [Deadpool]: I dunno, YOU tell ME. You're my brain… [White]: That doesn't make any sense. [Deadpool]: That's YOUR fault. Where's that--? [He finds the chain saw he was looking for and the money has been sent to his account] [Deadpool]: I'm a genius! [White]: Uh, don't you mean "WE'RE a genius"? [Yellow]: Yeah! [Deadpool]: Nope! [Yellow]: Why?! [Deadpool]: Because you're letting me do this! [He uses the chainsaw to open remove the cast on his leg]

Deadpool then calls The Wrecker.

REP: [Deadpool]: Guess what? My leg's all better. [The Wrecker]: So? [Deadpool]: So guess what I'm gonna DO with it? [The Wrecker]: Kick my ass? [Deadpool]: Damn skippy!

They have a huge, explosive fight

REP: [Newscaster]: --Cordoning off four square blocks on the lower east side as two super-criminals known as the Wrecker and Deadpool-- [Deadpool]: I'm not a criminal!

The building owners are watching the news report. They're not thrilled with the destructive battle, but thankful at least that it's outside and not in their building. Until the fight goes into their building.

In the building…

Deadpool slinks away to recover from some rather staggering injuries.

CRAZY/HEALING: [Yellow]: This guy is, uh… [White]: A total @%#&#@ bad-ass? [Yellow]: Yeah. [White]: Arm's broken in two places, and that thing stabbing us in the lung is probably… [Deadpool hukks up blood through his mask] [White]: DEFINITELY a broken rib. [Yellow]: We need to hide out for a bit. Let the ol' REGENERATIVE HEALING FACTOR do its thing. [White]: But WHERE?

Where is a little old lady trying to balance a bag of groceries as she gets her keys out to open her door. Deadpool offers to help.

REP: [Woman]: Who are you? [Deadpool]: I'm just a guy in a cool costume with a lotta cool guns. That's all you need to know. [Woman]: Hmph. You young men and your guns. Is NOT "cool" to be having guns. [Deadpool]: I disagree. I'm gonna take a little siesta on your old lady couch. Best thing for YOU to do is pretend I’m not here-- ESPECIALLY if somebody shows up LOOKIN' for me.

CRAZY: [Yellow]: She's a nice old lady. We should write down her address. Send her a card or something. [White]: Do they even MAKE cards for former hostages? [Yellow]: They SHOULD.

Meanwhile, she brings Deadpool out a bowl of flaki, a Polish soup.

Deadpool gets off the couch, sitting up politely at her kitchen table. The cat is at his feet.

[Deadpool]: You're a NICE old lady.

She takes a bit of an exception to being called old, even if she actually is old.

REP/HERO: [Deadpool]: Are you this wise BECAUSE you're so old? [Woman]: Yes. [Deadpool]: Outta curiosity, how much longer ya think you'll be alive? [Woman]: This is threat? [Deadpool]: Huh? NO! [Woman]: It sound like threat. [Deadpool]: It's not a threat. Okay? I'm actually here to help you.

But his help-- getting rid of The Wrecker-- won't help her. Not having a place to live isn't going to help her at all.

And that's when it comes out… The Wrecker had initially been hired by the building owners to chase out the tenets….

REP: [The Wrecker]: But then I had a change o' heart. Ya might wanna consider doin' the same.

Deadpool yelps and hides behind the wall, peering out anxiously out at The Wrecker.

REP/FOURTH-WALL: [Woman]: Ah, Dirk! You came for flaki! [The Wrecker]: Course I did-- it's TUESDAY, ain't it? [The Wrecker]: Ya want I should throw this bum out the window first? [Deadpool]: I'm confused. [The Wrecker]: These are good people. HONEST> They don't deserve to get screwed over by SCUM like those BUILDING OWNERS. Scum like ME. An' YOU. [Deadpool]: No, I mean, I thought it was WEDNESDAY. [Woman]: No, is Tuesday. Every Tuesday I make the flaki, see? [Deadpool]: Oh… Oh, NOW I get it! THIS is a flashback to the FIRST time we fought!

Now…

BETRAYAL: It’s clear now that Deadpool has ALSO switched sides and is helping the tenets. His fight with The Wrecker, while destructive, is staged.

Deadpool's taking a break from their fight with a drink of water. The Wrecker joins him in a cup and asks what's next. The answer? More fighting!

REP: [Newscaster]: As the battle rages on and our coverage continues, we find ourselves asking who-- and WHAT-- will be left standing?

That is indeed the question.

Back at the owner's office, they get a call. Their buyer is out. Firmly. They try to think of what they can do to save themselves, but they'll be caught for tax evasion if they just pull money out of "nowhere" to pay off the banks, and even if they could do that, they don't have any money left in their offshore account because they used it to pay Deadpool. They need a buyer. And then the phone rings again…

REP: [The Wrecker]: How much… LONGER… ya wanna DO this? [Deadpool]: Until you give up… Or the COPS man up an' SWARM us… or…

The payphone next to them rings. And just like they, they both flee the scene in opposite directions, leaving the NYPD, the newscaster, and the building owners all puzzled over what just happened.

The answer is revealed as the little old woman enters the office, dressed up in her finery, to pick up the deed to the building. She just bought the place from them for a discounted price.

In New Jersey, the next day….

The Wrecker, Deadpool, and the old woman meet up in a dinner.

