Would you Fall in Love With Me Again | Jeonghan
— being young and inlove, the easiest thing you could ever do with jeonghan, but the fantasy ended when shit happened
Jeonghan x Reader | Angst
Warnings: mentions of death and killings
a/n: aray, it just hurts to write this. imma write more LMAO
20 years. It was this exact date 20 years ago when both you and Jeonghan wed.
People talked. At the young age of 20, you two were sure of each other. With love, hope, and dreams together, that is all it takes to build a home. Home, even though the roof was leaking, the doors were squeaking, windows barely closed, it was a small house but filled with love.
Jeonghan was a charming man. You noticed how he has these sharp yet soft features on him, which invites you to look at him more, which makes you notice he has these kind eyes, which immediately left you with a remarkable impression when you first met him. His eyes did not lie; he was the kindest man you ever met in your life.
It was him who approached you first. You were reading your favorite book with a piece of heliotropes as your bookmark under the Narra tree. You can remember clear as the skies that day how the sun reflected the sunshine on his fair skin, looking at you intently, nervously fidgeting the thumb of his intertwined fingers. With so much courage, he spoke.
“I’m Jeonghan.” 16-year-old Jeonghan was nervous in front of a woman for the first time in his life. Gulping the nervousness, he closed his eyes and professed his love. “I wanted to let you know that ever since I saw you under this tree, you were beautiful back then… Up until now!” he stuttered. “You caught my eye, and you made my heart your own.” Taking a deep breath, gathering all his last bit of courage, he finally locked eyes with you.
“Would you please give me a chance and prove my worth to you?” His heart was beating fast, and anxiousness was taking over him. Putting the book down and descry, you looked into his eyes and saw only sincerity. After that day, he visited you under the same Narra every day without fail. And without fail, you fell inlove.
Being inlove with Jeonghan was easy. He had a smile that heals everything, he was the gentlest man you love, and he was the kindest man you know. Jeonghan may be complex as a person, yet it complements him very well, making you love him more. He shows his love in very different ways. Sometimes he teases you playfully up until you sulk which he will immediately use to his advantage to shower you with his love by leaving playful kisses all over you until you show him his favorite smile of yours. Or when he hugs you from behind and sings you a song in your ears while you cook a meal for both of you. Or when he is just there beside you even on the quiet or chaotic days.
Even after the marriage, after he vowed in front of everyone you cherished the most and with his ring placed on his fingers and heliotropes in your hands, he vowed for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, he will put priority on you, and he will love you perpetually. He was the peace you never knew you would feel, he embodies the same comforting breeze under the same Narra tree you met him with.
One day, you were informed that the Narra tree will be taken down a week from now. You weeping was an understatement. That same tree holds the memory of you meeting Jeonghan, it witnessed how your love bloomed like a bud of a flower into a beautiful heliotropes. Jeonghan held you throughout. He was, too, dejected with the news. He can still clearly remember how gorgeous you looked under the tree, how focused you were with your book, how you glowed, and how the wind blew through your hair – making you ravishingly beautiful. He cannot bear to lose that sight again.
Tomorrow morning, he intentionally visit Mr. Pecker. He is the one who owns the land, who plans to rent it out; that’s why the Narra tree will be cut down.
“Mr. Yoon. Good to see you. How is married life treating you?” He asked.
“Mr. Pecker, the wife treats me well.” He answered with enthusiasm. “What will you do with the chopped wood of Narra on that pot of land?”
“I haven’t thought of that,” he paused, thinking of what the use of the piece of wood is for them. “Mostly nothing, I may plan to give it away. It’s a nice lumber.” Mr. Pecker said. Jeonghan smiled with the thought of what he could do with the lumber of that memorable tree.
“Could you perhaps give it to me then? I’ll even give you some extra cash for it,” He negotiated.
“Young man,” the old man laughed, “I can give it to you for free. It’s a good thing you show some eagerness to have it.”
After Jeonghan had the lumber by then, he immediately went straight after his work to make you a nice, big, sturdy bed using that tree. It was a routine for him, you making his packed lunch for his work, clock in, do work, clock out, and go straight to his small workshop. It took you a short time to notice that he had been going home later than usual. You really don’t want to think of bad things about Jeonghan; he has been the sweetest guy you ever met. He will never do things that will hurt you. Instead, you waited patiently for him to come home. Sitting on the small patio in front of your house with hot tea, you held to combat the cold breeze that is hitting your skin. And there you have it, you saw a familiar figure walking towards you with the same familiar smile plastered all over his face. You set your mug aside and quickly welcomed your husband with a warm hug, contradicting the cold exposed skin of his.
