Heathers headspace

I'm new to this, but I've always wanted to see what it was about.

[hazardousheather]

So theres this person at my work who has it out for me....

Im gonna call him Evan. Evan has had a problem with me since the first minute he saw me. When I went in for my interview, he looked at the person that was interviewing me and laughed. Then when I was training with him, he gave me an attitude like he thought he was better than me.

We're allowed to bring our speakers to work because we play music while we are In the rooms with the dogs (I work at a doggy daycare). One day I had my speaker, and it wasn't any louder than I usually have it- and over the walkie talkie, Evan says "you need to turn your music down, I shouldn't hear it from the hallway" and then a couple weeks later- I'm walking down the hallway and not only can I hear his music, I could hear it so clearly that I could hear the lyrics.

There was another time where I forgot to leave my phone out in the phone cubby outside of our room, but I didn't TOUCH my phone the whole shift. It was just in my pocket. So as I'm leaving, in front of EVERYONE he goes "if I catch your phone in the room again I'm writing you up" . Fast forward a month or so, and I totally forgot to leave my phone in the cubby. But it was in my hoodie pocket, which I left on the counter and DIDNT TOUCH. At the end of my shift, one of my managers told me that I got written up and I needed to sign something - and guess who wrote me up? None other than Evan himself.

I'm a polite person, so I say please and thank you when it's necessary. If he is the one to come watch my room for me while I take my break, I always say thank you. If he holds a door open for me, I say thank you. And you know what he says? Nothing.

He has his favorites, and I'm clearly not one of them. I honestly don't care about that - my problem is the lack of respect, and his judgemental ways. I've never even had a real conversation with the dude, and he hates me because of the judgement that HE came up with. I don't expect, or even want everyone to like me, but at my place of work- I deserve respect.

So I've decided to be petty and play the game back. The other day when I went to work, I left my phone in my purse and I put my vapes in my back pocket to make it look like I had it. I saw him check the cubby too. When he held the door open for me, I walked right through and didn't acknowledge his existence. He confronted me and said "I better not catch you with your phone in the room or..." To which I cut him off and said "I don't have my phone in the room." And walked away. Then as I was getting ready to leave- he goes " from now on, leave your phone in the cubby so when people go to look they know it's there and not on you" and I said " ok, if that will make YOU feel better " and I'm obviously not going to do it.

Idk what this dudes problem is- but I can't talk to anyone about it because he's a manager that's dating another manager. So I can't go to anyone and tell them that he's singling me out and being a dick to me for NO REASON. Not that I'd want to anyways, but it's crazy and he makes me uncomfortable.

I don't know what to do, but I need to find more ways to be petty and not get fired.

That's all.

[hazardousheather]

It really makes me sad for people who believe in and live their life for god.

It's a bit tragic, really. These individuals have placed their faith in a belief system that, while comforting to some, limits their potential. They spend their lives yearning for a future that does not exist, rather than making the most of the present. It's a reminder of the power of belief and the human capacity for hope, even when it's misplaced.

It's like they're living in a real-life fantasy novel. They pray to a sky wizard, hoping for divine intervention in their daily lives. I mean, who wouldn't want a magical being to solve all their problems? It's a bit like wishing on a shooting star, except they do it every day, multiple times a day.

Every week, they gather in their sacred halls to belt out hymns and petition an invisible sky-father. They offer up their hard-earned cash to a select few who, in turn, interpret ancient texts for them. It's a truly magical ritual, it's like something out of a story book.

They think this sky wizard can fix anything! From a stubbed toe to world hunger, he's got it covered. And somehow, people end up fighting and killing each other in his name. It's like a really bad superhero movie, except the superhero is invisible and the villains are real. And the idea of a heaven and hell? That's straight out of a bad sci-fi novel. I mean, when you die, it's lights out, show's over. No encore, no curtain call. Just eternal darkness, or eternal bliss, depending on how well you prayed. Sounds riveting.

Maybe some folks just can't handle the cosmic joke that is existence. The idea of a big, fat zero at the end of it all? Too much for them. They need a happy ending, a reward for all their suffering. So, they invent a magical land in the sky, where fluffy clouds and golden streets await. I guess you could say they're not strong enough for the truth. They prefer a good old-fashioned fairy tale.