REP/HERO: [The Wrecker]: Ya gave the money the building owners paid YOU to HER… an' then SHE bought the BUILDIN'? [Woman]; At discount price. Overage will be used for repairs, taxes, improvements… [The Wrecker]: And you did it because…? [Deadpool]: I had a change of heart. [The Wrecker]: Okay, I can understand that, but… whatta YOU get out of it? [Woman]: Flaki. Two gallons. As agreed. [Deadpool]: Yup, that oughtta cover it. [Deadpool, to The Wrecker]: An' YOU'RE coverin' THIS. Don't forget the tip.

Deadpool walks off, leaving The Wrecker puzzled over what just happened.

HERO: Deadpool puts a bullet through the heads of both the former building owners. Then he sits at their desk and enjoys some of his flaki.

[li-izumi]

Deadpool Comic Appearance Details #323

Deadpool Teamup #884 Guest Staring The Watcher Written by Tom Peyer , Art by Jacob Chabot 2011-04

REP: [The Watcher]: The WORSE price I pay is I have to watch EVERYONE. Even Deadpool [The Watcher]: He is in SO MANY TITLES these days. Deadpool has become IMPOSSIBLE to IGNORE. Even as he remains ESSENTIAL to ignore so I have been putting this off for as long as I CAN. Until NOW. So here goes. [a beat] [The Watcher]: What am I THINKING? My ASSISTANT can handle this.

Meanwhile…

SERIOUS-AUTHOR-HE’S-NOT-A-MUTANT: [Deadpool]: This is an OUTRAGE, I tell you. An OUTRAGE! I can't sell you my perfectly red blood just because I'm a MUTANT with BRAIN CANCER? How about buying my EMPTIES? [Clerk]: No.

QUEER: [Deadpool, shaking his tush]: Make it RAIN and I'll peel this sexy COSTUME off. Every STITCH. I will leave NOTHING to the imagination. Nuh-uh-thing. [Clerk]: No. [Deadpool]: There a PRIVATE room here? For twenty bucks I could break your HEART. [Clerk]: Get! OUT!

CRAZY/SELF-LOATHING: [Deadpool]: What'll I DO? I gotta get money. [Yellow]: What about that 8.3 MILLION you earned last week? [White]: Yeah, what about that 8.3 million?

CRAZY/SELF-LOATHING: [Deadpool]: THAT'S weird. You VOICES never asked me a QUESTION before. Usually you just talk mean smack. [Yellow]: That's not fair. We try to be NICE. [White]: We really LIKE you. [Deadpool]: No, you DON'T. What are you UP to? [Yellow]: Please, stay FOCUSED. [White]: What about that money you made off the Iron Fist case? [Deadpool]: Oh, THAT. Right, trying to think where I STASHED it… [Yellow]: You don't remember. [Deadpool]: Yes, I don't. [White]: Good. I mean, no problem. We do. Right, Voice? [Yellow]: That's right, other voice. We remember. [Deadpool]: That is GREAT, pals! You're WONDERFUL! No! No MERELY wonderful. John Tesh-wonderful! So where is it? [Yellow]: Not so fast. [White]: We'll lead you to it AFTER you go on a little mission for us. [Deadpool]: Me? Working FOR the voices in my head? That has been my dream job all my life! What do you want me to do? [Yellow]: You'll find out.

CRAZY: The voices lead Deadpool to a seedy bar in a "filthy, nasty men's room"

In the next stall, Deadpool is greeted by The Watcher.

QUEER: [The Watcher]: Men call me the Watcher! [Deadpool]: MEN? MEN call you the Watcher? Guess you really know your way around a MEN'S ROOM. [The Watcher]: HOLD. Things are not precisely as they APPEAR… [Deadpool]: Listen, I'm FLATTERED, but I'm not LOOKING right now. And if I WERE… Well, I like HAIR. Blond. And nice ROUNDY places. On a SCORPIO. Get it? [The Watcher]: Perhaps I timed our encounter POORLY. I will station myself outside this primitive DOOR until you READY yourself. Subsequent to that, we may begin AGAIN. [Deadpool]: Sure, sure. Can't WAIT for our ENCOUNTER.

So Deadpool climbs out the window.

QUEER/CRAZY: [Deadpool]: Poor, poor peeping tom. Hope he finds that special SOMEONE. VOICES! Which way? [Yellow]: Up!

So Deadpool scales the building.

CRAZY/SELF-LOATHING: [Deadpool]: Why won't you just tell me where we're going? [Yellow]: Do you tell a DOG where you're WALKING it? [White]: Unfair comparison. Dogs can be house-broken. [Deadpool]: Ahh, voices. Now that you're getting what you WANT you're all SASSY again. Just like Abraham Lincoln and Joan of Arc. [Yellow]: What--? [White]: Don't try to track what he's saying. This mission's too URGENT to risk HIS world swallowing us?

They lead Deadpool through the window (he crashes through it). Then to the elevator (they get more specific on how he is to enter it after crashing through the window). So Deadpool gets on the elevator and standing there is The Watcher.

Deadpool gets startled and shoots up the elevator. They are now stuck in the elevator. The Watcher has cosmic powers, but he is forbidden on interfering in the course of events and therefore he can't do anything to get them unstuck from the elevator. Yellow wants Deadpool to just shoot his way out, but Deadpool "wants to get to the bottom of this".

But despite arguing that the Watcher has already interfered since Deadpool wouldn't have shot up the elevator if he hadn't appeared, the Watcher refuses to do anything.