“Welcome home,” you said, burying your face deep in his chest. You felt a small peck of a kiss on top of your head and heard his low register voice replying, “Thank you for waiting for me.” You two held the pose for a bit and when you let go, he asked what you were still doing under the cold night still waiting for him. Giving a warm smile, you replied, “I was waiting for my husband.”
“God, I am so lucky to have you,” chuckling to his response, you invited him inside, offering him a cup of the same tea you were enjoying before him. Which he gladly accepts. It took you a cup of tea to catch up with the day of each other. Seeing you smile makes Jeonghan work hard for his gift for you.
At the first year of your anniversary, you work up with Jeonghan’s face up close, gazing your face. “What?” you titter. “You have eye boogers over here. I’ve been wanting to remove them, but you were sleeping like a baby.” You playfully hit him and rose from your bed, but your movements had halted with his arms around you, burying you deep into your sheets.
“Happy anniversary,” he said and reached out to leave a peck of a kiss on your lips that made you smile. You extend your hand over his cheeks, and he instinctively left a chaste kiss and pulled him into a kiss. It was a gentle kiss that expressed your devotion to him. It was a moment for both of you, sharing a gentle reminder of your love for each other.
“I have something for you,” he said, beaming in excitement.
“What is it?” You asked.
“I wouldn’t be surprised if I revealed it, am I right?” After that, he was gone for half of the day, you were confused why, but trusted your man. Instead, while you wait for him, you cooked a nice meal for both of you to commemorate a year of love with the man you love the most.
Afternoon arrives, and you see your man outside your door with his buddies heaving a gigantic bed towards your direction. “Oh my!” you said.
Placing it down, panting, Jeonghan said, “Surprise!” Even with the evident exhaustion, he is still smiling.
“What is this for?!” You exclaimed with a subtle smile on your face that Jeonghan definitely did not miss making his heart flutter.
“For you”
“For me?”
“Yes, the same Narra tree that was taken down. It's for you. For us. For the memory that was witnessed by this wood. I carefully carved those heliotropes you loved the most!” Jeonghan said proud of himself.
You jumped towards him in bliss and cried on his arms, whispering, “Thank you, thank you, thank you,” repeatedly. You were so sure you would never see the tree ever again but seeing it now turned into your bed makes you fall in love with your considerate husband even more.
That night after the meal you two shared, you two were under the fresh sheets on top of the carefully carved bed that he made. He was true to his words; the heliotropes you loved the most were evident in every shape in your headboard.
“Jeonghan, I love it so much,” you squealed. You two took a moment looking and touching the varnished heliotropes that represent your love for him; eternal love and devotion. Just perfect in how you see him as your lover. He then breaks the silence.
“Did having a kid ever cross your mind?” he asked.
“Why?” you replied.
“I did think of a small child running around our home that both of us will raise and share our love with.” It took you a minute to reply. Having a kid with Jeonghan never crossed your mind; marrying him feels like it happened yesterday. But his expressing his desire to have a kid of his own, it made you think. Maybe it would be the same as loving Jeonghan; it would be easy. Ofcourse the logistics of having a child– that’s hard. But with Jeonghan, nothing will ever be hard with him by your side.
“What would you name our child?” you smiled.
Trying to contain the happiness, he replied, “I actually haven’t thought of that yet. But I did think that having a daughter would be fun. I would try my best to learn how to braid her hair just like how you do yours.” he grins ear-to-ear.
“It would be lovely to call her Clara,” you said.
“Why?” he said while playing with the strands of your hair.
“As far as I can remember, that meant bright, or clear. It would be the same as you. You made my life brighter than it was with your clear love. Clara.” Then it hit you, a small girl, holding both of your hands, laughing, crying, loving, together with your one and only husband.
“Clara,” he paused. Before pulling you for a kiss, “I like it,” he said, then kissed you passionately. It was a soft, gentle kiss. A kiss embodied how Jeonghan loves you; it was peaceful, quiet, and safe. It was a promise, a pledge, an assurance that you will be the only person he will love the most. With your bodies crashing into each other, lingering touch that’s wandering around, ending up with both of you moans in satisfaction of each other. With his lips traveling down your neck– a repeated confession of love was made.
