Left For Dead Part 3
Warnings: Killing, PTSD, Suicide Attempt, Implied Sexual Assault
A/N: This turned out a lot darker than I had originally planned, but I do believe that it is necessary for the plot to continue in the way that I want it to. I hope you guys enjoy this installment of the series, and please feel free to give me feedback on what you thought! You guys are amazing, and I want to say thank you for supporting me through this entire process :)
Bellamy Tag-List: @jodiereedus22 @colie87 @coffeebooksandfandom @littlelaia23 @littlegirl-fox Left For Dead Tag-list: @clairethehunternovak @rosealicous @hplssdreamer @xdontxcare
Song to Listen To: Better Off Dead by Sleeping With Sirens
I toss and turn in my sleeping state, my eyes clenched shut and my whole body tensed up. I mumble incoherently, unaware from anything besides what’s going on in my head...
Another scream echoes through the room as the grounders make gashes across my legs, blood coating my thighs instantly. I shake in my seat, tears streaking clean paths down my cheeks that are splattered with blood as well.
“I’ll ask you again,” Anya says, pacing towards me, “Why did they take your leader, and not you?”
“I don’t know,” I cry out, my head falling to face the ground. The grounder with the knife in his hand moves the blade towards my stomach, and no matter how desperately I keep crying out, “I don’t know!”, it doesn’t stop inching towards me. The searing pain erupts in my abdomen, and I throw my head back with another bloodcurdling scream.
Eventually the pain subsides, all that’s being left is an ache. My chest heaves as I try to suck in as much oxygen as I possibly can, my hair falling in tangles around my face. I flex my hands in their bindings, then wincing at the wrong move as instantly the scabs open up and I can feel a familiar liquid dripping off of my fingertips.
“I’m done for tonight,” Anya says to the grounder in front of me, stalking towards the door, “Do as you wish to make her talk.”
I whimper at the grounders sickening smirk as she leaves the room, and before I know it, I’m falling onto my knees as the bindings on my wrists are undone. The grounder pushes me to the ground, and I shiver and the cold floor on my bare skin.
“Please, don’t,” I beg out slowly as I see him undoing his own clothes. I cry out louder as he puts a knee on either side of my hips, his hands gripping my biceps so I can’t move.
I wake up to Raven being in the same position as the grounder in my dream, shaking me awake, “Y/N, wake up! You’re dreaming!”
“Get off…” I mumble before my heart bursts in my chest and I start to hyperventilate, “Get off, get off, RAVEN GET OFF!”
I shove her off of me and onto the floor in my state of panic, and immediately I get up off of my bed, pacing the entirety of the tent. I pull at my hair as my cheeks become wet- the state they seem to be in ever since I got back to camp.
“Y/N, you were screaming in your sleep-” Raven starts, hopping up off of the ground cautiously, but all it takes to silence her is a glare from me.
“Don’t-don’t talk to me,” I snap at her, feeling light headed as I start to sway, “I-I need some air…”
I stumble out into the darkness of the night, seeing the flicker of the fire in the middle of the campground. I hobble towards the gates of the fence before making my way outside of them. I find myself falling against a tree for support, leaning over to take as big of breath as I can to calm myself down.
I weep as I recount the dream in my head, knowing that it wasn’t a dream, instead being a memory. I fall to the ground in anguish, clutching the sides of my head as if it’ll help me forget the awful memories.
-
Bellamy had hurried out of his tent as soon as he heard the screaming, even though he knew exactly where it was coming from. He makes it in time to see Y/N running out of the tent and outside of the fence, only to see Raven pop out afterwards in worry.
“What happened here?” Bellamy asks, coming to a stop besides Raven. He knew he couldn’t go after Y/N, he’d only make it worse, but at least he could figure out what’s happening, “Is she alright?”
“Of course she’s not alright,” Raven snaps at him before sighing immediately afterwards, rubbing her hands through her hair, “She’s getting worse. Whatever the grounders did to her, it wasn’t good.”
