Chaos reverting to harmony
This story starts in grey. This story starts in one of those long winters that seem to never break into spring.
When i decided to learn about Islam i was barely aware of myself. I only knew that I was searching. I was searching in stars, in chaos, into the fire, in the mirror. I was trying to complete the Puzzle but nothing seemed to fit. I was feeling that with every step I take forward another part of me is lost in the darkness.
This is what my family was forced to watch: my darkness, my victories that were only bringing me ever closer to madness, my falls, my insecurities, my self damnation.
My father died when I was five years old. The rest of my life i idealized his image. I love him, even though, through time, he became another lost piece of the Puzzle that I was searching for desperately.
My mother has been in a few relationships afterwards and one day she found someone. Later on, this man moved in with us. I wanted things to work so she would be happy, but I don.t think that I ever accepted his presence in our life completely.
When I started learning about Islam I wanted to share some things that I was reading about with mother. That meant that her partner was aware of these things as well. The relationship between me and him was very tensed already. My interest in Islam gave us farther motive to come to arguments.
We were fighting often times on religious subjects, to the point where we would both stand up from the table, crush whatever we had in front of us and yell at each other. Every mistake I was making had its roots in the things I was reading about Islam, in their eyes. Mother was not taking sides. I could see that these conflicts were breaking her. I knew that her relationship with God was very important for her and her partners views on the subject were leaving her with a cold feeling. I also knew that she saw my interest in Islam as betrayal.
In the beginning, interaction between us was really difficult. We were mostly avoiding the topic and trying to not fire up a conflict yet again. Still, the provoking and teasing went on for months.
The mistake was mine and it took me a long time to see and accept it. I was feeding the negative emotions through the way I was seeing life, the way I was acting and the way I was reacting. I only realized this after researching deeper in the faith, reading the Quran and The Life of the Prophet (pbuh). Then I understood that my attitude was poisoning my family, bringing all this negativity inside our home. My loss of patience and empathy was the one harming us all. I failed to see that they were worried, that they wanted to protect me, that they did not know anything about Islam. Islam was only bringing them fear and confusion through the things they were learning about in the media. I failed to understand that. I was too focused on rage and proving I was right...and trying to protect what I was starting to love.
When I have opened my eyes, it terrified me. This girl that was always acting entitled, showing complete disrespect to everyone, hurting the people that loved her the most...she was on the ground.
I remember looking at myself in the mirror for a long time before punching my own reflection and asking myself:* who do you worship?*
I was broken for some time. But that is always a good place to start all over again. I wanted to change. I wanted to make it easy. I wanted to understand.
Afterwards every time i had the chance to spend time with my family i tried to listen more. My focus was which are the things that are common between my beliefs and theirs and which are the things that make them feel uncomfortable about Islam. My mother could relate easily with most of the teachings of Islam. The problems she was having were particularly hijab and the role of women in muslim families. Once we identified these fears we tried speaking openly about them and solving what was bothering her. I can say that after these talks she opened up a lot more towards Islam alhamdulillah. After some time we were able to talk about fasting, the Prophets and sufism. I seriously loved those talks alhamdulillah.
The relationship between her partner and I became more peaceful as well. We still had a few fights but we tried to use the energy and change it into something positive. It took quite some time but alhamdulillah we were able to step over the differences in beliefs.
I figured that another thing that was bothering them was me not being involved in activities with them such as eating or drinking some food, watching certain movies, traveling long distances( because it was making it difficult for me to find places to pray), going to the beach, going out after maghrib etc. The solution was to get involved in other activities or find a halal version of the things they wanted. So often times i would cook dinner, plan surprise parties at home, have movie and game nights at home, go training together in the mountains nearby and so on.
Slowly, i was learning through them to have patience and to not answer on impulse (which i would often times do). I was learning when it is good to stand for what i believe and when silence was the wiser option. I was learning to give up my ego and find compromise.
I was discovering this Light that I have been seeking for such a long time. And my heart slowly found peace. Many things changed within me. I have found myself not being drawn to the same things and not hoping for the same things. I did not want to satisfy myself anymore. There was no satisfaction in this freedom of mine. I wanted to please Allah and while i was taking my first steps towards Him, I could finally feel true freedom. Suddenly everything around gained a new meaning and all the grey that covered my eyes until then was overpowered by colors. Yes, these colors were dancing in front of my eyes, all signs directing to Him. Suddenly all these things that obsessed me and enslaved me during the years vanished and all that I could see was You. You are the melody that brings colors in my life. You are the dreams I hope for. You are what I.ve been searching for in all those broken mirrors. You. And that is enough. And whenever something brings me down i am reminded to take myself away, close all the lights and reach to You.
