Im terrified right now.
He got arrested the other night for a DWI and he JUST had court for shoplifting and he got 6 months suspended. He's on probation already, and he's on very thin ice.
I know he sounds like a fuck up, but he's not the same person he was when we got together. Back then he was a soulless fuck boy who didn't care about anyone but himself and he was in and out of jail more times than I can count. He did 2 1/2 years and when he got out, we fucked up in the beginning by getting high but then he got arrested. After that we decided to stop fucking around with our future and grow up.
We got sober. We got jobs. We got a vehicle. We got our own apartment. We were doing so well. Our hours were getting cut at our jobs and we could barely afford to survive, and we ended up losing the apartment. We moved in with my sister, and that's when I found out about his drinking problem - or better yet how bad it was. I told him he needs to quit and stop fucking around with his freedom, and he actually ended up in the hospital due to alcoholic hepatitis. So he stopped... For a while.
Being sober and doing the right thing is a foreign concept to him. I mean his parents were smoking crack while driving with him and his little sister in the back seat. His dad was an alcoholic and his mom was an alcoholic junkie. He didn't exactly have the best role models when he was growing up. I don't know why he started drinking, but I knew we needed to find the reason and fix it before something bad happened.
Unfortunately we were too late. All day the other day I felt in my bones that something was going to happen. It was such an overwhelming feeling I can't even explain it. I knew that it was going to happen that day- I don't even know how. I texted him a few times telling him how much I love him and telling him that if he has to drink, not to drink too much. I told him that I can't imagine my life without him, and he is my everything.
He was on his way home, and then I got the call. He told me he was in the back of a police car and he's going to jail. I panicked. Our entire future flashed before my eyes. Everything that we have worked for is for nothing now. All the blood, sweat and tears mean nothing now. There is no way he's not doing time for this. And I can't talk to him about it because he already hates himself and is terrified of the outcome. Obviously I'm mad, but I'm scared too. I'm scared for him, I'm scared for me. I'm scared of our future being on the line now because I can't afford the apartment by myself. And my sister wants us out by this month. And if he does have to go to jail, my heart will hurt for him. He's been doing so well, (besides the drinking) and he's come so far. The last thing he needs is to be in jail.
I just don't know what the future holds anymore and I'm so scared. Everything is in question now and it's a terribly uncomfortable place to be in. I want to scream "I TOLD YOU TO STOP DRINKING BECAUSE THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!!!" but that won't fix anything. He knows what he did was wrong and he hates himself for all of it. I just hope he learned his lesson for real this time.
What am I going to do without him? He's my everything. He's my other half. I'm not just saying that either. Him and I are like two parts that make a whole. When we're together, we share the same brain. We're like copies of each other. I love that man more than Ive ever loved another man. He's my best friend, he knows things about me that I've never shared with anyone. And I'm not just talking about secrets. Im talking about how he knows my body language, my brain, and everything else. He's my protector, my teddy bear, my partner. I need him.
Im terrified.