CRAZY: [Yellow]: Stop ARGUING with him. Your window of OPPEROTUNITY'S closing. [White]: Just SHOOT your way out. [Deadpool]: No. [Yellow]: What? [White]: What are you DOING? STOP! [Deadpool pulls out an explosive device and starts to hook it up] [Deadpool]: What's the problem? This is QUICKER. [Yellow]: We need you in one PIECE, you stupid--

The elevator explodes.

REP/HEALING/CRAZY: [The Watcher]: You deliberately MAIMED yourself! I never saw anyone DO that! [Deadpool]: Stick… with… me. You'll see… LOTS. [The Watcher]: Do you intend to seek medical attention? Mind you, I am forbidden to ASSIST in any-- [Deadpool]: I KNOW. Perv. This'll all heal… in a… [Yellow]: You don't HAVE a minute.

CRAZY: [White]: Pull yourself TOGETHER. This is SERIOUS. [Yellow]: Your target heard the explosion. It's on its way. [Deadpool]: How… do YOU know? [White]: We feel its horrible menacing PRESENCE. [Deadpool]: I… don't. [Yellow]: You WOULDN'T.

The voices urge Deadpool to get ready and grab his weapon. And then, down the hall, comes…

CRAZY/HERO: [Deadpool]: PUPPY? [The Watcher]: It is to say AWWWW! For the ancient eyes of the Watcher behold something truly-- ADORABLE [Deadpool]: Do you see a MONSTER? Where's the MONSTER, boy? [White]: No! That IS the monster! [Yellow]: Strike! [White]: Slay! [Yellow]: Kill! [White]: Now! [Deadpool]: 'Kay. [The Watcher]: WHAT? No! Though I be pledge to ever stand by USELESSLY-- [The Watcher]: I cannot bring myself to let you assassinate that cute little puppy!

The Watcher punches Deadpool.

HEALING: [Deadpool]: Okay, THAT sets the healing back…

While Utau The Watcher vows to protect the cute adorable puppy even at the cost of his cosmic birthright, the cute little puppy has transformed into a big ugly monster.

HERO: [Deadpool]: You couldn’t let me kill it when it was a PUPPY?

The Watcher grabs Deadpool and carries him down the hall.

REP/HEALING: [Deadpool]: Not THIS again! [The Watcher]: Worry not! Your wounds have yet to heal and I now BREAK my vow to defend the beast! [Deadpool]: How many is that today. [The Watcher]: Let ME worry about my HONOR, brave Deadpool. YOU need only stay BACK where its SAFE-- And permit the Watcher -- TO INTERFERE!

And so The Watcher interferes and fights against the monster. Even Deadpool is a bit shocked/horrified by the fight. The Watcher wins by biting out the monster's guts.

REP/HERO: [The Watcher]: Listen, I would be GRATEFUL if you didn't MENTION to anyone-- [Deadpool]: --That you're a meddling MANIAC? Since I really don't want you gnawing all the way through MY guts, your secrets PROBABLY safe… But we BOTH know how I get to TALKING. So let's throw in some added INCENTIVE. I keep your SECRET, you quit SPYING on me. You shimmer off and never come back. Promise? [The Watcher]: Promise. You and I shall never meet again, noble Deadpool. [Deadpool]: I'd sure APPRECIATE that, creepy Watcher.

CRAZY/FOURTH-WALL: [Deadpool]: So, VOICES? What was THAT all about? With the PUPPY and the big squish monster? [Yellow]: We can SKIP it, please? [White]: Explanations are DULL. [Deadpool]: I want to know! [Yellow]: What a BABY. Okay, the shape-shifter was a vengeance-speaking grandson of KRAG-- [White]: An alien who mysterious died in a failed attempt at Earth [Deadpool]: No! All of continuity to choose from and I have to face a half-century old, pre-Marvel THROWAWAY? [Yellow]: "I Am The Menace From Outer Space" was not a throwaway! We don't PUBLISH throwaways!

Well, monster threat was defeated, Deadpool wants to know where his money is.

CRAZY: [Yellow]: In your boot. [Deadpool]: No, it ISN'T! It would feel LUMPY! I don't feel anything LUMPY-- [White]: Your OTHER boot. [Deadpool]: Oh.

CLOTHES/LOOKS: Deadpool is naked except for his mask, covered in a pile of cash.

CRAZY/QUEER: [Deadpool]: Oh, money, let's never be apart… SNUUURR… [Yellow]: At LAST. [White]: I thought he'd NEVER get to sleep. [Yellow]: Come HERE, you. [White]: *Giggle*

But they are soon interrupted by The Assistant Watcher.

REP/CRAZY: [Deadpool]: Your boss PROMISED to leave me alone. [Assistant Watcher]: He ALWAYS does this. Says he'll never return then sends ME. [Deadpool]: Then he's a creepy, lying, pasty, weaselly, scheming, shift-- [Assistant Watcher]: TELL me abou-- GROSS! Hands on top of the blanket! What are you DOING down there. [Deadpool]: Why don't you WATCH and FIND OUT?

HEALING/HERO: While the Assistant grumbles about his crappy job, Deadpool is setting up another explosive, blowing them both up.

[li-izumi]

Deadpool Comic Appearance Details #318

Deadpool Teamup #885 Guest Staring Hell Cow Written by Rick Spears , Art by Phil Bond 2011-03

CRAZY/SELF-LOATHING: [Deadpool]: Why do I ever agree to meet people over the INTERNET? It's so dangerous. [Yellow]: 'Cause you're an idiot. [Deadpool]: People that will hire someone to KILL for them aren't always the most TRUSTWORTHY. So you gotta be on guard. Stay sharp, keep your eyes PEELED. Be ready for anything. Captions, you guys keep a lookout on my six. [Deadpool]: What kinda JERK stretches a wire across a PEDESTRIAN walkway?! [Yellow]: All CLEAR back here, chief. [White]: Oh, boy.

