Just got the news that the most senior in our residency decided to quit. For circumstances beyond his control, he is now in his 5th year in the department then one day he woke up and that's the only thing set in his mind.
That scared me, to stay for that long and just abandon it like you haven't given your effort, sweat, and tears on that training/job for the past, hello? Five years! But I admire his courage for doing that, perhaps he felt like whatever he is doing does not serve him anymore and does not contribute to his growth as a person, or his career and he just cut it out of his life before it will exhaust him.
Which then brought me to my quitting ideations, ever since 3rd month of residency I wanted to quit already, because of an issue that was blown up into something big and everyone somehow got involved that I had to write a letter of explanation, and breaking down in front of everybody in the residents room, and in front of that junior consultant who made me a bait for her gambiting. I broke down for weeks. Core memory event right there. For some dumb reason I stayed. I loved working with my other senior friends, I loved the interaction I have with patients, I loved the place, and I took pride to belong. (Actually, I was scared to go back in my hometown and be a disappointment to everybody who supported me in my journey all the while I haven't gotten any salary YET from that hospital) Everyday thereafter was a journey to prove myself that I wasn't the person they judged me to be based on my psychological exams. That fucked me up. To be judged based on the things I wrote there.
Even when things got okay somehow, it seems like I am becoming the boy who cried wolf to my boyfriend's eyes because everyday was like "mag quit na ko, ayaw ko na" and still be there the next day doing my shit like I just did not have a panic attack the night before that. Even considered speaking up about it to my seniors but I have this thing with proving myself and having tough persona in the department.
It was tough being the only legit first year doing admin work because my batchmate allegedly is bad with computer stuff and half the year she was gone for a training and basically, I was the only one doing the first year stuff (nothing new, felt like that even when she was there anyway). Wanted to get out of there so bad, I talked to a friend doing PGIship in a davao hospital to ask about psych residency there, but found out I have to do first year all over again if I wanna transfer, which sucks because I don't want to do that shit for another year (but I'm still seriously considering even when I'm halfway thru 2nd year and just done with my training in military) but it will also be sad to leave the work friends I made along the way who made residency life so much easier. Letting go seems like something out of my niche jud HAHA or maybe staying in a traumatic environment is something is my learned helplessness kicking in (my childhood saying "you're welcome" in the background)
I did not have my salary until November of that year which really broke me because I can't even do the things that make me happy or eat the foods that will rejuvenate my spirit. Which got me dependent on my boyfriend A LOT. He was like basically taking care of a kid, me, the whiny-angry-irritable-needs-comforting-a-lot kid. Maybe that's why he got tired of me and then the self-pity kicked in and I was just lost and autopilot was on. my patients going back to being psychotic like I am close to being one or was one. (Disoriented? Hearing voices? Wanted to jump off the seventh floor while interviewing an ongoing referral? Yup, that me.)
I'm staring at everything that happened for the past year and so and it kind of made me glad I survived that shit. I remember jokingly voicing out everyday I wanted to quit whenever I am in the residency room and one time I got super late for two consecutive days (when I found out my boyf was cheating on me) with swollen eyes and all. The second day, my seniors clapped when I entered the residents room and gave me man a small hug congratulating me for not giving in to my quitting ideations. Which was comforting even when they did not know the personal stuff I was going through. That gave me the energy to face my patients for that day. Rhose little inside jokes with them "see u tomorrow... I guess?" "Congrats, di tayo nag quit today" "see you in hell" "those kind of humor we get to do made somehow my life a little lighter. To know we are all in the same fucked up hell of a training and still staying for the sake of taking care of other people and proving people that we are capable of the things they thought we can't do.
My residency is bittersweet. I stayed there for a stupid reason-I want to have a proper and not LDR kind of a relationship with someone I was just starting to know. Now, I'm staying there because I want to help people I am just starting to know and want to know about.
What do I know? I'm barely just scratching the surface. I barely just started 2nd year. I hope I don't lose the tiny spark I have. The fact that I'm still afraid of losing that means I still want to continue doing this despite how exhausting this thing is.