Months had passed, and you were bearing your child– his child. He had been so supportive all throughout the pregnancy. He was there to hold your hair when the nausea was acting up, he was there to give you back rubs when you had back pains, he was there to give in to your weird cravings, he was patient with you and your mood swings, and lastly, he was there holding your hand when the two lines appeared in the test. He threw a celebration when he was informed that it was a girl; he could finally meet Clara– his child. In a matter of weeks in fact.
“Okay, baby clothes. Check. I packed extra in case she needed more,” he said while scrumbling around your baby bag. “Love, I think you overpacked a bit,” you said that was immediately brushed off. “There is no such thing as overpacking for our Clara. She deserves the whole world.”
Then a sudden sharp cramp you felt, which made you hold onto his hands, “Darling, what happened?” he panicked.
“What date is it?” you asked.
“The 20th… Shit, it's your due date.” And right on cue, your water just broke. He immediately took your maternity bag and called a cab to the hospital. Holding his hand, you breathed with his help. It was the most painful experience you felt in your entire life. You expected this pain, but this pain was something you still can’t anticipate. As you scream for your own life, he tries to hurry the cab driver. As you arrived to hospital, you were already crying in intense pain on Jeonghan’s arm. After the initial assessment, you were wheeled into the operating room, where Jeonghan was blocked. Of course, no relative shall be inside.
“Your wife’s condition is critical. If an emergency arises, I need you to sign a consent which–” the doctor’s voice was cut off by persistent Jeonghan, “Save my wife. Whatever you do, prioritize my wife.”
The following hours were the most excruciating hours of his life. He was pacing back and forth. Anxiety is taking him over. The possibility that his wife might die because he wanted a kid. He never wanted to go this way; this was never part of the plan. If his wife died, it's all his fault. This is all his fault for putting her in this position. It was never intended this way.
The way his heart stopped when he saw the doctor step out of the room. With their bloody gown, they delivered the news that would change the trajectory of his– his and his wife’s life.
“We did prioritize your wife, she’s stable. However, your daughter couldn’t make it.” His world came crashing down. He anticipated this one, he chose this decision yet why is he crying as if this was the first time hearing all of this? His plans he made with you and Clara, the nursery that both of you built little by little with all the love you have, he packed so many diapers– all that for a dead baby?
He wept hard, he was all over crying for the daughter he never had the chance to meet. He is crying for you, he does not want you to blame yourself, he would rather have you blame him instead. He was crying for the future Clara could ever have, for the love she deserves to have, and the missed opportunity for her to have a loving family and be a loving parent for Clara. For one of those, he howls in pain.
He tried to collect himself together when he was called into the room where your baby was swaddled. She was such an angel with the pink swaddle that both of you picked. She was cold, she was lifeless, she was flapping around. He was denying all of it; he tried calling her name, he tried tapping her small cheeks, he tried putting his fingers over her hands, but it was all a failure. There was no response from her. He again cried his heart out, kneeling, with his dead child on his arms. He is calling your name with apologies that he knows he does not deserve to be forgiven.
Ride home was rather weird. It was quiet, something that neither of you weren’t fond of. He used to fill that silence with a hum. But this time, no one dared to talk. Or even acknowledge the big bag filled with items that will never be used.
Ride home was extended to a couple of days that turned into weeks, and even months. Jeonghan buried himself with work and all you did was mope around the house. Jeonghan can still hear your silent sniffling in the middle of the night and see the same swaddle that was used for your dead child that no one dared to wash the cloth.
But one day, everything fell apart. It was your limit. You threw everything in sight. “Fucking hell, Jeonghan! What the fuck is wrong with you!” You shouted at the top of your lungs.
Jeonghan was taken aback by how you shouted at him. It was a first to see you in this state. Instinctively, he held you close to him while you broke down into pieces. You tried to get loose from his arms, screaming, “You should blame me! Blame me, Jeonghan! That was your child!” You sobbed. “I killed your Clara! You should hate me!” You said, losing your mind, crashing out, and weeping. With no chance of winning on Jeonghan’s arms that are tightly wrapped around you, all the energy you have left in your body, but your mind told you otherwise. Still trying to pull your hair, yet still failing to do so because he is doing his best to stop you from hurting yourself further. Up to this point, he is crying too. Chanting “It’s not your fault, it's my fault,” as if that will vanish your intense pain. He is wishing under his breath that this will calm you down at least a bit.
