#repeating apologies.

[young--padawan-blog]

Repeating Apologies || part twelve

Sobbing loudly, Jack stared into Alex's eyes as he spoke. He almost couldn't believe how they got there. Such a childish thing almost broke them for real. If Jack didn't knew how to control his anger, he would've probably done something worse than just hide in their room and cry for days straight. Maybe he would've flicked off Alex and be the one to break up. But Jack wasn't like that. He could never bring himself to tell Alex that he didn't love him anymore. That wouldn't be the truth. The skunk-haired guitarist could never stop loving him. It was written in the stars. Plus, Jack was always jealous of any girl that became close with Alex. Tay being the only exception because she was like a sister to them. But when Alex dated Lisa, it literally broke his heart. He knew that he couldn't get to Alex. He could never bring himself to just say "Hey, Lex, just wanted to let you know that I'm in love with you." How ridiculous that sounded... That's why Jack brought hookers on the bus. That's why he dated Holly, even if she ended up dumping him after they had sex, one time. I mean, it's obvious that when your boyfriend  moans his best friend's name when he cums is not really... something you would like. In the end, he didn't give a fuck about her. The only one we truly wanted was Alex fucking Gaskarth. And then, Lisa dumped him. They got drunk, ended up confessing their feelings for each other and making out on Alex's couch, surrounded by empty bottles and crushed cans of beer.

Then, he wiped his tears for good. It was no use crying now that Alex admitted that he had so much more than he thought. It was true that the boys' relationship had evolved with time. They became much closer, of course. But Jack saw how Alex really was in a relationship. Simply perfect. He was so much more than he could ask for. Jack sniffed and started at him with his big, dark, wet eyes. "I'm sorry." He said. "I love you so much, 'Lex. I... don't ever wanna fight like that anymore." The youngest whimpered lightly, holding back tears. "Never again."

[young--padawan-blog]

Repeating Apologies || part ten

“Alex, stop trying to push me away.”

Jack spoke in a low voice, and it was very obvious that he was annoyed. It wasn’t because of Alex, or anyone else. It was a feeling that Jack had quite often, and not just with his boyfriend, but also because of the fact that people never really took him seriously. He looked at Alex, even if he was turning his back on him. Jack knew that everything that happened was just him blowing up all the stress that accumulated since Dirty Work. It was that album that was either loved or hated. They put their heart and soul in it, but writing a complete record after leaving Hopeless was breaking them. Alex had that time where he thought the whole thing was complete shit and had to take a break from recording. Of course, Jack had been there. Like he was when Tom died. Like he was when Alex fought with his father. They’ve known each other since they were about thirteen or fourteen years old. A complete decade of friendship and a year of dating each other… Alex reached for Jack, touching his face with unbelievable tenderness. Their eyes met and Jack started sobbing again as he pushed away the food he barely touched. Both broken and hurt. Both way too stubborn to say the words the other desperately wanted to hear. Tears ran down Jack’s cheeks as he tried his best to look at Alex straight in the eyes.

“You’re not an asshole, ‘Lex.” Jack spoke in a low, soft voice. “I’ve tried so hard. I want to make you happy, Alex.” He sniffled, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. “You’ve made me happier than anyone and I just… I just don’t want to lose you again. I don’t want to fight with you that way ever again. It nearly killed me. I was so scared that you wouldn’t talk to me anymore. I can’t live without you, you fucking jerk.” He said. ‘Without you, there is no me,’ said Alex. And then, Jack finally realized. Alex was just apologizing. He was telling the truth. They wouldn’t break up, they would stay together and everything would be… right, again. With these words, Jack smiled between his tears and wrapped his arms around Alex’s neck. “I love you. Don’t ever leave me again.” He whispered, tightening his grip as he sobbed. “Please?”

[young--padawan-blog]

Repeating Apologies || part eight

He was close to fainting. Holding himself against the wall, Jack took a deep breath before washing his hair twice. He then used some soap, washing his body the best he could. He was doing this for Alex. He kept that in mind, his heart pounding in his chest. It felt strange for Jack to see him like that. He was so gentle it was almost scary. He shook the doubts from his head, rinsing himself before closing the water and stepping out the shower. The door stayed open the entire time and even if Jack was naked and knew that Alex could see him, he didn’t bother. Right now, he just wanted to be with him. He wrapped a towel around his bony hips and trimmed his beard before walking out the bathroom. The smell of the meal found his nose and his stomach growled lightly. He saw Alex’s smile and gave one back as he found a pair of boxers in his bag. He then slid a pair of sweat shorts and stole another of Alex’s numerous sweatshirts. Anyway, the singer wouldn’t even bother, Jack thought. He sat on the bed, taking a piece of apple between his fingers as he looked at Alex. “Yeah… Just go, I won’t go too far anyway.” He said, his voice a little better sounding. He barely ate while he wasn’t there. “ ‘For me,’ huh ? What are you doing… for me ?” Jack muttered, tears rising in his eyes again. “You almost left me…” He said, trying his best not to cry. He ate a little and raised his head as he heard Alex get out from the bathroom.  “What just happened?” Jack asked, looking in Alex’s eyes. “You look like you almost died in there.” He said, standing up and reaching to Alex’s hands. “You can’t hide everything from me forever, ‘Lex. Please. Tell me.” He begged, staring straight into his eyes.