Yes, Deadpool sets off a tripwire which sends a giant anvil straight for his head. He ducks down at the last minute to pick a random four leaf clover that is crowing on the sidewalk.

AUTHOR-DOESN'T-KNOW-WHAT-HE'S-TALKING-ABOUT: [Deadpool]: Look at you, little clover. You're a MUTANT just like me.

That's when the anvil swings back and smashes his head in an entirely too gruesome way.

Deadpool wakes up in an anachronistic prehistoric time where a conventionally buxom beauty is riding on a triceratops.

QUEER/FOURTH-WALL: [Deadpool]: HELLLOOO, nurse! If this is heaven I don't wanna be RETCONNED back to life! [The woman coughs] [Deadpool]: Baby, sugar lips, what's the matter.

Deadpool more fully wakes up. He is in a jail and the person coughing in front of him isn't a buxom beauty but a balding old scientist man.

QUEER/HEALING [Deadpool has a large lump on his skull] [Deadpool]: the last thing I remember was KISSING that freight train. With TONGUE.

The doctor introduces himself as Dr. Kilgore. He is coughing badly until he drinks a pink concoction.

Dr. Kilgore monologues how he was dying of turberculosis so he sought immortality. He found it in the pink beverage which is the "vampire lactations of HELLCOW!"

CRAZY/DR. WHO REFERENCES: [Deadpool]: Come again? [Yellow]: Say what? [White]: Dr. Who?

Dr. Kilgore monologues the history of Hellcow and how he found her. It's not important. Unfortunately for him, the milk is losing its effectiveness. He also doesn't want to become a vampire himself because he loves playing nude beach volleyball.

REP/HERO/HEALING: [Dr. Kilgore]: I have a NEW plan for a more PERMANENT solution and that's where you come in, Mr. Deadpool. [Deadpool]: Cool, just let me out of this cage and aim me at who you want liquefied. I'm your merc, Kilgore. [Dr. Kilgore]: You misunderstand. It's not your SKILLS I want.

REP/HEALING/POSSIBLE-PSEUDO-SCIENCE-EXPLANATION-FOR-DEADPOOL'S-ABILITIES: [Dr. Kilgore]: You see, I hypothesize that your pituitary gland produces MUTATED human grown hormone. I believe this makes every cell in your body act a STEM CELL. It makes you a mass of undifferentiated pluripotent cells, a walking, talking BLASTEMA!

REP/HERO/HEALING: [Deadpool]: So are you saying you DON'T want me to kill anybody? I'm NOT gonna get PAID? [Dr. Kilgore]: I'm saying it's your healing factor I want and I'm going to drill into your possibly pygmy brain to get it!

ABUSE: So Deadpool is strapped down to a table while Dr. Kilgore prepares to drill into his brain.

Deadpool makes friends with Hellcow.

REP/HERO: [Deadpool]: We need to blow this joint, but listen, we gotta stick together, okay? You and me, us against the world. Together AGAIN for the FIRST time. [Hellcow]: Moo. [Deadpool]: You said it. But don't worry. I'm gonna get us out of here. That's a PROMISE, you and me-- TOGETHER.

ABUSE: [Dr. Kilgore starts drilling into Deadpool's head] [Dr. Kilgore]: I'm making the first critical bore. [Deadpool]: Hey, that TICKLES guy. [Dr. Kilgore]: Well, I can assure you it won't "tickle" for long. In fact, as I DRILL through this mess you call a mind you should suffer diminished capacity with every inch.

Dr. Kilgore pulls out the chunk of Deadpool's brain that is his pituitary gland. He adds it to a centrifuge to separate the HGH and then adds it to a needle and injects it into his butt.

Dr. Kilgore starts to feel some changes, but not all good as he pukes up a stream of vile green something.

HEALING: [Deadpool]: It might just be my CANCER talking, but that CAN'T be good. [Deadpool is already recovered from having his head drilled into]

While Dr. Kilgore realizes something is going wrong and transforms into a giant hulkish monster, Deadpool has Hellcow knock the table he's tied on over. Deadpool is able to get his sword. Once he frees himself, he frees Hellcow.

REFERENCES: [Deadpool]: Nobody puts the Hellcow in the corner! [Yes, that is a Dirty Dancing reference]

With Hellcow free, it's now "time for the team-up no one's been waiting for".

Deadpool points out that "cancer man's got nards!" as he forcefully kicks Dr. Kilgore in the balls. Dr. Kilgore retaliates by vomiting another stream of green slime on Deadpool.

Hellcow headbutts Dr. Kilgore and then vanishes into mist when Dr. Kilgore goes to hit him with the table. Deadpool saves Hellcow by blasting Dr. Kilgore full of lead.

FOURTH-WALL/CRAZY: [Yellow]: Hey, look, it's YOU. [White]: I think you're trying to tell you something. [Deadpool]: What?! I can't hear you over all the GUNFIRE. [Yellow]: Then stop shooting, DINGUS! [As Deadpool is shooting at Dr. Kilgore, he sees himself standing behind Dr. Kilgore]

FOURTH-WALL: The second Deadpool gives up when it's clear that his first self is useless. He leaves.

Deadpool runs out of bullets. Dr. Kilgore knocks him over with the prison door then burns Hellcow with the silver bars.