The home was filled with cries, both of you trying to claim which fault was all of that. After both of you calmed down, you were in his arms while both of you sat on the floor. Holding each other, Jeonghan continued to caress your hair, humming your favorite music in a soft, low register. Just perfect for you to at least still find peace in the chaos both of you carry.
“Jeonghan,” he hummed in response. “I’m sorry.” You said, sobbing softly, even your body could not cry anymore. With your swollen eyes and stuffed nose, it was physically impossible to cry further, and besides, you were so tired of crying.
“It was never your fault,” his heart shattering at how you still blame yourself, when in fact it was him who you should blame. All he could do to reassure you was to quietly place a kiss on the top of your head. Moments passed by, and he felt your peaceful presence sleeping on his arms like you used to. With a bittersweet smile on his face, he slowly lifted you up and carefully placed you down in your shared bed, and sleep peacefully that night.
Days– months had passed. It was a painful moment, but both of you tried to move past it. But life is a bitch, bills were piling up, and loansharks was knocking on your door. You don’t know what to do. You tried getting sideline work like washing clothes, babysitting, or any work you could do. But it is still catching up.
One day at work, Jeonghan was approached by a military recruiter. He was promised a good cash monthly payment that would be sent to his family if he agreed to be sent to a war. He told the recruiter that he would think about it, and he was given a calling card. At first, he paid no attention to it. He will be choosing you over everything. But this decision was changed when you were cornered into an alley by one of your loansharks. Thankfully, Jeonghan was able to stop them by giving the last bit of cash he had on him that was supposed to be your week’s of grocery. Jeonghan was scared to death, and without even consulting you, he called the recruitment during his work break to confirm the enlistment.
“And you didn’t even consult me?! We are partners, aren’t we?! What happened to our promise that we will never keep secrets from each other?” You exploded.
“You were cornered by an alley. And you expect me to do nothing about it?” He retorts.
“You saved me!”
“If this money problem doesn’t stop, when will it be? When both of us are dead?!” He finally shouted back, which made you step back. “Look, I want you safe. I already said yes to the enlistment. We need this money. Please understand. I will be back, I promise,” he said, stepping closer to you.
“You already broke your promise to me, Jeonghan. What made you think I would trust you on this one?” You reprimand.
“You need to trust me on this one, please.” He pleaded, holding both of your arms, crying.
“Clara already died because of me. Please don’t do this to me.” You, too, were crying this time. “Jeonghan, please.”
“Trust me, please. I am just doing this for both of us.”
No one was happy with the choices that were made. He was away with a promise that he would be back.
You cried, prayed, and waited for Jeonghan to return. True to its words, cash kept coming, but still no Jeonghan in sight. First year of him gone, all the debt collectors were, too, gone. Paid off. Your heart was never the same. It was as if half of yourself was gone with him. In the second year of his absence, you were still hopeful. Third year, you built your home again into this much better one, thinking that he would be back with a pleasant home he built while he was away. Without the leaking roof, doors not squeaking anymore, windows that can close perfectly, and keeping the same bed in the new house. Yet the house was not filled with love anymore. It was filled with loneliness. Fourth year was the year you struggled the most; people talked. Saying Jeonghan has already left you for another woman, or he is already dead somewhere in the middle of the war. All of those words were ignored. You were isolated. Yet you waited.
Fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, up to years you cannot remember how much longer had passed. Still no Jeonghan in sight. You are now known in your town as the widowed wife who waited endlessly for her husband to come back to her small patio with tea in her hands. Without fail, you never stop waiting for him, the same way he visited you without fail under the Narra tree. You are afraid that if you missed a day, you will not see your beloved husband come back home. People pitied you, but you couldn’t care less. You held closer to your heart the promise that Jeonghan made years ago.
Many year had passed, the former youthful features you had were changed into mature ones, and left you wondering, what does he look like now? Does he still have those kind eyes you loved ever since? Will he still smile at you? Was he still the same silly man you married after all these years? When will he ever tease you again? Does he think of you the same way you think of him? Did he ever miss you as you missed him?