She looks up at him solemnly, her eyes filling with sadness, “I honestly don’t know if she’s going to recover from this. I’m-I’m trying to do whatever I can, but it’s affecting her sleep now.”
Bellamy looks over to where Y/N last was, seeing nothing but darkness. But he can still hear her, her break down loud and clear throughout the night.
“I never should’ve left her,” he whispers eventually, his voice breaking at the end, “This is my fault that she’s like this.”
Raven couldn’t say anything to make him feel better, because honestly? She’s thought the same. “You’re not the only one to blame,” she eventually offers, looking towards the fence, “were you the one she least expected to leave? Yeah, probably, but you weren’t the only one to.”
Bellamy shakes his head, wanting so badly to run after Y/N, “I don’t know how to make this better.”
Raven looks at him with a scowl, “You can’t.”
-
Eventually my breathing slows down a bit, but I can’t stop from the tears from flowing. My thoughts and memories were slowly destroying me. I tried not the think, but the silence was a killer too. I just want to be able to sleep without dreaming, and live without thinking, but the only way that’s possible is if I am dead. I just feel so empty…
My head grows foggy with the thought, and my hand fumbles to the waistband of my jeans. I feel the cold metal graze my fingertips, and I swallow.
Ever since I came back to the camp, I’ve gotten into the habit of sleeping with a gun on me. It used to help me sleep in the beginning, but now it seemed to be only a reminder that I’m the one saving myself. I always have, and always will.
I pull it out into the open, the moonlight dancing off of it. I stare at it for a while, checking to see if I had even put any bullets into it last night. I did.
I stare ahead of me into the forest, flinching slightly as I hear the click of the gun in my hand as I turn the safety off. I reach down with my other hand and load the gun, my hands shaky.
Then all I can focus on is the feeling of the coldness of the barrel of the gun pressing against my temples. I close my eyes, tears dripping off of my cheeks. My hands shake even more, and I’m sure I’m bruising my skin with how hard I’m pressing the metal against myself.
“Fuck!” I yell out, pulling the gun down and into my lap as I bawl. I drop the gun onto the ground as if touching it felt like fire, and I put my head into my hands.
I don’t know why I changed my mind, because I really hadn’t. I still had the feeling of not wanting to be here anymore, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. No matter how angry I am at everything, no matter how little there is left for me, I can’t do it.
I wipe my tears away with the back of my hand, taking a final breath before standing up. I unload the gun and slide it back into my waistband, instead taking out the knife I use for hunting. I wasn’t ready to go back into the camp yet, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t be useful.
I walk further and further away from the camp, my fist clutching the knife in case I see something, whether it be a grounder or an animal. I was going to be ready.
-
It’s early afternoon by the time I make it back to the camp, and immediately I can hear the gunners at their posts yelling for people to open the gate.
The first voice I recognize is Raven, “Y/N, I’ve been worried. Where have you-”
I watch blankly as her eyes widen, and she subconsciously takes a step back from me. I drop the tarp in hand that carries a plethora of dead animals, and I wipe my blood coated knife onto my already red-stained pants.
“Dinner’s here,” I mumble, the skin on my body feeling tight as it pulls against the dried blood that coats it, “I’ll be washing up.”
“What’s happening to you, Y/N? You’ve never been able to kill an animal without feeling sick,” Raven says with a look of exasperation, but all I send her is a glare as I stalk throughout the camp. I can see Bellamy and Clarke talking by the dropship, glancing over at my state every now and again, giving me worried looks. This just sparks a new anger inside of me, and I bump into their shoulders harshly as I pass them.
The moment I get to the tent that we use to hold the water to wash up, I close my eyes with a sigh. I look down at my reflection, barely able to notice who it is. Specks of blood litter my face and neck, and I know my clothes are ruined. My hair falls in tangles around my face, and the strands are coated red as well.
I bring my hands up towards the water, but before I can dip them in, I relish in the feeling of finally having blood on me that isn’t mine. And that scared me… I brush away the thought as I submerge my hands, the water instantly turning a pale pink in response.
I’ve become someone else, someone that no one recognizes. Someone that even I don’t recognize.
(PART 4)