CRAZY/SELF-LOATHING: [Yellow]: It sue looks hopeless for our ZEROES.

QUEER: [Deadpool to Hellcow]: If this is it, if this is really the END-- There's no better FRIEND that I'd rather go out with. I… I LOVE you, man.

Hellcow greets this announcement by biting Deadpool's neck, turning Deadpool into a vampire!

Together they attack Dr. Kilgore. Deadpool bites into Dr. Kilgrow with his new fangs.

[Deadpool]: Ugh, this guy tastes TERRIBLE! How the hell do you beat CANCER without so much FLAVOR?

HERO: With Hellcow's suggestion, Deadpool blasts Dr. Kilgrow with fire, then throws a bucket of acid on him, and ends with flushing the bucket that was once Dr. Kilgore, despite the fact that even in his melted form, he can "still think and feel, and LOOOVE!"

Deadpool and Hellcow high-five in celebration.

QUEER/FOURTH-WALL [Deadpool]: Hellcow, I feel this battle, this victory, has BONDED us in a very deep and real way. Can you feel it too? [Hellcow]: Moo. [Deadpool]: No one back home will be able to relate to these things we've SEEN and what we had to do to SURVIVE. We are a band of brothers, FRIENDS, for live. [Hellcow]: Moo. [Deadpool]: I'm gonna talk to Axel and Sebastian about a spin-off series. Deadpool and Hellcow-- The new DREAM TEAM! What do ya say? [Hellcow]: Moo. [Deadpool]: I think I smell a MOOVIE deal. Did you see what I did there? [Hellcow]: Moo.

But things are not meant to be for the new friends… They step outside Dr. Kilgore's lab into the morning sun.

HEALING: [Deadpool]: Hello, sun. Sure am glad my healing factor worked all that VAMPIRE stuff out of my system.

Hellcow isn't so luck.

Aw, Hellcow, no.

CRAZY/SELF-LOATHING/QUEER: [Deadpool]: Suddenly… so ALONE. [Yellow]: Hey, what are we? Chopped liver? [White]: Yeah, jerk! [Deadpool]: Shut up, caps. This is SERIOUS! I think my heart is BREAKING. [KRACK] [Deadpool]: Yep, there it goes. Deadpool finds some comfort "in a full stomach" and eats "delicious, delicious" Hellcow steak.

Deadpool recalls that there had been another him trying to tell him something. This gives him a great idea.

FOURTH-WALL: Deadpool slices into the comic page to a few pages back so he can warn his earlier self not to take Hellcow out into the sun. Unfortunately, his past self is too busy shooting guns to be able to hear what he's saying.

FOURTH-WALL/CRAZY: [Deadpool]: Ugh, forget it! Why do I have to do EVERYTHING myself. [Yellow]: I'm so confused.

Since that didn't work, Deadpool has to think of a different idea, but that's not so easy for him.

HERO: [Deadpool]: I'm good with KILLING but I'm not so great at the SAVING dudes.

But this gives him an idea! He hides behind a crate by the exit.

CRAZY: [Yellow]: I'm still CONFUSED. [White]: Sorry, I was in the can. What did I miss? [Deadpool]: Shhhh… WE'RE coming.

Deadpool and Hellcow, celebrating their victory over Dr. Kilgore as they approach the exit. Suddenly, Deadpool steps out from behind the crate and stakes Hellcow.

Later, that night…

Deadpool unstakes Hellcow, who glares angrily at Deadpool.

HERO: [Deadpool]: I know! Sorry! KILLING you was the BEST I could come up with. I'd already gone back SIXTY times and nothing else was working.

A bunch of Deadpool give cheers.

Hellcow flies off while Deadpool runs after trying to make amends.

FOURTH-WALL/CRAZY [Deadpool]: What? I don't know where the HAMBURGERS came from. I didn't… Hey, you BIT me FIRST! Hellcow, DELICIOUS friend, come back! [Yellow]: To be continued…? [White]: I seriously doubt it.

[li-izumi]

Deadpool Comic Appearance Details #314

Deadpool #30 Written by Daniel Way, art by Bong Dazo and Jose Pimentel 2011-02

Curse of the Mutants crossover event

Deadpool is sleeping on a bed, surrounded by an open bag of chips, empty bottles of soda, and drool on his pillow.

[Vampire]: Deadpool. [Vampire]: Wake up. [Deadpool]: …Am I having a nightmare? [Vampire]: No. this s really happening. [Deadpool]: Sooooo.. I really am surrounded by Draculas? [Vampire]: We're not… we're not ALL named "Dracula".

But Deadpool doesn't care about the proper term when he's surrounded by draculas. He jumps up with guns a blazing.

CLOTHES: Deadpool has his normal mask and costume on top, but his pants are off and he's wearing purple and cream boxer shorts.

CRAZY: [White]: You do know that regular bullets don't work on Draculas, right? [Deadpool]: OF COURSE I know THAT! But regular bullets should buy me enough time to-- Ah crap.

[Sharing these pics mostly for Deadpool butt <3]

HERO/REP: [Vampire]: DAMNIT! Stop. Shooting. You. IDIOT! We came to HIRE you, not KILL you!

But all the shooting has caught the attention of the police. Hearing the sirens, they vampires flee, but the main one gives Deadpool a card with an address and asks him to meet them there at dusk.

HERO: [Deadpool]: Yeah RIGHT--I don't work for Draculas, Dracula. I'm one of the good guys now! [Vampire]: So are we.

Dawn…

Deadpool is scoping the location, thinking about what to do.