They believe that a dude was born

From a virgin

They think a guy named Jesus, who was nailed to a piece of wood and then came back to life a week later, is going to save them from the apocalypse. They believe in a talking snake, a flood that covered the entire planet, and a dude who lived inside a whale. Oh, and let's not forget the guy who built a giant boat and rounded up two of every animal, including dinosaurs! And they think the more money you have, the more God likes you. It's like a really bizarre, real-life fantasy novel.

I don't believe in anything. Not god, not Satan, not astrology, not magic, not ghosts. Nothing. I'm too much of a realist to believe in anything. I wish I had an imagination though. You have to have some sort of an imagination to believe in something like that. I truly envy people who believe in magic and ghosts and stuff like that. I wish I could, but I just know it's not real.

Idk, that's my rant. I'm not dissing anyone who believes in god. All the more power to you. I'm just stating my perspective. I'm sure there would be people who would love to tell me how wrong I am and bla bla bla- but lucky for me, no one sees my page. So yep.

[hazardousheather]

Im terrified right now.

He got arrested the other night for a DWI and he JUST had court for shoplifting and he got 6 months suspended. He's on probation already, and he's on very thin ice.

I know he sounds like a fuck up, but he's not the same person he was when we got together. Back then he was a soulless fuck boy who didn't care about anyone but himself and he was in and out of jail more times than I can count. He did 2 1/2 years and when he got out, we fucked up in the beginning by getting high but then he got arrested. After that we decided to stop fucking around with our future and grow up.

We got sober. We got jobs. We got a vehicle. We got our own apartment. We were doing so well. Our hours were getting cut at our jobs and we could barely afford to survive, and we ended up losing the apartment. We moved in with my sister, and that's when I found out about his drinking problem - or better yet how bad it was. I told him he needs to quit and stop fucking around with his freedom, and he actually ended up in the hospital due to alcoholic hepatitis. So he stopped... For a while.

Being sober and doing the right thing is a foreign concept to him. I mean his parents were smoking crack while driving with him and his little sister in the back seat. His dad was an alcoholic and his mom was an alcoholic junkie. He didn't exactly have the best role models when he was growing up. I don't know why he started drinking, but I knew we needed to find the reason and fix it before something bad happened.

Unfortunately we were too late. All day the other day I felt in my bones that something was going to happen. It was such an overwhelming feeling I can't even explain it. I knew that it was going to happen that day- I don't even know how. I texted him a few times telling him how much I love him and telling him that if he has to drink, not to drink too much. I told him that I can't imagine my life without him, and he is my everything.

He was on his way home, and then I got the call. He told me he was in the back of a police car and he's going to jail. I panicked. Our entire future flashed before my eyes. Everything that we have worked for is for nothing now. All the blood, sweat and tears mean nothing now. There is no way he's not doing time for this. And I can't talk to him about it because he already hates himself and is terrified of the outcome. Obviously I'm mad, but I'm scared too. I'm scared for him, I'm scared for me. I'm scared of our future being on the line now because I can't afford the apartment by myself. And my sister wants us out by this month. And if he does have to go to jail, my heart will hurt for him. He's been doing so well, (besides the drinking) and he's come so far. The last thing he needs is to be in jail.

I just don't know what the future holds anymore and I'm so scared. Everything is in question now and it's a terribly uncomfortable place to be in. I want to scream "I TOLD YOU TO STOP DRINKING BECAUSE THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!!!" but that won't fix anything. He knows what he did was wrong and he hates himself for all of it. I just hope he learned his lesson for real this time.

What am I going to do without him? He's my everything. He's my other half. I'm not just saying that either. Him and I are like two parts that make a whole. When we're together, we share the same brain. We're like copies of each other. I love that man more than Ive ever loved another man. He's my best friend, he knows things about me that I've never shared with anyone. And I'm not just talking about secrets. Im talking about how he knows my body language, my brain, and everything else. He's my protector, my teddy bear, my partner. I need him.

Im terrified.

[hazardousheather]

Today is the "anniversary" of the day that my now fiancee got caught red handed cheating on me.