[young--padawan-blog]

master post for Repeating Apologies

Part Two ; http://young--padawan.tumblr.com/post/29945335994/repeating-apologies-part-two

Part Three ; http://master-j-e-d-i.tumblr.com/post/30009574713/repeating-apologies-2

Part Four ; http://young--padawan.tumblr.com/post/29972222776/repeating-apologies-part-four

Part Five ; http://master-j-e-d-i.tumblr.com/post/30009649711/repeating-apologies-3

Part Six ; http://young--padawan.tumblr.com/post/29971900345/repeating-apologies-part-six

Part Seven ; http://master-j-e-d-i.tumblr.com/post/30009976701/repeating-apologies-4

Part Eight ; http://young--padawan.tumblr.com/post/30019538650/repeating-apologies-part-eight

Part Nine ; http://master-j-e-d-i.tumblr.com/post/30035379351/repeating-apologies-5

Part Ten ; http://young--padawan.tumblr.com/post/30040413560/repeating-apologies-part-ten

Part Eleven ; http://master-j-e-d-i.tumblr.com/post/30051247570/repeating-apologies-6

Part Twelve ; http://young--padawan.tumblr.com/post/30128522793/repeating-apologies-part-twelve

[young--padawan-blog]

Repeating Apologies || part four

He refrained himself from drinking. He wasn’t going to do the same as him. He wasn’t going to destroy himself with booze. Not that way. It was already hurting too much. Nothing could hurt him more. His whole being was hurt because of all the stupid shit that happened to them. He lay on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling for now a good two hours. No music, nothing. He hadn’t eaten for almost two days. Only nibbles that Rian forced him to swallow down. Still, Jack ended up puking the emptiness of his stomach. As he heard the door open, he didn’t bother to look. But when he heard his voice… he moved lightly. “Alex… Come…” He spoke in a broken voice. They both looked horrible. Jack’s scruff was now allowed to be called a beard and his hair was greasy and disgusting. He hadn’t taken a shower since their fight. He didn’t have the strength to. The guitar player looked at his lover -could he still call him that ?-  walk to the bed and waited for him to lay by his side. As soon as he saw Alex open his arms, Jack’s heart jolted. The only thing he needed. They both needed it. As soon as he saw, he moved in the bed, grabbing Alex’s shirt and clenching his fists into balls around the fabric. “Don’t leave me.” Jack begged as tears quietly fell from his eyes.

[young--padawan-blog]

Repeating Apologies || part six

It was a joke. Nothing but a joke. Why did it all have to come to this ? As Alex took him in his arms, Jack could do nothing more than sob again. Broken, desperate sobs came out of him as he cried his heart out. He felt so sorry. He wanted to apologize, tell Alex that he didn't mean anything. Of course he didn't. Alex spoke in his ear, and Jack tightened his hold on him. "I know..." He whimpered. "I'm sorry, Lex. I'm sorry." He sighed. Everything went so quick and it broke them both. Jack knew in a way that he shouldn't have snapped at his boyfriend because of that. He should've let it go, just turn around and leave Alex alone until he calmed himself. But of course he didn't. Turning defensive automatically was uncalled for. Jack looked up, meeting Alex's eyes for the first time since their fight. "S-Since..." He sniffed. "I didn't at all. He then followed Alex to the bathroom, trying to keep himself from crying. It was no use now. Alex was there, he was with him. He pinky promised that he wouldn't leave. Jack pressed his head against Alex's, taking a deep breath. "Don't leave me... ever again." He said, his voice cracking as he turned around, looking at the mirror. God, he looked horrible. He opened the water, removing the clothes he wore since the last few days. His skinny jeans and black JAGK shirt dropped on the floor, quickly followed by his boxers. Jack slid himself in the shower with a grunt after making sure that Alex didn't leave the room.

[young--padawan-blog]

Repeating Apologies || part two

He hated it. All of this. Why did it really have to happen ? Jack didn’t know. Curled in a ball, in the middle of the empty and cold bed, he simply cried. Crying until it was only light sobs coming out of his mouth. He wanted to die. And all of a sudden, his chest felt empty. So that was what love was. And how it felt when you were literally the only one you cared about. A low whimper slid out the guitarist’s mouth as he stood, stumbling on his feet as he looked around him. Even in this small space, he felt lost. Alex wasn’t there to take care of him and to tell him what to do. Jack fell on his knees, finding Alex’s bag of clothes. Pulling out the first shirt, he sniffed lightly as he noticed it was his sweater. A heart that was unlike his. It wasn’t broken. He stifled a sarcastic laughter, wiping tears from his eyes as he held it against his chest. There was a notebook on the night table. Soon, Jack found a pen and started to write. Two full pages of “I’m sorry.” And then, it was the lyrics of the song he found himself singing to him when he was happy. “Storms clouds may gather and stars may collide. But I love you until the end of time. Come what may, I will love you until my dying day. ”  He collapsed again. His sobbing was uncontrollable. Throwing the notebook and the pen across the room, he lay on his side, clutching the sweater as he pressed a button on his cellphone, making it play songs they wrote together. Some would think of it as torture, but it was somehow soothing. “If only I could hear your fucking voice.” He whimpered against the soft fabric that smelled horribly too much like Alex’s skin. He desperately wanted to see him and apologize. But what good would it make, now ? Nothing. So he simply cried harder when  Remembering Sunday started playing. “I guess I’ll go home now. I guess I’ll go home…” He clenched his teeth, taking a deep breath. “Fuck… ‘Lex.” He sighed, slowly starting to doze off, exhausted. He didn’t know how much time had passed until he heard his name. Being so tired, Jack never noticed that it was him until he felt his body move because of the additional weight on the mattress. He forced himself to keep his eyes closed and keep the tears from pouring down when he heard the song. His song. Slowly, he felt himself drown in the peaceful land of dreams. But this night, it wouldn’t be good dreams at all…