CRAZY/HERO: [Deadpool]: Well, brain? What should I do? [White]: Go to the address and hear what the Draculas have to say. They SAID they were good guys… [Deadpool]: Yeah, but--! [White]: Look, if WE can become one of the good guys? It doesn't seem impossible that THEY can, TOO. [Deadpool]: That… kinda makes sense. I need to ponder this. … Okay, that was a waste of time. I'm gonna go talk to the Draculas. If their offer seems legit, I'll take it, if NOT… Well, y'know.

Dusk…

Deadpool meets with the Draculas of the Mystikos sect.

The vampire explains how the vampire kingdom has recently been thrown into chaos.  Dracula's son Xarius has staged a coup that is threatening to "undo in days everything" the vampires have "accomplished over the course of centuries"

REP: [Deadpool]: Y'mean, like, transforming into bats and sucking people's blood? [Colvin]: …I beg your pardon? [Deadpool]: You're makin' sound like Draculas have done all this GREAT STUFF but, as far as I can tell, the only cool thing you guys have been done is get staked by the frog brothers in lost boys. [Svetlana]: Colvin, I REALLY think we need to explore other options. BETTER options. [Colvin]: They're coming for us, Svetlana, And they're coming FAST. That they haven't ALREADY attacked only make me MORE nervous. We don't have TIME for other options. It's him… or NOTHING.

They explain to Deadpool that a rival sect, the Claw sect, is after them, despite the fact that they're all Draculas.

Outside, the Claws prepare to attack.

Inside, Colvin explains how Xarius has given the Claw Sect amulets that allow them to go out into the sunlight.

Deadpool spaces out during the exposition talk until they turn the conversation back to him.

REP: [Colvin]: That's where YOU come in. [Deadpool]: …Huh? [Colvin]: We need protection during the day. Name your price. [Deadpool]: Hmm… Let me think about that… [Svetlana]: You do REALIZE he's going to shoot at us again…?

CRAZY/HERO: [White]: Oh, snap! BUSTED! [Deadpool]: No, I'm NOT. [Yellow]: Good recovery. [Deadpool]: And I'm not gonna HELP you, EITHER-- For two reasons. One, you're a Dracula, and two… you're a Dracula too. Have fun dying. Again.

So Colvin explains that their sect has spent their resources to build the hospital that is above them. They never turn anyone away, they donate their profits to various humanitarian aid foundations, and the only thing they take is the blood… "and a small administrative fee, of course".

HERO: [Colvin]: Xarius and his allies want to go to war with the human race. We want to SAVE the human race. If you really are "one of the good guys", Deadpool, NOW would be a helluva time to prove it. [Deadpool]: Okay, I'll do it.

Meanwhile, up in the hospital, the Claw Sect is attacking, including a cute woman, Dr. Matsuzaki. Fortunately for her, she's studied self-defense and has a gun.

Fortunately for her…

HERO: Deadpool stabs the vampire with a wooden stake and then behinds the vampire.

QUEER: [Deadpool]: Hey. Wow, you look… REALLY hot with that gun. Wanna go get some tacos with me after I finish killing the rest of these Draculas? [Dr. Mitsuzaki]: That's… Dracula? [Deadpool]: Yeah! Well, A Dracula.

The Claws waiting outside call to check in with their scout. Deadpool answers but well…

[Claw Vampire]: Your VOICE, Geza it sounds… DIFFERENT. [Deadpool]: Huh? Oh, YEAH. HRR-HRMMM! Just a little choked up on all the blood I've been drinkin'… 'Cause I'm a DRACULA.

The Claw Dracula orders his companion to go check out what's happening.

Deadpool urges Dr. Mitsuzaki to move. She tells him that they need to call security and to check on the patients are okay., but Deadpool states that he can't let her do any of that. So she shoots him in the leg.

CRAZY/QUEER: [White]: She shot us! [Yellow]: YEAH. But it was in the LEG. [White]: So? What's the difference?! [Yellow]: She coulda shot us in the HEAD. [White]: So… She loves us? [Yellow]: Obviously, DUH!

So Deadpool shoots her in the leg.

QUEER: [Deadpool]: I, uh, got your MESSAGE? And, just so you know, I feel also the same… FEELINGS… that YOU feel… too. [Dr. Mitsuzaki]: Don't TOUCH me!

REP/QUEER: [Dr. Mitsuzaki]: Put me DOWN, you psycho piece of-- [Deadpool, with a couple hearts floating around his head]: Shhhhhh! No need for words. And don’t worry about your leg, it's just a-- [Dr. Mitsuzaki]:I know what kind of wound it is, you idiot! I'm a doctor! [Deadpool]: I'm Deadpool. You an' me are gonna be so happy together. [Dr. Mitsuzaki]: We're--? Uh… WHERE are you talking me? [Deadpool]: To the chapel. Isn't this ROMANTIC?

But a Claw vampire is there waiting for him in the chapel.

QUEER: [Deadpool]: Don't worry, baby. I got this [He drops her hard to the ground as he turns his attention to the vampire]

REP: [Deadpool]: You're probably wondering "What is this guy thinking? He should be pooping his pants in terror right now because I'm a scary Dracula. Why is he so gosh-darn calm?" That is your FIRST mistake. [Claw vampire]: WHAT is my first mistake? [Deadpool]: Assuming that I’m thinking. But don't worry about it-- EVERYBODY does that. [Claw vampire]: YOUR first mistake was telling us where we could FIND you. [Deadpool]: Not really- I actually WANTED you to come here, since it's the room with the most WINDOWS. [Claw vampire]: You fool, I am PROTECTED from the sun! [Deadpool]: And that would be your SECOND mistake.