20 years. It was this exact date 20 years ago when both you and Jeonghan wed. You finally saw the man you have been waiting for years. He’d aged. He was way different in how you could remember him. He gained wrinkles, the kind eyes turned into cold, tired ones, and the light was gone. He looked so different that it made you think if you were hallucinating. Maybe this is one of those days that you start seeing him coming back. But you were praying to God, hoping that he was the one you had been waiting for.
You want to run into his arms, but you are just standing still. Suddenly, you forgot how to walk. That moment was only a dream, but now…
“My love,” he stutters. Tears come rolling down your cheeks, and as you slowly walk towards him, you gently hold his cheeks, which instinctively makes him caress his face towards your hand, and holding your hands with the same hand he had his wedding band on. It was not as shiny and taken care of as before, and it had rust of blood, but the ring is still there as his promise that he will bring himself back to you.
“Is it really you, my love?” you choked into your words.
“I am not the man you once adored, my love.” You were about to hug your husband when he stepped backwards, which shattered your heart. Him– stepping back, shattered your heart more than you were waiting for him to come back. The man you have been waiting for is right in front of you, but he refuses to get closer to you. He is one fingerbreadth away from you, yet you feel so far from him.
“I…” his tears start choking him into weeping, “I am not the man you fell in love with, not the man you once adored, not the man who used to be the kind and gentle husband to love.”
“What happened?” You were scared to ask, but it really needed to be asked.
With just two words, it all came back to Jeonghan. There was a guy named Wonwoo when an explosion occurred. He had two kids and a pregnant wife. If he hadn’t left that wounded soldier, it would have been both of them dead in that explosion. A guy named Joshua was among the other military men, and with one swift move and a knife, he was dead. If he didn’t do that, he could’ve been the dead one. Soonyoung was caught up in a riot. Jeonghan could’ve helped if there had been a backup available, but there was none. Later that day, his body was found lifeless. His single mother is waiting for him in their home. If he helped him, he would have been dead. He killed more people than he anticipated; he traded so many lives for his, and this is all for his wife waiting for him in their home. It was the brutal reality for him, but he needed to be back for his wife even if it cost someone’s life. But the guilt is weighing on him– it was heavy. Those people also have people waiting for them in their own homes. The dark red trails follow him around wherever he goes. Even he cannot recognize himself anymore. He will never be the same person ever again. Falling to his knees, being in your presence makes all his worries go away; the guilt he has been carrying crashes him down. He wept in your arms, the person whom he did all of those things to bring back to these same arms.
“Would you fall in love with me again? With these disgusting hands I have? With almost non-existent conscience? Please fall in love with me again.” He begged, kneeling in front of you, rubbing his hands together just to be accepted by you. “Please take me back.” He pleads.
He saw the vibrant colors of heliotropes that were carefully planted in front of your small patio. He knew you took care of those flowers all these years while waiting for him to come back. It was the same heliotropes he once craved into the headboard of your bed, the same heliotropes he promised his love with, and the same heliotropes you used to bring under that Narra tree. It symbolizes the eternal love you have with him and the devotion for him– you waited all these years for him. “But this can’t be. I am not worthy of your love anymore. I am not your husband anymore.”
“If you are not worthy of my love anymore, could you please take your time to remove those heliotropes around this house?” His breath hitched, whole body frozen.
“Do you realize what you have asked me?” He carefully asked you, and now he is finally looking at you. He recognized the same beauty he once saw under that tree, the same eyes that looked at him with so much adoration and love. It was still the same despite the changed features all throughout the years he was absent. “You put all your love for those flowers, why would you want it gone?”
“Only my husband knew the love I have for those flowers, and my husband is the sole reason I planted those. So, I guess that makes him you.” Carefully tugging him closer to you, you both wept on your small patio. Loving Jeonghan is easy; you loved him in the past. You can love him again, and again, and again. No matter how many times it needed to be done. You will love him all the same.
Between sniffles, Jeonghan took his bag and brought out almost dried heliotropes from his bag. It was ragged, but the most precious heliotropes you ever received. “I got this while I was walking back home.” He said, placing the heliotropes on your hands.
You smiled, wiping his tears, “This is the most beautiful flower I ever received.” You said hugging him. “I am glad you are back. Welcome back home, my love.” You whispered.
From that day on, it was the last time he ever left your side. The once widowed wife at his small patio is now joined by her husband, enjoying their cup of tea, and lastly with beautiful pots of heliotropes around the home. She can finally call her home, home again.