I went through his phone the night before while he was taking a nap because I saw his ex's name pop up and I wanted to know what the hell she wanted. So I go into his messages and he's talking to like 5 different girls. He's telling them that him and I aren't together and he's doing what he has to do right now. He was telling them he missed them and he wishes they were there. And he was telling this one girl that he loves her and he really wanted to be with her. So I confronted him obviously, and like the true narcissist he was HE got mad at ME for going through his phone while he was asleep. (He had previously told me that I could go through his phone whenever I wanted because he has nothing to hide, and he took a lot of pride in that) I reminded him that he told me that it was okay to which he told me that it was okay, but not while he was asleep. So we got in a huge fight, I ended up apologizing and he stormed out.

I tried to kill myself that night. I walked to the 7/11 across the street. (We were living at the ocean front in hotels) I got a box of sleeping pills, and when I got back to my room I took all of them. There were 16, and I took every last one. I must admit, I was sort of a raging drug addict back then. I was shooting heroin/fentanyl and meth all day long. It was gonna take a lot to take me out. So I'm crying hysterically and I'm looking out the window waiting for him to come back, and I see him walk up the parking lot, up the stairs, and run quickly to the room right next to ours.

I called him so many times until he answered. He told me that his friend had already been staying in the room next two hours and he needed some time to cool off so he was going to hang out there for a while. It didn't feel right, I knew something was off. I spent the entire night begging him to take me back and to come back to our room. He ignored me. When the sun started to come up, I hit up his best friend at the time so I could get some dope. I went to his room, told him what was happening and he told me that I should leave him and he's been playing me the whole time. So with this knowledge we walked back to our room, when finally river decided to come too. He was sitting on the couch when we got there, and then him and his friend went in the back room to talk alone. And then I noticed it, his phone sitting on the floor next to the couch. Technically he was awake right? So I took my chance, I went outside and I started reading the messages. " I love you " quote I really really want to be with you, please why won't you be with me? " Quote please come over, I really want to see you " he was begging this girl to come see him while I was in the room next door trying to kill myself.

He noticed that he didn't have his phone and he came running out, but it was too late. I threw his phone down and I collapsed crying. He couldn't deny it at that point.

[hazardousheather]

Still waiting to hear back from the apartment. I really want to move in this place. And we have to find somewhere by December because that's the time limit we have. I need something good to happen to me. Shit him and I need something good to happen. It's been a while since we've had good luck, so I hope were due for some 🍀🤞🏻

[hazardousheather]

So mine and my fiancee's anniversary is on 11/12 and his birthday is the next day. Last year I didn't get him anything because our rent was so high we had to choose paying the rent over everything. And I mean everything. We had to choose between rent, food, and gas and 99% of the time, we chose rent. But we still got evicted.

So this year, I'm surprising him big time. He has no idea what I've done and what I've gotten him. I got us a night at a hotel so we can really celebrate 😜 and then for his birthday, I got him the hoodie hes wanted for over a year. I can't wait to surprise him, he's going to love it!

He has come so far in the past 6 years. He went from being a downright fuck boy, to being the most important man in my life. He used to be a game playing, drug doing, disrespectful little boy, to a caring, strong, and mature man. And I am so proud of him. I'm so grateful that I get to spend the rest of my life with him. I wish everyone could find their person. Its a feeling like no other. I feel complete, and that in itself is such a great feeling 🖤

[hazardousheather]

I found an apartment that I fell in love with. Id give everything to call that place home. I really hope everything works out because we don't have very long before we have to be out of where we're at now.

This apartment is perfect. My son can come live with me, and my animals would love it too. I can just really see myself living there for a long time. And river loves it too. He wants it just as bad as I do! I hope things work out. We're not used to things going right, so we don't have very much faith that this will be any different. It sure would be cool to live there though. It's a loft style apartment with an industrial feel, it's perfect. I've never had an apartment that nice, and if we move in- I can assure you that I will always keep that place super clean.

I can just see us celebrating Christmas here. Having people over for dinner, watching movies with my son, doing the laundry, decorating for Halloween... I can see it all. This place SCREAMS home to me.

I need positive vibes. Maybe a spell too. I'm not even kidding. I really want to call this place home 🖤

[hazardousheather]

This is princess peach .

I love her so much 🖤 id give everything to be able to keep her.

[hazardousheather]

This is my cactus. His name is Hank 😀

[hazardousheather]

I'm new to this, but i see a lot of people making blogs and that's definitely what I want to do! So stay tuned, and watch my rollercoaster of a life 🖤