The vampire holds up his amulet. Which Deadpool shoots and destroys it. The vampire immediately burns in the sunlight.

QUEER: [Deadpool]: Helluva first date, huh? [Dr. Mitsuzaki]: What is going on here?!

Deadpool asks where there's a place to see all the security camera feeds. She points him to a room down the hall.

QUEER/HERO: [Deadpool]: Where all the security guards hang out? [Dr. Mitsuzaki]: Huh? Uh… no… Well, they … uh… don't hang out there ALL the time-- I'm sure they're… uh… NOT there… [Deadpool]: AWESOME. [He scoops her up into his arms again] [Deadpool]: Because that's the next place the Draculas are gonna hit and I'd hate for a buncha guys to get killed just because they showed up for work today.

Unfortunately, there are indeed a bunch of security guards in the room looking at the security feeds until a trio of Claw vampires show up.

[li-izumi]

Deadpool Comic Appearance Details #293

X-Men Origins - Deadpool #1 Written by Duane Swierczynski, Art by Leandro Fernandez 2010-09

A man pulls up to a house on Mulholland Drive. He sees a trial of blood leading from the house. Another man runs from the house, holding a gunshot wound from his leg.

REP: [Shot guy]: He's INSANE! Run! Run while you still can! I'm tell you man, don't go in there!

The first man is shaken, but he shrugs off the injured man and continues into the house. There he sees Deadpool, holding a smoking gun.

[Deadpool]: Guess you're my 3:30.

Deadpool wants to beat anyone else to the punch before Hollywood turns his story into a movie, by turning his story into a movie first. he's been interviewing screenwriters all day and they "didn't go so well".

After 38-minutes, the screenwriter is super excited.

REP/HERO: [Screenwriter]: Listen, dawg-- we go all Michael Bay on this mother. I'm talking monster brawls. Huge action set pieces. you vs. Sasquatch. You vs. Hulk. Wait, can we get the rights to the Hulk? I don't know. doesn't matter. [Deadpool]: Uh, yeah. I was kind of thinking... [Screenwriter]: Don't be like that, bro, don't be stuck in the old paradigm. You've got to go HIGH-CONCEPT! [Deadpool pulls his gun and points it in the screenwriters face] [Deadpool]: This high? Or maybe a little higher? [Screenwriter]: Wait, what are you... [Deadpool shoots him in the upper arm.]

The screenwriter runs away, holding his injured and bleeding arm.

The next screenwriter isn't much better. He wants to cut out all the "downer" mercenary stuff. He'll change Deadpool's job to country singer and "you're drunk, and broke, and looking to reconnect with your son..."

HERO: Deadpool shoots him in the leg.

Deadpool is out of patience with the next screenwriter, but the next one says he's not here with a pitch, he's here to listen. So Deadpool pours them both a drink and tells him his story.

PAST/ABUSE: [Deadpool narration]: And like so many origin stories, it starts off with me butt nekkid and in a crazy-ridiculous amount of pain. You may ask: how did I end up in this tank of water, sharp needles jabbin my yin-yang and tubes up my hoo-hah-and-how's-yer-mother? I, uh... VOLUNTEERED. [Deadpool narration]: See, it was either painful death from Stage IV cancer-- or these experimental trials up in Canada. And looking back on what happened, some might say I should have taken my chances with the big C.

PAST/HEALING: [Deadpool narration]: As the docs explained it, the experiment was a MIXED BAG. Sure my body could regenerate itself at amazing speeds.

ABUSE/HEALING: [One of the doctors shoots him in the hand. It heals immediately.] [Deadpool]: Ack... Is it... Supposed to... hurt... so much... [Another hits him with a blow torch]

PAST/LOOKS/HEALING/SELF-LOATHING: [Deadpool narration]: But no matter how radical the injury, I still looked like human hamburger after regenerating. Which wasn't exactly useful for top secret assasin-type missions-- Kind of the whole point. I'd stand out too much in a crowd.

PAST: [Deadpool narration]: They told me not to worry, while they sorted it out, I could chill out at a resort to recover. And it was a real club med, if by club med you mean Club Failed Med-ical Experiments. [Deadpool narration]: Rotting away in my cell, I realized I signed on for a fate worse than cancer. At least cancer ends. This went on and on... potentially forever. I had to find a way out.

In his cell, Deadpool sits on the bottom bunk vocalizing how much pain he's in.

PAST/HEALING/ABUSE: [Deadpool]: Ow my skin. Ow my skin. Ow my skin. Ow my skin. Ow my skin. Ow my skin hurts. Ow my skin....

[Many people see the above image and use it to point out how much Deadpool suffers from the Weapon X procedure, and it's possible that it does constantly hurt him as it appears in this image, but at this point, he is actually trying to attract the attention of a guard. And he does.]

PAST/HEALING/ABUSE/REP: [Guard]: Shuddap or I'll give you something to complain about. [Deadpool]: Yeah? You want a shot at the title, tubby? [Guard]: Be GLAD to-- [Deadpool]: Please-- I-I... I'm sorry. It just hurts so much. [The guard leaves, so Deadpool calls out to him again] [Deadpool]: But seriously-- Do you have any Vaseline handy? You know, the kind you use on your stretch marks? [Guard]: Okay, freak--It's on. Wait until you see how much your skin can REALLY hurt.

