#resultstomorrow

[girlmomgoals]

The aftermath #GirlMomGoals #ArtWithKids #AcrylicPour #2020DistanceLearning #ResultsTomorrow https://www.instagram.com/p/B94rJMWgX9D/?igshid=bmwlqwwcfdx4

[stupidgoodphotos]

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There's been a disturbance in the force. LEDs out powering the highest power HIDs. True HighPower LED modules for headlights are almost a reality. This will be an interesting comparison. 5000K 45W LED vs CBO 50W XB5Five. #ResultsTomorrow #HIDoingItRight #honda #led #hid #Benchmarking #IL4Spec #InlineFour #BrightAsHell (at Inline Four)

[ncytophobist]

ok so because its hit me about tomorrow Im gonna rant about school and how I struggled. I feel like I owe it to my younger self. So I'm gonna talk about some personal stuff, sorry 

Schools always been the shittiest place. I love learning and I love education but the the way its done is fucked up and it fucks a lot of people up. From the beginning of school, when I was 4, I had anxiety. Back then it was separation anxiety, but because the teachers couldn't deal with it and instead just got annoyed and thought they'd shout at me to shut up already, it spiraled into this crazy problem to which I suffered with until the end of year 11.  I'm the sort of person that cries when they have a strong surge of emotion: anger, embarrassment, happiness, gratefulness, sadness, all of it. So going to school meant I'd have buckets full of negative emotion, meaning I'd cry. A lot.

When I first began in year 7 and high school, that was when weight became such a big issue that my whole life revolved around it. Throughout primary school I'd never thought twice about it, not unless someone would mention it but I was too happy with myself to care. But afterwards, because of all the new people and because of certain comments a certain person made, I became the ugliest thing I felt like had ever seen. I had stretch marks on my hips and thighs, and I had acne, because of puberty. I thought it was normal until it was pointed out. Now I know it was normal. But at the time I felt alienated. The school did nothing with sex ed classes, no one explained that it was just puberty. No one would ever talk about it with each other, either, so when we were all going through it I thought I was the only one.

I became so aware of all my flaws that I saw nothing else. I swore other people looked at me and saw only flaws, too. The majority of friends I've had growing up have struggled with anorexia, I loved them to pieces so I of course stuck with them and supported them, but every time they looked at me I felt like they were looking at their worst nightmare

Then, in year nine, the anxiety and the pressure developed physical health problems, which increased in number right up until i finished my very last exam in year 11. I shatter under pressure so by the end i was a complete mess. I already had a number of mental health problems which my mum was struggling to deal with, I had no self confidence or assurance, and it got to the point where i was regularly planning suicide. I put my best friend through a lot of shit with it and now I feel so incredibly guilty for putting her through that.

School never really cared. I had a few teachers who would keep me behind and listen as i broke down. I owe a lot to them. The whole michael gove situation that hit my year made things about ten times worse too, but because we've now all had an "embarassingly big dip in results" and they've realised they've fucked us over, the grade boundaries have been lowered as a way of saying "you cant all fail it'll look to bad on us" . 

I've been out of school for about 2 months now. Already I'm a completely different person. I have confidence. I like myself. I dont feel like a waste of resources anymore. 

But tomorrow could very easily go either way. I was predicted As and Bs for all my subjects, but the exam process wasn't handled properly. I was brought out of two exams for anxiety attacks and did the rest of my exams in a separate room. I could have so easily failed, but failing isn't the part I'm worrying about rn. its letting down the teachers who were adamant I'd do well, especially my history teacher.

again, sorry for the rant, I just never thought I'd make it to this point in my life and now I'm here, completely done with school, I had to write it all out.