But this is playing into Deadpool's plan:

PAST/ABUSE: [Deadpool narration]: Ah, bullies. They can't resist kicking the snot out of the little guy. [Deadpool narration]: And I can't resist kickin' the snot out of bullies.

He knocks the guard out and escapes.

HEALING: [Deadpool narration]: You don't know the sheer joy of knowing that, no matter what they through at you, they can't kill you. I'll admit it. It made me a widdle giddy.

He's shot repeatedly by the guards but it doesn't slow him down. He knocks the guards out and keeps going. He escapes and falls back "on the whole mercenary thing" only now he has "certain competitive advantages".

He then goes on to describe an early assignment

CABLEPOOL: [Deadpool]: --killing this grumpy cyborg mutant from the future. Predictably, we ended up BEST FRIENDS. So anyway...

The screenwriter stops him though, and insists that Deadpool tell him more about "Wade Wilson, the man before he put on the mask, before the Weapon X experiment. Before everything."

So Deadpool shifts his story back to his pre-cancer days.

PAST/SELF-LOATHING/ROMANCE/COPYCAT: [Deadpool narration]: You want to hear the truth about Wade Wilson? He was an idiot. Wade Wilson was a mercenary with a moral code--Only took jobs he "believed" in. He was more earnest than a lifetime original movie. In fact, Wade Wilson was pretty much the only mercenary alive who WASN'T in it for the money. He'd go out, kill some dirtbag dictator who deserved it... then go home to his hottie girlfriend in Boston.

QUEER/ROMANCE/COPYCA: [Vanessa]: Wade! Oh, the things I'm going to do to your body... after you shower, of course...

ROMANCE/COPYCAT: Wade puts her off for a moment to check for the mail; he's expecting a letter from  the NYU Medical. It's the letter he's been dreading: the diagnosis of his cancer. He collapses onto the couch and Vanessa sits with him, assuring him that they can get through this together.

PAST: [Deadpool narration]: But I... er, I mean, Wade Wilson refused. Long ago, he swore not to be a burden to anybody--especially not those he loved.

So Deadpool left, and after a while of bumming around, getting into bar fights, he decided to fight back against the real enemy: cancer. And so he wound up to "this crazy medical experiment up in Canada".

[Deadpool]: Annnnnd you know what happens from there, needles up the yin-yang, et cetera et cetera. Moving on to the cool stuff.

But the screenwriter wants to get deeper about "the young Wade Wilson, before he was a merc for hire. Before he was an adult. What was his childhood like?"

SELF-LOATHING: [Deadpool]: What is this-- Diary of a wimpy merc? Nobody wants to hear that stuff.

PAST/FAMILY: But the screenwriter insists, so Deadpool takes another drink and talks about his dad, telling knock knock jokes at the front door.

PAST/FAMILY/ABUSE: [Deadpool narration]: But one day my dad slipped behind the door. And never came back. I'd do our knock-knock routine, just to see if he was waiting me out. He wasn't.

PAST/FAMILY/ABUSE: [Deadpool narration]: After my dad left, my mom tried to ease the pain with booze and ordering junk from cable T.V. channels. She' joked about everything--even the crippling debt she'd racked up.

PAST/FAMILY/ABUSE/SELF-LOATHING: [Deadpool narration]: I blamed myself: she'd be fine if she didn't have me to worry about. I swore I wouldn't be a burden to anybody, ever again.

PAST: [Deadpool narration]: When I was old enough, I took advantage of the one opportunity open to broke young Americans everywhere.

He joined the U.S. army.

PAST/QUEER: [Deadpool narration]: My superiors said I was a crack shot with a great tactical mind, a born survivor. I didn't have to heart to tell them that's because I practically grew up with a joystick in my hand. No, I don't mean THAT kind of--Oh never mind.

Deadpool went from the army to working on his own.

PAST/HERO: [Deadpool narration]: As long as I agreed with the cause, I'd pull the trigger. Now isn't all that different from then, come to think of it. Except I don't give a crap about the cause. You care too much, you bleed.

NOTABLE: [Deadpool narration]: When you're confronted with a horrible situation, there are only two reactions that make sense: laughter and tears. Tears hurt too much.

Deadpool stops for a moment. He lifts up his mask slightly, complaining of the heat and how stuffy it is, but that is to cover the fact that he is wiping away tears.

He then starts a tale of him against the Hulk, but the screenwriter stops him, having heard enough for the movie.

Thirty-five months later, Deadpool: Origins is premiering.

QUEER: Deadpool attends the premiere with two conventionally beautiful women at his arms.

Deadpool meets the screenwriter at the entrance amidst a media circus. Deadpool says he's avoided the reports and rumors as he didn't want to get his hopes up.

[Screenwriter]: You liked the script? [Deadpool]: No, the script was great. It's just-- [Screenwriter]: Don't worry. It's everything we talked about. You're going to love this.

It is NOTHING like what they talked about.

It starts off wrong, misspelling of his name (Dead Pool not Deadpool), and gets worse as it goes. No torture at Weapon X, over-the-top out-of-place explosions, bad jokes. It's terrible.

Deadpool envisions himself standing up and shooting up the movie theater in a scene that would never have been drawn today since it hits too hard now to be "funny".

He doesn't actually shoot up the theater. He leaves, glumly.

But he does torch the screenwriters car to express his displeasure.

Later, Deadpool drives out to a lone house and knocks on the door. An older man asks who it is.

PAST/FAMILY/LOOKS: [Deadpool]: Wade. [The father]: Wade... Wade who? [Deadpool removes his mask]: Wade until you see what happened to me, Dad.